Getting depressed about illnesses and deaths

[Scuba]

Three weeks ago, a 54 year old friend had a brain aneurysm. His wife finally made the difficult decision based on advice of the docs to take him off life support and he passed away night before last. So sad. My heart breaks for this family.

Another friend was on vacation with her husband, early 60’s. He took a bad fall and hit his head on concrete. Was initially paralyzed, had surgery yesterday, and now has some feeling in his extremities. Prognosis TBD.

And then there are always celebrity deaths and bad diagnoses. Jimmy Buffet recently gone at 76 and Bruce Willis, only 68 and diagnosed with FTD.

I’m grateful for the health that DH and I enjoy, but seeing death and serious injuries/diagnoses around me is depressing. Objectively, I know it’s just part of aging, but I’d appreciate others’ perspectives on how to keep from getting depressed by this. I’m trying to stay in the present, focus on what I enjoy doing or need to do now, and keep busy, which is not too hard because we are in the middle of a cross-country move.

I’m sure our being surrounded by illnesses and deaths will continue and get worse as we age, especially since we are moving to a 55+ community. Hopefully not us yet, but even if not, it will strike close to home.

How do you keep from sinking into depression? I’m generally a positive person but I’m feeling really sad and I’m worried about how I’m going to feel as I age and see more serious illnesses and deaths happen regularly.

 

[Texas Proud]

I do not know... I just see that it is part of life...



The biggest thing you can do is enjoy the life you have while you can.. I can give you some stories that are sad... but for each of them there is a story or two of something good..


If you are really struggling I would seek out professional help..I would hate that you ignore it and have a bad outcome.



Good luck!!

 

[Luvtoride]

Scuba, thank you for your personal and honest post. You are not alone in these feelings. I have thought about mortality and health issues often in the last few years leading up to my retirement 3 months ago. In fact I’ve been a bit obsessed reading books such as “Outlive” about longevity and healthspan.

We all have (had) friends and family members who have suffered these fates. It’s hard not to think about or dwell on these stories without thinking about what if it’s me or my spouse. We’ve both had our share of health issues in the past and thankfully now we’re fairly “healthy” for retired seniors.

I guess I deal with it by taking my attitude from the book “Die with Zero”. Not to rehash the many threads that have been discussed here, but I try to live life by enjoying experiences with my wife, our family and friends while we are healthy enough to do so. We now have more time and fortunately money to do the things that bring us joy. My wife and I leave for Mexico tomorrow and have a family cruise planned over Xmas week with our kids and grandkids.

Being able to do these things and planning the next outing, event celebration, golf date, dinner, with friends etc (not just trips) creates times to look forward to and takes my mind off the fates that others have suffered. We try to keep our shared calendar filled with these social engagements .

Additionally, I do try to focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle with exercise (I’m a Peloton junkie), eating well and keeping up with all doctor visits and vaccines. I’m not sure what else I can do.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Lewis Clark]

It can be depressing, for sure. My wife and I went through similar thoughts about eight years ago when six people we were close to either died or suffered a serious injury or illness within a short period. All six of those people were about our ages (mid 40s to mid 60s).

We took a hard look at our lives and lifestyles and made some adjustments. My wife retired within a year from a job and career that she had enjoyed but had grown to dislike.

I wasn't quite mentally ready to retire at the time, and I was not confident of our financial readiness either. That's when I started learning about the FIRE concept and reading personal finance blogs, including this one. Fortunately we had always been good savers and adequate investors. Within two years I started cutting back on my working hours after I was confident we were ready financially. After 2.5 years of part time work I pulled the plug and retired myself.

Once we were confident of our financial readiness to retire we started loosening the purse strings a bit. Not quite blow-that-dough worthy most of the time. But we did buy a summer home.

As each additional injury and death occur to those we are close to, we take a few minutes to reflect on what is good in our lives and how fortunate we have been.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Scuba, I feel the same way sometimes as I enter my 60's. DW and I both lost our parents over the last 15 years, as well as virtually all of our other relatives, friends, and neighbors of their generation. Not to mention the occasional death or serious illness of someone young enough to be our kid or grandkid. It weighs on you for sure.

Just yesterday I was going through some memorabilia and realized my mom passed away in her late 70's - I'd forgotten that fact. For some reason I thought she'd passed away in her mid 80's like my MIL. My dad passed away when I was a kid, so I always viewed my longevity as likely similar to my mom, who though didn't have the best diet, was extremely responsible about all her medical stuff, check-ups, meds, BP, etc.

Anyway, long story short, it shook me up to think OMG, I could have less than 20 years left. Here I am stupidly running models out 30 years when the probability of making it that far given my family history is close to the probability the Earth will be destroyed by a comet in that same time period. I felt both depressed and panicked for a moment until the demands of work (another topic we won't get into here) kicked in and distracted me.

Anyhow, I deal with these feelings these days by giving myself permission to live life to its fullest (and DW is on board). Time is a wasting. I might not have that much of it left - and that realization has caused some big reordering of priorities. No one ever knows for sure how much is left on the meter.

One thing we did several years ago is buy a weekend home in a beautiful, natural setting - the most expensive splurge we ever made by far. That put a massive dent in our savings - though it unexpectedly has paid us back the $$$ and then some in value appreciation. It's also paid us back in mental health, physical health, outdoor fun, quality time with friends & family, meeting new friends, and new experiences. And ultimately we decided this will be our retirement landing spot. I'm teeing up the next big fun BTD for next Spring, won't say what it is yet, stay tuned.

Anyhow, my mantra is that a life well-lived is the best "revenge" (or substitute whatever word works best for you).

 

[mystang52]

Well, I am living with 2 conditions, one of which I'm sure will do me in at some point. I do not dwell on when that will happen (I'm currently 71) but instead focus on quality of life. For me, that means the various forms of exercise that I enjoy, as well as intellectual pursuits I enjoy. I, too, take note of the age of someone who has passed, such as celebrities, and it can often be sobering, but again I do not dwell on it.

 

[Chuckanut]

I went through a period in my late 50s where I lost three good friends and two family members including my only sibling. I wondered if it’s only a matter of months or a few years until I joined them. 13 years later, my GF and I just bagged another trip overseas and we celebrated each new city we spent time in in a special way. ��

#1 job as a retired person is to take care of my mental and physical health. That’s plenty of work for me.

 

[marko]

At 71 I've moved from seeing obits for the parents of people I know to the people themselves, and sometimes even their children. The past year, I've had a few health issues, some chronicled here. Hitting "the 70's" has not been good to me.

I'm not happy. It saddens me that I have 10, 15...no more than 20 years ahead of me.

I love my life, DW, my home and everything going on around me and I don't want to leave the party!!! Like the Nexus in 'Blade Runner', "I want more time".

All I/any of us can do is to take care of ourselves and hang in there. My mom passed at a very spry 92 so I have some good genes in my favor but, 'one never knows'.

Ten years ago I ran into a guy who said: "So you're 60? Enjoy it. Even if you live to be 90, you only have about 15 good years left. After that, you don't want to do much except read books and watch TV".

 

[Midpack]

I’m grateful for the health that DH and I enjoy, but seeing death and serious injuries/diagnoses around me is depressing. Objectively, I know it’s just part of aging, but I’d appreciate others’ perspectives on how to keep from getting depressed by this. I’m trying to stay in the present, focus on what I enjoy doing or need to do now, and keep busy, which is not too hard because we are in the middle of a cross-country move.

It all comes down to this IMO. It’s only natural it’s on your mind with many recent losses, but that will pass in due time if you do exactly as you describe. Frankly I think we all need to stay active and engaged no matter what. We should all spend our time focused on our own quality of life above all else, all else is important but secondary. Proper respect, but try to avoid dwelling on unfortunate events when they happen.

And it helps to remind myself to not worry about things I cannot change, something I’ve learned reading and internalizing several (spiritual, not religious) books. It’s easy to lose sight of what we cannot change in the moment. Essentially the well known adage:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Car-Guy]

This is the main reason why I've been spending like a drunken sailor since I retired. (made that comment in another thread). Now it's getting to the point where I really can't do as many things that I have in the past 10+ years. I knew these days were coming so I lived for the day(s) back then while I could. Most here would said I way overdid it. OK, but I have no regrets. I've had too many friends that have died early with a lot of plans and cash they didn't get to enjoy. A few friends final years have been some real horror stories.

OTOH, I know a few friends in their eighty's that "seem" to be doing pretty well, from my POV. You never know but one thing is for sure, the clock is ticking for all of us.

Great topic for the start of a new day. Not!

 

[latexman]

Once in my life (49 y.o.) I was deeply, clinically depressed. Strong meds helped, but did not lift me out of it. Only after a location and job change, did I come out of it. I never want to go back there. So, after really bad news, I morn, cry, grieve, and celebrate lives with the best of them. Then, I do my best to seek out things that cheer me up. Visit the kids/grandkids/siblings/friends, walk/pet my dog, hit the gym, take a vacation, and, yes, if all else fails, go to Disney World. I never want to circle that depression drain very long again. My $0.02.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

DM died after a hard cancer battle two months ago. My good friend and neighbor who looked out for my while mom was dying had cancer himself and died two weeks ago. These are the two people I'd call on when I needed a pick up and they're both gone. I managed to come down with a muscle disease (PMR) during this spell and had a hard time walking at the two funerals. PMR can also lead to depression and it hurts a lot.

So yes, I can relate to your question. Not trying to be a topper, just someone that understands where you're at. I tell myself that its normal and I wouldn't be normal if I wasnt sad right now. I'm confident it will get better.

 

[aja8888]

How do you keep from sinking into depression? I’m generally a positive person but I’m feeling really sad and I’m worried about how I’m going to feel as I age and see more serious illnesses and deaths happen regularly.

I just turned 80 yesterday and last December buried my wife. Two weeks ago, I had to put down my dog of many years (my best buddy, actually). I have buried, a daughter, my parents, and a younger sister. I gave up going "home" as most of my friends are dead and one really close friend from childhood is in a dementia ward. Two years ago, my golf partner had a stroke and died within 6 months.

I've come to realize leaving here is part of life (but not a fun part). Am I depressed? Yeah, I think so, but I just keep plugging along and I still have one daughter and some local friends. But one thing I am doing is getting my personal "stuff" in order so that when it's my turn, I won't leave behind a big mess for my daughter to sort through.

 

[Dash man]

My faith keeps me going, and helping others when I can. Grandkids help keep me moving and smiling. When I hurt from my spinal issues, I think of others who remained cheerful while in much worse shape than I’m in.

 

[Car-Guy]

I just turned 80 yesterday and last December buried my wife. Two weeks ago, I had to put down my dog of many years (my best buddy, actually). I have buried, a daughter, my parents, and a younger sister. I gave up going "home" as most of my friends are dead and one really close friend from childhood is in a dementia ward. Two years ago, my golf partner had a stroke and died within 6 months.

I've come to realize leaving here is part of life (but not a fun part). Am I depressed? Yeah, I think so, but I just keep plugging along and I still have one daughter and some local friends. But one thing I am doing is getting my personal "stuff" in order so that when it's my turn, I won't leave behind a big mess for my daughter to sort through.

Yep, life is like that for most of us at some point. But you still have your health, plenty of money, your DD, new house and golf buddies. Lot's to be grateful for.

Oh, and happy birthday.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I think the best way not to "think" about deaths and illnesses is to stay in the present and do what you enjoy day to day. There have been several tragic deaths in my immediate family, where lives were cut short. Growing old is a privledge and we just hope that we get there, in the meantime doing what we love.

 

[aja8888]

Yep, life is like that for most of us at some point. But you still have your health, plenty of money, your DD, new house and golf buddies. Lot's to be grateful for.

Oh, and happy birthday.

Yes, I am blessed with all of that. And I certainly understand that I could have a life threatening problem at any given moment (like my golf partner did).

No matter how well one is, it's still hard to watch the bad stuff unfold before your eyes on a somewhat regular basis. That's what appears to be eating at the OP too.

 

[audreyh1]

For sure do as much as you can while you have your health.

What is the alternative? Just quit enjoying life while you can?

Surely you have something to look forward to. Aah right, you probably have some exhaustion related to your massive move project.

If you can’t get out of this get help because it’s no way to live. But considering the move which perhaps also brings some feelings of loss, you probably just need some adjustment time.

I’ve lived with shadows of death for almost 30 years. I lost my mother to cancer, she didn’t even make it to her 64th birthday, and I am now approaching mine. You never know! That life event very much inspired me to retire early.

 

[Dreamer]

I have went through this with relatives and three friends last year. It is not easy.

I have been feeling down after watching the news lately. Thinking about all the people that were happy living their lives and then their country is at war. Again, not easy.

I do think that you have to try to live your best life while you are here. Surround yourself with relatives and friends that you love. Do things that make you happy.


Happy Belated Birthday, aja8888. I hope that you had a good special day.

 

[audreyh1]

I just turned 80 yesterday and last December buried my wife. Two weeks ago, I had to put down my dog of many years (my best buddy, actually). I have buried, a daughter, my parents, and a younger sister. I gave up going "home" as most of my friends are dead and one really close friend from childhood is in a dementia ward. Two years ago, my golf partner had a stroke and died within 6 months.

I've come to realize leaving here is part of life (but not a fun part). Am I depressed? Yeah, I think so, but I just keep plugging along and I still have one daughter and some local friends. But one thing I am doing is getting my personal "stuff" in order so that when it's my turn, I won't leave behind a big mess for my daughter to sort through.

Happy birthday Aja!

 

[easysurfer]

A weeks doesn't go by without me thinking about my own fate. I think mainly by doing the math. I have relatives that didn't live to a ripe old age. In about 20 years from now there is a good chance I won't be around. 20 years can fly by quickly.

I try to live each day with gratitude and appreciation. Try not to dwell on any regrets and not beat myself up and concluding ho matter what, I did my best. This way of thinking helps.

But that doesn't mean I don't notice the hourglass running down on me and others I've known personally and public icons.

 

[aja8888]

Oh, and happy birthday.

Happy birthday Aja!

Thanks!

 

[brett]

It is difficult not to get depressed. Lots of deaths and debilitating illness with friends, colleagues, and relatives.

It is one of the reasons why we retired early. One of the reasons why we downsized and decided to focus on experiences rather than things. Many of the 'things' we thought we important no longer seem so after 12 years of retirement.

Our approach to life has always been to be thankful for what we have and to keep moving forward with our lives no matter what comes our way. This approach has served us well in the past. More so in our current family environment of cancers, etc.

Two things that do depress us as we get older is that there seems to be so many more very angry people around us. The second thing is there seems to be more people who expect the world to mirror and conform their way of life, their beliefs. Alas, that is not what this world is about.

 

[pacergal]

Happy Birthday aja888!

Death is a part of the Life continuum.

Most of my relatives died in their eighties, one at 42, one at 100.
DH mostly in 70-80 range and one early 40's, all but one sibling is gone.
Several of our high school classmates have passed recently.

But we do find ourselves talking more about the possibility of aging out of our home, via illness or assisted care needs, what our plans might be if that happened or after one of us passes. It can be depressing at times, however we also know it is better to have things thought through.

At (almost) 67, we both know our time is about 20 or so years left. We try to focus on our kids and grandkids, as they brings tremendous joy into our lives.
And right now, we simply are so very thankful for what we have and go about daily life with much gratitude. Each day is a blessing.

 

[Fermion]

This is why you should not stress out about OMY or tiny differences in Firecalc success rates. Do the things you want to do NOW before illnesses and death make them impossible no matter how much a computer program tells you 100%.