Is this the Norm These Days?

[braumeister]

I think the “fund my honeymoon but you are not invited to the wedding “ wins the prize for the tackiest of these stories!

I think I might respond in kind.

"You contribute to my fabulous vacation and I'll contribute the same amount to your honeymoon. Since they cancel out, let's call it a done deal."

 

[Sunset]

When my sister's husband passed away I was surprised to find cash in just about every condolences card. About half the cards were dropped off at the funeral home, the rest came by mail. The total easily surpassed $3k. This surprised me, but my sister said it was a common practice in the midwest. Even a card from the CEO of his employer, one of the top US banks, had a personalized note and $40 cash. So, cash at funerals is not uncommon in some parts of the country.

I've seen this a number of times.

This is also common in the Japanese community, even many generations later folks still do it here. Use of a check when mailing is acceptable and safer than cash.
There are a lot of "rules" about how to do it, but fortunately in the USA folks are more relaxed and any old condolence card will work fine.

All of this is unasked for whether needed or not.

When My father died a long time ago, I remember people bring LOTS of food, so Mom didn't have to cook or think about making dinners for many days. It helped a lot.

 

[mpeirce]

It's cultural in many cases.

In my and DW's family we never give cash at weddings. Never at funerals either.

BUT, there are many people from other cultural backgrounds that expect cash. All the Polish weddings I've been to did this. A nephew married an African woman and they had this same. Someone told me it's an Italian tradition too. I'm sure there are others.

My understanding was that the cash wasn't to pay for the wedding, but to help the couple get a start. Of course, money is fungible...


Funerals, never heard of that, but it wouldn't shock me.

 

[tmm99]

I've seen this a number of times.

This is also common in the Japanese community, even many generations later folks still do it here. Use of a check when mailing is acceptable and safer than cash.
There are a lot of "rules" about how to do it, but fortunately in the USA folks are more relaxed and any old condolence card will work fine.

All of this is unasked for whether needed or not.

When My father died a long time ago, I remember people bring LOTS of food, so Mom didn't have to cook or think about making dinners for many days. It helped a lot.

I'm originally from Japan, so I can attest to the Japanese tradition of money gifting for funerals and weddings. Their culture is, if it costs someone money, they want to give something back. For example, everyone brings something (not money, but some kind of small gifts) when they get invited to someone's house for dinner. If someone lets you stay at their house even for one night, you will bring the host a gift of some kind. If you give something to an acquaintance/friend, they'll give you something in return fairly promptly. (You may get some fruit, and you give a pie back, kind of thing.) Some people even follow some kind of etiquette/rules on how expensive a gift they're supposed to give back for wedding money gifts, funeral money gifts, etc (The return gift is supposed to be a percentage in cost of the original gift.) It's like, people there don't want to owe anybody anything or they don't want to inconvenience anyone, I don't know what the rationale is. I personally get exhausted thinking about it.

 

[tmm99]

Giving money for events is one thing, but asking for money? That is so tacky in my opinion. That said, I'm fine with wedding registries as nobody wants to get multiple toasters.

 

[Time2]

Not surprising to me that people want to get free money and will be tacky in getting it. With the electronic medium, they can do it in bulk without looking anyone in the face, and receive without having the icky feeling of putting there hand out to accept it.
If, it is not the norm yet, the more people that see it done, the more people that will do it.

 

[Amethyst]

I've read that "giri" is a Japanese word that connotes duty or obligation. Originally feudal, it is present today in the practice you've noted, that every gift or nice act needs to be reciprocated quickly, in kind or something of similar value.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giri_(Japanese)
"Giri may be seen in many different aspects of modern Japanese behavior. An example is Japanese gift-giving. It is marked by an unwritten but no less real perceived balance of "giri", whereupon unusually large gifts must be reciprocated."

I'm originally from Japan, so I can attest to the Japanese tradition of money gifting for funerals and weddings. Their culture is, if it costs someone money, they want to give something back. For example, everyone brings something (not money, but some kind of small gifts) when they get invited to someone's house for dinner. If someone lets you stay at their house even for one night, you will bring the host a gift of some kind. If you give something to an acquaintance/friend, they'll give you something in return fairly promptly. (You may get some fruit, and you give a pie back, kind of thing.) Some people even follow some kind of etiquette/rules on how expensive a gift they're supposed to give back for wedding money gifts, funeral money gifts, etc (The return gift is supposed to be a percentage in cost of the original gift.) It's like, people there don't want to owe anybody anything or they don't want to inconvenience anyone, I don't know what the rationale is. I personally get exhausted thinking about it.

 

[ExPatKiwi]

Maybe something to consider for a divorce party...raffle and donations thanks.

 

[Koolau]

I was surprised to find out that placing cash or check in a card presented AT a funeral OR a check in a sympathy card MAILED TO the bereaved IS A QUITE COMMON CUSTOM in the Islands - and here is why:

Most funerals in Hawaii involve a catered meal AFTER the service. These affairs typically involve many different ethnic foods as Hawaiians are quite mixed in their backgrounds. Not only that, but we are not speaking of "tea and crumpets or a turkey sandwich-let. We are talking a full catered meal, with sit down service, soft drinks of several varieties, MASSIVE amounts as some of us (Hawaiians) can pack away the food at a dinner. I've heard that such a meal can cost the "family" $25 to $45 per head!

One of our closest friends passed quite young (only late 60s). He was a clergyman and was known not only by his large congregation but by business leaders, politicians, other area church leaders, etc. It was estimated that over 1000 people attended his memorial service and I would guess most of them attended the meal afterwords. Multiply 1000 folks by even $25 and you begin to see why most folks slip $20, $30, even $100 in their sympathy card. The widow would have been expected to cover the cost of the meal.

That's WAY more than most folks pay these days pay for an "average" mainland funeral (I have heard $8K to $10K for a "traditional" viewing, embalming, caskette, burial service, funeral cars - a two day affair in many cases.)

It's true that cremation is quite common in the Islands, saving much of the traditional costs BUT there are exceptions. Our best friend in the Island buried both her parents within 2 years. Costs were at least as high as on the mainland PLUS the meal. You can be assured DW and I enclosed $100 cash in our sympathy cards AND we helped by arranging flowers and decorations at the funeral chapel and also helped serve the meals.

It's simply a cultural difference that many malihini are unaware of. You would never see a solicitation for gifts, but it's understood by kama'aina that it is customary. YMMV

 

[RobbieB]

I would expect to pay for a Luau (minus the dancing girls) and would behave accordingly.

I gotta go visit Hawaii soon!

 

[Koogie]

To the OP, the "raffle" thing at stag or doe parties is quite a common thing with young people here in Canada (especially rurally).

In about 2005 I had one particular d-bag who worked in our warehouse ask me to buy a ticket for the raffle at his stag party (which I wasn't invited to). I had the distinct pleasure of telling this unpleasant individual to his face that he could stuff it.

So, see, these tacky traditions can sometimes have an upside.... ha

 

[Koolau]

I would expect to pay for a Luau (minus the dancing girls) and would behave accordingly.

I gotta go visit Hawaii soon!

Actually Hula or Sign Dancing is NOT at all uncommon at funeral services here. YMMV as always.

 

[RobbieB]

I live across the street from a graveyard and really enjoy the latin ceremonies. Mariachi's and beer are common. And picnics at the site with blankets, beach chairs and kids playing and having fun. Dia de los muertes seems a whole lot more fun than regular solemn stuff.

 

[qwerty3656]

I live across the street from a graveyard and really enjoy the latin ceremonies. Mariachi's and beer are common. And picnics at the site with blankets, beach chairs and kids playing and having fun. Dia de los muertes seems a whole lot more fun than regular solemn stuff.

This is the way to go out:

 

[Doribe]

Would certainly not contribute towards funeral expenses.

I've not seen request on-line for funerals. It is common to contribute cash as funerals. I have dropped anywhere from $20 to $300.

I have seen "envelope trees" at funeral parlors and also baskets that are intended for card (I assume with $$).

Frequently people collect $$ at w*rk to give to a cow*rker when a relative passes.

I don't see anything wrong with the newer digital version.

 

[Amethyst]

A very interesting cultural lesson about Hawaii.

I was surprised to find out that placing cash or check in a card presented AT a funeral OR a check in a sympathy card MAILED TO the bereaved IS A QUITE COMMON CUSTOM in the Islands - and here is why:

Most funerals in Hawaii involve a catered meal AFTER the service. These affairs typically involve many different ethnic foods as Hawaiians are quite mixed in their backgrounds. Not only that, but we are not speaking of "tea and crumpets or a turkey sandwich-let. We are talking a full catered meal, with sit down service, soft drinks of several varieties, MASSIVE amounts as some of us (Hawaiians) can pack away the food at a dinner. I've heard that such a meal can cost the "family" $25 to $45 per head!

One of our closest friends passed quite young (only late 60s). He was a clergyman and was known not only by his large congregation but by business leaders, politicians, other area church leaders, etc. It was estimated that over 1000 people attended his memorial service and I would guess most of them attended the meal afterwords. Multiply 1000 folks by even $25 and you begin to see why most folks slip $20, $30, even $100 in their sympathy card. The widow would have been expected to cover the cost of the meal.

That's WAY more than most folks pay these days pay for an "average" mainland funeral (I have heard $8K to $10K for a "traditional" viewing, embalming, caskette, burial service, funeral cars - a two day affair in many cases.)

It's true that cremation is quite common in the Islands, saving much of the traditional costs BUT there are exceptions. Our best friend in the Island buried both her parents within 2 years. Costs were at least as high as on the mainland PLUS the meal. You can be assured DW and I enclosed $100 cash in our sympathy cards AND we helped by arranging flowers and decorations at the funeral chapel and also helped serve the meals.

It's simply a cultural difference that many malihini are unaware of. You would never see a solicitation for gifts, but it's understood by kama'aina that it is customary. YMMV

 

[Gumby]

.....

For us it is a no-brainer to give cash than to deal with wedding registries. We give relative generously and no one has ever complained. In fact we suspect we have been invited to a few weddings solely due to rumors about our gifting .

We always give cash for wedding gifts because every young couple could use some cash when they are starting out together. Then they can buy whatever they want or need, even a honeymoon.

 

[Teacher Terry]

When I was young in the Midwest it was common in the polish culture to pay the bride a dollar for a dance. Also you wouldn’t go to a funeral without either sending flowers or a card with money.

 

[Nick12]

Never been to an Irish wake but I heard it is an interesting time.

 

[athena53]

When I was young in the Midwest it was common in the polish culture to pay the bride a dollar for a dance.

When my brother was married in Ohio years ago they had a "money dance"- you paid $$ to dance with either the bride or the groom. He thought it was awful but that's what they did in DSIL's family.

 

[brett]

We give cash for weddings. DW is not keen on that but at the end of the day it is what people appreciate.

And...we wait until after the wedding. The last one was cancelled days before the big event. Fortunately we had not booked air tickets/planning to attend and had not sent the gift.

Instead of a lottery for some smaltzy prizes perhaps they could have made odds on whether or not the wedding would actually proceed!

 

[Doribe]

Anywhere I have lived that means a donation to the favorite charity of the deceased, which is usually listed in the notice. Never saw one asking for a donation to the family.

The way I interpret it, if there is not a charity donation request, the family needs the money.

 

[Katsmeow]

Lots of different situations here:

1. For many (perhaps most) people, the cost of a funeral is crushing and will require someone in the family going into debt that they may not be able to afford. I mean, sure, they could just not have a funeral and allow the state to do the burial if the deceased has no state but not many will want that if it can be avoided. It doesn't seem awful for me in that situation to ask for donations to help cover the cost. On the other hand, when my mother died she had pre-paid for her funeral so the out of pocket costs were just a few things (a true obit, etc) and her estate had the money to cover it. In that situation, asking for donations would be crass.

2. Gift registries are great. I like to give a gift and not money when possible and this way I know I am getting someone something they really want. No one is required to buy only from the registry or to give a gift at all. If they had a honeymoon fund (aka cash) as one of the options, I wouldn't mind. Of course, requests like this should only go to people invited to the wedding.

3. Go Fund Me is fine. I have only donated once (to someone I knew who had lost their job shortly after a cancer diagnosis and had lots and lots of expenses). I like that you can read the spiel and decide whether to donate or not. Most times, it would be "not" but I could if I wanted to.

 

[Amethyst]

What are stag and doe parties? Are they bachelor/bachelorette parties?

To the OP, the "raffle" thing at stag or doe parties is quite a common thing with young people here in Canada (especially rurally).

a

 

[Murph]

These are new to me too. I would also pass.

I'd agree that people are tacky, but I remember going to a wedding years ago (Polish-American) of a college friend in Detroit where they did the "money dance" and pinned money on the bride. I have a strong feeling tacky has always been with us, but it is more high tech now.

Polish American weddings have always had a bridal dance of some kind like that. Although I never heard of pinning money on the bride. At all my wife’s family weddings, including mine, the guys all got in a line and the maid of honor took your money, gave you a shot of whiskey, and let you take a spin with the bride.