Family Traditions That Fade Away

[jrcunniff]

I was visiting my parents (in their early 80s) this weekend, and overheard them discussing plans for Easter. Among the plans were (1) ordering plants for family gravesites, and (2) scheduling masses to celebrate late family members.

It occurred to me that, with my siblings and me located at least an hour away from where our family lives/where we grew up, we don’t really visit family graves. We don’t arrange for flowers at the gravesites, and we don’t schedule masses for our grandparents, aunts, or uncles.

Maybe some of this will change when my parents pass? I don’t know. But it’s made me think of other traditions that have (or will) fall by the wayside.

Are there traditions that you and your family have let fade? Or maybe traditions you took on after family members passed because you felt they were important enough to continue?

 

[Sunset]

Oyster soup for Christmas dinner..... Even making Christmas dinner is gone... now we order out. Who wants to cook all day, and then clean up afterwards.

Buying a grave site.
My parents did this, lucky for them they stayed long enough to die there.
The idea of buying a grave site, is now becoming silly due to the mobility of the workforce and people.
Had I bought one in my old town, it would be very expensive to ship me back.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, I think it cost $700 to air freight Pops back to Detroit to be planted next to Ma.

 

[Time2]

As a kid my dad's family had a family reunion every year, after grandma died there were a few, but no longer. Besides the Reunion, all 6 of grandma's kids and their kids came to grandma's for Christmas. My uncle played Santa and passed out the gifts to the kids.
On the other side of the family we always visited grave sites and put down flowers. All that was 50 years ago.

 

[Venturer]

The family lunch/dinners. My maternal grandmother had dinner every Sunday after church, in her 4 room 1bath house. Most days there would be at least 15 and often times up to 30 to 40 folks attending. As the grands got married and started having great grands it just kept growing + the fact that she would occasionally invite the pastor's family home too. As she got older the younger folks started bringing dishes and the crowds lessened but still we would plan and have a reunion once a year. After she passed some of us tried to keep the reunion alive but sadly somewhere around 10 to 12 yrs. ago it died it's own death. I miss those days of getting together with cousins and friends. As far as the gravesites, my wife and I still go and change out the flowers on both sets of parents as well as my grandparents. She never knew either of her grandparents and they are in another state. We are in a different town but still only 30 miles from where our parents are buried.

 

[PaunchyPirate]

Family Reunions. One side of my family used to have a big picnic every June that typically had about 150 people attend. This would be back in the 60's and 70's. Over the years, it has dwindled to about 25 people and it's really just my immediate family plus a few others. My mother, age 83, is the family matriarch now. When she passes, I suspect we will stop having the reunion at all.

 

[Gumby]

I grew up in a peripatetic, irregular and uncertain household, and never lived near any other relatives, so we had no family traditions when I was young. Then I joined the Navy at 18 and moved away, never to return. I guess I was always a little jealous of those who did have traditions and upheld them.

The young wife and I have no children, so we really haven't developed family traditions of our own. And we live far from any other family members. There are a few regular things we do, but they are unique to the two of us, and when we go, they'll go with us.

 

[nap470]

My wife still changes out the flowers on her parents grave 2-3 times per year. I do not live close to where my father is buried and my mother is still alive. My wife still carries on her mother's Lithuanian Christmas Eve tradition of meatless meal and sharing of the blessed bread (wafer).

When I was growing up on the family farm, my father was very insistent that the cattle and other livestock were freshly bedded down with new straw and extra hay on Christmas Eve. He said that the angels visited farm animals on Christmas Eve because they were present the night of Jesus' birth. He also said the animals were given the gift of human speech that one night of the year. As a small boy I would sneak down at midnight to listen. Never did hear them, but my father always had a great explanation as to why I couldn't hear them. Great memories.

We also had great family reunions when I was younger but have now died off. My mother at 90 is the matriarch for her side. Some of the cousins have tried to revitalize it but they turned it into more of a formal event which my mother does not even like to attend.

 

[disneysteve]

Grave-related things for sure. My mom would go to visit everyone's graves on their birthdays or anniversaries or mother's day or anniversaries of their death or whatever. My generation (I'm 56) doesn't do this at all. I'd have to do some legwork to even be sure which cemetery my father and brother are buried at. I have a general idea.


Family gatherings have also faded away. I grew up with much of my extended family living close by. I had 3 aunts and uncles (and associated cousins) living within 3 blocks of my house. I would ride my bike or walk to their houses and hang out, or stop there on my way home from school. Numerous others family members lived in the same town, within 30 minutes. So we were always together, always at each other's houses, vacationing together, etc. Today, my family is literally scattered all over the country and even some folks in other countries. We hardly ever see anyone. I'm sad that my daughter hasn't grown up with those family connections. She has numerous cousins she's never even met.

 

[ponyboy]

Family reunions

Grave sites like others said

Going to church on xmas eve.

Maybe not so much a family thing, but baptizing babies is something most people did, but fewer do now. Our friends didnt, we didnt. I wasnt letting someone put tap water on my kids head.

Im guessing after this whole covid thing, less people are going to get together for major holidays. People finally realized that its stressful traveling during peak holidays. Easier to see people when it isnt chaos in the airports.

 

[pacergal]

Family reunions. My siblings and I have traveled every few years to see a few who are still in the old homesite area of parents/grandparents. Covid stopped our one last year, and I am not planning to return again soon. I would really like some reciprocality and not be the only one who goes there and they don't come here, even though many of them post pictures of their travels all over on FB.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Probably Christmas. When I was a kid, Christmas eve was always a crazy affair. Big ham dinner, a special gift (but just ONE!) for everyone and the kids watching the TV to see the live NORAD reports about Santa's whereabouts. Christmas day wasn't as crazy and the memories aren't nearly as vivid.

These days (outside of COVID), we spend Christmas with my in-laws. We usually go down on Christmas Eve and stay a couple of days. No real traditions there as we have done something a little different each year.

Family gravesites is something we didn't do since we lived so far away from the family plots. The last two trips I took with my Dad were going back to his hometown which included visiting many of the graves (no flowers, though) and watching him tell stories of yesteryear to the "new folks" that live in the town. We also visited the orphanage where he was raised and that was quite the trip. Sadly, since he has passed, I don't know of any occasion to visit the old town (both parents were cremated, so no interment in the home town).

 

[Souschef]

Oyster soup for Christmas dinner..... Even making Christmas dinner is gone... now we order out. Who wants to cook all day, and then clean up afterwards.

Buying a grave site.
My parents did this, lucky for them they stayed long enough to die there.
The idea of buying a grave site, is now becoming silly due to the mobility of the workforce and people.
Had I bought one in my old town, it would be very expensive to ship me back.

This struck a chord with me. My family has a family plot in New Jersey, and I live on the West Coast. I plan to be cremated and scattered at sea near where my late wife was scattered.
As far as expense, my late wife's parents had a family plot in Pittsburgh. I called the cemetery to find out the cost of interring her ashes there. By the time they quoted me the urn, the vault, uncovering and covering, it was about $1200!

 

[rodi]

I didn't grow up with the gravesite thing. My side of the family has been cremated/scattered. Parents and maternal grandparents all donated bodies to local medical school. So memorial services rather than funerals with the casket/graveside thing. Hubby is Catholic and his family does do the viewing/funeral/graveside service... and does flowers at the graveside for key holidays and masses for those gone.

I had a friend who worked for a florist in the Philly area. He said his delivery people did their best to get the flowers to the right graveside - but were on time schedules. He'd sometimes find flowers for a different person at the grave he was delivering to - and occasionally he left the flowers at a different grave after looking for 20 minutes or more. He advised NOT to have flowers delivered... to bring them in person. If you have a van full of flowers to deliver you can only allot so much time to find the specific grave.

Family traditions we have kept: (Outside of covid) Getting together with cousins at Thanksgiving. Husband's family tradition of 7 fishes on Christmas Eve.

As for shipping bodies... FIL's body was shipped from Kentucky to Philly. The transport wasn't expensive.... but there where mortuary costs in Kentucky AND Philly - so it doubled those costs. But the plot had been pre-purchased. When MIL dies she'll be shipped from Michigan to Philly to be buried next to her husband.

 

[Koolau]

Wow, I could get sad just thinking about all the traditions that have gone by the wayside since my youth. Grandparents used to host a Thanksgiving get-together at the little church (in the little village) where mom grew up. All the aunts and uncles, cousins, second cousins, in-laws and outlaws were there. When grandparents were gone, the whole thing died. Once or twice mom's brothers and sister got together, but that died as well.

DW's last uncle used to host a get together around his mom's birthday. Even when she passed, he continued the tradition, even though he was 2000 miles from most of the attendees. The last one was a just a few years ago before Uncle W passed at 94 (the stories he could tell about his 35 missions in the 8th Army Air force were harrowing.)

We did grand-parent visits, aunt-and-uncle visits, grave decoration, Mayday baskets, Christmas eve church service, Easter service, etc. etc. I guess about the only thing DW and I still do is Christmas Eve and we had to do that on-line this past Dec.

We occasionally get to the mausoleum where both sets of parents are buried, but, of course, the kids are scattered, so they never go. We hope to have our ashes scattered over the pet cemetery locally, so no one will even know we ever existed.

Yes, the family traditions have faded and few have taken their place. I don't know if that's a factor of changing times or changing people. I do miss the traditions but perhaps not enough to establish new ones. YMMV

 

[ncbill]

Big family reunions on dad's side...long gone.

For decades after the above was replaced by holiday get togethers at grandparents' homes, but tno more grandparents, so no more extended family get-togethers, period.

Soon enough, my remaining parent and wife's parents will be gone as well.

 

[cbo111]

My family reunions have unfortunately been replaced by funerals. That is when I see extended family (uncles, aunts , cousins..) and ponder just how much older they all look. Funny, since I really haven't aged at all

 

[Amethyst]

My dad's ashes were put (per a last request) in our garden in the house in MD we sold 2 years ago. He admired our gardens so much.

How's about I show up on the doorstep one day "Oh, just wanted to visit my dad in the back yard."

 

[Dtail]

Holiday gatherings have tapered off, even before Covid.

 

[albireo13]

I lost both parents this past year and it is just hitting me how much I miss the family traditions they had fostered and we had going as I grew up ...
Thanksgiving dinner together, Christmas Eve with dinner and church service,
random picnics together ... just fun stuff that brought us together.
With Covid this year I have felt very disconnected from my adult children,
and that has accentuated the value of family traditions.

 

[bluelight]

I guess mine are a little different. I grew up in NYC with family close by and the big Italian holiday meals. We moved away when I was 6 and then my mother died when I was 10. At that point our participation in family traditions and visiting the grave ended.

About 20 years ago I started a new tradition without meaning to, a cousins' reunion weekend between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's grown larger every year with family coming from out of state. We all missed it in 2020.

I haven't been to visit the family graves in years, but my husband and I have discussed purchasing a plot in a graveyard near our new home. Even if no one comes to visit, it will give me a sense of peace to have one.

 

[6miths]

We still have 'big' family dinners with our mom and my sisters and all of the kids but that is still small compared to the big Christmas dinner that my maternal aunt used to have on the farm every year. Her mom, my maternal grandmother had 6 children all of whom had at least 3 kids and up to 6 whereas DW and I have 4 but sisters have 2 and 1 so nowhere near the crowd. We still do Easter and Thanksgiving as well. Also used to have a Family Euchre party three weeks before Christmas usually with about 50 participants but that stopped a couple years after my uncle passed as he was the prime motivator.

We still also do a big spaghetti and meatball dinner every Saturday with our kids and their SOs except in the summer when barbecue is more likely.

I have never been to any of the family grave sites. I don't even know where they are. AFAIK since my grandparents everyone has been cremated and had their ashes scattered in their favourite places.

 

[Sangiovese]

My sister and I are both grandparents and we take turns hosting Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. Between us, our kids and our grandkids, plus other extended family, we're up to about 35 people each holiday. This is a big job for the host and a very awkward set-up with people scattered in the living room, dining room, kitchen, hallway and anywhere they can fit. With COVID, we each kept to our own immediate families last year. A part of me missed seeing everybody, but I have to admit the holidays were much more relaxing. And we finally had an excuse to drop the gift exchanges among the 35 of us, which was getting out of hand. I hope that particular tradition will finally be gone for good.

 

[audreyh1]

Made me realize that we do have some strong family traditions. Christmas Eve with tamales and chili has been going on for decades.

But now DF has passed, and no get together last Christmas, and DH and I are low carb so skipped the tamales. And I really don’t have any idea what will happen next Christmas or where we’ll be.....

 

[jrcunniff]

Family gravesites is something we didn't do since we lived so far away from the family plots. The last two trips I took with my Dad were going back to his hometown which included visiting many of the graves (no flowers, though) and watching him tell stories of yesteryear to the "new folks" that live in the town. We also visited the orphanage where he was raised and that was quite the trip. Sadly, since he has passed, I don't know of any occasion to visit the old town (both parents were cremated, so no interment in the home town).

This always breaks my heart a bit when I think about it, the fact that once my parents pass, I’ll probably never return to the hometown.

My parents were both born and raised there, and have owned the same house for nearly 60 years. Growing up, I had grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and friends all there, and it’s where I lived for my first 22 years. But most of the family has died, my siblings (and I) have moved away, and friends have either moved or - if they’re still in town - lost touch. Probably about 120-130 years of our family history there, but soon nothing will remain. It will feel really strange when I no longer have a reason to go back.