Single and post-FIRE: how's dating/relationships going for you?

[Hans]

I don't know if this topic has been covered, so I'll post it.

For those that are post-FIRE and single, what have you done about dating and relationships? And how's that been going?

I have a request: Please do not turn this into an "advice" thread. My interest is to have people share their actual experiences.

Just to put in my two cents, I have not found it to be easy! It seems there's an expectation that a man of working age "should" be working.

 

[RunningBum]

I'd say it's been a little easier for me, especially compared to when I was working at home alone in the final years because I get out more. Even before that, the tech field is still male dominated so my odds weren't that good, though I did meet my ex-wife at work. I'm now flexible to match times with someone not in a 9-5 job, and I can do some activities and volunteer that help meet more women. That said, I've always felt shy and awkward about approaching most women, so it's rarely that easy for me.

I haven't found anyone expecting that I "should" be working but I have been repeatedly asked "What do you do all day?"

My last relationship ended in part because she was really busy, and when she was free and asked if I wanted to get together she sometimes hoped I'd be busy so she could get other stuff done, while getting "credit" for making time for me.

 

[Chuckanut]

I found that finding good women in the over 50 crowd was easy. There are a ton of them out there. Finding the 'right for me' good woman is the tough part. 90% of the women my age in my area are not suitable for me. Nobody's fault. We're just different. But, when one lives in the big city that still leaves thousands, perhaps 10's of thousands of potential suitable partners.

One thing stood out for me right away in choosing whom I might date. She had to be somebody's mother. Things just worked better for me with another parent. One warning: If all her children/grandchildren live far away, assume she will at some point move to be closer to them. So, make sure she is 'geographically desirable'. I still regret the 'one that got away', but my children where here and hers were there.

So called online dating is really just a way to meet people you otherwise would have never met. It's not dating by any stretch of the imagination, just as serving McDonalds to your dinner guests is not cooking for them. I have met some great women using online resources. Blind dates never worked for me. But, on several occasions I met a nice women at a party given by friends.

The best book I ever read that did me much good in adapting to being single was "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title sounds harsh, but it really is simply about being yourself. To do otherwise is to hide your candle under a bucket and then wonder why others can't see the light. IOW, be genuine.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I live in Southern California and with a population of 20 million you never run out of options. I'm 59 and date women in their 20's and 30's. Maybe this couldn't be done in a small town but there is a never ending supply of women here who are looking for husbands. It's hard for me to believe that any man that lives here would struggle to meet women.

I've been seeing the same woman for 3 years and have to admit she is a great woman. She was 39 when I met her, lives 3 miles from me, doesn't have kids and thinks I'm Mr. Wonderful.

As far as "a man of working age should be working",,,I do see that. I'd go as far as saying every woman I have met since I retired at 45 has felt that way. My solution to that is to let them know that if you have plenty of money, there is no need to go to work for more. Sometimes I say to them "if you had 5 million dollars , would you still go to work?" That usually makes them see the matter for what it is. Current GF admits the fact that I don't go to work gets to her a bit. It's something we have discussed but it doesn't cause any problems.

 

[Major Tom]

Gosh, dating sounds like a lot of hard work. It sounds awful!

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have been single for 7 months and at 67 I am enjoying it. I see men at my dining group and that’s sufficient). I have spent most of my life married. I wouldn’t live with anyone. If I met someone compatible to go out with or vacation with that would be nice. But definitely not putting any effort into looking.

 

[Hans]

I haven't found anyone expecting that I "should" be working

Understood. Actually, I didn't mean that someone actually said that, it's just an impression I got from online dating. One of the first questions they ask is "what do you do" and in some cases they stop responding after I tell them... just assuming it's no coincidence!

Not a problem... it's better if the ones who can't match my lifestyle eliminate themselves sooner rather than later.

 

[travelover]

I got divorced 7 years before I retired, so slightly different circumstance. I did find it difficult to find the "right" women to date. Most have kids and ex-husbands, and all come along with the package. I really didn't want to have to deal with kids, so tended to date women who had post teen-age kids.

Match.com was the best site for me at the time as it allowed me to filter by age, education and other factors that were relevant to me. Ultimately, I had the best luck putting my info out there and letting women contact me. Women with no photos posted tended to be the most attractive.

I did find out that a lot of women are barely getting by and many are at least partially dependent on their parents. So, it was hard to find someone with even close to my income and net worth. Not that I held it against them, but it makes it awkward when there is too much disparity.

Ultimately I found an attractive woman with an adult daughter and a nice job with a generous pension, so it has worked out well and we celebrated 16 years of marriage this summer.

 

[travelover]

........ One of the first questions they ask is "what do you do" and in some cases they stop responding after I tell them... just assuming it's no coincidence!........

There are a lot of people out there looking for a meal ticket in addition to a movie out, so I suspect that what you see is caution on their part. Early retirement like we have is very rare, joblessness is very common.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Understood. Actually, I didn't mean that someone actually said that, it's just an impression I got from online dating. One of the first questions they ask is "what do you do" and in some cases they stop responding after I tell them... just assuming it's no coincidence!

Not a problem... it's better if the ones who can't match my lifestyle eliminate themselves sooner rather than later.

Whenever I said "I don't work" in response to that question, the conversation ended.

Whenever I said "I'm wealthy, and don't need to work for money anymore", the conversation continued. And I was being honest, something you rarely find in online dating.

 

[Hans]

Whenever I said "I don't work" in response to that question, the conversation ended.

Whenever I said "I'm wealthy, and don't need to work for money anymore", the conversation continued. And I was being honest, something you rarely find in online dating.

That's cool. In my case, I don't think I'm wealthy. I just say I'm retired... simple, honest, direct. I'm optimistic that if I just express myself in the way that feels right to me, then the right women will show up eventually... if it takes longer, that's ok.

 

[W2R]

For those that are post-FIRE and single, what have you done about dating and relationships? And how's that been going?

I have a request: Please do not turn this into an "advice" thread. My interest is to have people share their actual experiences.

Don't know if mine is the type of experience that you had in mind, but here goes.

My actual experience is that I have been "going steady" with the same guy (who I met on an internet dating site) for over two decades. So, I wasn't retired when we met but we have both been retired for almost 12 years.

It's been going well for us because from Day One we established that neither of us wants to marry, live together, or share our money with the other. That pretty much eliminates any possibility of any gold digging whatsoever either way. Six years ago I bought the house next door to his, so it is even easier for us to see as much (or as little) of each other as we want. For us, this has been utterly ideal.

I don't see how it would have made the slightest difference if we met after we both retired, as opposed to before we both retired. Well, except that we would not have been separated as much by all that work travel that we both had to do while we were working.

I could date other people if I wanted to but gee! We have a good thing going and he's the man for me. I don't see anything changing that, ever.

In the hypothetical scenario that I was working and he was retired, well if he was entirely self supporting, who cares? My main concern would be to avoid getting hooked up with a gold digger.

 

[athena53]

I live in Southern California and with a population of 20 million you never run out of options. I'm 59 and date women in their 20's and 30's.

Dayum. Guys like you are why women in their 60s are having a hard time finding decent men. I am NOT going to go looking for men in the 80-and-up age range. (One guy who Liked my profile on Match was 85, legally separated and described himself as "lonely".)

I finally did meet a guy on-line who was looking in his own age range and who has far less than I do (grey divorce at 61, still working but he likes it) but stands on his own two feet financially. We've reached a good balance of who pays for what and neither of us wants to remarry. We've been together almost 3 years.

My ideal would be a guy who's drop-dead gorgeous and has the same extravagant travel budget I do but I suspect they're the ones dating the women in their 30s and 40s.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

That's cool. In my case, I don't think I'm wealthy. I just say I'm retired... simple, honest, direct. I'm optimistic that if I just express myself in the way that feels right to me, then the right women will show up eventually... if it takes longer, that's ok.

Look at it from the woman's perspective. They are getting dozens of responses, if not a hundred a day (At least thats how it is where I live). They have to weed them out somehow. So as you said, often the first question asked is in regards to ones type of employment. As in cardiovascular surgeon = good, low paying job=disqualify him.

Once I figured out not to say "No job" and clarified why I don't work, about 90% of the time they continued the conversation.

Whether it's a good or bad thing, it ends up being no job no interest.

 

[RunningBum]

That's cool. In my case, I don't think I'm wealthy. I just say I'm retired... simple, honest, direct. I'm optimistic that if I just express myself in the way that feels right to me, then the right women will show up eventually... if it takes longer, that's ok.

Yes, this. There's no reason to say "no job". It shouldn't take trial and error to see the negative connotation. I usually say that I was able to retire early, and if I get any gold digger vibes I find a way to say that I have enough for myself, implying that I'm not loaded. Now that I'm quickly approaching early I can probably just say "retired" without the "early" qualifier.

 

[Sojourner]

I was a single FIRE'd guy until a few years ago, spent the first 3-4 years of my semi-retirement alone and, honestly, pretty lonely. I tried the online introduction/dating services and found them to be a huge disappointment. I never got much in the way of responses from women I contacted, and the ones who contacted me were almost always obvious "fakes" looking to ensnare lonely, desperate guys. I stayed active for about 10 months and found the entire experience quite disenchanting and depressing. Based on my experience, I would be shocked if more than 3-4% of men who sign up for Match.com end up meeting a long-term romantic partner that way.

What did work for me, somewhat, was joining various Meetup groups where I mixed and mingled face-to-face with many different people of all types in relaxed social settings. This felt natural and led to a number of dates and short-term relationships. I'm happily married now (to someone I didn't meet via Meetup or Match or anything like that), but if I were still single, meetups would still be my main focus for finding potential dates. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend getting active on Meetup.com.

Also, since you mentioned it, I personally found it best to respond to queries about my job with something vague like "I'm a freelance consultant". I felt that saying I was retired (in my mid/late 40s) would, in many cases, lead a woman to immediately assume that I was either unemployed (and thus lazy and/or broke) or that I was rich. I figured a little while lie about being a "consultant" was the best way to put the money/job/career questions to rest right out of the gate.

 

[Chuckanut]

My ideal would be a guy who's drop-dead gorgeous and has the same extravagant travel budget I do but I suspect they're the ones dating the women in their 30s and 40s.

An acquaintance dated women 20 to 30 years younger. Now in his late 50s, he is the father of twins.

 

[athena53]

An acquaintance dated women 20 to 30 years younger. Now in his late 50s, he is the father of twins.

Ack! I'm glad my body has shut down that process. I love my grandchildren but would not apply for the job of caring for them FT.

 

[unclemick]

29 years with an "Irish by injection only' divorced 'Cat lic' as they say in New Orleans including 12 years in ER. Two packs a day and COPD resulting in passing early post Katrina. 5 years of less than successful dating ensued.

Recalling my old retired AF buddy's advice - ' go to church to meet women'. So being a good engineer I took the 'Belief O Matic quiz online and it said I was closest to a UU. So I found the nearest Unitarian church 50 miles away.

Short version - met, dated for a year and got married for the first time at age 70.

Heh heh heh- 8 years and counting. Working well. True story with some tongue in cheek..

 

[Hans]

Thanks to all so far for sharing your experiences. The diversity of people's lives is interesting.

Please note that my intention was to keep the focus on what's happening with people who are post-FIRE and single at the same time (because I think interesting things happen when these situations overlap... some of the above was some other situation).

Look at it from the woman's perspective. They are getting dozens of responses

If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend getting active on Meetup.com.

Regarding both of the above, please note that the reason I requested that we not create an "advice" discussion is that advice tends to be things that everyone (other than a frozen caveman) already knows at our age!

That said, I do appreciate what you all have shared about your actual experiences.

Regarding the following...

I'm happily married now (to someone I didn't meet via Meetup or Match or anything like that)...

Would you like to share how you met?

 

[pjm-7]

Post FIRE, single and moved to a town where I knew nobody during the pandemic lockdown. I have met some people through some meetup groups. The groups have been fine for social activities. There has been a few single guys but they are dating other women. I recently, somewhat reluctantly signed up on a dating website. Maybe a possibility there, remains to be seen.

Yes, it is hard to meet other compatible singles. As a woman that can pass for almost five years younger than I really am, I try to down play why I retired. There must be some thought of me being some trust-fund baby (far from it) or I struck it rich when I was in the investment business (not!).

I dislike the loneliness and the longing for companionship. I just have to keep working on me and maybe it will get better.

 

[Sojourner]

Regarding the following...

I'm happily married now (to someone I didn't meet via Meetup or Match or anything like that)...

Would you like to share how you met?

Sure. I posted about it in a thread titled "I'm getting married" a few months back. Here's the quote:

We met years ago through mutual friends and had kept in touch off and on through the years. We considered ourselves friends, but not close friends, for most of that time. Reconnected in a deeper way a few years back, and then things just kind of blossomed, very naturally, in 2019. This is one of the aspects of our relationship I'm so thankful for... how naturally it developed. So, so, so much better than all these awkward, online dating/introduction services I've tried. I know they work for some people, but IMHO, the old-fashioned way is by far the best.

 

[Sojourner]

Yes, it is hard to meet other compatible singles. As a woman that can pass for almost five years younger than I really am, I try to down play why I retired. There must be some thought of me being some trust-fund baby (far from it) or I struck it rich when I was in the investment business (not!).

I dislike the loneliness and the longing for companionship. I just have to keep working on me and maybe it will get better.

I totally understand where you're coming from, PJM. The online introduction/dating services didn't work for me at all, but hopefully you will have better results if you keep at it. I would also suggest expanding your Meetup activities to some new groups that are focused on "mixing and mingling", and also try joining some meetups focused on specific things you're interested in (hobbies, sports, book clubs, cooking, etc). The more groups you join and the more meetups you go to, the more (different) kinds of people you'll meet. Good luck!

 

[Hans]

The more groups you join and the more meetups you go to, the more (different) kinds of people you'll meet.

Obviously, you're a big fan of Meetup! As a long-time Meetup participant and organizer, I'll just say that, according to my experience and observation, your mileage may vary. Some people have a different take, e.g., from another thread about finding real friends:

My experience of joining manufactured groups (e.g. Meetups) to find a kindred spirit, has been dismal.

I think what Meetups are good for is to do the activity that's being presented. Beyond that, I'm not going to say whether it's "good" or "bad" for the purpose of making longer-lasting connections, because I think that has to do with individual predilections. Just like different financial investments may suit different people, different investments of time may suit different people. Everyone is free to discover that for themselves.

Since I asked people to post about their experiences, I'll share a little more about mine.

I spent some time living overseas. I found that there are cultural differences that can affect a person's outcomes in terms of meeting people. For example, I found that in China, people tend to meet people through people they know, and not so much by showing up at events and introducing themselves to strangers. I felt that this was more natural, for me personally. At the same time, I can understand that there are also people who prefer the other way.

That's just me. I have no idea what's right for another person!

 

[SecondCor521]

52M. Divorced 2006, FIREd 2016.

Generally speaking, I've oscillated between the Scylla of loneliness and wanting companionship and the Charybdis of the hard work and general heartache of searching for someone and all that entails.

I tallied it up once recently and figured I have gone on about 12 dates with 5 women since my divorce. The 12 may even be on the high side as some of those that I thought were dates were, as it turns out, probably not viewed as dates by the other person.

I've tried OKCupid and firedating.me. I've tried meetup.com - except the singles group there explicitly stated that it was not for dating purposes (?!). I've tried friends of friends. I've tried asking out a random stranger once, which actually led to multiple dates.

Most people say I look younger than my age. As far as the job question goes, I usually just say that I retired early. I appreciate women who are curious and open in general, so if they ask about it we have a conversation and I just explain that my parents taught me well and gave me a good head start in life, then I worked hard, saved and invested a bunch, and hit my number. (I would say that firedating.me has a distinct advantage here as the one woman I wrote back and forth with there was already on the same page about all that stuff.)

I said to a friend the other day that I think I'm finally at a place where I'm ready for relationships, I know the kind of person I am looking for, and I know more or less what to do when I find them. The hard part for me has been finding those people.