setting boundaries after retirement!

[Barry Darsow]

Helping parents is a different thing.

Even if one is a narcissist?

 

[Barry Darsow]

"A friend in need is a pest." - Bobby the Brain Heenan

 

[ElizabethT]

Interesting. I’m enjoying being able to say yes to helping out when needed now that I’m retired.
Work took so much of my time and energy that I was often not available for extra curricular activities.
To each their own thought.

i

Extra curricular activities are different from what is being discussed on this thread I believe. Personally I have no shortage of extra curricular activities in my life, which is precisely why I’m so protective of my time in general.

 

[Aerides]

My wife still works and my adult daughter has moved home.
Of course, they both made agreements with others and of course everyone is too busy and it's on me.

The follow up post from the OP sounds very different from "people keep taking advantage of me because I'm retired" -

it's more like "my family takes things on and then dump them on me because I'm retired"

So you deal with your wife/daughter more directly, and maybe it improves?

 

[gauss]

I used to suffer from people pleasing. Not any more. Several sayings that helped me…

“If you don’t like being walked on, stop acting like a doormat.”

“No.”

“Sorry, I’ve got too much on my plate right now.”

“I’ll have to take a rain check on that.”

“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”

One of my favorite go-to responses is:
"When do you need an answer?"

It gives you time to think it through thoroughly and give an appropriate response at that time.

-guass

 

[brett]

Say yes to things you want to do or to the help that you want to provide.

Say no to things you do not want to do or no to the help that you do not want to provide.

It is that easy. It is YOUR decision. If you are saying yes when you want to say no then the issue is YOURS, not theirs.

The rest is noise level. Bottom line is that you either exercise control over your own life or you let others do it for you. It is entirely up to you.

It seems incredibly straight forward to me. Why blame others?

 

[KarenF]

I am often happy to help with things on an ad hoc basis from time to time. However, I find that organizations want to rope me into ongoing regular commitments. That's where I say a hard NO! I want to keep my time flexible and be able to take advantage of spontaneous activities. I'm not at all interested in anything like "every Tuesday morning at 9:00", etc. People who are enslaved to a job don't seem to understand why that's a problem.

Exactly. I do some paid pet sitting but not every day at 11 for the rest of time. I will only commit 2 weeks in advance and I reserve the right to cancel. I also take care of my neighbor's dog while they are on vacation but they do not take me for granted. My reason is that I spend a lot of time with my grandkids and I AM available if they have a childcare issue, which does happen occasionally.

 

[jollystomper]

"A friend in need is a pest." - Bobby the Brain Heenan

You krushed it, kruschev! Or maybe, smashed it .

 

[Gearhead Jim]

Then you gotta tell them no. They don't get to make promises and then expect you to keep them.

A while back my kids were agitating to get a dog and DW was onboard. I knew that as DW still works and kids are still at school, I would be stuck taking care of the dog during the day, and I have zero interest in doing that, so I said no way in hell. DW wasn't happy with me and kids were screaming, but I stuck to my gun and duly weathered the storm. No dog, no pet, no nothing

There are times when you just need to tactfully say No.

But use that power carefully. I have friends who stuck to their guns and now have no dog, and no kids, and no wife, and no life.

 

[FedRetired50]

However, I have learned to say no to people that weren’t there for me emotionally when I got divorced and rarely ever even called.

I went through this, too. An acquaintance at work had just finished his divorce as mine started and gave me this advice: "be prepared for friends that stay, those that disappear, and those that appear out of nowhere". I had all 3. The ones that disappeared piled hurt on top of hurt. Best friends of 20 years that texted my whole family how much THEY were suffering and then ghosted. And acquaintances that stepped up and were there for all of us. I've since given the same advice to others that have started the process.

Even if {a parent} is a narcissist?

Been there, stopped talking to one for 3 years at one point when I finally learned to enforce boundaries.