Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

[Mindy]

Life is simply too short. I believe that you are very young and you should definitely move on with your life.

Don't even think twice about accepting any bs from this man.

I think that this was a chapter in your life that you experienced and you need to move on.

Too many people dwell too much on things that should not matter.

Everyone and everything in life are replaceable. I am referring to a man In your life.

If you feel that you need to go to counseling to grieve n move on them do so. I hope you are strong enough to move on . Down the road you will meet new people and who knows be happier than you were with your current spouse.

Good Luck.
Mindy

 

[veremchuka]

I am sorry, this is a terrible blow to you.

Look I'm going to be blunt. First, I doubt this is the 1st time he has done this, it is the 1st time you know about it. Second, don't believe or trust him again. Don't forgive, you will find yourself back in this same boat be it 5 years or 20 years from now. Third, this fling will burn it self out soon, both of them are untrustworthy people to do this and they will not trust each other, self destruction is imminent of that you can be sure. Forth, don't be friends ie have contact, he wants to keep 1 foot in that door. Slam it shut.

Good luck.

 

[FreeAtLast]

So sorry to hear the bad news. I would get an attorney and get some counseling.

 

[Tif7]

Sorry to hear this.

I know I will come out just fine.

Always remember that.

T

 

[Major Tom]

He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

Not only is he a freeloader, but from what you've said above, his behavior sounds manipulative. Whether or not his paying you the money back allows you to not work as hard has absolutely nothing to do with it. The point is that he owes you that money. I know you already know this, but I guess I'm just venting a bit. People who don't face up to their financial obligations to others bug the heck out of me. I agree with everyone who says you should find a lawyer. Don't let him get away with this.

 

[powerplay]

I am so sorry you are going through this especially this time of year. Hang in there and seek out a good lawyer. You will get through this and keep your eyes on the prize of ER.

 

[haha]

I thought I hit the jackpot with him, and I'm not sure how he managed to fool me for so long.

Thanks again!

You know, he probably was not fooling you. He is just temporarily insane.

As you know doctors are attractive to women for all sorts of reasons, not least of which is that they make a high, secure living.

Someone came along and made him feel like the big strong man. She may even have planned a campaign of seduction.

OTOH, he knows that you have supported him for years. He may even be harboring shame about this.

Good luck, and my counsel would be to pay attention to your feelings, and try to proceed with compassion and understanding even though it is impossible not to be hurt and angry.

Ha

 

[Wrirya]

Get a good attorney

That being said do not give up on allimony, if you pit him throughout school you deserve it. I have an attorney friend that got divorced before he completed law Scholle, the court ( rightly so) awarded his ex alimony as if he was a practicing attorney. My mom just went though a long nasty divorce, my advice this is going to be a 2 year process, try and settle but don't give the farm away. I am very sorry to hear what happened.

 

[Animorph]

Fight for what's owed you, including some of that future salary. He's definately crazy.

 

[sheehs1]

Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

And now, 6 months away from making a doctor's salary, and with me losing my job in March, he pulls this. He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

It's like aliens have invaded his brain. This is not the man I've known for so long.

We did go to counseling once, but his mind is made up to divorce, and at this point, I wouldn't take him back. They're off looking at apartments to sublet right now so he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

toofrugal -- I do have a ton of support, both in real life and online, which has been very helpful. He has no friends and no family, just his new girlfriend. I can't even really be angry with him because I pity him too much.

everyone else -- thanks for the kind wishes. I know I will get through this and be stronger for it.

Am so sorry Marathoner. Haven't gotten all the way thru the thread yet but will. This post stopped me as I wanted to make a comment. He may have to pay you alimony....if that is what you would like. You supported him while he pursued his medical degree. Unless things have changed, that was an investment towards your future together. Get a good lawyer.
This happened to a friend of mine. Granted it was a long time ago. She put her husband thru med school too. She was able to get alimony by the courts.

If you are able to...get busy...trying to recreate the finances for the last 10 years, what you paid for the two of you to live and his tuition. The fact that you have been laid off is also reason for that very good lawyer you hire to call an emergency hearing to get you emergency support right now. Should be done immediately. That should throw some cold realty into the situation.

 

[Brat]

Now get yourself a good lawyer, and sue the bastard for all he's (going to be) worth.

Agreed. Start reconstructing the financials ASAP.

IMHO this gal doesn't realize that a man who will step out on his current wife will do that to her too.

 

[sheehs1]

Let us know if you need ideas for reconstructing those finances.
Bank Statements from all banks...Order copies if you have thrown away.
Credit Card Statements (same)
Med School accounting department for copies of tuition charges . Match with copies of cancelled checks.
If you own any property, get tax records and home insurance you paid.
Trips the two of you took that you paid or partially paid
Anything you bought for him that was not a gift.

You will have to prove you paid. Source of funds is important.

Again, so sorry...but spend your time protecting yourself and fighting for what you deserve...if you can.

 

[haha]

I feel bad about this situation. At the same time, some responses on this thread make me sooo glad that I am not married.

 

[veremchuka]

IMHO this gal doesn't realize that a man who will step out on his current wife will do that to her too.

Or a woman that would steal another woman's husband would do it again. They deserve each other.

 

[chris2008]

Before he moves out, please make sure that you have copies of all financial documents (esp. re the student loan and those sheesh1 mentioned) copied and stored out of the house, maybe in a sealed envelope at one on YOUR friends.
Just in case.

 

[Nemo2]

As you know doctors are attractive to women for all sorts of reasons, not least of which is that they make a high, secure living.

Someone came along and made him feel like the big strong man. She may even have planned a campaign of seduction.

I know of a doctor who married a woman who did just that - wife number two then continued to work in his practice....she knew how the game was played and was about to make damn sure there wasn't going to be another innings.

 

[ratto]

Marathoner,

I'm so sorry to hear this.

my counsel would be to pay attention to your feelings, and try to proceed with compassion and understanding even though it is impossible not to be hurt and angry.

+1. You're still young, and life moves on.

 

[tangomonster]

Sorry to hear this. Glad that you are still so young---you will have the resilience to rebuild your life.

I Googled alimony and saw that there is a type of alimony called reimbursement alimony where the husband reimburses the wife for putting him through school.

Sounds like this is not the man you married. Maybe he is getting giddy being so close to the finish line, with lots of money and the increased ability to attract women as a doctor (can't believe I'm typing this as being the case in 2011 when women are just as capable as men of earning a high income, but it seems like it could be true).

Promise that you will make an appointment with a lawyer today! You are entitled---no, actually you are obligated---to protect yourself from any further damage. He's done quite enough already! Give him a life lesson about every action having consequences and that MD or not, the world is not entirely playground where he can do whatever he wants without any repercussions.

 

[FinanceDude]

That all changed when he told me he'd been having an affair for the past 2 weeks with a coworker and was divorcing me to be with her! I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. He is throwing away a good 10 year marriage for a 2 week fling, and not willing to try to save the relationship.

Who knows what's really going on. It sucks, but at least he told you rather than having a long term affair and not telling you. Both are bad, though............

I know he's making a huge mistake, but I must carry on and figure out what's wrong with me that I'd even consider staying with a cheater.

He seems to think he's not making a mistake.

Anyway, the only complaint he had about me was that I think too much about the future. We'd discussed FIRE and he always told me he wanted to do so, but now he's told me that he really likes his job, is planning on working 60 hours per week for the rest of his life.

That's a cop-out answer. He has other reasons he's not sharing with you.........

I am only in my early 30s, so I know I will come out just fine. I just know that divorce is one of the worst things that can happen to one's finances. Lots of changes on the horizon, and I hope I can still find a way to FIRE.

Better to have this happen in early 30's than mid 50's, I agree..........

Keep your head up!

 

[bizlady]

RUN- don't walk to find a quality attorney. You will need to move very quickly to protect savings accounts and assets. "they" could pull out anything that might be in a joint name if you do not get this protected.

You come across as a gentle caring person. Should his "relationship" fall apart, you may feel sympathetic since he has no one. HIS PROBLEM- not yours. Time to take care of YOU,

FIGHT FOR ALIMONY as he is about to make alot of money and you are about to lose your job. You contributed much to his success. Though remember that you are clearly the better person.

Best wishes.

 

[Walt34]

So sorry to hear this is happening to you. Been there, done that myself starting over from scratch in my early 30's.

Two years later (coincidentally just after I had just bought a house on my own) the ex rings up and wants my approval to marry her boyfriend. The question floored me so I just said "We're divorced. Do whatever you want."

Only later did it occur to me that what she was really asking was could we get back together so one entire salary could be spent on fun stuff - which was where I was trying to get to in the first place but it was taking too long for her.

So.... Next July will be the 25th anniversary with one of the most kind, gentle, generous people I've ever met, one who understands that personal responsibilities come first, then go play.

There is hope.

 

[easysurfer]

Marathoner,

I feel for you.

Do the best you can to separate the emotional side and the financial side. In otherwords, emotionally, at the moment you probably feel blindsided. Yet, at the same time, you still need to concentrate on the finances like are your accounts (checking, savings, credit cards, etc.) held separately or jointly. Since he was so irresponsible in your marriage, there is nothing to say that he won't be just as irresponsible with your fianances.

I remember when my sister divorced years ago, I had to remind her this over and over again.

Hopes things eventually work out for you.

 

[NYEXPAT]

Lawyering up is probably the biggest mistake you can make! I would consult with the top 2-3 Divorce lawyers in your county. I would then ask these lawyers about mediation in your state and a recommendation for a good mediator. Once you have had a consultation with these lawyers they can no longer represent your spouse. At that point I would ask your spouse (for the sake of the Marital assets) to agree to Mediation. Case law is well established in these areas and no children are involved so it is pretty clear cut. Take 50% of assets and maybe Alimony for a reasonable period of time (5 years to pursue a degree) and move on with your life!

 

[Texas Proud]

Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

And now, 6 months away from making a doctor's salary, and with me losing my job in March, he pulls this. He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

It's like aliens have invaded his brain. This is not the man I've known for so long.

We did go to counseling once, but his mind is made up to divorce, and at this point, I wouldn't take him back. They're off looking at apartments to sublet right now so he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

toofrugal -- I do have a ton of support, both in real life and online, which has been very helpful. He has no friends and no family, just his new girlfriend. I can't even really be angry with him because I pity him too much.

everyone else -- thanks for the kind wishes. I know I will get through this and be stronger for it.

Many many years ago I read something very similar... the wife supported the husband etc. etc. and just when he was about to make some good money, he found a 'young thing'.... since they were in Texas which does not have alimony, there was nothing that she was going to get as they had nothing.... I remember this because she said his degree was worth some amount of money and that she owned half of it which was some value... I do not know what happened in court....


As someone else said.... lawyer up.... and don't play nice.... he is now your enemy and he will probably try and take you to the cleaners...

(now, I will read more of the comments.... hope things get better)

 

[brewer12345]

Lawyer up. Go talk to every good divorce attorbey within 50 miles to shut him out. Then you want to go after his future earnings and your current assets. You definitely want to grab his future income as it is worth a fortune if you were to buy the same cashflows via an annuity. At least as presented, he is a scumbag and I would try to take every last penny and then some.

Sorry that this has happened to you, bt at least you found out on the early side.

And I hate to have to suggest this, but go get tested for STDs right away. No telling where this lying, cheating piece of crap stuck his jimmy before he stuck it in you.