Weddings for children - how much?

[Yipper]

I'm guessing many of you have adult children and you've helped pay for some weddings along the way.

DW and I have three adult daughters and two are currently engaged with the third likely getting engaged soon. We definitely budgeted for their weddings but don't believe in an open-ended expense account. DW and I are frugal in some things and less so in others but one area we both agree on is not overspending on something that is over in a day or so vs. longer term investments (like help with downpayments on a home or saving for grandchildren's college, etc.).

We've set aside (inflation adjusted) $50k per daughter for their weddings. Since they're all established, working and out of the house (31F, 30F, 25F) and making very good incomes, we feel this is more than enough. Unfortunately, the wishes of one of them well exceed this amount and it's difficult to navigate. We live in a HCOL and things aren't cheap but there have to be some limits of course.

Curious about other examples and experiences you all might be willing to share.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

We have one daughter, currently engaged. $50k makes me look like a cheapskate...

 

[street]

I would stick to the 50K you have set aside for each girl. If out on their own with a career I would sure want them to take on some of that cost.

We went through this 2.5 years ago and they paid for everything. The couple didn't want us to pay for anything.

 

[wearefinishedworking]

We did not pick up the tab for weddings. We have 3 children, and each got a gift of 10K to either add to a wedding budget or save for whatever else.

 

[Flyfish1]

I set it at $70K, they went a bit over and they paid for some extras out of their pocket as well as for their honeymoon. I think my second daughter will not spend that much, but time will tell when it's her turn. Meanwhile that money is sitting in SWVXX and growing nicely at 5%. Probably won't keep up with wedding inflation.

 

[Qs Laptop]

I don't have any daughters (two sons) so I don't have any experiences to add. However, I suggest you explain that you decided long ago that all three of your daughters would get the same budget and that it is fixed at $50K. (This seems generous to me, but I don't have any idea of today's costs.) It's only fair that you are consistent and not favor one over the others.

 

[aja8888]

Five years ago, DD got married and I paid for the wedding. It cost ~$30K and we had about 125 people at a rented wedding venue. I saved $15K by hiring all the subs (bartender, disc jockey, decorator, caterer,etc) and not using a wedding planner person. We also made all the invitations. Worked out just fine.

 

[Kings over Queens]

My opinion, 50K each is exceedingly generous.

What were doing? Undecided. 2 boys, 1 girl, and we envision her engagement in the next year or two. we've discussed the concept of big weddings (not fans) and have gone so far as to encourage elopement. we've also discussed a small gathering in our back yard (we have a very beautiful property), and fortunately she's of a similar mindset. Her friend is the middle of a prolonged engagement and wedding plan, and it's exhausting (to my daughter).

 

[Aerides]

Is there a reason that one daughter wants/needs more? Is her fiancé from a larger family, does she have many more friends than her sisters?

If it's because he has a large family, that's where it is totally reasonable to ask the other family what they'd be willing to add (ie, both sets of parents sit down and have a chat). That's what my parents did. We have a very small family here having immigrated when I was 12. Whereas my first wedding was to someone with a large local family. We were outnumbered 80/20.

If she has more friends, eh, maybe toss her a few g's more but only a token. And add it to the others - keep things even, don't rock the boat this early.

But if it's style, or just fancier? um...that's on her.

 

[MichaelB]

I think the expectation that the father of the bride pays the wedding is, at best, anachronistic, and a big expensive wedding is a poor way to start a life together, especially if that money is needed elsewhere, like a down payment on a house or paying student loans,

$50k is very generous in my opinion. If the couple are both professionals and want to spend some of their own money to celebrate on themselves, more power to them.

 

[Yipper]

We have one daughter, currently engaged. $50k makes me look like a cheapskate...

Yeah - i guess maybe there's a ton of variables in a wedding and location is a huge factor in costs.

 

[Yipper]

I don't have any daughters (two sons) so I don't have any experiences to add. However, I suggest you explain that you decided long ago that all three of your daughters would get the same budget and that it is fixed at $50K. (This seems generous to me, but I don't have any idea of today's costs.) It's only fair that you are consistent and not favor one over the others.

Totally agree with your "everything equal" thinking. Definitely don't want to do anything to drive wedges between siblings or us and any of them.

 

[Yipper]

Is there a reason that one daughter wants/needs more? Is her fiancé from a larger family, does she have many more friends than her sisters?

If it's because he has a large family, that's where it is totally reasonable to ask the other family what they'd be willing to add (ie, both sets of parents sit down and have a chat). That's what my parents did. We have a very small family here having immigrated when I was 12. Whereas my first wedding was to someone with a large local family. We were outnumbered 80/20.

If she has more friends, eh, maybe toss her a few g's more but only a token. And add it to the others - keep things even, don't rock the boat this early.

But if it's style, or just fancier? um...that's on her.

Great questions. The oldest (31F) makes considerable income as a software engineer in CA (as does her fiancé) so they were fine with my budget and they will be covering the remainder of what they spend along with some contribution from his family. The youngest (25F) and her fiancé are obviously several years behind in their careers and they aren't on the same trajectory due to career choices so that along with desired location is driving costs up over what I have budgeted along with their ability to contribute.

Likely to be an equal number of attendees from both families.

D1 is in LA area so costs!!!!! and D3 is in NY area so costs!!!!!

 

[Aerides]

If the weddings are practically the same size and venue "quality" etc., and the difference is mostly a matter of location - AND! the location is where they live (not a fan myself of destination weddings - then I can see being flexible, a bit.

IE, if $50k in LA gets you ABC wedding, but the same ABC wedding in NY is $60k, then, having already agreed to these aspects of a wedding, I might be thinking about a bit of a stretch. As long as it's not "well I want silver plated invites and my dress is going to be $10k not $5k, and we really want 200 friends not 30" - the price isn't being driven by desires and extras, but a default of location?

25 and engaged is also young enough to say, well, you want more, wait, earn it, fund it. You want it now, this is the budget.

 

[target2019]

We have one daughter, currently engaged. $50k makes me look like a cheapskate...

Depends on the market I'd think.

We were thinking 50k, but daughter and husband wanted to spend more, like a large band. Between extra guests, weekend at the venue, and other extras, it cost 70-75k. They and M-I-L kicked in.

Like MichaelB mentioned, there are varying opinions on this.

 

[Surewhitey]

Call me overly practical, but if they planned a single day for all the weddings, $150k would go a long way.

We gave them a budget and offered the leftover as a gift. They basically paid for the wedding and honeymoon by being frugal. 150 people, his family were all very talented and chipped in their skills in flowers, cake, dress mods (modified a friend's) & photography.

 

[aja8888]

Just remember to tell the young couples that future divorce costs are on them. And children (with little ones or alone) returning to the "nest" will have to pay rent. (this happens, believe me)

 

[Jerry1]

I got off cheap. Just over 10 years ago both daughters got married (one year apart). They both used the same venue, etc. I think we paid between $10-$15K all in. Double that for inflation and I’d probably be looking at something around $25K. Of course, that’s in a low to medium cost area.

Personally, I think setting a budget is the best option. Your budget seems reasonable even for a high cost area. If they want more, I’d leave that up to them to either kick in the difference or approach the grooms family for a contribution.

Of course this is a personal matter but I’m no fan of big expensive weddings. It’s one day in the life and it’s just been blown way out of proportion (imho). I’d rather give them the money for a house or starting a savings plan, etc.

 

[MarieIG]

We only had sons. We did contribute but not in the 50k range. I think that's more than generous, and I would politely but firmly tell DD that, and explain to her that if she wants to spend more, she and her fiancée are going to have to come up with the money.

 

[Chuckanut]

My advice is to write them a check for 50K. Tell them if they have anything left over from the wedding, they can keep it and use it for whatever they want. If they spend more, that’s on them.

You are wise to have put aside an equal amount for each child. It’s never good to play favorites.

If you want to spend more money do it to celebrate their 5th anniversary, and spend more for the 10th. Throw a big bash for the 25th. They will most likely deserve it.

Just my opinion, but big bashes made sense to me in the old days in cultures when the father literally did give his daughter away to another man for her future care and welfare. She was joining another family. We are far from that today.

 

[marko]

Our niece and her hubby hang out with a very expensive crowd. They travel around the world to go to about 15 'destination' weddings a year and were expected to invite just about everyone to theirs. Each trying to out-do the other.

Theirs included a bachelor party in Jamaica for him, Paris for her, renting an entire bowling alley and nightclub for the night before, 14 bridesmaids and groomsmen (with about $1K worth of gifts for each of them) and about 400 guests.

DW and I really couldn't understand it. The wedding easily ran about $250K and frankly, it wasn't all that much fun. You could say that it wasn't a waste of money because they paid for most of it themselves and can afford it, but still.... so much of what they did at the wedding was really stupid and mainly for the photo opps on FB.

 

[Sunset]

OP - At $50K , I have to say you are extremely generous. That's a lot of money to spend on a party.

I'd keep the amounts fair to each, if these folks think they need more, then since they are working they can spend their own $$$ to top up the amount. It's very easy to spend free money, but if they want to spend more they will appreciate the $50K when they feel the cost of spending their own money.

 

[pacergal]

I think $50k is enough for a nice wedding, no matter where you live. A more expensive city might mean a smaller wedding.
I was surprised, though, at DD wedding 7 years ago, how many "incidentals" added up!
I have seen a few articles trending on smaller weddings and couples not going all out. Good for them!

 

[iloveyoga]

I know I am an outlier, my sons were both married 20 years ago. We paid for modest rehearsal dinners and the tux rentals and did $1000 gift as a gift. We have definitely helped along the way (modestly) since then.

 

[CardsFan]

My advice is to write them a check for 50K. Tell them if they have anything left over from the wedding, they can keep it and use it for whatever they want. If they spend more, that’s on them.

+1.

$50k each is more than generous.

We only have one son. When he got married they were both in their 30's with well paying jobs in Chicago. Her parents could not afford to pay for a wedding, so they did it themselves. They did not ask us for anything to help. I think they came in just under $30k (in 2021). We gave them $10k for a present, and then threw another party in the STL area for family and friends that could not make it to Chicago. That party cost around $6k for about 110 people and was well worth it.