Psychological/Social Aspects of Retirement

[stevenr]

Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!

 

[Car-Guy]

Those are all pretty common thoughts/issues for new retirees around here. You can search for plenty of threads here that talk about these things.

For me, I never cared what others thought or said. If they asked, I just said I'm retired. Why I retired, what I'm going to do now, etc, is my business. Share what you like. End of story.

As far as spending money, that too has been discussed many time here. Some have a harder time switching from saver to spender. For me, it was easy, I was always a spender but I'm very often an outlier around here. Ten+ years into retirement and my financial projections are on target.


Oh, and congratulations on retiring and welcome to the forum!

 

[rodi]

I didn't volunteer that I was retired but would tell them the truth when asked. And was quick to dissuade any well intentioned friends who would tell me about job openings. My BIL was sending me job leads for almost two years. (Fwiw, he's 67 and still working because it's who he is .. his wife is pushing him to retire but he's 'waiting for a severance package' )

As for spending... Yeah, I got pretty obsessed with watching pennies when I first retired. 9 years in I am very over that.

 

[Major Tom]

I too was preoccupied with spending as little money as possible in the first year or two of not working. I think it's normal.

As for what you tell people, tell 'em whatever you want. It's not important. You'll find that you care less what others think as time goes on. In a few years, you'll be at normal retiring age, and won't get the same sorts of questions anyway.

 

[MissMolly]

My philosophy is this: What other people think about me is none of my business. I was your age when I retired from my career job. I didn't announce it from the rooftops but I didn't lie about it or try to hide the fact. You have to live your own life. Also, other people do not think about us nearly as much as we think. They are far too busy with their own lives and their own problems to spend time worrying about our lives. Enjoy your retirement and don't worry about other people.

 

[MC Rider]

Don't worry.
Be happy.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

I tend to be straightforward but tailor my answer to the situation and my desire to have a conversation with the person. I don't have time or energy to dance around the truth. I usually just say I'm early retired (I sometimes put a "sort of" in front to soften it but not sure why) -then I get asked how old I am either directly or indirectly! Most people are interested and/or congratulatory. Ironically, I get asked the most by people on my tours that ask me what my "real job" is! I usually just tell them "this" initially but most don't accept that answer without further inquiry.

 

[braumeister]

My philosophy is this: What other people think about me is none of my business. I was your age when I retired from my career job. I didn't announce it from the rooftops but I didn't lie about it or try to hide the fact. You have to live your own life. Also, other people do not think about us nearly as much as we think. They are far too busy with their own lives and their own problems to spend time worrying about our lives. Enjoy your retirement and don't worry about other people.

Well put.

 

[luckydude]

Hi, I've been lurking for a couple months, and finally registered. Sorry for the long post, Dr. Freud.

My retirement came earlier than I expected in January, after I 'resigned' a longtime client. Things were getting dysfunctional with them and a large project I managed was being revamped (without my input), and I realized the time was right. Last year our financial planner said we can pull off my retirement too, so I was itching for an excuse anyway.

My wife is on board after seeing me suffer through their antics for 30 years. She is a flight attendant—with all the medical and flight benefits—and will continue to work for several more years. I am 58.

Here's the thing: I am struggling whether to be up front or low key about it when talking to people, almost like survivor's guilt in a weird way. I have only told a few friends/siblings. "You're too young!," "What are you going to do?" "Is your wife still going to work?" are some of the reactions I received. Most state they couldn't NOT work or they would go crazy. I also feel like society still looks down on the male not working. I've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on. I am avoiding talking to people because I fear I would have to bring it up and hear more reactions like this.

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

Have any of you encountered these situations? They were not on my bingo card!

I retired in my mid-40s in 2015. In the first couple of years I went through some of the struggles you described. I was a bit uncomfortable telling people (especially acquaintances or friends of similar age and still working) I was retired because I didn't want to come off as a show-off or some lazy bum. It didn't help that I have a baby face and look younger than my actual age and DW was still working. Some people assumed that I was a SAHD (stay at home dad) and others joked that I was "living off the wife", which frankly kinda irked me a bit.

But with the passing of years, now I am very comfortable telling people I am retired when asked. I don't try to hide the fact or dance around it. I am happy to be retired and enjoying life and I just don't give a sh*t anymore what people's reactions are

As for being comfortable spending money and trusting the math, it just takes time. It may take some people longer than others, but eventually we all come to the realization that time is more precious than money as we get older, so the time to use money to enjoy life is now.

 

[JDARNELL]

Yes. I went through it at age 46 after I retired. It faded with time. As you get more comfortable in your new phase it will go away.

 

[Dash man]

When people asked me what I do to keep busy in retirement, I respond “whatever I want!” With a smile of course.

Congratulations on retiring!

 

[jollystomper]

In sum... I believe the phrase "those who mind do not matter, those who matter do not mind" comes into play here.

I never have an issue about telling people I am retired. Now, I do not dance an unholy jig around them, chortling "I'M RETIRED! YOU'RE NOT! TAKE THAT, PEASANTS!". I simply going into Joe Friday "just the facts" mode when asked.

If they say "what are you going to do/are you doing with yourself", my standard reply is "anything I want".

If they say "I could never retire" for whatever reason, I do not argue with them, I just smile and say "I understand".

My wife also worked a couple of years now, I just referred to myself as being "her kept man" . During that time some people would ask her if she had to work because I retired, or expressed concerns to her about that. She would just smile and say "well, its good to have him around at my beck and call".

As for spending, yes it does get some taking used to. Just take your time to adjust. You are retired, no need to rush anything - including spending.

P.S. Welcome to E-R. org! If you want, there is a "Hello, I am..." section where people can introduce themselves and more folks will welcome you to this esteemed community.

 

[11522914]

First off Congrats on your retirement.

I was excited and proud of myself that I was able to retire 4 years ago at 58 1/2. I could care less what other people thought about it. Didn't bother me in the least bit.

Many people have this vision of how their retirement or lack of retirement would be or is and compare that to my retirement. I didn't ask for this but they offered it. Sure, I should live your version of retirement. Most of my friends and family have always been supportive of how I choose to experience my retirement.

It was definitely hard going from saver to spender and it took well over a year to get used to it. But I'm now 4 years in and have been below my initial estimated expenses every year. I actually need to spend more and plan on it this year with lots of travel and some deferred maintenance.

 

[Aerides]

I think perhaps you're overthinking how to talk to others. Most people don't really care about your work, they are just making conversation. So if someone asks "what do you do?" have a short answer that doesn't include work. Don't offer your situation up for discussion unless asked. Talk about family, hobbies, passions - far more interesting.

You're 58 and in finance, so "I'd planned for an early retirement, let's see how this goes, wish me luck!" should work. Anyone who pooh-poohs that with "I could Never...harumph!" oh well, move on to the next person at the table.

 

[RobbieB]

I always answer truthfully.

Where do you work? I don't, I'm retired.
Occupation? Retired.
What do you do all day? Anything I want.

As to spending money? I'm the Blow That Dough guy -

Have fun, don't stress, you'll get the hang of it. Sooner or later. For me it was sooner.

 

[Bigdawg]

OP, sounds to me like you are a stay at home husband and a personal wealth manager. But what do I know. My last day was 15 Feb. I'm 57. My DW still works. I'm reading "How to retire wild happy and free". Good read so far. About half way done. Congrats and best of luck to you sir.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

I'm a bit tighter than I thought but I'm not feeling deprived in any way at all. -Mostly just no splurging..... Inflation is kicking and the market is meh so I don't "feel" rich. As an optimizer by nature being thrifty is not surprising. If/when (wish me luck) I find Ms FLSunFIRE, then my spending will go up... the dating category is my biggest and least desired area to be saving right now.


I do trust the math... while it's not pretty looking at the market, I have money in the bank to cover my bills this year and my spending is pretty much what it has always been. The one weird factor is, to make a bad analogy, I feel like Schrodinger's FIREe : I'm both rich (top ~2% NWish) and poor (39th percentile "income"/spending). I identify with both of those possibilities but the probability (FIRECalc, et al) is that I'm "rich" I don't feel it (Maybe one day I'll pull my yacht up next to RobbieB).

 

[SnowballCamper]

I just answer honestly, but avoid the word retired as long as I can. When asked, "what do you do?" I talk about my hobbies or what I've done recently. Most people seem to take the hint that I don't want to talk about work/occupation and it's avoided. If/when they get direct and specific, I'm honest but give short answers. There is a period of adjustment...

 

[fassmac]

I will retire in June. I am 53. It's been a long dream of mine. Everyone at megacorp knows since last year, all my friends know and I have no problems telling strangers as well. I have received nothing but positive feedback and encouragement and yes of course some jealousy.

 

[jldavid47]

Another thing: After 1.5 months I am also finding it hard to spend ANY money. I am cutting back and having a tough time trusting the math that I will be ok taking such an early retirement.

I can address this one from personal experience. I went through this three times. Once when I retired for the first time at age 47 and again when I retired for good at age 60 then again when my wife was offered an early retirement package three years ago.

Each time I ran the numbers what seemed to be 100 times and each time the results said we were going to be fine. But I had trouble really believing it until we lived it. In each case it took 3-4 months before I felt comfortable with the decision from a financial perspective.

My guess is you will be fine. What you are going through is normal in my opinion. Eventually you’ll relax and enjoy the journey.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

More time with my coffee this morning. While I usually just say, or get to, I'm retired. These are some of the responses I've given depending on circumstance, person, and mood. Anyone I have ongoing relationships with I don't try to hide my situation or mislead; in general I prefer to leave people with the impression that I don't have to work as long as I live modestly (i.e. I have a rich life but am not "rich"). I had some concern that people that know me might try pressuring me to spend money "Come on, you can afford it, etc" but that, fortunately, has never happened (maybe I pick my acquaintances well?).



"I'm done with cubicle life/"I only do fun jobs now" -usual answer when giving a tour and the customer asks what I do...what other job do people ask you what your job is when at work and they are the customer?!

"On a sabbatical"
"I've chosen to LIVE modestly now than die rich later"

"Somewhere between unemployed and retired"
"Whatever I want" -but that's a bit rude IMO
"Paddle, Bike, etc..."


A lot of times people suggest "Financial Advisor" for "Private Clients" on these threads and I've thought about using that but the circumstances haven't been right. If there's ever a blow hard pressing me might use it as it sounds impressive and I can hide behind confidentiality and really play up the exclusivity of my clientele and insinuate that my clients are way out of their league... that could be fun with the right chest puffing blowhard if I'm feeling cheeky but I rarely cross those types in the circles I travel.

 

[prudent_one]

When people ask me what I do, I talk about my main volunteer position. It sounds like it could be a paid regular job. I don't say it's volunteer, most people assume it's a paid gig so I avoid the whole "But you're so young!" awkwardness.

 

[old medic]

Congratulations and welcome to the Forum. Similar situation, retired last Jan at 58, the DW has a few more years to go. But telling is a different story. Its 15 months later and seems every time I'm out in public someone will ask me how retirement is going. Of course, It was also a front-page story in our local paper, talk about the cats out of the bag. One of the lines I have used when folks ask what I do... Unemployed or a house husband. Don't stress yourself over what others think. Should they make a negative comment, smile and just ask them... Jealous?
The spending is a normal concern across the board anyway. We have always been very frugal, mostly out of necessity, But its nice to be able to splurge on things now.

 

[FREE866]

Totally relate to the OP.


I think our society is so conditioned to work , work, work as much as possible that for someone to retire in their 50s it's just flabbergasting to most people. As others have said, let them think or say what they want, its your life!

 

[MarieIG]

Steven, Welcome to the forum.

You have gotten a lot of good advice in this thread. Remember, you are newly retired, it will take some time to ease into your new life.

The one person whose opinion matters is on board with your retirement. It seems as if you badly needed it. As far as others go, I wouldn't volunteer the news, but I wouldn't lie about it either. You can be cordial, but you don't owe anyone (other than DW - and that's not an issue) a detailed explanation.) "The time was right." As far as other people saying they couldn't, don't let that bother you. (See Jollystomper's response.) There will come a time when you are comfortable with your new status.

As far as spending goes, as long as you are paying your taxes, utilities, and necessities, I wouldn't worry about it. I am "guessing" that with your DW's job, you can plan some nice budget vacations. Hmmmm. Also, visit your library, not only can you get free books, you may be able to get free tickets to museums and parks and such. Go for walks. If you like working with your hands, fix something in the house. Enjoy some time with yourself. Just be. (The spending will come after you are more comfortable with your budget and being retired.)

Take on a few chores around the house. (You don't have to kill yourself.) When DW comes home from a trip, have the shopping done and a meal ready. Make morning coffee.

P.S. DH retired before I did. He wanted me to retire first, but I "tricked" him into it - he really, really needed it. No, I was not the least embarrassed about what anyone else thought. He worked so very, very hard for so long, and his job was demanding mentally and physically.