The Case Against Remarriage

[freebird5825]

I'll repeat one of my "truisms" from another thread because I think it fits well here...

Love is love, business is business

Call me cynical, but it seems to me that marriage is less about love these days and more about business (benefits, money, custody, joint vs separate property in crippling divorce settlements from h*ll, etc). Equitable (50-50) splits of assets are a fairy tale from what I have directly observed.

I am a romantic at heart, but the more of what I see my friends go through in divorce court proceedings, the more I run in the other direction. And I am not the marrying type to begin with...

 

[haha]

I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.

You need the Ha rule 11b-2a- do not date men who sport wallet chains.

 

[bbbamI]

Of the same opinion. My son has been going steady with his girlfriend for 3 years now. Both have steady jobs in the public sector. He has the gall to tell me that he doesn´t plan to marry. And, neither has she-or so she says.
But what I find most unbelievable is that -according to my son- his theoretical mother in law agrees with their plans......

We are talking conservative small town mores around here, where gossip rules.

mmm...well, maybe the theoretical mother in law is thinking of writing a book. Scandal sells...don't ya know? .......

 

[Khan]

Here's a few more choice ones for you...

I have never dangled on a man's wallet chain and have no intention of ever doing so.

I do not believe in emptying a man's wallet.

I don't need your money...I have my own.

Same here.

And that scares some of them.

 

[freebird5825]

Doesn't that depend on the angle of the dangle?

You need the Ha rule 11b-2a- do not date men who sport wallet chains.

Take 10 points each, men.

 

[vicente solano]

mmm...well, maybe the theoretical mother in law is thinking of writing a book. Scandal sells...don't ya know? .......

If that is the case she´ll need a ghost writer

 

[Bestwifeever]

I have been remarried for eleven & 1/2 years. We are both professionals who brought in two children each from a prior marriage. We always knew that our challenges in this marriage focused on my wife's youngest daughter. She was 14 when we married, a nasty, abusive, and sometimes violent child. I always hoped that this child would grow out of it, or at least leave and live her own life.

Fast-forward to now; my wife has constantly enabled this addicted, violent, felonious psychopath to the determent of our marriage. I pumped $35,000 into a major rehab for the daughter back in 2006, a loan to my wife. Each year it got worse and worse, with arrests, violence, and abuse of my wife.

My wife and I are now right on the cusp of divorce. After years of propping my DW up in every way, I guess the last straw(s) have arrived on my back.

So, remarriage is a real risk, with nearly two thirds ending in divorce. We're in counseling, and I'm trying to get the DW to go with me to Families Anon.

Bless you for years of trying.

Similar situations often wreck first marriages, where both parties are the biological parents. The stress of being the step-parent to this girl and watching her mother try to deal with her must have multiplied the difficulties.

 

[Khan]

I'll repeat one of my "truisms" from another thread because I think it fits well here...

Love is love, business is business

Call me cynical, but it seems to me that marriage is less about love these days and more about business (benefits, money, custody, joint vs separate property in crippling divorce settlements from h*ll, etc). Equitable (50-50) splits of assets are a fairy tale from what I have directly observed.

I am a romantic at heart, but the more of what I see my friends go through in divorce court proceedings, the more I run in the other direction. And I am not the marrying type to begin with...

I suppose a future marriage is not 100% impossible. But I assure you that if so everything shall be in writing.

 

[Moemg]

Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !

 

[haha]

Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !

What I see on the part of men who have been around the block is not a fear to love, or not a fear that it might end- in fact endings and new beginnings are often more fun than just more of same ol' same ol'. Contrary to some ideas, many men like love and romance (including me).

It is more rebellion at the high and unpredictable exit fees. People balk at annuity exit fees, which are chicken feed compared to those of marriages or marriage analogs.

Ha

 

[Khan]

Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !

It's all negotiations and rearrangements.

Gave up on "love and marriage" ~25 years ago.

 

[bbbamI]

Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !

Well, if you're a fool...so am I.

I have unconditional love in my life and I'm going to cherish every moment....

 

[Tigger]

I'm all for unconditional love.

Too bad many ladies think they should only grant their love on condition of access to my money.

 

[Bimmerbill]

If I ever remarry, it will be to someone with equal earning potential and savings. The cost to exit a marriage is high, depending on state. Luckily my state doesn't award spousal support that often, tho the opposing team is asking for it.

Child support is also stacked against the higher earning spouse. In my case, I am being asked to pay 75% of the total because I make 75% of the gross.

Actually, I am being asked to pay 100% as spouse was terminated a few weeks back.

 

[haha]

I'm all for unconditional love.

Too bad many ladies think they should only grant their love on condition of access to my money.

LOL. Unconditional love outside of parent/child relationships and special short term emergencies is mostly a slogan, not a reality.

A look at marriages as they are will convince almost anyone that there are about as many conditions to marriage continuance as there are to your continuing to occupy your mortgaged house.

Husband and wife had better understand the limits, and stay within them, or spouse and his/her lawyer wil help you understand in case you should ever be moved to try another marriage.

Just hang around this board for long enough, and unless you have filters going you will get a course in how limits are signaled and enforced within marriages.

Ha

 

[haha]

If I ever remarry, it will be to someone with equal earning potential and savings. The cost to exit a marriage is high, depending on state. Luckily my state doesn't award spousal support that often, tho the opposing team is asking for it.

Child support is also stacked against the higher earning spouse. In my case, I am being asked to pay 75% of the total because I make 75% of the gross.

Actually, I am being asked to pay 100% as spouse was terminated a few weeks back.

You are custodial parent, is that not correct?

Ha

 

[GregLee]

If I ever remarry, it will be to someone with equal earning potential and savings.

I think that's very wise, though I personally have no experience with remarriage, having been married just this once, since 1968. My wife is a professional, with background, career, finances, on a par with me, and is a proud person, who would no more try to profit from me than I would from her, should we ever part ways (pretty darn unlikely at this point).

 

[Bimmerbill]

You are custodial parent, is that not correct?

Ha

I was (still am I guess), but spouse retained a new lawyer and she must have told spouse that parenting time=$. We were at 75% me/25% her, but new proposal is 50/50 parenting time.

Burden of proof to deviate from 50/50 is pretty high (felony, drug/alcohol issues, etc).

One of the issues I have with the whole process is that the judge can pretty much do whatever he/she wants in dividing assets. "Fair and equitible" is the only standard.

Obviously, my idea of fair and equitable is slightly slanted toward my own self interests. Only slightly tho.

 

[Amethyst]

I attracted my share of men who were looking for someone to help with child support and mortgage payments. I always felt they had some nerve.

Amethyst

I'm all for unconditional love.

Too bad many ladies think they should only grant their love on condition of access to my money.

 

[haha]

I was (still am I guess), but spouse retained a new lawyer and she must have told spouse that parenting time=$. We were at 75% me/25% her, but new proposal is 50/50 parenting time.

Burden of proof to deviate from 50/50 is pretty high (felony, drug/alcohol issues, etc).

One of the issues I have with the whole process is that the judge can pretty much do whatever he/she wants in dividing assets. "Fair and equitible" is the only standard.

Obviously, my idea of fair and equitable is slightly slanted toward my own self interests. Only slightly tho.

Yes, I see. Specially hurtful for you when you were the one who understood and was willing to care for your child.

 

[Danmar]

Most people who avoid heavy entanglements or make it into a business arrangement are scared of ever opening up their heart again and frankly I find that sad . There is nothing better in this world than love and being number one in some body's heart even if it's not forever . Call be a sentimental fool but I still believe in love & marriage !

I agree with you but I think we are in the minority. if I hadn't taken a chance on my second marriage I would have been much the poorer, and I don't mean financially. After the first marriage I had every reason not to do it again.
DougV- I feel for you. Good luck. Kids really complicate a second marriage.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Fast-forward to now; my wife has constantly enabled this addicted, violent, felonious psychopath to the determent of our marriage. I pumped $35,000 into a major rehab for the daughter back in 2006, a loan to my wife. Each year it got worse and worse, with arrests, violence, and abuse of my wife.

My wife and I are now right on the cusp of divorce. After years of propping my DW up in every way, I guess the last straw(s) have arrived on my back.

Sorry to hear it, Doug. Does your wife recognize that she's part of the problem? It's funny how parents are so often blinded when dealing with their own child.

Tough situation, I hope things work out well for you and your family.

 

[Emeritus]

I'm all for unconditional love.

Too bad many ladies think they should only grant their love on condition of access to my money.

Are you possibly describing "conditional love"
Nothing wrong with that.

My late FIL made it clear to Spouse #2 that while he loved her would make a full and fair provision for her, he also loved his children and felt special obligations to them especially since he was supporting Spouse #2 with money he inherited from Spouse #1, which he felt he held in trust for her children including DW.

Similarly DW and I have a written agreement that while everything we both earn is true joint property, her inheritance from her parents is her separate money held for our children.

I certainly accept that there is a difference between a young marriage that looks forward to building a life together, and sharing its hardships. and an often later-in-life relationship that is essentially in the consumption phase. A true financial partnership may make sense in one area but not the other

 

[donheff]

Wow. I just came back to this thread and skimmed through. It seems like the vast majority are down on marriage. That surprises me since it doesn't fit with my experiences - most of my friends have been married for years and don't express substantial angst. Maybe some of you poll constructors should develop a poll to gather more comprehensive views.

As to my experience, my first marriage was a typical youthful mistake but ended amicably. DW and I have been together 28 years, 26 married. The union has been emotionally and financially good for both of us and I can't imagine anything that would lead to a divorce at this stage (yah, I read the posts, I know it could still happen). If I had it to do over again I would sign up without a qualm. That said, I would not rush into another marriage if DW died. And, if I fell in love with someone I would not consider it without a carefully thought out pre-nup. To a certain extent DW and I have already addressed that by putting everything we own into a family trust.

One thing I didn't see mentioned from a financial benefits perspective is the spousal benefit attached to a pension. If I remarried my future wife would (could, depending on what I select) get a survivor benefit if she outlived me. That factor could counsel marrying to protect someone you loved.

 

[omni550]

I certainly accept that there is a difference between a young marriage that looks forward to building a life together, and sharing its hardships. and an often later-in-life relationship that is essentially in the consumption phase. A true financial partnership may make sense in one area but not the other

Speaking of hardships... a lot of the quality of a later-in-life relationship depends on health.

I know several women (aged 50+) who have no interest in getting 'hitched' as they feel that his health will start to fail and they will end up playing nurse and eventually burying him.

omni