Parenting opinion on birthday gift

[ocean view]

If I were to give this type of gift to a 17 yr old who was living away from home it would come with a talk about trust, expectations, and consequences. Something like:

“We trust you to make good decisions. We expect you to continue to get good grades (well done, btw). If those things don’t happen (entirely our subjective opinion), there will be consequences regarding the future use of this gaming equipment. Do you understand and agree?”

At this age, he’s ready to start taking responsibility for his actions. This is a good test.

 

[FlaGator]

Parent of university junior and HS sophomore here.

Fortunately, I did not have the challenges you've had so far. I made sure my kids had adequate computers for the work they were doing, and recently upgraded both of them after it was clear their 7+ year old laptops were no longer getting the job done (even I wouldn't use them ).

Given the history, my recommendation is tell him you're glad he's in a place were he's finally working up to his potential, but you're going to wait until the final grades for this year are in the books. Ignore the fancy cars.

Agree with others that $1,000 isn't too much to spend. IMO, spending much less results in a useful life of just a few years. I strongly disagree with the idea that making it easier to do online gaming is good in any way, and I don't directly support that habit with my 16 year old DS. Glad he has a job to help minimize the gaming (and now pay for what he is doing).

 

[ivinsfan]

The more you give him the more you can take away.

If it were me, it would join my long list of things he may lose if he doesn't act right.

As opposed to other goodies, this is not an item that you can confiscate outright due to academic needs. But it can get some restrictions if necessary. I'd be making my plans in case they are needed.

Isn't this the child you previously wrote about that thinks his parents are a step behind him? I would be alert. If I am wrong disregard this part.

I used to give parenting seminar's in my working days. (yes, a male, imagine that). The ability to take goodies away is a powerful tool, and I taught parents how to go about it.

I was certain you were going to say that you gave marriage classes back in the day...particularly when you talked about taking away goodies.

 

[splitwdw]

Well, I think it was his idea to flunk out of the STEM school, and not do what was needed during home schooling. He clearly has what it takes if he applies himself based on his ACT. You did what you needed to do to make sure he exercised his full potential. Good for you! I would not reward his earlier bad judgement and lack of effort.

Good chance you give him that thing; he'll spend a massive amount of time playing on it; and his grades drop like a stone.

Frankly, when my kids were in school, I couldn't care less if the parents of other kids had lots of money. And I'd ditch the guilt for sending him to a school where he's finally doing well. (Yep, I did not care if my kids classmates came from wealthy families. Needless to say, I was not the popular parent. Way, way after the fact, there was some slight acknowledgement that I wasn't all bad; and just maybe I helped them develop values and succeed in certain areas.)

If he has a summer break, that would be a good time to revisit a 50/50 split on a laptop he can use for college.

Ugeauxgirl "On the other hand, he's now going to school with kids whose parents drive Maseratis and it was our idea to put him there."


Strongly agree with Harvey & Marie, he shouldn't be rewarded for the short amount of time that he's been applying himself.

I was really surprised at the highlighted quote from the OP. You put him there because he wasn't doing his job which is to go to school and learn. It doesn't matter what strangers drive.

 

[pacergal]

16 yr old(soon 17), is he a Jr or Sr in high school?
I would have two options;
1) buy him the less expensive now, with the caveat that if grades go below what ever parameter you set, the gaming laptop comes back to you and his chromebook is it for him
or
2) Your usual birthday gift now and perhaps a bit extra for recognition of good grades. And suggest he find a job this summer, and match whatever he saves up for the laptop he wants, up to $X. That way he could purchase a more expensive gaming laptop, and one hopefully that would work well for future education, with his job money and your match.

Both with expectations of continued good grades.

 

[Jerry1]

I totally understand the “give it to him and take it back if he screws up” thoughts that have been shared. However, are you really going to do that? Don’t put yourself in a position to have to take back the computer. If you can really afford it and assuming he needs a better computer, start with whatever the bare minimum next step in computers is and give him that and tell him if he does something (keeps his grades up . . .) you’ll get him a better computer in a few months, a year, whatever timeframe makes sense to you. The point is to make him earn it up front rather than give and take if he screws up.

What we did with our grandson was make him go in on it. He wanted a better computer. A low end one but it was good enough and better than what he had. He thought he could build one for $400 (no way), so that was a data point. At Christmas, I got other family members to chip in and we got him a $800 machine (he had a monitor but we got him a better one for his recent birthday) but he had to agree that it was one he wanted (good enough for him) and he had to kick in $350 (ownership in the decision). We didn’t want to hear in two months that “this thing sucks”. So far, so good.

Note, this was very restrained behavior on my part. I wanted to just get him a nice computer, probably around $1,500, but I was overruled by his mom and my DW. Of course I could have just done what I wanted, but I think this is working out well. In other words, I think the ladies were correct on this one.

 

[Amethyst]

Not quite in the Maserati-driving class, but my best high school experience was my sophomore and junior years, spent at a high school where I was one of very few students from a working-class home.

Despite not having lots of new clothes, fancy vacations, and salon haircuts that my classmates enjoyed, I somehow fit in better than at the other two high schools I attended. If he's smart and gets along with others, he'll find his tribe, who won't care what computer he has.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Thanks all for the advice. We bought the laptop. He is going to need a pc for his computer programming class next year, and after researching a bit, it's a nice laptop but not an ideal gaming machine.

We told him that possession of the computer was dependent on continued excellent grades. We have the hated chromebook to give him if the grades go down, and he knows we will do it.

We are pleased with his progress, and explained that the laptop is partially a reward for that.

I knew I could rely on y'all for varied viewpoints and excellent advice. DH was very impressed when he read the thread. Thanks again!

 

[FlaGator]

Thanks all for the advice. We bought the laptop. He is going to need a pc for his computer programming class next year, and after researching a bit, it's a nice laptop but not an ideal gaming machine.

We told him that possession of the computer was dependent on continued excellent grades. We have the hated chromebook to give him if the grades go down, and he knows we will do it.

We are pleased with his progress, and explained that the laptop is partially a reward for that.

I knew I could rely on y'all for varied viewpoints and excellent advice. DH was very impressed when he read the thread. Thanks again!

Nothing to disagree with in that decision, good call, IMO.

 

[target2019]

It's difficult to understand at times how different the world is for our kids. Good to hear that son now has a computer that can get him to the next level. We didn't have the money to buy the right school computer, but later paid for a Mac Powerbook when he got there and could not work with an old PC he bought from a friend.

With two growing up in the 90's it was a real challenge to support sports, tech, cars and other things. But we got through that and can see how greatly they are as young adults.

 

[SecondCor521]

I wasn't this clever with my own kids when they were that age, and I'm already too late to help OP with my fantastic advice, but I'll give it here for those who come along later and really need to know my great opinion on how to raise kids.

You need to separate and communicate the various things going on here:

1. It's his birthday. "This is what you're getting for your birthday because you're our kid and we have to love you. Here's a birthday card."

2. He did well on his grades and ACT test. "Congratulations on your good GPA that semester and on the 33 ACT. We're taking you out to dinner."

3. He needs to continue to do well in school. "Screw up your GPA buddy, and you're hoeing beets on the farm in the hot sun."

4. He wants a gaming computer. "If you want a gaming rig, you'll have to pony up half the cost."

5. He might need a better computer next year for programming. "We'll get you whatever computer you need for classwork."

6. The kid screwed up before in previous high schools. "You screwed up at HS1 and HS2, so for that you have to clean the toilets this summer." (Probably too late to impose a consequence for this one, of course.)

The point is not the decisions, which really can vary, but clarity in communication so the kid knows that X action got Y result, and he doesn't get confused and think that result Y was because of Z action.

What other parents drove and gave their kids was never a factor for my parents and also wasn't for me and my kids' mother, so I wouldn't even discuss that except to say "We do things our way. Maybe see if your friends' parents will adopt you."

 

[ugeauxgirl]

I do not pretend that we know what we're doing. Oldest son was world's easiest kid till he was 14. We thought we were brilliant parents. He ate whatever we put in front of him, went to bed when we told him to, and even took a bath willingly. 2nd kid was a different story. His first word was "No" He didn't do anything we told him to. We were confused- our brilliant parenting skills weren't working. Kindly friends explained that we weren't actually brilliant parents, kid #2 was just "normal".

Re#6 and cleaning toilets- that was LAST summer. It was very quiet. He didn't speak to us for months.

 

[imnontrad]

Well, that is not a high price for a laptop. My guess is that after a short while, he will realize that it is underpowered for what he wants to do with it.
So first sit down and find out what applications, etc he wants and then determine if that laptop would do the job. This may get him interested in an IT career which could end up paying 100K or more in just a few years.

 

[newlyold]

No, don't buy him a gaming console. A laptop he can use in college, sure. Let him get a job and work for things he wants. He'll take better care of them, appreciate them more, and start developing a credit score and some responsibility and pride in himself through being partly self-sufficient. It worked for my two kids, recently graduated. One with a Ph.D. in Theoretical Particle Physics, the other with a BFA in Theater. The left-brain thinker & the right-brain thinker. Go figure. But both were glad to have workhorse laptop computers for classwork. And both are employed and self sufficient. And they're still on speaking terms with their parents--Hurray!

 

[copyright1997reloaded]

Computer Science Professor here (and ex developer in my earlier 30+ year mega-corp life).

The laptop you purchased is not underpowered and has adequate memory for what he is likely to be doing, even in a Computer Science program. It is about the same as the HP Omen I use for my classes, including programming classes such as Unity (Game Design), C#, Python, Database (Oracle install) and show virtualization in action (VMWare Workstation, Virtual Box, Hyper-V). Heck, I can do most of these things on a Lenovo T420 circa 2012! (The exception to that is Unity is pretty slow due to the built in graphics of that business laptop).

What it *IS* missing that he might need to address is that it is missing a web-cam. Not a big deal, but surprising to see for something being sold today.

If he likes doing CS and finds that he needs something better in his Junior/Senior/grad school years, then address it then...the cardinal 0rule of computer systems is that it is better to wait (as they get faster w/each generation).

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Computer Science Professor here (and ex developer in my earlier 30+ year mega-corp life).

The laptop you purchased is not underpowered and has adequate memory for what he is likely to be doing, even in a Computer Science program. It is about the same as the HP Omen I use for my classes, including programming classes such as Unity (Game Design), C#, Python, Database (Oracle install) and show virtualization in action (VMWare Workstation, Virtual Box, Hyper-V). Heck, I can do most of these things on a Lenovo T420 circa 2012! (The exception to that is Unity is pretty slow due to the built in graphics of that business laptop).

What it *IS* missing that he might need to address is that it is missing a web-cam. Not a big deal, but surprising to see for something being sold today.

If he likes doing CS and finds that he needs something better in his Junior/Senior/grad school years, then address it then...the cardinal 0rule of computer systems is that it is better to wait (as they get faster w/each generation).

Thanks- I'm so glad to hear that what we bought will work. I have no idea about that sort of thing- he could tell me what specs he needed, but it would make zero sense to me, and he could just make it up and I'd never know the difference..

He's delighted with it- it's a huge upgrade from his chromebook. And it's almost summer. He has been talking about a job....