Single and post-FIRE: how's dating/relationships going for you?

[John Galt III]

When I was married, then DW complained one day about being stuck with certain housekeeping choirs. I gave her a hug and kiss looked affectionately into her eyes and offered to trade changing the oil in both cars for vacuuming and dusting. She did not accept the offer.

Ya, but you enjoy changing the oil, so of course it doesn't count, lol.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

There are a lot of people out there looking for a meal ticket in addition to a movie out, so I suspect that what you see is caution on their part. Early retirement like we have is very rare, joblessness is very common.

Reminds me of the days of being stationed in San Antonio (in the Air Force). On occasion, we would meander downtown for lunch. One afternoon, it appeared the we were being pursued (as we drove down the highway) and we were, by a bunch of rabid women! I assume they saw us all in flight suits and that got them...um...interested. I recall one of the fellas yelling, "DON'T STOP!! KEEP GOING!!! THEY ARE TRYING TO GET ON YOUR TRICARE (health insurance)"

I met my DW on match.com back in 2005. I dated quite a few "interesting" ladies before meeting my DW (who was the last candidate before I gave up in the online dating route). I tried to sign up for eharmony.com but was denied...something about "sometimes we can't find a good match, and that's OK." I assumed it was because of the stance of NO KIDS! NO KIDS EVER!

 

[teej1985]

52M. Divorced 2006, FIREd 2016.

Generally speaking, I've oscillated between the Scylla of loneliness and wanting companionship and the Charybdis of the hard work and general heartache of searching for someone and all that entails.

I tallied it up once recently and figured I have gone on about 12 dates with 5 women since my divorce. The 12 may even be on the high side as some of those that I thought were dates were, as it turns out, probably not viewed as dates by the other person.

I've tried OKCupid and firedating.me. I've tried meetup.com - except the singles group there explicitly stated that it was not for dating purposes (?!). I've tried friends of friends. I've tried asking out a random stranger once, which actually led to multiple dates.

Most people say I look younger than my age. As far as the job question goes, I usually just say that I retired early. I appreciate women who are curious and open in general, so if they ask about it we have a conversation and I just explain that my parents taught me well and gave me a good head start in life, then I worked hard, saved and invested a bunch, and hit my number. (I would say that firedating.me has a distinct advantage here as the one woman I wrote back and forth with there was already on the same page about all that stuff.)

I said to a friend the other day that I think I'm finally at a place where I'm ready for relationships, I know the kind of person I am looking for, and I know more or less what to do when I find them. The hard part for me has been finding those people.

How did you meet the random stranger that led to multiple dates?

 

[SecondCor521]

How did you meet the random stranger that led to multiple dates?

I was buying a book for my oldest son as a Christmas present at Barnes and Noble. I chit chatted with the cashier, who was really cute, not wearing a ring, and mentioned that her son also liked the kind of literature that I was buying (it was some JRR Tolkien book IIRC).

She seemed ever so slightly more friendly than necessary(*) and we had a long enough conversation to establish a few commonalities, so I called the store back later that day and asked if she remembered me (she had) and then if she wanted to have coffee. Things went from there.

(*) I think it's important for men to understand that women in many customer-facing roles are often friendly as part of their job requirements, and although it's easy to misconstrue the friendliness as flirting, it almost always isn't. I write this to point out that I'm now aware of this facet of life, although I had been confused about it in the past. In this particular case I took a risk that the conversation was a genuine connection rather than pro-forma cashiering. Since we went on several dates I figure I was right, although I concede I might not have been.

 

[imnontrad]

My kids are grown with kids of their own and I have been financially independent for years plus a military pension with the health benefits that come with it. But I do not live rich. I have participated in many Meetup groups, etc and tried online dating but I have not had a date in years.

 

[reneeh63]

Look at it from the woman's perspective. They are getting dozens of responses, if not a hundred a day (At least thats how it is where I live). They have to weed them out somehow. So as you said, often the first question asked is in regards to ones type of employment. As in cardiovascular surgeon = good, low paying job=disqualify him.

Once I figured out not to say "No job" and clarified why I don't work, about 90% of the time they continued the conversation.

Whether it's a good or bad thing, it ends up being no job no interest.

That's utter b.s. unless you're talking about women younger than 35... If older than that they only have men 20 or even 30 years older to select from.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

That's utter b.s. unless you're talking about women younger than 35... If older than that they only have men 20 or even 30 years older to select from.

Uh...coming in a little hot, aren't ya?

 

[reneeh63]

All the couple I know split the inside duties...or if one person does more inside the other person takes care of more outside stuff.

Most "outside stuff" is weekly or even less frequent while inside stuff can be continual.

 

[GaryInCO]

Age 64, divorced 2011. Still working, but only very part-time-ish, usually about 1/4 time. It keeps me busy and delays drawing on my retirement funds.

Divorce wasn't my idea. I loved my ex dearly in spite of all challenges, but over time she changed A LOT and decided I wasn't for her any more. I'm lonely and I sorely miss sharing my life with a loving partner.

Decades of self-employment (working at home) and being married to an introverted hermit means I don't have a big circle of friends. I've dated some over the years, had a few that got pretty serious but fell apart for various reasons.

My friends tell me I'm a helluva catch -- I'm tall, good shape, intelligent, considerate, good sense of humor, etc. I'm a pretty good cook and I work magic with chocolate. When I was married I did nearly all the cooking, housework, child care, etc. But most women who were interested in me, didn't interest me.

I think it's really frustrating to be "in the market." I've done the online dating thing, and I felt it was mostly a waste of time. I would spend hours scanning through profiles and crafting personalized responses, and maybe 5% or 10% would bother to respond even to say "no thanks." I know women get swamped on those sites, but it means it's a pretty frustrating exercise for the guy. There was a matchmaking service in town that was really great, and I met some nice women there, but then they suddenly shut down and vanished.

meetup was better. I made several good friends at a few meetup groups, and some near-miss dating situations.

But I haven't done ANYthing since Covid hit. I have cancer -- treated, doc says I'll die of old age -- but it kneecaps my resistance to Covid. I have to avoid most direct contact with people. That makes it tough to have ANY kind of social contact, let alone anything close.

Maybe once Covid clears up I can find someone, maybe a travel buddy, but for now I'm pretty much enforced single.

 

[athena53]

Uh...coming in a little hot, aren't ya?

Only a slightly-exaggerated description of my experience. I was 65, my face showed it (glasses, grey hair, a few frown lines), my body did NOT. I put a few pictures in from my travels so they knew I was (likely) financially solvent and an interesting conversationalist. They guys in my age group were consistently looking for 15-20 years younger and I'm guessing the ones who were looking in the same age group wanted arm candy. I'd rather spend my money on travel than on Botox and hair coloring.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I AM in a relationship now with someone I met on Match who was willing to consider women his own age.

 

[reneeh63]

Uh...coming in a little hot, aren't ya?

Not at all. Every time I see this "trope" that women are sitting back getting dozens of messages a day I have to refute it.

Now, what's happening is that the women who are 9+'s get dozens of messages...and a lot of them from the 5's, 6's, and 7's who OUGHT to be spreading the love a bit to all the women they'd likely have better chances with. But the top 10% of women (of course based entirely on looks) get 70% of responses. I don't need to hear it mansplained to me because I know from personal experience.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Talking about splitting housework. When my ex-husband and current husband dated me, I set the rules that "Since women don't mess up toilets so if they want to be with me, they have to do toilets." No problem with either of them. My ex-husband also spoiled me by doing all the laundry. Guess what, my current husband is now also stuck with doing all the laundry. LOL. I do all the cooking, vacuuming and dusting. My husband does majority of the clean-up after meal time and trash duty as well. I think we both feel that we are fairly even with household duties. Lawn and pool work are all done by outside vendors.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

That's utter b.s. unless you're talking about women younger than 35... If older than that they only have men 20 or even 30 years older to select from.

I live in Southern California where there is 10 million people who live in my county and 10 more million in the surrounding areas.

The younger women do get hundreds of messages. Daily. I talk to them about this all the time. They tell me they are going to delete their account because it is overwhelming.

The older women get far less messages. Doesn't mean they shouldn't keep trying.

And nothing about me is BS.

 

[folly]

Yes this is the new welfare. Old man fathers children. When he begins to collect social security his children get a check too, until they turn 18. This could cost the SS system a lot of money. I think the father should pay child support out of his SS benefits.
Just like when a parent dies their children get SS benefits until 18, I have no issue with this pgm.
I worked with a women who had two children with a older man and she collect through her minor children this way.

 

[Calico]

 

[tulak]

I wasn’t going to post, since I’m not FIRE, but decided I’d add my experience since the last posts were less than great and it’s be nice to keep this thread going.

I met a wonderful person on match. It does work, but takes time and a lot of luck. I also met great people on meetup. I think the key is to get out there and meet people. You don’t know where you will find someone. And all of these sites are good to meet people you normally wouldn’t encounter. It can work, but it takes time and a good amount of effort.

I’ve been with GF for about 1.5 years and we’re both on track to FIRE at some point. She’s in my age range and has younger kids. That was a requirement for me: kids and around the same age. For me it comes down to commonality. She knows I’m on track to retire sooner and that’s ok. She has her own plan. And even though I’m better off, we split all expenses, mostly travel, eating out, etc, since we don’t live together. So far it’s worked for us.

 

[Amethyst]

Men don't know their number. Lucky them!

Now, what's happening is that the women who are 9+'s get dozens of messages...and a lot of them from the 5's, 6's, and 7's .

 

[Mansderm]

Ive been single for over 10 years and pretty much given up on dating sites. As a fairly attractive, successful, intelligent woman, I was able to meet quite a few. Before retirement, I knew I wanted to buy a camper and travel across the country, hit all the national parks. So the overwhelming majority of guys I chose thought that was "crazy" saying flying and resorts only way to go. I bought my RV in 2018 and if not for COVID, I would have made more progress in living the dream, but I'm doing it.

I also always say, when I divorced, I got the tool box and I was happy. I am pretty handy around the house, due to my interest in how things work.saving money, and necessity. So it seems that is a problem. Some have found it very intimidating...saying "you don't really need me for anything" and others saying "you're great, I don't have to do anything." I would love "a partner" to experience the rest of my life with. But I feel like I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I will also never marry again. I see no reason to involve lawyers in my life again which marrying would require.

 

[scottpush]

I find dating in retirement to be confusing. Pretty much use the dating sites and have met many very nice ladies but never seems to be much of a 'click' between us. Maybe I'm picky and maybe they are also. I never found women to be in need of my $$ although I am fairly well off. Possible I sort them out subconsciously but I never run across them. I'm 62 and not bad looking but find dating anyone younger than 55 to be pretty much impossible. They don't respond. So I gave up and stick to near my age. They're all nice just haven't found the one to stay with yet.


As a side note I've always been attracted to foreign women. Married one once. But COVID took care of meeting anymore of them.

 

[Chuckanut]

Not at all. Every time I see this "trope" that women are sitting back getting dozens of messages a day I have to refute it.

Now, what's happening is that the women who are 9+'s get dozens of messages...and a lot of them from the 5's, 6's, and 7's who OUGHT to be spreading the love a bit to all the women they'd likely have better chances with. But the top 10% of women (of course based entirely on looks) get 70% of responses. I don't need to hear it mansplained to me because I know from personal experience.

I'm definitely not a 10. Nobody will mistake me for Peirce Brosnan's twin brother. But, I am financially independent (not rich), no addictions, and I bathe regularly. So, I'm a bit of a catch in the 5-8 range depending upon what she likes and doesn't like.

When I am at social gatherings, I have found that the 'stunners' leave one badly stunned, and wondering what happened, "how did the evening turn out so blah?" Better a more modest woman who dresses and carries herself well, but not to the point of being eye candy material. A guy can get pleasantly stunned when he finds that she is more than meets the eye. The evening ends with "Wow, she will see me again".

 

[John Galt III]

I find dating in retirement to be confusing. Pretty much use the dating sites and have met many very nice ladies but never seems to be much of a 'click' between us. Maybe I'm picky and maybe they are also. I never found women to be in need of my $$ although I am fairly well off. Possible I sort them out subconsciously but I never run across them. I'm 62 and not bad looking but find dating anyone younger than 55 to be pretty much impossible. They don't respond. So I gave up and stick to near my age. They're all nice just haven't found the one to stay with yet.


As a side note I've always been attracted to foreign women. Married one once. But COVID took care of that.

I don't use the sites because I need to feel the 'click' in person. I meet women at the senior center discussion group, and at outdoor concerts. I have met a few I have 'clicked' with, but haven't asked them out. Afraid of something, not sure what. Maybe of not being able to get out of the relationship, once I get in, lol.

 

[scottpush]

I don't use the sites because I need to feel the 'click' in person. I meet women at the senior center discussion group, and at outdoor concerts. I have met a few I have 'clicked' with, but haven't asked them out. Afraid of something, not sure what. Maybe of not being able to get out, once I get in, lol.

Good points.

 

[tmm99]

I'm not sure what this "click" thing people are talking about. Is that more of a visual thing or something else?

I met DH online (not a dating site, but more of a game site). It's kind of strange to say, but I don't think I would have dated him if I met him at work or at some other venues like meetups or social gatherings, because DH is just way too nice, modest and sincere (and sometimes a bit awkward) for my taste. I guess I didn't know myself until I met him, and the fact we chatted A LOT before meeting (sometimes with video but mostly over the phone) definitely helped me to be open to someone like him. So for me, not meeting in person for a very long time was a very important factor.

 

[scottpush]

I'm not sure what this "click" thing people are talking about. Is that more of a visual thing or something else?

I met DH online (not a dating site, but more of a game site). It's kind of strange to say, but I don't think I would have dated him if I met him at work or at some other venues like meetups or social gatherings, because DH is just way too nice, modest and sincere (and sometimes a bit awkward) for my taste. I guess I didn't know myself until I met him, and the fact we chatted A LOT before meeting (sometimes with video but mostly over the phone) definitely helped me to be open to someone like him. So for me, not meeting in person for a very long time was a very important factor.

Just slang for someone you don't think is a good match for you.

 

[Aerides]

I'm not sure what this "click" thing people are talking about. Is that more of a visual thing or something else?

Chemistry, etc. Haven't you ever had a date with someone, who checked all your boxes, but you just didn't feel any spark? You didn't click. Very simple.