It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Oilcan]

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm only going to be a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?

"Well no" the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

 

[Walt34]

Poor Rocky:

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Leo1277]

I hope the following is sufficiently politically correct, it comes from my childhood and from a different country, where Scottish people were often used as examples for frugality or even stinginess. Mods? Here goes:

Son comes home smiling and tells dad that he saved some money today. He said, "Dad, instead of taking the bus, I ran behind the bus, and saved the fare!". Dad puts his arm around son's shoulder and says: "Son, I am proud to see that you are starting to develop some Scottish traits. But you still got a lot to learn. Next time, run behind a taxi."

 

[CRLLS]

I hope the following is sufficiently politically correct, it comes from my childhood and from a different country, where Scottish people were often used as examples for frugality or even stinginess. Mods? Here goes:

Son comes home smiling and tells dad that he saved some money today. He said, "Dad, instead of taking the bus, I ran behind the bus, and saved the fare!". Dad puts his arm around son's shoulder and says: "Son, I am proud to see that you are starting to develop some Scottish traits. But you still got a lot to learn. Next time, run behind a taxi."

That one took me about 15 seconds to get. It took a bit of thought. I remember as a lad, we had a book on Scottish frugality. I can't remember the name of it. There was supposed to be a penny glued to the book's cover. Sure enough, the penny was torn off and long gone.

 

[Time2]

Did you know that copper wire was invented my two Mustachians fighting over a penny?

 

[Walt34]

This is progress?

 

[Alan]

That one took me about 15 seconds to get. It took a bit of thought. I remember as a lad, we had a book on Scottish frugality. I can't remember the name of it. There was supposed to be a penny glued to the book's cover. Sure enough, the penny was torn off and long gone.

This year is a census year in the UK. In Scotland they get an accurate count by simply going street by street, rolling a penny down the middle and counting everyone that comes out.

 

[braumeister]

You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

 

[CardsFan]

This year is a census year in the UK. In Scotland they get an accurate count by simply going street by street, rolling a penny down the middle and counting everyone that comes out.

As one of Scottish descent, I approve of this message

 

[Nemo2]

Following the trend:

Why do pipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

 

[RetireBy90]

As one of Scottish descent, I approve of this message

+1

 

[Leo1277]

You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

Hahaha! So perhaps I deserve to be knighted an Honorary Scotsman, I don't even borrow newspapers anymore, I only read them online

 

[Chuckanut]

As long as we are telling jokes about people from that corner of the world:

A Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman are great friends who have gone through many adventures in life together. None of them had ever visited the USA or been to the Olympics. So, years ago when the Olympics was to be held in Atlanta, they decided to take a trip to the United States and see the Olympics.

They arrived in Atlanta, checked into their hotel and went out for dinner. Upon their return they found their room had been ransacked - their money and their Olympic tickets stolen. All the thieves left behind were their return tickets. They where depressed beyond belief. All of this time, effort, and money were gone for nothing.

They had decided to book a flight home the next day when the Scotsman had an idea. "Tomorrow we will walk over to the Athlete's Entrance. Follow my lead and we will get in." Bright and early they show up at the Entrance. The Scotsman looks at his friends and tells them to follow his lead. Seeing a pile of telephone poles in a vacant lot, he picks one up, walks over to the guard at the Entrance and says " Hey Mukker! Sean MacDuff, Scotland, the Pole Vault." The guard looks him over and lets him in.

The Irishman says to himself "Anything a Scotsman can do, an Irishman can do". He walks to the middle of the street, picks up the round lid over the entrance to the sewer, walks up to the guard and says, " May the road rise up to meet you. Darby Fitzpatrick, Ireland, the Discus." The guard looks him over, opens the gate, and lets him enter.

Now the Englishman thinks to himself "Anything a Scotsman and and Irish man can do an Englishman can do, and do it better!" He walks over to pile of barbed wire, picks up a role and approaches the same guard. " Hello mate! Reginald Goodhew, England, Fencing."

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

As one of Scottish descent, I approve of this message

I only recently learned I was of Scottish descent. I guess I should go to more family reunions.

 

[Leo1277]

I only recently learned I was of Scottish descent. I guess I should go to more family reunions.

But it'll cost you a pretty penny

 

[Car-Guy]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[braumeister]

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
(1750s – 1810s).

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.

A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”

As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.

 

[Car-Guy]

Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”

As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.

I suspect it's standard issue for anyone running for any office. If elected you get a bigger one.

 

[Car-Guy]

Well since we're talking about the "business end" of medicine,


A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too high.”
He said, “Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.”
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican Train dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, “Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.”
Janet went into hysterics, and then called the doctor to explain what happened.
The doctor said, “That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine - just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now.” Then he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”

 

[Car-Guy]

Yep, Donnie is a sensitive guy.....

Three Texas rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 

[Car-Guy]

I found this in the funny jokes section on another forum with a lot of "likes"... The title was "One Extra Grande Latte" please...

I don't get it.... Looks perfectly normal to me...

 

[Car-Guy]

Needs at least one of everything

 

[Walt34]

So much for Dr. Google:

 

[braumeister]

Groaners!


Dad, Are we pyromaniacs? Yes we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar: There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Six thirty is the best time on a clock. Hands down.