workburnout
Recycles dryer sheets
Asking for a friend! Names changed to protect the innocent and/or guilty.
So my best friend, I'll call her Kristi, has asked for advice and I don't know exactly what to tell her.
She's not a bad person overall, but she made a mistake she feels bad about.
So I'm not here to judge her even though yes what she did was wrong, she knows that, but now it's done so the question is how to proceed.
She was friends 20 yrs ago with another friend, let's call him Matt. They and I and many other friends lived overseas working the same job, 20 years ago, so it's been a while since we hung out a lot, yet we all have a close friendship that will last a lifetime - even if we are apart many years.
When we are 80 yrs old we will still be friends, if we are still alive - that's the kind of bond we have due to our unique experiences (too long to get into here - but was some intense things that happened living in third world countries). We are all now in our late 40's, early 50's.
Many of us have not kept in close touch other than contacting briefly online, or rare meetings, due to the fact we all live in different areas.
So fast forward to a few weeks ago. One of our lifetime overseas friends dies unexpectedly, in an accident, and we all travel from all directions, to attend the funeral. Matt is now married with 2 young kids. Kristi never married and is happy that way, as she is a free spirit with lots of platonic friends - she dates now and then but never wanted to get married.
Matt and Kristi were never an item, they were all just part of the group that hung out overseas - that went through a lot of things overseas that bonded us all together as friends.
Everyone was younger and broke back then and often shared one hotel room - platonicly - to save cash - with some people even sleeping on the floor. Also camped out a lot, and visited topless resorts (toplesness was very accepted as the norm in the countries we were in) together - as friends only.
They (Kristi, Matt, and many other people who knew the deceased) all got drunk after the funeral, and reminisced, laughing over good old times and sharing stories.
The deceased was the type who would be happy to know people were partying at her funeral - she would not have wanted everyone to be sad. So we partied in honor of her. Most of us rarely drink anymore, but that night after the funeral we did.
So around midnight Kristi and Matt and everyone else was totally drunk. Kristi and Matt happened to be staying in the same hotel. Matt, who as mentioned is married, asks Kristi for a massage to help his back which he had surgery on and gets sore. Kristi does, and the next thing is they are having sex. Matt 100% initiated the sex but Kristi totally agreed and wanted it. Once he asked, she said yes.
She said they were both very drunk and both very passionate about it.
If Matt had not asked, Kristi never would have, because Kristi normally thinks it is wrong to have sex with a married man. Matt normally would not have asked - they had already spent many nights together as friends only, no sex, when travelling overseas, almost as if they were brother/sister.
But, he was drunk and stressed due to the funeral, and not thinking straight. So in the heat of the moment, after Matt asked, Kristi decided to go for it.
Kristi never even though of Matt in that way before, and has been dating someone else back home, yet not married or very serious about him.
So Matt said several times to Kristi, both before and after the illicit "deed" was done, he wants to keep in touch better - since they rarely did the past 20 yrs. They live on opposite sides of the country. They have a huge shared history with the past events overseas, and plan on meeting with other past overseas coworkers at least once a year for a gathering with all the spouses.
The funeral made everyone realize life is short and we all want to keep in better touch.
So Kristi wants to know, is there anything she should be saying to Matt to reassure him? Because Matt is very worried and does not want his wife to find out.
Yes they were wrong... - we all know it was not supposed to happen.
However, no one is perfect, it was a one time thing, and they want to preserve the friendship.
The other thing is Kristi started feeling more attached to Matt after the "deed".. But to cure this feeling of emotion for Matt she did not want to have, Kristi went out and found another guy, and has been dating him, so she got over her feelings and now is back to seeing Matt as a friend only.
Matt's wife has no idea - she does not care if he is friends with other women so long as they don't sleep together. She would be devastated to know, so Matt is keeping it a secret. Only he, Kristi and I know, and I won't tell anyone.
So Matt and Kristi want to keep being friends, due to the shared unique history they had 20 yrs ago overseas.
Both are platonic friends with other members of the opposite sex, messaging each other every 2-3 weeks to say hello and catch up on any news. Matt's wife is fine with that and trusts him completely. She had stayed home with the young kids they have together, while he traveled to go to the funeral and meet with all his old friends. She has no idea he would cheat. He does want to stay with her, and he loves her, he admits he messed up due to being "drunk and in the mood" but sees no point in upsetting her by letting her know.
Is there anything Kristi should be saying to Matt or just ignore it like it never happened?
Matt seems to be worried and Kristi wants to help Matt not have a mental breakdown. Matt is stressed about the whole thing, feels guilty.
But he does not want to stop talking to Kristi and they WILL see each other again at get-togethers in the future, so they can't just stop speaking - nor do they want to. They still like each other as friends, as they did before the drunk hookup.
Basically they opened a can of worms they shouldn't have, and want to pretend it never happened.
Is there anything Kristi can do or say to help Matt not be so stressed about it? Matt is a good guy overall. He does a lot of good in his job and community to help others. He is about to have a breakdown because he never thought he'd cheat and he feels bad.
Kristi feels bad too, they both feel bad. But still want to remain friends. And if they ignore each other at the get-togethers with friends, it will look suspicious, so it's better that they act like they are friends - not just cut each other off.
Normally if it were any other guy, I'd tell her to cut it off and never talk to him again. But that's not really possible due to the fact they have friends in common, and a unique shared history.
Is there anything helpful Kristi can say or do, to help Matt not have a breakdown? He has problems with stress in general.
Again, we all know this was wrong, we all know it was.
We are trying to do damage control here, it was a huge mistake but no one is perfect...any advice is appreciated.
So my best friend, I'll call her Kristi, has asked for advice and I don't know exactly what to tell her.
She's not a bad person overall, but she made a mistake she feels bad about.
So I'm not here to judge her even though yes what she did was wrong, she knows that, but now it's done so the question is how to proceed.
She was friends 20 yrs ago with another friend, let's call him Matt. They and I and many other friends lived overseas working the same job, 20 years ago, so it's been a while since we hung out a lot, yet we all have a close friendship that will last a lifetime - even if we are apart many years.
When we are 80 yrs old we will still be friends, if we are still alive - that's the kind of bond we have due to our unique experiences (too long to get into here - but was some intense things that happened living in third world countries). We are all now in our late 40's, early 50's.
Many of us have not kept in close touch other than contacting briefly online, or rare meetings, due to the fact we all live in different areas.
So fast forward to a few weeks ago. One of our lifetime overseas friends dies unexpectedly, in an accident, and we all travel from all directions, to attend the funeral. Matt is now married with 2 young kids. Kristi never married and is happy that way, as she is a free spirit with lots of platonic friends - she dates now and then but never wanted to get married.
Matt and Kristi were never an item, they were all just part of the group that hung out overseas - that went through a lot of things overseas that bonded us all together as friends.
Everyone was younger and broke back then and often shared one hotel room - platonicly - to save cash - with some people even sleeping on the floor. Also camped out a lot, and visited topless resorts (toplesness was very accepted as the norm in the countries we were in) together - as friends only.
They (Kristi, Matt, and many other people who knew the deceased) all got drunk after the funeral, and reminisced, laughing over good old times and sharing stories.
The deceased was the type who would be happy to know people were partying at her funeral - she would not have wanted everyone to be sad. So we partied in honor of her. Most of us rarely drink anymore, but that night after the funeral we did.
So around midnight Kristi and Matt and everyone else was totally drunk. Kristi and Matt happened to be staying in the same hotel. Matt, who as mentioned is married, asks Kristi for a massage to help his back which he had surgery on and gets sore. Kristi does, and the next thing is they are having sex. Matt 100% initiated the sex but Kristi totally agreed and wanted it. Once he asked, she said yes.
She said they were both very drunk and both very passionate about it.
If Matt had not asked, Kristi never would have, because Kristi normally thinks it is wrong to have sex with a married man. Matt normally would not have asked - they had already spent many nights together as friends only, no sex, when travelling overseas, almost as if they were brother/sister.
But, he was drunk and stressed due to the funeral, and not thinking straight. So in the heat of the moment, after Matt asked, Kristi decided to go for it.
Kristi never even though of Matt in that way before, and has been dating someone else back home, yet not married or very serious about him.
So Matt said several times to Kristi, both before and after the illicit "deed" was done, he wants to keep in touch better - since they rarely did the past 20 yrs. They live on opposite sides of the country. They have a huge shared history with the past events overseas, and plan on meeting with other past overseas coworkers at least once a year for a gathering with all the spouses.
The funeral made everyone realize life is short and we all want to keep in better touch.
So Kristi wants to know, is there anything she should be saying to Matt to reassure him? Because Matt is very worried and does not want his wife to find out.
Yes they were wrong... - we all know it was not supposed to happen.
However, no one is perfect, it was a one time thing, and they want to preserve the friendship.
The other thing is Kristi started feeling more attached to Matt after the "deed".. But to cure this feeling of emotion for Matt she did not want to have, Kristi went out and found another guy, and has been dating him, so she got over her feelings and now is back to seeing Matt as a friend only.
Matt's wife has no idea - she does not care if he is friends with other women so long as they don't sleep together. She would be devastated to know, so Matt is keeping it a secret. Only he, Kristi and I know, and I won't tell anyone.
So Matt and Kristi want to keep being friends, due to the shared unique history they had 20 yrs ago overseas.
Both are platonic friends with other members of the opposite sex, messaging each other every 2-3 weeks to say hello and catch up on any news. Matt's wife is fine with that and trusts him completely. She had stayed home with the young kids they have together, while he traveled to go to the funeral and meet with all his old friends. She has no idea he would cheat. He does want to stay with her, and he loves her, he admits he messed up due to being "drunk and in the mood" but sees no point in upsetting her by letting her know.
Is there anything Kristi should be saying to Matt or just ignore it like it never happened?
Matt seems to be worried and Kristi wants to help Matt not have a mental breakdown. Matt is stressed about the whole thing, feels guilty.
But he does not want to stop talking to Kristi and they WILL see each other again at get-togethers in the future, so they can't just stop speaking - nor do they want to. They still like each other as friends, as they did before the drunk hookup.
Basically they opened a can of worms they shouldn't have, and want to pretend it never happened.
Is there anything Kristi can do or say to help Matt not be so stressed about it? Matt is a good guy overall. He does a lot of good in his job and community to help others. He is about to have a breakdown because he never thought he'd cheat and he feels bad.
Kristi feels bad too, they both feel bad. But still want to remain friends. And if they ignore each other at the get-togethers with friends, it will look suspicious, so it's better that they act like they are friends - not just cut each other off.
Normally if it were any other guy, I'd tell her to cut it off and never talk to him again. But that's not really possible due to the fact they have friends in common, and a unique shared history.
Is there anything helpful Kristi can say or do, to help Matt not have a breakdown? He has problems with stress in general.
Again, we all know this was wrong, we all know it was.
We are trying to do damage control here, it was a huge mistake but no one is perfect...any advice is appreciated.