How much for daughter's wedding

[FinanceDude]

I have no kids myself. Parents who buy their kids everything on the smallest whim or whimper and impose no boundaries are creating the next news headline.

I agree, which leads to my most excellent nickname: "Shrek", since I am the ogre in my household........

 

[bbbamI]

ShrekDude perhaps?

 

[Dawg52]

OK, I feel bad about the situation with the daughter, the wedding, the whole deal. But this infuriates me!

No one should bring a puppy/dog into a home if a responsible person is unwilling to spend some time training and caring for the animal. Keeping Jake in a cage for hours on end is no way to care for a pup!!

<We will now return to regularly scheduled programming....>

Very true. As a golden retriever lover, this is very sad. They need lot's of exercise and human love.

 

[laurence]

That's why we went with cats, we like to travel too much to be good to a dog. When we get home from a weekend away our cats act like we've been gone 20 minutes, "oh, you're back, while you are up the food dish looks a little low...". Both my 4 year old and 18 month old are surprisingly good with them, so much so that the cats will sit on their laps (or over it since they weigh in over 20 lbs each) on the couch to be petted. I seem to remember being not quite that good with a cat at that age!

 

[Bestwifeever]

Could we organize a rescue party for the dog, perhaps led by doglover thefed ?

 

[crispus]

and now for the rest of the story....

Jake is their second dog in less then a year. They got their first Golden puppy Riley, who died mysteriously the first week in their home. My guess is that he suffocated on something he ingested from all the crap on the floor. Anyway my ex called the breeder and sobbed her way into a new puppy.

I feel embarased writing this. How could I marry such a ditz? Well she was 17 when we met and lived with her sister and stepdad. She was and is very pretty. In fact with enough money she would be a perfect candidate for "The Real Housewives of Orange County".

 

[haha]

How could I marry such a ditz? Well she was 17 when we met and lived with her sister and stepdad. She was and is very pretty.

Hey Crispus, don't apologize. Most men go their whole lives without ever sleeping with a stunner, let alone sleeping with her every night.

Like with cars, a Toyota is often cheaper, but a Porsche might be more fun.

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

...How could I marry such a ditz? Well she was 17 when we met and lived with her sister and stepdad. She was and is very pretty. In fact with enough money she would be a perfect candidate for "The Real Housewives of Orange County".

Unfortunately you have joined a legion of men all asking the same questions...
How could I have [fill in the blank] her
or
Why did I do [fill in the blank] for her? What was I thinking? etc etc
A lot of the guys I used to work with would ask me for some female advice when they found themselves in spots like this. My answer was always consistent - tell her what you are telling me and maybe you can work it out. That rarely worked for them...sigh.

 

[ladelfina]

I don't think any serious breeder would be happy to see the fruit of "their" labors treated that way; most are pretty picky about the homes and some even make you sign elaborate contracts that give them the right to take the pup back! If this is one of those kind of breeders I would drop a dime. sheesh.

 

[FUEGO]

Crispus, tough story - I just skimmed your posts in this thread for the first time. I'm the father of two young daughters and would hate to be in your shoes. I think you are in the right on this one though.

When it comes down to it, your daughter put a price tag on her relationship with you, and that is $12,500 ($15,000 minus $2,500). If that is all she thinks her relationship with you is worth, then it is her loss I suppose. Hopefully in the future she will come around and realize that some things are more valuable than $12,500.

The story is ironic in a way. A wedding should be a festive arrangement where the friends and family of the bride and groom can celebrate the new life they are starting together. To have the daughter put a damper on it like this and the father of the bride to potentially be facing ostracism seems to fly in the face of the purpose of the wedding.

Best of luck!

 

[Lusitan]

I haven't read through this thread, just the OP. That said, my wife and I paid for our own wedding and honeymoon. We were 25 (me) and 24 (her) and I made about 50K per year at the time, she was a full-time student.

I can't imagine being a 40 year old making 6 figures and expecting anyone to pay for my second wedding. But that's just me. Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[FUEGO]

I can't imagine being a 40 year old making 6 figures and expecting anyone to pay for my second wedding. But that's just me. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Without knowing more, it does seem like any decent 40 year old making money like this could afford $12,500 for his own wedding if he (and his wife) place a high importance on spending this much for a wedding. Why even resort to extorting money out of Pops in the first place? I somewhat understand if a couple of 20-somethings fresh out of college with no money look for a little help for their wedding, but an established individual with a career seeking help from future parents-in-law?? Maybe a six figure income isn't what it used to be.

 

[clifp]

Maybe a six figure income isn't what it used to be.

Not with a 6 figure+ outgo. I wonder if Crispus's daughter has figured out that 6 figure salary is only 1/2 of the solution.

 

[landonew]

How about letting the 40 year old "man" with 3 kids pay for his own wedding? Sorry, but if you are going to rob the cradle you should have to pay the piper IMO.

 

[crispus]

The angry side of me agrees with landonew.
By the way still no contact with my daughter

 

[deepc]

Bummer if this costs your relationship long term.

Interesting reading related to these circumstances at: Judith Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Might provide some insight into the "why" behind your daughter's behavior. Or not.

 

[canadianteddy]

That said, I would still calmly go along with the $2500 check no matter what her offensive behavior. A.) she's still your daughter, after all and B.) you need to demonstrate that her shenanigans aren't going to sway you one way OR the other. You're just the ship of state that's going to stick to its course. That's my humble opinion.

Best of luck!

I am betwixt & between. I agree with the above advise but I understand your anger. I would be p*ssed off too. Half of me wants to say take the high road & the other half wants to tell you to take a vacation with the $2,500.00 and send them a post card.

I hope this situation can have a happy conclusion for your sake. Keep us posted.

 

[chris2008]

Go with ladelfina's advice.
If you cave in and "buy" contact your daughter will have a lesson learned. I can already imagine what she expects on the birth of your grandchild ... or her divorce.

 

[Sparky]

We were 34 and 35 (first marriage for both) when we got married - we didn't live together and wanted a small wedding, say less than 20 people. We had a beautiful wedding with a JoP with champagn and cake that we paid for. My parents treated the guests to dinner and her parents gave us $2500. It was beautiful and memorable.

 

[Abreutime]

The angry side of me agrees with landonew.
By the way still no contact with my daughter

You've handled this well. And my advice to you would be, however this plays out, leave a window open for her to make amends. Don't make it difficult or demeaning for her to reconcile.

Good luck!

 

[crispus]

I think she is trying to get back in my good graces. Last week she quickly accepted my facebook friend invitation. I feel that at this point she has to make a real move towards reconciliation in order to move forward from here. I also feel that the timing is critical. If she tries to apologize a month before the wedding, IMHO it is to late. I know she wants me to make the first move and she will act like nothing is wrong. I have done this many times in the past. This time I am holding tough.

 

[freebird5825]

...trying to get back in my good graces...she has to make a real move towards reconciliation in order to move forward from here...timing is critical..she wants me to make the first move and she will act like nothing is wrong....many times in the past.
This time I am holding tough.

If there is an established "script" that comes from the past, a changeup on your part is a great idea. Good to keep her guessing.
Manipulative children of ANY age learn from a predictable "action-reaction script", i.e. their action produces the parent (or parents) reaction. Time to burn the script.
Hang in there...

 

[Danny]

we paid the marriage license fee everything else was free - we married ourselves in a garden - Quaker wedding - everybody brought a dish..

i credit this as the start of my early retirement...

we just went to my daughter's friends' wedding over 20 grand probably

dw and i were wondering if with the depression a coming if weddings will get more simple.

we have been encouraging kids if they do get married to follow our example.

 

[Khan]

If there is an established "script" that comes from the past, a changeup on your part is a great idea. Good to keep her guessing.
Manipulative children of ANY age learn from a predictable "action-reaction script", i.e. their action produces the parent (or parents) reaction. Time to burn the script.
Hang in there...

I have observed this dynamic.

 

[se012101]

Crispus, sorry to hear about your daughter's reaction...that has got to really hurt. The only thing I have to offer is - do NOT apologize for the amount of money you are offering. I don't think there's anything wrong with something along the lines "this is what we can do, after having looked at our finances", but I think if you go much further into appearing to apologize, then it validates her stance on the thing (i.e. if you were not wrong, why would you be apologizing?).

Personally, considering her fiance is comfortable, I think your offer is very generous. Being in roughly the same age group and income range as the fiance, I'd be embarrassed for the in-laws to pay for the wedding - though I'd be ok with gifts that are separate from the wedding itself, or maybe part of the wedding if the in-laws mentioned that it was important to them to contribute something. Either way, it would be awkward, for sure.