Wedding Gift when not invited?

[gayl]

My sister has just informed me that my nephew is marrying his longtime girlfriend (they have 2 kids in common) next June. No one is invited. What is the customary gift? I asked if they have a favorite family restaurant and she suggested that I gift bicycles as they like that. (Seriously?!? My son's bikes are a lot more than a family dinner)

Do I gift or just a congratulatory card??

 

[njhowie]

I would send a $50 or $100 Amazon gift card depending how close we were.

 

[Dash man]

My sister has just informed me that my nephew is marrying his longtime girlfriend (they have 2 kids in common) next June. No one is invited. What is the customary gift? I asked if they have a favorite family restaurant and she suggested that I gift bicycles as they like that. (Seriously?!? My son's bikes are a lot more than a family dinner)

Do I gift or just a congratulatory card??

Donate some money to your favorite charity in their honor.

 

[Aerides]

June is a long enough way off. I would wait until your nephew lets you know, and then ask him what you can gift to the happy couple to commemorate the occasion.

 

[Gumby]

I have always understood that there is no expectation of a gift if you are not invited to the wedding. Among other considerations, it may make the couple feel guilty that they didn't invite you. That said, if you just want to give them an unexpected gift to mark a special day in their lives, you certainly can.

As for the amount of gift, I guess it would depend on how close you are to your nephew and your financial wherewithal. I think a gift card to a nice restaurant would be a splendid idea.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, sounds more like an elopement than a wedding. Don't worry about it.

 

[brett]

We do $250 for nieces and nephews. Invited or not. Either requested gift or cash. I like the latter....cash is king!

We passed on most of their recent weddings since we are not close to any of them any more and live 2500 miles away.

For the last one I advised to DW to wait until AFTER the wedding. Good job, the whole thing fell through a week prior.

More when it was the daughter of a very close family friend.

Just do what you think is appropriate and what you feel you can afford.

 

[Golden sunsets]

We do $250 for nieces and nephews. Invited or not. Either requested gift or cash. I like the latter....cash is king!

We passed on most of their recent weddings since we are not close to any of them any more and live 2500 miles away.

For the last one I advised to DW to wait until AFTER the wedding. Good job, the whole thing fell through a week prior.

More when it was the daughter of a very close family friend.

Just do what you think is appropriate and what you feel you can afford.

I agree with these sentiments but if there is no expensive reception that the family has to pay for, I think the gift can be less.

 

[Sunset]

June is a long enough way off. I would wait until your nephew lets you know, and then ask him what you can gift to the happy couple to commemorate the occasion.

+1

OP may have been told by a person that likes to look like they are connected and in the know about everything... so of course they spread the word before that knowledge becomes old.

I wouldn't expect an invite sooner than 4 months from the date, so next year.

 

[athena53]

As for the amount of gift, I guess it would depend on how close you are to your nephew and your financial wherewithal. I think a gift card to a nice restaurant would be a splendid idea.

That's my feeling, especially if they're having a small wedding. I also tend to give a little more if I feel like they're just starting out and could use some extra. If they're trying to keep costs down by keeping the guest list small, that shows admirable restraint.

 

[Aerides]

The title of this post is a bit misleading too. If there were a party and you weren't invited, you ignore the whole thing unless you're very kind.

It's not that you aren't invited (which implies snubbed), it's that there's no "wedding" in the sense of an event with invites at all. They are presumably having a small officiated city hall kind of thing (in which case...why wait?) or going to Vegas (in which case, maybe it won't happen).

Either way, wait until the nephew tells you, or a card of some sort arrives, or something other than his mom telling you.

 

[gayl]

The title of this post is a bit misleading too. If there were a party and you weren't invited, you ignore the whole thing unless you're very kind.

It's not that you aren't invited (which implies snubbed), it's that there's no "wedding" in the sense of an event with invites at all. They are presumably having a small officiated city hall kind of thing (in which case...why wait?) or going to Vegas (in which case, maybe it won't happen).

Either way, wait until the nephew tells you, or a card of some sort arrives, or something other than his mom telling you.

Yeah. I wasn't sure how to title it. They picked that date so that it would correspond with end of school year and my sister told me. Just nephew / her / 2 kids/ 2 sets of parents / his brother. Sounding a lot like signing papers with clerk.

 

[street]

Donate some money to your favorite charity in their honor.

Yes that is what I would do also.

 

[travelover]

........ (they have 2 kids in common) .........

Some birth control devices.

 

[Montecfo]

Some birth control devices.

That gave me a very big laugh.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Gift card.

 

[RetireeRobert]

Would not worry about it until maybe next April or May. If things are still on by then, perhaps bride-to-be will have registered gift preferences with some stores. Or otherwise made known gift preferences. If not, widely useable flexible gift card (such as Amazon) is good.

 

[jollystomper]

A lot depends on what your current and hoped for future relationship will be with the married couple.

We had a similar situation of a nephew who got married. They had a small wedding as both of their parents disapproved on racial grounds. SIL was so upset she never mentioned it to us until we were at a niece's wedding a couple of months later. The niece (nephew's sister) essentially forced her parents to invite nephew and wife to her wedding.

Our standard gift for a niece/nephew marriage is $1,000, and this nephew was never a problem for us, always polite, thanked iust in the past when we sent birthday/Christmas gifts, etc. So we sent him and his wife a congratulations card with a check for $1,000. TO say they were overwhelmed was an understatement. We were able to give them solicited personal finance advice, as one of their first questions when they called to thank us was "we don't know what to do with this money!"

We have also given cash gifts to several of our kids friends who grew up with them, particularly the ones who overcame difficult circumstances. For example, last year with the pandemic one woman got married, she had moved far away and we were not invited. The wedding was limited due to the pandemic, and we would not have been invited if it had not been, but this woman had been a great kid growing up and was always friendly and kind to us, so we sent $500. I admit I enjoy making folks cry for good reasons .

Our attitude is, many of the young people we know who are starting out in married life these days have enough things to deal with. We are not going to let the lack of an invite to a wedding dictate whether or not we give them a gift.

 

[pacergal]

If you are close to this nephew and want to send a gift, then do so, in whatever amount you feel appropriate. ( a bike would be a bit too much for my blood, though!)
I do not believe in "gifting" just because or out of guilt.

 

[Sue J]

A few years ago....

DHs sister announces that her son and his longtime girlfriend are engaged. A date is announced and we plan a trip including flights and AirBnB. I'm invited to the bridal shower and send an Amazon gift card and I received a nice thank you note.

One month before wedding we get an email from DHs sister, the wedding may not happen, bride's mother is causing all sorts of issues, yada yada.

So we went anyways because it's all in the area where DHs mom and 2 sisters live and we already had plane tickets. DHs sister says the wedding plans are not to be mentioned, it's a very sore subject!

We made the trip, got to see everyone including the "bride and groom" and no one mentioned marriages/weddings/future plans.

Three weeks later the couple got a marriage license and self solemnized their marriage at a park, just the two of them. The dog was their witness. This is legal in their state.

I thought I'd send a gift because he's FAMILY and I'm happy for them. So I sent a check, which got cashed, but I never got a thank you note or any acknowledgement.

So, no more gifts from me!

To the OP, give a gift if you feel it in your heart that you want to, because he's family and you're happy for him. Everyone can use an Amazon gift card or cash. Or maybe a gift card to a bike catalog company where they can use it for bike accessories. As for what's customary in your situation, $50-$250 value sounds reasonable. Are you very close with the nephew?

One more thing. If no one is invited, why are they waiting until next June?

 

[brett]

Bottom line for us....often we are just as happy NOT to be invited. We turned down the last three, including one next month. Not worth the travel expense and bother for us.

It makes no difference to the value of our gift whether we are invited or not.

Our daughter's wedding was in a resort in Mexico. We specifically told guests that gifts were not expected. They had been together for five years prior to the wedding.

 

[youbet]

I have always understood that there is no expectation of a gift if you are not invited to the wedding. Among other considerations, it may make the couple feel guilty that they didn't invite you. That said, if you just want to give them an unexpected gift to mark a special day in their lives, you certainly can.

As for the amount of gift, I guess it would depend on how close you are to your nephew and your financial wherewithal. I think a gift card to a nice restaurant would be a splendid idea.

This situation sounds a bit different than "not being invited." In this case OP said no one is being invited as opposed to there being a wedding ceremony and OP is being excluded while others are being invited. Sounds like the couple is just going to make things official by having the paperwork filed and go on with life. They're a long-time couple, already living together and even have a couple of rug-rats.

If he were my nephew and I had any sort of positive relationship with him, I'd send a nice gift and encouragement for him and his family to stay in touch. There's certainly no obligation, but that's what I'd do.

BTW, DW and I eloped 51 years ago. Not exactly the same as OP's nephew's situation, but still a wedding with no guests. We have large families on both sides and, un-requested or hinted for, gifts poured in when word got out. Everyone seemed to be happy for us even if we chose to avoid the formality of a traditional ceremony. And our parents had always been generous with wedding gifts to extended family so I suppose there was some reciprocation motive too.

But again, big difference between "no one is invited" and "everyone will be there but you."

 

[gayl]

One more thing. If no one is invited, why are they waiting until next June?

You're right!! I think that's the equally confusing part. They live near her parents and my sister / BIL are often there ..... I'm missing something

 

[gayl]

One more thing. If no one is invited, why are they waiting until next June?

You're right!! I think that's the equally confusing part. They live near her parents and my sister / BIL are often there ..... I'm missing something

Ok. Egg on my face.

... big difference between "no one is invited" and "everyone will be there but you."

Had an hour long chat with my sister. It's a real wedding. But my siblings / siblings families / me & mine aren't invited. So makes gift giving easy. I enrolled his kids in PJLibrary and another book service so they'd each get 2 somethings each month (he asked for help building a library on the baby registries). That'll continue on PJLibrary for the kids. But no wedding gift.

Am I a A××hole?

 

[Gumby]

Nope. You're completely in the clear.