Inheritance and Step Child

[ivinsfan]

I am a step mom to 2 boys whose mom passed away. They were 14 and 11 when we married in 2004. My daughter was born 2005.
We will split everything 3 ways. I also gave them each a portion of my inheritance. (went towards student loans for the boys, and college fund for my daughter)
They always were and always will be treated equally and are very close to each other.

Nice sentiments and thoughts but the actual question by the OP was, what defines equal. dividing Mom and Dad's money 50/50 without taking into account that one child will most like get a decent sum from the other parents or looking at inheritances as a total and trying to even it out a little.

It's a fair question...

 

[pacergal]

1) What are your wife's thoughts?
2) You have been a part of this childs life since she was 2, assuming you have a wonderful relationship, she will most likely grieve just as much as your birth child when you die. Just because she may inherit from other family members does not mean you can't consider her as part of your legacy. If your heart says 50/50, thats what I would go with. If your wife thinks less is OK due to SD possibly getting other inheritance, then 60/40.

 

[Sunset]

......My wife says it's time to quit being so frugal--and time for us to spend our money.

My DW is saying the same thing, which is good as she is normally VERY frugal.

We've seen enough situations, where the frugal parents leave a bundle, and the recipients BLOW it having a great time for a few years until it's gone....

 

[lauradrops]

Nice sentiments and thoughts but the actual question by the OP was, what defines equal. dividing Mom and Dad's money 50/50 without taking into account that one child will most like get a decent sum from the other parents or looking at inheritances as a total and trying to even it out a little.

It's a fair question...

I answered equal in our case. Everything we own as a couple will be divided 3 ways. The boys may or may not inherit from some in their mom's family, but that has nothing to do with my assets. I have no concern if they get some extra from their mother's family at the end of the day, I only have control over my assets.

 

[ivinsfan]

I answered equal in our case. Everything we own as a couple will be divided 3 ways. The boys may or may not inherit from some in their mom's family, but that has nothing to do with my assets. I have no concern if they get some extra from their mother's family at the end of the day, I only have control over my assets.

And that's a fair answer for your situation other people might have ideas of what fair and that's OK, Doesn't they do love the family member or anything like that.

 

[pb4uski]

I'm interested in people's thoughts on inheritance when you have a stepchild. I know I'm probably putting too much thought and making this more complicated than it should be but welcome the input of others.

I have one stepchild and one of my own. The stepchild has her dad and one aunt and is the only grandchild on that side of the family. She was only two years old when I first started dating her mom and we have a good relationship.

My question comes to inheritance. My heart says to do 50/50 between both kids but my practical side says she's going to benefit from inheritance from her dad's side of the family (especially since only child on that side) that my son won't benefit from. So that gets me thinking I leave more to my son like 60/40 or some other split to compensate for the extra she will get from her dad's side.

Thoughts?

What does your DW think?

My initial reaction was like many others... for you to go with your heart (50/50). But what you mention sounds sensible as well. What do you think your step-daughter or son would think you should do?

We have a similar dilemma with our children. DD went to college and DS chose not to. DD has been much more financially successful. While our natural inclination would be to go 50/50 since DS had the chance and we would have paid for his college but he chose not to go, another view is that as a result of his deciding not to go to college the estate is $xxx,xxx higher than it otherwise would be and isn't it fair that he get all or part of that excess?

From past conversations, DD recognizes this inequity and actually advocates that DS get more than she.

We haven't decided. Luckily, they will both appreciate whatever they get.

 

[lauradrops]

And that's a fair answer for your situation other people might have ideas of what fair and that's OK, Doesn't they do love the family member or anything like that.

Well I obviously only answer my thoughts and opinion. Not sure where you get the idea that I think it equates to love.

Personally, I think it's impossible to speculate what a stepchild might inherit in the future and try to balance it out. But if you think that, then that's your thought or opinion.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well I obviously only answer my thoughts and opinion. Not sure where you get the idea that I think it equates to love.

Personally, I think it's impossible to speculate what a stepchild might inherit in the future and try to balance it out. But if you think that, then that's your thought or opinion.

Sorry I wasn't commenting about you just that some people do think that.
I did say there's no wrong answer

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Another answer is that things change every five years. In five years you might feel differently. Seems like Bamaman would point out that now they have taken responsibility for a 10 year old child they were not expecting to provide for which might mean a different division of money that could not have been predicted 11 years ago. Bamaman, does this mean if you are providing for the 10 year grandchild are you also equally providing say "college" for the 14 year old?

 

[Imackenzie]

I agree with Aerideas

Like she said--go with your heart. She is your daughter or she isn't (in your heart).

 

[Scuba]

We don’t have children, but for those who do, please know that it can be very hurtful to kids when things aren’t split equally. In our case, DH’s mom initially left both of her two kids out of her will, and left everything 50/50 to her two grandkids. We felt ok about that because we don’t have children and her grandkids are both great young adults and need the inheritance while we don’t.

A few years ago, she decided to change her will to include her other son and split everything 3 ways between DH’s brother and his two kids. She explained to us that she was doing this because “he had done so much for her.” This is the guy who lives in the same town she does, while we live across the country. When she started struggling with her dementia a few years ago, her friends all reached out to us because DH’s brother, while local, is not reliable. He’s divorced and when he doesn’t have a GF, he’s more attentive, but for several years he lived with a GF and never saw his mom, even for birthdays and Mother’s Day, let alone looking in on her day to day. He didn’t even attend the 80th birthday party we threw for her. She had to hire a driver to take her grocery shopping and to medical appointments because DB can’t be bothered. Her driver has grown close to us and can’t believe how poorly DB treats his sweet Mom.

DB owns two small businesses and is somewhat successful, but he spends everything he makes on toys. He has 3 boats for example. He still asks his mom for money regularly and she gives it to him.

DH and I have lived responsibly and we spend our own money to visit Mom. We would NEVER ask her to buy us anything or give us money. We don’t treat her any differently knowing she didn’t include us in her will. DH doesn’t care what she does with her will, and the amount of inheritance we’d get if we were included in her will wouldn’t affect our lifestyle. However, I find it very hurtful that she chose to exclude us from her will. I think because we don’t ask her to pay for anything for us, and we retired young and own two properties in CA, she considers us rich and doesn’t think we need the money.

The point of this saga is that if you don’t want one of your kids to feel less loved or appreciated than the others, consider splitting things equally. Why punish the kid who’s been more responsible and/or worked harder?

I think in the case where one of the kids has been a big problem and cost a lot of money while you’re living, such as Bamaman described, that’s a good reason not to split things equally.

 

[imnontrad]

You need to consider that after you and your wife are gone, they may only have each other as family. If there is an unequal division, it may cause problems for them in the future.

 

[youbet]

DH doesn’t care what she does with her will, and the amount of inheritance we’d get if we were included in her will wouldn’t affect our lifestyle.

The point of this saga is that if you don’t want one of your kids to feel less loved or appreciated than the others, consider splitting things equally. .

This is like an oxymoron Scuba. Since your DH doesn't care about the split and his brother thinks it is ok, where is the "kid" who thinks he is loved or appreciated less than the others?

 

[Scuba]

This is like an oxymoron Scuba. Since your DH doesn't care about the split and his brother thinks it is ok, where is the "kid" who thinks he is loved or appreciated less than the others?

That would be me. I’m not her biological child, but I’ve treated her like a mom from day 1, and she refers to me as her daughter. I’m glad DH doesn’t feel slighted by being completely left out of his Mom’s will, but I do. Not because of the financial impact to us, but it does make me feel that DH and I aren’t appreciated.

 

[ivinsfan]

That would be me. I’m not her biological child, but I’ve treated her like a mom from day 1, and she refers to me as her daughter. I’m glad DH doesn’t feel slighted by being completely left out of his Mom’s will, but I do. Not because of the financial impact to us, but it does make me feel that DH and I aren’t appreciated.

It's quicksand isn't it. My parents divorced and my sister ended up getting lots of extra money from both parents. In fact of 3 kids I was the one that got least from my parents, I mean in life and death. Nothing was ever said out loud but that's the way it worked. It is what it is.



But what really bugs me is when Mom was on her deathbed in what was literally her last conversation with me spent her time lecturing me about taking care of sister after Mom died. Nothing about me or my kids just on and on about the sister.

 

[badatmath]

I am the step child who was written out of the will after new wife came along, along with one of the other kids. It just creates problems wondering why we suddenly were not valued as family any more when no harsh words were exchanged. And it puts the main inheritor in an awkward position as he feels very weird to get more as he thinks of us as siblings and has no desire to "take" more than "his share".

Oddly enough it created some tension in people not affected. Like aunty thinks I was only excluded from biological parents will due to the fact step's will had us getting equal shares. Anyway it is hard to explain but it brings up things you never thought of.

 

[Letj]

This is like an oxymoron Scuba. Since your DH doesn't care about the split and his brother thinks it is ok, where is the "kid" who thinks he is loved or appreciated less than the others?

Good question. I guess it really depends on the individual. I have enough of my own money and I am not extravagant so I am not in a constant state of wanting more. I honestly wouldn’t care if I am written out of a parent’s will, especially if someone else needs it. I really don’t need anything else.