Our friend daughter’s wedding last night ...

[brett]

Years ago we attended a 'small' wedding of two people of Chinese descent.

There were 300 people at the wedding. When I asked the groom about this (he was a co-worker) he told me they kept it small. Many that he had attended had 600 guests.

It was standard practice to invite all relatives, friends, business associates.

Beautiful, traditional wedding with an six course feast. I shudder to think what the cost was.

 

[Walt34]

I'm doing something very backwards and need to learn to pick brides-to-be that have wealthy parents. Both of my weddings I had to pay for myself, but at least with the second one I came attached to a house.

 

[aja8888]

I'm doing something very backwards and need to learn to pick brides-to-be that have wealthy parents. Both of my weddings I had to pay for myself, but at least with the second one I came attached to a house.

I understand that young guys these days usually evaluate the potential bride's PTE before courtship and possible marriage.

 

[athena53]

Years ago we attended a 'small' wedding of two people of Chinese descent.

<snip>Beautiful, traditional wedding with an six course feast. I shudder to think what the cost was.

Ooh, I attended one of those- he was a coworker- and I still remember that meal. Fantastic except for the Sea Cucumber.

Both my weddings were modest (about 50 guests). One marriage lasted, one didn't. DS had a pretty modest wedding and we paid for the rehearsal dinner, which turned out to be a reunion for the bride's extremely large extended family but a good time was had by all and we were happy to do it.

It bothers me if it looks like the celebration is way out of proportions to the families' finances (e.g. the couple doesn't own a house, or has heavy student loan debts) but in the end it's not my business and I wish them all well.

 

[rasberrycpa]

Our daughter is getting married in six days. The ceremony and reception location overlooks the Atlantic Ocean with a picturesque lighthouse on site which will make for beautiful memories.

We agreed to give our daughter $15k and spend it how they chose. All in, we are paying about $18k for 100 people with an open bar (what can I say, I’m a softy on the budget [emoji4]). My daughter would have been happy to go to City Hall and then a nice dinner with immediate family. His family would have preferred a large wedding with several hundred people with much more elaborate planning.

In the end, I believe that my daughter and her fiancé are happy which is all that matters to us. We have people arriving from all over the country and some from Europe this week and we can’t wait to celebrate their marriage and party all night!

Rasberrycpa

 

[Sunset]

I've heard of no correlation between success of marriage and price of the wedding day. Personally, I think that a couple that got married by the JotP is just as likely to be happily married later as the couple that spends a million on their wedding day. My sister's wedding day cost less than $5k (14 years ago anyway). A friend's second wedding cost ~$30k. Bride and groom at both seemed just as happy to me.

To each their own though. If I ever had kids, I hope they'd know that I wouldn't fund an extravagant wedding for them though.

I cannot believe nobody responded to that:

https://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/index.html

"A new study found that couples who spend less on their wedding tend to have longer-lasting marriages than those who splurge. The study, by two economics professors at Emory University, found a similar correlation between less-expensive engagement rings and lower divorce rates."

 

[candrew]

Friends of ours attended a traditional wedding in India several years ago. And we're talking very traditional as in an arranged marriage.

Our friends, who are non-Indian, were guests of honor of the bride's family. Both had traditional, Indian formal wear given to them to wear during the ceremony, which itself lasted several days. The pics they shared with us of the event were stunning, not only in terms of its opulence, but the sheer number of people that attended.

It was over-the-top and reminded DW & I of a Bollywood movie!

 

[ohyes]

Closely following this. Today, we met our 34 yo daughter's latest beau. He seems sensible and is definitely cute. I am imagining what if's.


DH and I married in 1980; total cost was less than $500. But, that was then and this is now. I think DH and I would be willing to pitch in $5000 for a wedding/honeymoon/whatever.

We have three offspring, none of them wedded. Imagining what if's may be the best I get.

 

[rayinpenn]

“A new study found that couples who spend less on their wedding tend to have longer-lasting marriages than those who splurge."

We all met them over the years -young ladies whose apparent sole goal is to have that perfect wedding. The relationship takes a back seat to the wedding. If you see a copy of bride magazine start worrying. I am very uncomfortable with over the top spending.

My wife was wore an off the rack modest wedding dress. The table centerpieces and give always we’re all made by her and her sister. The reception was at a restaurant. All very modest and it was a fun time. 28 years ago.

 

[athena53]

We all met them over the years -young ladies whose apparent sole goal is to have that perfect wedding. The relationship takes a back seat to the wedding. If you see a copy of bride magazine start worrying. I am very uncomfortable with over the top spending.

My nephew is engaged to a young woman I haven't met yet but am connected with on FB. Their families live in Charlotte but the wedding MUST be in Charleston. That's where she wants it. They were going to get married this fall but ended up choosing a date next March so she could get the Charleston venue she wanted. She's posting some of the engagement pictures posed, dramatic, romantic, a few different sites... I really hope he's not just an accessory to "her day".

 

[youbet]

To each, his/her own. It's a matter of how one chooses to spend their $$.

+1. This is an outlook not often expressed here on the FIRE Forum!

 

[youbet]

I cannot believe nobody responded to that:

https://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/index.html

"A new study found that couples who spend less on their wedding tend to have longer-lasting marriages than those who splurge. The study, by two economics professors at Emory University, found a similar correlation between less-expensive engagement rings and lower divorce rates."

What this study fails to emphasize enough is the fact that it's definitely not the amount spent on rings or ceremonies that influences divorce rates but rather the personalities of the people who tend to spend more or less on these things.

 

[exnavynuke]

I cannot believe nobody responded to that:

https://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/index.html

"A new study found that couples who spend less on their wedding tend to have longer-lasting marriages than those who splurge. The study, by two economics professors at Emory University, found a similar correlation between less-expensive engagement rings and lower divorce rates."

Interesting. I hadn't heard of that. Thanks

 

[Luvdogs]

We got married in the 80s.
There were seven people there--including us.
Only thing I kind of wanted-there was this "really pretty" church that we used to pass all the time.
I contacted them-"Are you a member"--um no.
"Are you our religion"--um no.
H*LL no was basically their response!

So we got married, went to dinner and my Dad picked up the tab!
Only thing I missed was no wedding cake.
But the next time I was over my parents, they had a small one for us with their cake topper that was on their cake from 40 years before.

Plus my parents gave us a very nice check that we used for the down payment for our house.

We're practical and not into the big wedding stuff--works for us.

 

[Bestwifeever]

We got married in the 80s.
There were seven people there--including us.
Only thing I kind of wanted-there was this "really pretty" church that we used to pass all the time.
I contacted them-"Are you a member"--um no.
"Are you our religion"--um no.
H*LL no was basically their response!

So we got married, went to dinner and my Dad picked up the tab!
Only thing I missed was no wedding cake.
But the next time I was over my parents, they had a small one for us with their cake topper that was on their cake from 40 years before.

Plus my parents gave us a very nice check that we used for the down payment for our house.

We're practical and not into the big wedding stuff--works for us.

Hilarious—you actually had my wedding! Seven people, including us! But in a random Episcopalian minister’s living room, and in the ’70s. I wore a blue mini dress that barely covered my girly parts, DH wore his Army uniform. Good times. But my kids went a very different route; fortunately they did not read the article that they should be divorced now, so they are both still happily married.

 

[Amethyst]

Well, THAT's way off. My first engagement ring had a .05 carat diamond (At that age, I would have been perfectly happy with no diamond, and that's pretty close to what I got ) Second time, I got a 2-carat solitaire, which has since had babies.

After all, a wedding lasts a few hours, and all that's left are the pictures. The ring can be passed down to descendants!

. The study, by two economics professors at Emory University, found a similar correlation between less-expensive engagement rings and lower divorce rates."

 

[youbet]

Hilarious—you actually had my wedding! Seven people, including us! But in a random Episcopalian minister’s living room, and in the ’70s. I wore a blue mini dress that barely covered my girly parts, DH wore his Army uniform. Good times. But my kids went a very different route; fortunately they did not read the article that they should be divorced now, so they are both still happily married.

Sounds like our family!

DW and I eloped at 21 yo and were married by the minister at her church with 5 friends present. That was on a Saturday morning. We spent the night at the OHare Marriott and Sunday moved her stuff from her shared apartment in Evanston to my apartment on "Da Nortwest Side" of Chicago. Monday morning......... back to work! Our dads thought this was great when they found out. Our moms didn't speak to us for months. Oh well......... It's been 48 years of (almost) marital bliss!

When our son married his college girlfriend 20 years ago, we were admittedly a bit anxious for them to have a more traditional wedding. Fortunately (at least for us) they were too. Her mom paid for the basic reception at a mid-tier place. We paid for the booze, rehearsal dinner and a catered wedding shower. We all had a ball and everytime I see their wedding pic on the mantel next to pics of the three grand kids, we and they have no regrets.

Sometimes you just have to do what you want to do and what you can do at the time!

 

[audreyh1]

What this study fails to emphasize enough is the fact that it's definitely not the amount spent on rings or ceremonies that influences divorce rates but rather the personalities of the people who tend to spend more or less on these things.

Financial strain is a leading cause of divorce. If one or more of the couple is a spendthrift, financial strain is likely.

A couple with both careful of spending is less likely to suffer financial strain.

If parents are shelling out for a big shindig wedding, it's not so clear whether the big wedding impacts the financial future of the couple. Other than secondary effect - being raised by big spender parents?

Now the engagement ring - that would be a more direct indicator.

 

[FIREd]

Got married in 2001. I think we spend about $20K-$25K on the wedding and honeymoon (can't remember exactly). With inflation, it would be about $28K-$35K in 2018 USD. We had a pretty good income already and paid for most of it ourselves. My in-laws insisted that we invite some of their friends (who would have never made the guest list otherwise) and they gave us some money to cover that additional cost. People still mention how great the wedding was. But I can't hardly remember any of it. It was a rather hectic day and it ended up being a blur.

I was pretty shocked by the total cost of our wedding. Where I come from, people rarely spend more than a few thousands on weddings. Family helps a lot to keep the costs down. But my in-laws were pretty dead set on a fancy wedding.

I did buy a pretty cheap engagement ring, having never heard of the "three month gross income rule" (are you kidding?). DW loved it and still wears the ring 19 years later. I proposed to upgrade it once, when we started doing really well financially, but she categorically refused.

 

[ERD50]

What this study fails to emphasize enough is the fact that it's definitely not the amount spent on rings or ceremonies that influences divorce rates but rather the personalities of the people who tend to spend more or less on these things.

Yes, while I'm not too surprised that there is a correlation between cost and success rates, the cause is very likely a level deeper, as you say.

And of course, if someone can afford it, and have their heads on straight about it, having a big bash can work out just fine. Just look at the Kardash... oh, never mind!

-ERD50

 

[athena53]

I did buy a pretty cheap engagement ring, having never heard of the "three month gross income rule" (are you kidding?). DW loved it and still wears the ring 19 years later. I proposed to upgrade it once, when we started doing really well financially, but she categorically refused.

Last I heard it was only two months' salary. When we got engaged, DH jokingly asked if that was 2 months of HIS salary or mine, since I made about twice what he did. We ended up splitting the cost of the ring; he bought the center stone (a pink topaz) and I bought side diamonds and the platinum setting. That was probably a good indication of how much we were on the same page financially and what a great team we were.

 

[RobbieB]

My first wedding cost less than $200. Chapel, flowers, minister, photo package and an audio cassette of the ceremony. Chapel of the Fountain located right in Circus-Circus Las Vegas NV.

We were young and poor and I paid for that one too.

Now that I'm not young and poor anymore it's gonna be city hall and a restaurant after and stay in grand a night hotel. Convey the "seniors" (a lot) in a limo from home to and then back home. Blow that dough!

 

[jazz4cash]

Closely following this. Today, we met our 34 yo daughter's latest beau. He seems sensible and is definitely cute. I am imagining what if's.





DH and I married in 1980; total cost was less than $500. But, that was then and this is now. I think DH and I would be willing to pitch in $5000 for a wedding/honeymoon/whatever.



We have three offspring, none of them wedded. Imagining what if's may be the best I get.

+1
We have 3 unmarried daughters. I've always had to temper spending (cars, college, gifts) to even things out for all 3. The idea of a large cash gift in lieu of footing the wedding tab always appealed to me and fancy weddings do not.
I got a shock recently when DDs best friend had a fancy wedding for less than 200 guests in a fancy venue. There are many historical sites around here that are available at reasonable cost. Her reception was held in a 1920s era mansion in the heart of DC that was built by a US Ambassador with furnishings from his travels and an elaborate garden.

I keep telling myself that my responsibility is diminished as DD #1 crosses age 30 and her income is greater than mine ever was.

 

[jollystomper]

One of my brothers gave his daughter an extravagant wedding - we are talking large church in Manhattan, reception in Central Park, post-reception party, and stocked (no alcohol)"party bus" shuttles between the locations for guest transportation. He and SIL are sane folks, LYBM, and he had a good career as an investment banker. He took early retirement the year of this wedding. The cost of wedding was not an issue because, it was, as he put it, "less than 10% of my severance pay... an amount that will not make a difference for my retirement". So, no harm, no foul. Niece and nephew-in-law are eternally grateful and have been happily married for 10+ years (and also following LBYM principles).

A few years before that, one of DW's sisters husband also gave their daughter a similar extravagant wedding. But they were LWATM (Living Way Above Their Means), and never refused niece anything. He ended up BORROWING to pay for the wedding. 10+ years later, both SIL and niece are now divorced and struggling financially. Niece in fact divorced, remarried, and got divorced again.

Sometimes it is less about the money, and more about the character and discipline of those involved.

 

[rayinpenn]

She was a stunning thin, tall, blonde, blue-eyed smart SUNY Stoney Brook graduate. (As I was crazy about my girlfriend at the time that I noticed says something.) He too was a tall good looking guy that had recently been accepted to a very exclusive medical school. They made the picture postcard couple. The wedding was a large beautiful affair on Long Island where nothing comes cheap. What I remember most is that the marriage lasted only a few days and ended in an annulment. Why? I have no idea but it instilled in me a life long doubt about glitzy weddings..oh and I aged into a big advocate of the stress free life a LBYM lifestyle can bring.

Of course ‘to each his own’ I recognize my way isn’t necessarily better it is just my way. I guess I’ve learned to challenge the paradigm.