Getting depressed about illnesses and deaths

[Koolau]

Learned recently that my sister has early-onset. She's 70. but I always think of her as 13. Her attitude is positive but realistic.

My Big Sis (my only remaining sibling) is almost 80. I watch her every year when we get together in the summer time. I look for signs of Alz since both parents had it. So far, no signs. She seems in better shape than I in the mental acuity department. I wonder if she's watching me for the same reasons. I thought about repeating myself several times during a get-together, just to freak her out. NOPE! Stupid and cruel idea. I don't know where this kind of thinking comes from. I'm sure it goes back to our childhood when I would pull that kinda crap on her (and vice versa.) I submit that we never really grow up from being children. We just learn how to live in our adult bodies through trial and error.



Returning you now...

 

[Car-Guy]

My Big Sis (my only remaining sibling) is almost 80. I watch her every year when we get together in the summer time. I look for signs of Alz since both parents had it. So far, no signs. She seems in better shape than I in the mental acuity department. I wonder if she's watching me for the same reasons. I thought about repeating myself several times during a get-together, just to freak her out. NOPE! Stupid and cruel idea. I don't know where this kind of thinking comes from. I'm sure it goes back to our childhood when I would pull that kinda crap on her (and vice versa.) I submit that we never really grow up from being children. We just learn how to live in our adult bodies through trial and error.



Returning you now...

Having watched a couple of family members battle different types of cancer and one with Alzheimer's in their lives, I'll say neither are joking matters. But from my POV, Alzheimer's is by far the cruelest to the afflicted person and their family.

 

[Koolau]

Having watched a couple of family members battle different types of cancer and one with Alzheimer's in their lives, I'll say neither are joking matters. But from my POV, Alzheimer's is by far the cruelest to the afflicted person and their family.

I completely agree. Some times my "gallows humor" is a bit too much which is why I killed my idea to punk my Big Sis.

Bit I do think humor is sometimes a way to deal with such horrible diseases. It has to be done carefully and "knowing" the audience. BUT I can recall a number times that humor lifted the spirits of people dealing with those in decline with, for instance, Alz. Again, it needs to be respectful but humor often gives people an emotional outlet. (My mom had a saying that "it was better to laugh than cry.") Obviously, that doesn't fit every situation, but the simple act of laughing is almost physically the same as crying - especially in the emotional discharge it provides. VERY Much a YMMV situation. BUT I've been there.

 

[target2019]

Scuba,
How are you doing?

To handle negative feelings I only give myself so much time to deal with it. I know from experience that to remain fixed on something I cannot change just leads into more uncertainty.

 

[LateToFIRE]

This thread is making me appreciate my DW on a number of levels, but top of mind is how even at the very beginning of our relationship, she encouraged me to live life more fully. I've always been something of an ambitious workaholic - the straight A kid in school - the honors grad in college - the top quartile of the leadership development blah blah blah and so on... In some ways I needed to be that way in order to transcend some big early hurdles, but makes learning how to slow down painfully challenging.

DW admired all that initiative but also "forced" me to enjoy other aspects of life too - things that seem obvious to most people who are not me. Our first vacation together, when we were dating, she literally had to drag me onto the airplane. Vacation? Whahhh? Buuuttt, what about all the work I have to finish.... I had never been on a real vacation since early childhood. The world did not come to an end. And we had a great time! And I forgot all about work (this was back in the days when mobile devices barely existed)

And since, we've had many more travels and adventures together, to the extent that we don't have a big travel bucket list waiting for retirement. In fact, we don't have a big bucket list for anything - we've been there and done that on so many of our life goals that retirement is expected to be mostly more of what we already do for fun, just more of it!

I'm thankful and grateful for her influence in making me stop and smell the roses (even if that might have involved swatting me over the head with a skillet now and then).

 

[imnontrad]

I had a sister that died at 30 after a 4 year tough battle with cancers. And I have had HS/college friends who have died. Yet I keep going. I figure that I should honor them by volunteering and doing things they never had a chance to do.

 

[Koolau]

Once in my life (49 y.o.) I was deeply, clinically depressed. Strong meds helped, but did not lift me out of it. Only after a location and job change, did I come out of it. I never want to go back there. So, after really bad news, I morn, cry, grieve, and celebrate lives with the best of them. Then, I do my best to seek out things that cheer me up. Visit the kids/grandkids/siblings/friends, walk/pet my dog, hit the gym, take a vacation, and, yes, if all else fails, go to Disney World. I never want to circle that depression drain very long again. My $0.02.

My deepest depression was in university, trying to pass a course I was struggling in. I never even considered "help" as no "shrink" was gonna help me learn all the chemistry I was struggling with. I consider my depression as having a "rational" cause and therefore I wouldn't consider it to be a chemical imbalance.



I did squeak through that course and my depression abated almost instantly. It was a period I wouldn't relive for any amount of money. Depression is truly a killer. I did learn valuable lessons. The primary lesson was that "Depression is not a useful strategy to get though anything - so don't give into it."

 

[Car-Guy]

My deepest depression was in university, trying to pass a course I was struggling in. I never even considered "help" as no "shrink" was gonna help me learn all the chemistry I was struggling with. I consider my depression as having a "rational" cause and therefore I wouldn't consider it to be a chemical imbalance.

How ironic, a possible chemical imbalance trying to learn Chemistry.

 

[Gearhead Jim]

My parents raised me in the faith of our church. I went through the usual questioning and searching in my teens and twenties, finally concluded (a bit reluctantly) that the major parts are true, and our physical life is not the whole story. Like everyone, at 78 I sometimes get down about the illnesses and deaths of friends and my own minor problems that are signposts towards bigger problems in the future. But when we go to church on Sunday, that refreshes my attitude for the next week.

My religious concepts come because I believe they are true, the fact that they may be comforting is definitely secondary. I see a few people whose beliefs come from what they find convenient and comforting, that can be just wishful thinking.

Some day, I'll find out how close I got it.

 

[a60dan]

I’ve been struggling lately too. Retired at beginning of 2022 after 3 friends died in what seemed like short order.

2023 started with my 88 year old mother dying after 5 years in a nursing home with Lewey Body dementia.

My high school/college/golf buddy & our best man died suddenly.

My DW was stricken with a neurological episode that manifested as stroke symptoms. After her NP told us to “Live your best life!” she seriously broke her ankle hiking in a National Park and had emergency surgery in Maine, and started all over with a revision surgery 3 weeks later.

She’s looking at a long recovery and our grand plans have been put through the wringer.

Fortunately she’s healing well and past the post-surgery blues.

She’s encouraged me to take care of myself, golf when it’s nice out, and stop stressing about things I can’t control. She’s called me out on dwelling on my own unfounded health fears. She’s the optimist

I need structure, and am struggling with my widely varying calendar of activities.

It’s getting better this week even though another older friend is dying of a brain tumor as I write this.

I need to feel the sadness, savor the fun times, and look forward to when we can travel again.

 

[67walkon]

This hits home. Until I was almost 73, I wasn’t on any meds and was super active. I had a weird bp issue and they put me on bp meds. Everything has gone to hell since.

I just turned 74. I’ve seen more doctors this past year than in the rest of my life. I can’t exercise like I always have but I can do somethings. I’m seeing 2 new specialists this month. It’s either cardiac, liver, kidney or some combination.

So I am depressed about it. My solace is my faith Walk. Also the 12 years of very active retirement life before this all started. And I try to focus on what I can do, not what I can’t do.

I just keep on keeping on. Every new specialist gets all excited and then a few months later is scratching his/her head. Multiple cardiologists, electrophysiologist, pulmonalogist, vein specialist,hematologist, liver guy and now some new interventionist speciality cardiology practice.

I just thank God for the really good years of retirement. What else can we do?

 

[Retired Expat]

I think this thread will touch most people on this forum as we are mostly all of a certain age with more years behind us than ahead. In the past few years have lost a couple of close friends and was really feeling my age too. It was all extremely depressing!

But after 6-8 months of misery I got busy. Booked a 2 day executive health screening at Yale NH Hospital which was quite excellent and thorough. Found out why I was losing strength and becoming weaker in places. Generally that I needed 4-5 surgeries or I could change my life and lifestyle. So I got angry. Angry at myself obviously for not taking better care of myself. List a close friend who rode his bike 20 miles every day while I wasn’t doing anything!

So now down 40 pounds. In the gym 2-3 times a week with a trainer once a week to push me and keep the exercises from getting stale. Doing Pilates for flexibility and balance training 2x a week. Cane is in the closet, Diabetes numbers are down to the normal range, threw out all my pants and on my 3rd set of replacements. Taking a couple more pills but stopped others or taking lower dosages.

Took DW on an amazing walking tour of England, the kind of thing I thought was way behind me. Reconciled that old age is coming for me but G_d dammit Not Yet! Of course I could get hit by a bus next week but at least I will know that I had a great time there in the end, was productive and happy again!

Depression is insidious and only begets more depression. Must fight it at every turn and find our joy where we can

 

[steady saver]

I think this thread will touch most people on this forum as we are mostly all of a certain age with more years behind us than ahead. In the past few years have lost a couple of close friends and was really feeling my age too. It was all extremely depressing!

But after 6-8 months of misery I got busy. Booked a 2 day executive health screening at Yale NH Hospital which was quite excellent and thorough. Found out why I was losing strength and becoming weaker in places. Generally that I needed 4-5 surgeries or I could change my life and lifestyle. So I got angry. Angry at myself obviously for not taking better care of myself. List a close friend who rode his bike 20 miles every day while I wasn’t doing anything!

So now down 40 pounds. In the gym 2-3 times a week with a trainer once a week to push me and keep the exercises from getting stale. Doing Pilates for flexibility and balance training 2x a week. Cane is in the closet, Diabetes numbers are down to the normal range, threw out all my pants and on my 3rd set of replacements. Taking a couple more pills but stopped others or taking lower dosages.

Took DW on an amazing walking tour of England, the kind of thing I thought was way behind me. Reconciled that old age is coming for me but G_d dammit Not Yet! Of course I could get hit by a bus next week but at least I will know that I had a great time there in the end, was productive and happy again!

Depression is insidious and only begets more depression. Must fight it at every turn and find our joy where we can

I love this post, Retired Expat. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[Chuckanut]

I think this thread will touch most people on this forum as we are mostly all of a certain age with more years behind us than ahead. In the past few years have lost a couple of close friends and was really feeling my age too. It was all extremely depressing!

But after 6-8 months of misery I got busy. Booked a 2 day executive health screening at Yale NH Hospital which was quite excellent and thorough. Found out why I was losing strength and becoming weaker in places. Generally that I needed 4-5 surgeries or I could change my life and lifestyle. So I got angry. Angry at myself obviously for not taking better care of myself. List a close friend who rode his bike 20 miles every day while I wasn’t doing anything!

So now down 40 pounds. In the gym 2-3 times a week with a trainer once a week to push me and keep the exercises from getting stale. Doing Pilates for flexibility and balance training 2x a week. Cane is in the closet, Diabetes numbers are down to the normal range, threw out all my pants and on my 3rd set of replacements. Taking a couple more pills but stopped others or taking lower dosages.

Took DW on an amazing walking tour of England, the kind of thing I thought was way behind me. Reconciled that old age is coming for me but G_d dammit Not Yet! Of course I could get hit by a bus next week but at least I will know that I had a great time there in the end, was productive and happy again!

Depression is insidious and only begets more depression. Must fight it at every turn and find our joy where we can

You’re doing all the right things. It’s not a secret why you could do the walking tour of England and enjoy it. That is called success and it’s hard to argue with.

One thing I would add is as we age, we need to modify and adjust our activities to what we can do while enjoying the activity. The point is we don’t have to stop being active when turning down the activity level to something we can sustain still gets us through the day.

 

[shafer9]

It seems to me that you have a choice.

You can either fixate on negative things which you can’t for the most part change, or you can attempt to concentrate on what’s good in your life. Which, for most people, is more than they realize.
Look at me, I am 78. I’ve had several bouts with very nasty cancers and subsequent treatments, etc. etc.
Still here.
Got remarried 16 years ago and we travel a lot. That is by choice. We’ve actually spent that entire time traveling and it’s been awesome. I have scratched everything off my bucket list and have a new one. My priorities are changing and I’m slowing down physically but I’m still here.
. I go to the gym six days a week and I think that has a lot to do with it. I mostly don’t worry about other people dying, because of my age, that’s happening a lot.

I’m just grateful I’m still here. Try it.


.

 

[aja8888]

I think this thread will touch most people on this forum as we are mostly all of a certain age with more years behind us than ahead. In the past few years have lost a couple of close friends and was really feeling my age too. It was all extremely depressing!

But after 6-8 months of misery I got busy. Booked a 2 day executive health screening at Yale NH Hospital which was quite excellent and thorough. Found out why I was losing strength and becoming weaker in places. Generally that I needed 4-5 surgeries or I could change my life and lifestyle. So I got angry. Angry at myself obviously for not taking better care of myself. List a close friend who rode his bike 20 miles every day while I wasn’t doing anything!

So now down 40 pounds. In the gym 2-3 times a week with a trainer once a week to push me and keep the exercises from getting stale. Doing Pilates for flexibility and balance training 2x a week. Cane is in the closet, Diabetes numbers are down to the normal range, threw out all my pants and on my 3rd set of replacements. Taking a couple more pills but stopped others or taking lower dosages.

Took DW on an amazing walking tour of England, the kind of thing I thought was way behind me. Reconciled that old age is coming for me but G_d dammit Not Yet! Of course I could get hit by a bus next week but at least I will know that I had a great time there in the end, was productive and happy again!

Depression is insidious and only begets more depression. Must fight it at every turn and find our joy where we can

Nice post and great job of getting back to good shape. I just turned 80 and see how important this kind of lifestyle can be for an older person. I need to do more of what you are doing, although I am OK now (but could improve).

 

[North80]

I had about a 6 month period last year where I had multiple friends and acquaintances either die or get severely injured to unusual circumstances.

One of them was extremely intoxicated while walking home from a dinner and was found dead in someone's driveway the next morning. This was in rural Canada, and he apparently froze to death.

Another broke her neck while trying out an electric bike on vacation. She's not paralyzed thankfully, but it's destroyed her financially. She's pursuing compensation, but the bills are stacking up.

Another one had a blood clot in his lung. He was feeling light headed, so his wife took him to the emergency room. He died a few hours later. He had just turned 40.

Another one was diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer. She died in less than a week after diagnosis. She was in her 50's but didn't smoke, drink or do drugs.

Another person I know had their 10 year old kid beaten and tortured by another kid of around the same age. He's now permanently disfigured and having severe psychological issues. Crazy part was this was the 2nd time the other kid had done something like this. He apparently beat and tortured his adopted brother as well. There was no weapon either. He did it all by biting.

 

[meleana]

This is why we just booked what is a big trip for us- out of our comfort zone- for next October to Sicily and southern Italy (16 days). Hubby turns 70 in April and I turn 68 in June.


Since retiring and moving out of state we have been enjoying our new lifestyle. But then I got hit with spine surgery out of the blue. I feel I will never be the same physically.



And suddenly people we know have died- one 64 with pancreatic cancer. One 64 with ALS. Both went very fast in a matter of months after diagnosis!


One (a health nut I might add) 62 of non smoker lung cancer. One in his 50's of COVID. Two neighbors with medical issues one died at 68 and the other 75. A few more neighbors- one in his 50's - heart. The other of MS and cancer in her 70's. My cousin who is 68 right now battling a form of blood cancer. I could go on and on.


Soooo- I am so glad we didn't cancel our tour to South Dakota this past June despite my back issues. I am grateful we are both hanging in there health wise but I do see and feel that we are aging. There seem to be a lot of people our age with more energy and get up and go and I'm not sure why. I do exercise at least 5 days per week but I am overweight due to metabolic issues. Used to exercise 7 days to a fault when I was younger. No meds other than a small dose of atorvastatin every other day. My husband is overweight and never exercises and he actually seems in better shape than me!


We pretty much have our estate plans in order. As time goes by we shall see what happens. I hope to not have to be put in assisted living or a nursing home. I'd rather just drop dead or die in my sleep but we have no control, do we? And I have my husband to think about who does not like to think of these things.



But who knows? I am thankful we downsized and moved close to where our only child son lives. I am grateful for good, friendly, helpful and fun neighbors. I am happy to live in a beautiful mountain and lakes area. We have to take life as it comes. Enjoy each day while we can. The simple things. Doesn't always have to be bat crazy 24 hours vacation mode or spending sprees. It's the journey- not the destination.

 

[Chuckanut]

I think if we get out and around, it’s not unusual to think most of the others our age are in better shape and health. After all, most of the very sick, and very feeble people are probably staying home.

The other night I watched a show about a Batchelor fellow in his 70’s looking for his next bride. The women were all between 60 and 75 and they all were gorgeous, active and looked at least 10 years younger. It’s amazing what good health habits will do, when combined with professional make-up artists and hair stylists, and clothes that are custom fitted to show off one’s ‘“assets’”.

The guy was a hunk also. Full head of hair, trim and fit, nice tan and a very pleasant voice. Right out of Hollywood casting for an aging hero.

Note: I watched the show because my hostess enjoyed it. We had a few good laughs, but overall they presented women over 60 as being as frivolous, empty headed and as catty as those under 40. I would be offended if I was an older woman. Just my opinion, of course.

 

[meleana]

I think if we get out and around, it’s not unusual to think most of the others our age are in better shape and health. After all, most of the very sick, inform and just plain feeble people are probably staying home.

The other night I watched a show about a Batchelor fellow in his 70’s looking for his next bride. The women were all between 60 and 75 and they all were gorgeous, active and looked at least 10 years younger. It’s amazing what good habits will do, when combined with professional make-up artists and hair stylists, and clothes that are custom fitted to show off ones ‘assets’.

The guy was a hunk also. Full head of hair, trim and fit, nice tan and a very pleasant voice. Right out of Hollywood casting for an aging hero.

Note: I only watched the show because my hostess enjoyed it. We had a few good laughs, but overall I learned that women over 60 can be just as frivolous, catty and empty headed as 20 and 30 year olds. At least on TV. Thankfully, the women in my life are much better.

My 2¢. YMMV.

I know what you mean. But like we have an 85 year old neighbor who rides 25 miles per day on his bike on the hills here. He walks like the road runner. Also a 77 year old woman- walks like Speedy Gonzalez.


My husband who never exercised in his life walks faster than me who has exercised daily for 30 years.



I'm just not aging well I guess. I hate the way I look and feel despite a good health care and beauty routine. My hair is so very thin and straight. I had to stop coloring it years ago because my hair texture was suffering. That doesn't help. Gray/white hair makes woman look so old.My face is good skin wise at least. No wrinkles yet. And I do have nice legs and feet.


My personality is still bubbly. Can't have everything I guess.

 

[Koolau]

Clint Eastwood impresses me a lot. He's still busy in his industry at 93. He eats healthy, exercises and seems to stay "cool" from all I've read.



Of course, he's not exactly a poster child for FIRE, now, is he?

 

[OHjosh]

I am four months past the loss of a good friend of 30 years. Watching her in a nursing home bed for five months, wasting away was very hard. Now I watch another good friend of 25 years in dementia. He is 70. I have had some health challenges, none chronic but definitely a jolt to someone who rarely if ever got sick.

I am not over this, but I have dropped a lot of the "OMG, I'm next" fear. (Terror.) In fat, I have come to realize that giving into that fear can actually bring on my (mental) health problems. I spend a good deal of time telling myself: "I am sad for them, but it is not me, TODAY." I limit the time with my friend with dementia. I limit the time of organ recitals I have with friends still left (and conscious!) I do a lot of gratitude lisiting. Most of all, I keep saying to myself: DO IT NOW!

 

[jollystomper]

I think if we get out and around, it’s not unusual to think most of the others our age are in better shape and health. After all, most of the very sick, and very feeble people are probably staying home.

Funny, I see things perhaps the opposite way . As I am out and about, I feel very fortunate to be in the shape I am, compared not just to others my age, but to those younger. It helps me to focus on enjoying every day.

The other night I watched a show about a Batchelor fellow in his 70’s looking for his next bride. The women were all between 60 and 75 and they all were gorgeous, active and looked at least 10 years younger. It’s amazing what good health habits will do, when combined with professional make-up artists and hair stylists, and clothes that are custom fitted to show off one’s ‘“assets’”.

The guy was a hunk also. Full head of hair, trim and fit, nice tan and a very pleasant voice. Right out of Hollywood casting for an aging hero.

I never trust what I see on TV . I have seen videos on how makeup and hair coloring can transform one's looks, and it is frightening . As for figures, both men and women these days wear body shaping items, so many times you cannot trust the figure.

 

[pacergal]

It seems to me that you have a choice.

You can either fixate on negative things which you can’t for the most part change, or you can attempt to concentrate on what’s good in your life. Which, for most people, is more than they realize.
Look at me, I am 78. I’ve had several bouts with very nasty cancers and subsequent treatments, etc. etc.
Still here.
Got remarried 16 years ago and we travel a lot. That is by choice. We’ve actually spent that entire time traveling and it’s been awesome. I have scratched everything off my bucket list and have a new one. My priorities are changing and I’m slowing down physically but I’m still here.
. I go to the gym six days a week and I think that has a lot to do with it. I mostly don’t worry about other people dying, because of my age, that’s happening a lot.

I’m just grateful I’m still here. Try it.


.

Absolutely! Focus on the positives in your life.
Make each day count, no matter what you are doing, be it traveling, sitting by a nice fire reading a great book, taking a quiet walk around your neighborhood.
Be thankful for what you have and where you are.
Do make sure you have your estate plans up to date,, then go live life!

 

[Koolau]

Absolutely! Focus on the positives in your life.
Make each day count, no matter what you are doing, be it traveling, sitting by a nice fire reading a great book, taking a quiet walk around your neighborhood.
Be thankful for what you have and where you are.
Do make sure you have your estate plans up to date,, then go live life!

Yep. Mom gave me very good advice (often, as I was growing up): Count your blessings! I didn't appreciate it much then, but I internalized it and it helps me now as I see my body (and brain??) begin to fail me.

I've got good insurance
I've got doctors I trust
I'm ambulatory (although in pain often.)
I've got a great wife who picks up my load when I need to drop mine a bit
I have faith that things will be better in the next life
I have friends who care about me and will help out where needed
I have "enough" money ("plenty" is a better word, barring black swan events.)
I live in the state having the best longevity within the USA
I live in a place where I never need AC or heat or a coat or long pants or a neck tie

I could go on (and on.) With all that in mind, I'm very blessed, indeed. (But I reserve the right to whine, anyway.)