setting time boundaries with spouse

[Winemaker]

Nope. He likes his navy socks with certain clothes. Yes, really.

Put those certain outfits with the socks!

 

[Sunset]

....

(speaking of socks; I think I came up with a brilliant sol'n: I saw DH squinting in the predawn light, trying to decide if the socks in his hand were navy or black. Since he only has a few pair of navy socks, and since I fold laundry during the day, when the light is good, I wrote NAVY on a ziplock, and put his navy socks inside. I think that might forestall a headache in the morning...or a mismatched outfit.)

.....

OMG.... You are kidding right ?
I count myself lucky DW throws my socks in 1 drawer and undies in the other...

My solution is I buy White socks and Black socks, white for everyday and black for work & funerals (which are sort of similar).

 

[MichaelB]

So, how do you set boundaries when your spouse starts to assume you've got infinite free time which can be used for their convenience?

Are you certain the issue here is the way he values his time vs yours? Could there be some resentment that he still works while you do not?

 

[Slughorn]

if he likes a scheduled life, well, get his input and make a schedule.

Oh, quite the opposite. I call it a self-imposed erratic schedule.

For example, one Saturday morning, about 12 years ago, I slept in. (very rare; I'm usually the early riser.)

He had started tearing down cabinets in the kitchen...because we would have a renovation in a couple years and thought we could live without those particular cabinets.

It turned out to be a good idea, but ... yep. Just like that! He decided. And went for it. If I got out the paintbrushes to paint the doghouse, they would sit around for weeks, because he'd decide that this was the weekend to clean the gutters instead.

Now, about painting the doghouse. What's the emoji for sighing? Would you believe that a carpenter recently refused to do any more work at his parents' house because 'I can't do work to your standards'? That's how he was raised. NO ONE can paint the doghouse as well as he can paint the doghouse. The end.

Now, DH has many, many excellent qualities. But, here's an example of his perfectionism: One time I bought a batch of day lily bulbs. My 4-year-old and I planted them outside on a pretty day. DH was upset. He dug them up and replanted them -- in precise rows. Have you seen how day lilies grow?

When he planted grass plugs, he laid out a measuring tape and marked off each spot before planting. I don't think he understands botany.

But, he's in the safety department, so his perfectionism is put to good use at work.

 

[Slughorn]

Put those certain outfits with the socks!

That's a smart idea. I should do that ... socks in a bag on the hanger. End of confusion.

 

[braumeister]

before you know it, you're spending all morning ironing your spouse's socks.

I'm not clear on this -- would that be considered problematic?





j/k

 

[Meadbh]

Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

 

[razztazz]

Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

Thank you. I have been holding back on this . Didn't want to sound like an instigator.

 

[Slughorn]

Are you certain the issue here is the way he values his time vs yours? Could there be some resentment that he still works while you do not?

No, he wanted me to quit long before I decided to.

He just doesnt' seem to realize that other people have goals and schedules as well. It's as if he thinks that all my chores can be done in 30 minutes ... but he doesn't like time constraints put on his work...

and that's why I'm worried that my retirement will become, "... while you're home today, it's important that we get all the CDs arranged alphabetically ... and the dog kibble color-coded ... and the cobwebs off the shed .... it'll only take half-an-hour or so."

Now, back to the last round of chores before supper.

 

[ivinsfan]

Your original post said this was about a time issue....actually your spouse appears to be very controlling...with a side of O C D thrown in.your biggest challenge is going to be what happens when he's home 24/7.

 

[Slughorn]

Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

Oh, no. He's a lovely person who laughs at my jokes, has been my rock in tough times, and indulges my eccentricities as well.

I just want to forestall the "you're home all day; you can do this ... my way " attitude !

(I think oldwizard had a thread with a similar issue; not sure how that worked out.)

 

[Slughorn]

Your original post said this was about a time issue....actually your spouse appears to be very controlling...with a side of O C D thrown in.your biggest challenge is going to be what happens when he's home 24/7.

I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ?

I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

 

[ivinsfan]

I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ?

I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

In most people's minds someone who digs up bulbs you have lovingly planted with your 4 year old because they weren't done properly is controlling..... The not understanding time issue could be something else. My 19 year old niece with adult ADHD can't figure out what time to get up and get out the door to be in class on time. Literally can't figure out how long it takes her to get ready every morning.

You're a new poster and I don't want you to think we are all man bashers or anti-marriage.But many of us wouldn't flourish in the set-up you describe here.You obviously care deeply for your DH.

 

[Winemaker]

That's a smart idea. I should do that ... socks in a bag on the hanger. End of confusion.

I meant putting the outfits with the socks in the garbage or Goodwill. There is more important things in life than sorting blue/black socks with blue/black sock outfits.

I worked as a supervisor in various coal mines for over 35 years, I dedicated my life to safety in coal mines, especially the ones where I worked. Perfection has nothing to do with safety, following safe working plans does.

If he told you earlier in the week he was to paint the doghouse and now he wants to clean the gutters, then he's not following HIS plan. We have a problem Houston, and it ain't flooding.....

 

[Chuckanut]

I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ?

I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

I am reminded of the episode of Downton Abbey. The head Butler Carson is married to Mrs. Hughes (Finally!). He has no idea what it takes to run the small house they live in. Alas, his wife gets injured and he has to take over cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, etc. He quickly learns the realities of life.

 

[ivinsfan]

That was a fake injury..the plan worked

 

[tmm99]

That was a fake injury..the plan worked

Now, that's an idea for the OP


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[FlaGator]

Stepping back from the frustrating details....

You've lived with this for 30 years, what has materially changed recently? Your retirement, and how you thought you would/could spend your time? Has he changed how he interacts with you? Does he want to do things differently now that you're retired? Do you want to do different things, or the usual stuff differently?

Perhaps it's that his behavior is now more obvious, and less easy to gloss over now that you don't have a structured schedule?

Was married for 30 years, and I spent probably the first 20 being periodically frustrated with my late wife's idiosyncrasies. She probably spent 29 years frustrated with mine . I finally concluded "that's the way she is", accepted it, did work arounds on a few things, and just shut up on the rest.

Since you're seeking advice, here's some from a rando on the internet:
-Step back and consider how you are reacting to this now, why you might be reacting differently (if you are) and why, specifically, this is frustrating for you. A good friend or counselor may help you clarify things.

-Understand this is a change for him as well, and he may be trying to figure how your new circumstances will play out for him, and you as a couple.

Seems like there are some things to talk about.

 

[Scrapr]

and that's why I'm worried that my retirement will become, "... while you're home today, it's important that we get all the CDs arranged alphabetically ... and the dog kibble color-coded ... and the cobwebs off the shed .... it'll only take half-an-hour or so."

Now, back to the last round of chores before supper.

Our old neighbor was a SAHM. After her DH started giving her chore lists to do every day she got on playground duty at the Local school.

 

[Mo Money]

I knew when I ER'ed (my partner has not yet done so and is 11 years younger than me), I'd get lots of honey-do requests since I would be assumed to have so much free time.

As most ER'ed people on this forum know, the vacuum of w*rk is often filled by chosen pursuits the ER'ed partner has wanted to pursue for decades. That's the case for me. (Thank God.)

I have taken on some additional chores voluntarily, but I have gently made it clear that there is a limit. I am going to enjoy my ER, not morph into another j*b as Mr.-Honey-Do-Cause-You-Seem-To-Have-Infinite-Free-Time-You-Lucky-Guy-You.

 

[Sunset]

OP - perhaps you need to become a free lance travel writer, and go on a trip for research, I'm pretty sure your Hubby can cook supper in 15 minutes when he gets home after work.

 

[Jerry1]

Given that you've been married for quite some time, this is probably not going to happen, but you just need to say no. No honey, I cannot deal with the car today will work just fine. You could add information about when you can do the car.

There's an old adage - don't be the first one to mow the lawn or do the dishes in a marriage or you'll be the one doing that chore for the rest of your life. Retirement is somewhat of a reset. If you don't establish the ground rules right away, the pattern you fall into will be the pattern you're stuck with. You're the only one that can set the rules you want in your retirement and you need to do that.

Of course, you'll cooperate and help with getting things done. Of course you'll help the family or your spouse or your relationship to thrive, but sometimes, you just have to say definitively, what you will and what you won't do. It will get easier with time. I used to lie or say yes and not actually go when people asked me to go to various events that I never wanted to go to (introvert). As soon as I just politely started saying no thank you, things got much better. I didn't feel bad about not going and they didn't expect me. I still get invited to things but generally people understand that I'm not likely to say yes and when I do, they know it's something I really want to do.

I wish you all the best in this part of your retirement journey. As a few other's have said, it would be good to start planning for the time DH retires (with DH).

 

[Ronnieboy]

I have to admit that when I saw the title of this thread I was thinking of time boundaries in the bedroom....Wink, Wink.

But I was a good read all the same. Sorry no advise as DW and I are still accumulating.

 

[Scuba]

It sounds as though you have some things you'd rather do with your time rather than what DH is suggesting. My idea is to make your plans accordingly and fill part of your time with activities that are important to you. If you're getting out and doing what you want a good bit of the time, you won't feel as though you're at DH's beck and call.

 

[target2019]

Nope. He likes his navy socks with certain clothes. Yes, really.

I saw a guy at work yesterday. He was sitting in the bullpen area, where there are usually younger interns, etc.

He had no sox, and was wearing very light-colored deck shoes.

I wonder if he could not find the right-colored sox?