Wedding Costs

[PandaBear]

My husband has a theory (that has anecdotally proven true) that the fancier/more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Fwiw - our wedding was outside with a small brunch afterwards... <$5k including the honeymoon to Hawaii. Since we got married in my home town we spent another $3k on a big party in his home town.

Dh and I married in 1991. Our wedding was probably 15K - 20K for everything (dress, ring, reception, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, etc), so about 30-40K today. Large families for both of us (dh is one of 8 kids and the youngest) and many friends. Dh paid for both rings and honeymoon. My in-laws the rehearsal dinner and my parents the reception and after reception party.....very traditional.

It was a fantastic time. The best thing.....we had a very unusual photography arrangement for that time.....we paid for all the film and received everything....all the negatives. My mom had the photographer take a picture of every table with the guests. I enjoy looking back at those pictures....so many people are gone now. Everyone dressed up and smiling. It’s a treasure.

Now, we’re only 30 years in, so maybe ours won’t stick?

Now times are different, but dh is still traditional. He expects to host his daughters wedding. We have 40K put aside for her and 20K each for our sons (because we know now expenses are often shared). I don’t know if we will need it all, but we have it set aside. I figure it’s proportional to the wedding we had 30 years ago.

 

[braumeister]

DW and I are both into simplicity, so our wedding was very atypical.

On Saturday, I drove over to a local shop that baked specialty cakes and picked up the one we had ordered. To satisfy me, it was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. To satisfy her, it was a three-tier arrangement, plates of petits fours. It looked really cool and wasn't expensive.

While I was doing that, DW finished making her wedding dress from fabric she had bought.

Next day, we went over to the church in the afternoon (after their regular services) and the minister married us in the presence of the best man (an old friend of mine), the maid of honor (an old friend of DW), the photographer (the maid of honor's husband who managed to get his camera strap in half the pictures), and my mother. That's all.

Leaving the church, we said goodbye to them all as they headed back to their homes, dropped my mom off at her hotel, and headed back to the house.

Invited the next door neighbors over and we polished off the cake and a couple of bottles of champagne, then headed to the airport for our honeymoon.

Exactly one year later on our first anniversary, we had a big reception for our friends who came in from all over the country. Instead of renting a hall, it was held in the hilltop pavilion of a state park, with amazing views of the city and catered by the local supermarket, which had just started the catering business and offered rock bottom prices. Since we has been married for a year then, there was no pressure and we were able to enjoy the evening as much as everyone else.

Most unconventional, and most enjoyable, with no pressure at all.

Everyone we've ever described this to has had the same reaction: What a great idea! Needless to say, it was all DW's idea; I can't take any of the credit. It's 31 years later now, and I think it will probably last.

 

[Amethyst]

Give 'em the same as the older sibling got, and a brief, friendly conversation (not a "talk") about prioritization along with it. "Have you thought about where you want to spend the most $$? Venue? Catering? Bride's dress? Photography/videography? Honeymoon trip?"

This small convo can help a young couple realize that no matter how much $$ they spend, the Wedding-Industrial Complex will always make them feel like they should be spending more. It's up to them to take control and figure out what matters most to them; what will make not just the day, but the memories, special.

The WI complex has very powerful PR based on peer pressure. Much of what it is pushing is tasteless nonsense, but young people often haven't developed a lot of taste, or the ability to think about what'll seem important in a few years.

 

[Lsbcal]

This year our DS was to get married in late March with a fairly large attendance at a venue they chose. They were going to pay for it and we gave them $5k for the "rehearsal" which I understand is traditional for the groom's parents.

COVID killed those plans. Then just recently they opted for a backyard wedding. It was a very small family affair and we all were pre-tested. It was so nice because it was intimate and I think better then the original plans. We gave them a substantial wedding gift.

Now the baby is on the way and suddenly they are looking at buying a car that is practical for a family plus they would like to buy a house. We will help them on part of the down payment if they can swing the rest. Still a work in progress.

It is dawning on them that there are a lot of expenses coming up and there may be only one income for awhile. DS just told us that they are going to sit down this weekend and discuss money matters . Up to now it was more of a young singles mindset. Lucky they didn't blow too much on the wedding!

 

[Gumby]

Some people want to be married. Some just want a wedding.

If you want the least drama, I recommend that you write them a check for $X. (I would be inclined to make it the same as your other son to avoid generating issues between your sons.) Do it far enough in advance so they can plan accordingly. Then let them handle it from there. If they want to spend more on the wedding, it will have to come from somewhere else (bride's family, debt, whatever). If they spend less, there's a little money to put toward the honeymoon or anything else.

When the young wife and I got married in 1984, her dad told her he would pay $3k. She did all the project planning and supervision and brought it in under budget. I had nothing to do with the wedding planning, since I was at sea for the six months prior, arriving in port the day before the wedding. And my parents contributed nothing. In fact, if I had not paid for my mother and sister to fly out from MO to NJ, there would have been no one from my family at the wedding.