Wedding Costs

[Lienlord]

Our youngest DS recently got engaged to the most wonderful girl! They've dated for 4 years, waiting for DS to finish college and get a good job. DDIL has another year of college, so they are looking at a Summer wedding.
DW and I are trying to determine how much to contribute to their wedding. DDIL comes from a great family, but not much financial sense. The wedding DDIL has in mind could get expensive, and while her family is very encouraging of all her ideas, we are afraid they will leave them hanging when it comes time to pay. This will leave DS stuck with paying off the bills (DDIL has a low paying job while in college) or they will look to us to pony up more than we had planned.
Our older DS married 20 months ago, and we also helped with their wedding. However, that DDIL came from a family that could afford more, and DS & DDIL already had great jobs that allowed them to fund more of the costs.
Our ability to pay is not the issue, we can. However, many of the decisions being made are very frivolous to us, and a lot of money will be wasted. DDIL has this princess fantasy about weddings, and not a lot of financial common sense (which obviously comes from her family).
Should we just tell them how much we contributed to our other DS wedding and let them decide how to spend it? And if they go over their budget let it be a life lesson? As a recovering control freak, this is very hard for me to do! Thanks!!

 

[Sniggle]

Yes, contribute the same amount as you did for your other DS ( or a little more as he already had financial reserves), and let them make their first big financial decision (or mistake) together. If you are fair and clear, there should be no consternation, and if there is, it is your son's job now to tamp that down.

(Weddings are such a waste of money....except for what is spent on food and entertainment for close friends and family)

 

[HarveyS]

I say contribute the same as for DS#1. Anything else could create hard feelings that, in turn, could last a lifetime. It would be a good start to the marriage if they had to budget for the wedding together and live with the decisions.

 

[cooch96]

I say contribute the same as for DS#1. Anything else could create hard feelings that, in turn, could last a lifetime. It would be a good start to the marriage if they had to budget for the wedding together and live with the decisions.

+1. I only add to not forget to account for inflation. No need to get in the weeds; it'd be cleanest to just use the gov't pricing index.

 

[Lienlord]

I say contribute the same as for DS#1. Anything else could create hard feelings that, in turn, could last a lifetime. It would be a good start to the marriage if they had to budget for the wedding together and live with the decisions.

Thanks for reply. We will definitely be giving them at least as much as we did for DS#1, and maybe a little more given their financial circumstances.
I think our concern is what's going to happen when her parents aren't able to come up with the funds to pay for what they encouraged her to do! We've tried to gently add our thoughts, and point out ways to get more for less. I've even suggested getting the $$ from her parents up front and don't commit to anything unless the funds are already there.

But, like most people on this board, we're looked at as tightwads who don't know how to enjoy life and should be blowing our dough rather than saving it!

 

[pb4uski]

What we did for DD's wedding is that we said that we would pay $x and if they spent less than $x that they could keep the difference... if they spent more than $x then we would split the first $10k 50/50 and if they wanted to spend more than $x+ $10k then any excess would be on their dime.

While I thought what we offered to pay for was fair and the total that we would have been on the hook for if they did end up spending $x+$10k would have been about what I have had in mind for many years, DD viewed it as very generous.

DD is frugal as is DSIL. They were creative and when all was said and done they spent less than $x... how much less I don't really know and don't care. It helped that we are members of an association that we could rent the venue for the wedding reception that included a hall, kitchen, tables and chairs, etc. for the bargain price of $300 rather than $thousands for a commercial wedding venue.

I wrote them check for $x and that was the end of it.

That said, daughters are different from sons when it comes to wedding costs. As I recall, DSIL's parents did a nice rehersal dinner and also sprung for the open bar at the wedding (it was a rural affair so open bar meant providing a boatload of beer and wine, some hard sprits and mixers and a bartender for a couple hours).

 

[pacergal]

Does DS have good financial sense? Has he ever expressed concerns about his future wife's lack of financial sense (per your words)?
It depends on how involved you want to be, or they want you to be.

You could just give the gift and let them be responsible. (how will you react if they overspend and start life in great debt? What does your experience with your son tell you?)

You could meet with all 6 (you DW, DS, GF and her parents) to discuss financials of the wedding.--Depends on your relationships with them. Previous etiquette rules on the family of the bride paying for everything no longer seem to be the thing.

As you state you are a recovering control freak, so just giving the amount you want and stepping back and letting DS handle things on his own with his GF may be difficult. But is probably the best thing to do.

 

[SonofCohoes]

I encouraged my recently engaged daughter to elope. Her fiancé’s mom is planning the wedding and is extremely well off. Some suggestions are blowing our minds. We can contribute a certain dollar amount and that’s it. Over and above is on them. Weddings get out of hand, even in the times of Covid, quickly.

 

[skipro33]

Looks like a good learning lesson of living within their means to me. You don't KNOW that the bride's family hasn't saved for her wedding, just assuming? You never can tell if another family has the propensity to save, have an inheritance, another relative, favorite grandmother for example, that planned to help fund, etc.
Unless asked to help, I would not assume or presume anything. That's how the fights start. Someone gets insulted. At most, I'd ask my son what they are expecting from us financially towards the wedding. If not much, just the traditional groom's side of the family expenses, then I'd kick in for the honeymoon. Then I'd give the marriage a good year or two before gifting them any sizable amount. As blissful as the couple may seem, the fact is divorce is pretty high.
So thank your lucky stars you didn't have daughters and let things progress naturally, don't offer where you haven't been asked and gift for a honeymoon or future down payment on a home if the marriage lasts that long.

P.S. If any kid or anyone else for that matter, had me feeling or looking like a tight wad, attempting to guilt me into spending MY dough on THEIR shindig, I'd probably put the brakes on every cent. That really would tick me off. No one tells me how to spend the money I worked and saved for from the sweat off my brow.

 

[Aerides]

If anything I'd encourage them to wait, vs. getting married right after graduation. That's pretty young by current standards. That would give them both time to get a little more on their feet financially, and put covid behind them as well.

But financially either way, "congrats son, we contributed $X to your brother's wedding and would like to plan the same for you" - as a statement of a gift (because it is) and that would be pretty much the end of it.

 

[street]

We haven't really talked about how much we will contribute to a DS wedding which is planned for next fall. Both of them are mid 30's and have 6 figure jobs so I would say they can handle the costs. I would rather start an investment account for them instead that would make more sense to me.

Wedding are important part for them but the money spent on them, not so sure about that.

 

[jollystomper]

Should we just tell them how much we contributed to our other DS wedding and let them decide how to spend it? And if they go over their budget let it be a life lesson? As a recovering control freak, this is very hard for me to do! Thanks!!

Yes. It is important to establish early in the wedding planning cycle how much you can contribute. The idea of "whatever you do not spend you get to keep" is also a good idea. We did something similar with our DS and DDIL, and it worked out very well.

 

[Walt34]

I have to agree with the others - tell them "We will contribute $X. Anything above that is on you".

If they get deep in debt, then that will be the first of many of life's lessons. DIL-to-be's decisions may well set off red flags, buzzers, bells and whistles in DS's head. And that is not a bad thing.

ETA: What they really NEED to get married is the fee for the marriage license and whatever fee, if any, the courthouse charges. Anything beyond that is optional.

 

[travelover]

.......ETA: What they really NEED to get married is the fee for the marriage license and whatever fee, if any, the courthouse charges. Anything beyond that is optional.

Amen. Now is a good time to learn the difference between wants and needs.

 

[Lienlord]

I have to agree with the others - tell them "We will contribute $X. Anything above that is on you".

If they get deep in debt, then that will be the first of many of life's lessons. DIL-to-be's decisions may well set off red flags, buzzers, bells and whistles in DS's head. And that is not a bad thing.

It will be interesting to see how things go. Our DS was raised in a house that practiced delayed gratification and contentment. We stressed not going into debt for things you don't need. DDIL's family rode more of a rollercoaster than we did, and learned to live with a degree of chaos that I couldn't handle.
So which side will win out? I don't know, but this could be the first big test!
DS knows what's right, but he also wants to please his fiancee and give her what she wants.

 

[Bugeater]

With both of our sons, we gave them each $xx and said they could use it to help with the wedding or pay for their honeymoon. When our daughter got married, we set up a joint checking account deposited the amount we were going to pay for the wedding, and told them they could spend all of on the wedding or none of it and keep what's left over but don't come back for more. That way they could use that account for all the deposits and other things and I didn't need to be bothered with all the details or receipts.

I think the bottom line is we just told all of them right up front what we were doing and that was the extent of what we were gifting them.

 

[Badger]

My first wife and I got married too young. Her mother wanted a big wedding that was more for her than her daughter. She came from a blue collar family and I know went into debt for quite a few years from the cost with 2 champagne fountains, live band, open bar, sit down dinner for 100+, etc. Then 9.5 years later we were divorced. She wasn't into delayed gratification and we were just getting started on a teachers salary. Talk about a waste of money. Seems to me I have heard that story before.

Five or Six years later I thought i would give it a try again. Thankfully this time with someone who was more frugal since we both were on tight budgets. We used a free room but with a nice view where my fiance was working, bought a wedding cake at a local grocery store and a case of champagne, friends taped music for a boom box, and everyone brought a cover dish. Everyone had a great time. It has been 31 years and still together. We'll see if this one lasts. YMMV


Cheers!

 

[rodi]

Whatever you decide - decide soon and have a frank discussion so that your son and future DIL will have clear expectations. Communication is key.

Personally - I'd be upfront and offer a lump sum of the same amount you spent for older son.... maybe adjusted for inflation. Then if your son and his future wife are expecting more -they can ask. Expectations set all around.

 

[rodi]

My first wife and I got married too young. Her mother wanted a big wedding that was more for her than her daughter. She came from a blue collar family and I know went into debt for quite a few years from the cost with 2 champagne fountains, live band, open bar, sit down dinner for 100+, etc. Then 9.5 years later we were divorced. She wasn't into delayed gratification and we were just getting started on a teachers salary. Talk about a waste of money. Seems to me I have heard that story before.

Five or Six years later I thought i would give it a try again. Thankfully this time with someone who was more frugal since we both were on tight budgets. We used a free room but with a nice view where my fiance was working, bought a wedding cake at a local grocery store and a case of champagne, friends taped music for a boom box, and everyone brought a cover dish. Everyone had a great time. It has been 31 years and still together. We'll see if this one lasts. YMMV


Cheers!

My husband has a theory (that has anecdotally proven true) that the fancier/more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Fwiw - our wedding was outside with a small brunch afterwards... <$5k including the honeymoon to Hawaii. Since we got married in my home town we spent another $3k on a big party in his home town.

 

[Koolau]

My husband has a theory (that has anecdotally proven true) that the fancier/more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Fwiw - our wedding was outside with a small brunch afterwards... <$5k including the honeymoon to Hawaii. Since we got married in my home town we spent another $3k on a big party in his home town.

I think I agree with your husband's theory.

We gave our daughter $X and said, spend it on whatever you want, including a down payment on a house. She went for the moderately big wedding (with some help from his more wealthy parents.) We were okay with that, though considered it some what of a waste. 4 kids and 12 years later, they are still together, so maybe the theory isn't 100%

DW and I spent less than $1K on our wedding which included 10-day honeymoon in Maine ca. 1971. Yes, inflation has raged since then, but I see $30K to $70K weddings these days. Madness (but as always, YMMV.)

 

[ransil]

My husband has a theory (that has anecdotally proven true) that the fancier/more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Fwiw - our wedding was outside with a small brunch afterwards... <$5k including the honeymoon to Hawaii. Since we got married in my home town we spent another $3k on a big party in his home town.

Years my thought too proven by a few I know.
Mine cost $140 ,including the rings.
We both made it to work by 11 am we got married at 9am , 32 +/-

 

[Dtail]

Also agree to give the same as your other DS plus perhaps a bit more.
I would make it clear to your DS that you will just not pay any overage and he should understand based on how the value of money was taught to him.
Then he could perhaps discuss it through with his future wife and try to pick and choose certain things over other things.

 

[MrsHaloFIRE]

WHen i was in college I worked in a retail establishment that did alot of wedding fine details retail sales. I always remember the lady buying for her son's wedding, saying that she still had not paid off his first wedding. Im still cringing thinking about it all these years later.

I would give them the same amount as went to the other child I would also agree to the spend all of it, or spend just a little and keep the rest policy discussed above. I would also whisper in MY child's ear privately that HE should be prepared to handle the rest if the money from the other side was not forthcoming. He may not see that coming 'round the bend and think it through. I dont have kids so im free with advice to those who do =)

 

[Rambler]

We gave each of our children the same amount...one boy, one girl. DD had grandiose plans that would have run more than $40k. We sat her down and explained to her that the wedding ceremony was the important thing, not the grandiose reception she wanted. We explained to her that we had set an allowance of $15k for her and that she could spend it how she pleased...but...that if she didnt use it all, the rest was hers to keep and use as she and her new hubby got on their feet. As we explained this, she began to see the light. She decided to have a modest reception, in the very nicely decorated back yard of her hubby’s aunt, and catered with a much less expensive catering service. She did have a nice dress, but her spend only totaled about $8k, and she kept about $7k to use getting started in their new life. Before DS got married, we sat him down and explained what we had done for DS and what she did with her allowance. He thought it was a great idea, and they planned similarly, but their spend was just a bit higher since his wife’s family had no financial means to contribute, and their brief honeymoon was also paid for out of the allowance, whereas DD’s hubby received enough mileage and hotel points from his family to cover their honeymoon, with reception cash covering meals and activities.

Back in the day, I think our wedding may have cost about $5-600 total...it was very simple, catered by my dad, who did wedding catering back in those days as a side gig, and my uncle made the cake for us and did the photos. 37 years ago, wedding dresses weren’t as over the top as they seem to be today, and might have cost $250 or 300...and our honeymoon wasn’t much...one night on the way back to the university I was attending.

 

[FlaGator]

My first wife and I got married too young. Her mother wanted a big wedding that was more for her than her daughter. She came from a blue collar family and I know went into debt for quite a few years from the cost with 2 champagne fountains, live band, open bar, sit down dinner for 100+, etc. Then 9.5 years later we were divorced. She wasn't into delayed gratification and we were just getting started on a teachers salary. Talk about a waste of money. Seems to me I have heard that story before.

Five or Six years later I thought i would give it a try again. Thankfully this time with someone who was more frugal since we both were on tight budgets. We used a free room but with a nice view where my fiance was working, bought a wedding cake at a local grocery store and a case of champagne, friends taped music for a boom box, and everyone brought a cover dish. Everyone had a great time. It has been 31 years and still together. We'll see if this one lasts. YMMV


Cheers!

The new bride and I compared notes on our first weddings, both in the early 80's. Both were formal church weddings, as big as each bride's family could afford. It is clear in hindsight they were for the benefit of the bride's mothers.

Never good to draw conclusions from limited data, but I am inclined to believe that a big first wedding is for the benefit of the brides's mother, not the couple.

Our recent ceremony was a civil event, on the beach with only family and lifetime friends. New bride thought it was spectacular

When my daughter's time arrives, it will be a sensible affair because she knows better, and knows there is a limit on what I will pay.

As to the OPs question - my recommendation is to limit your contribution = to the first one.