Wedding gift disenchantment

[Bestwifeever]

This is my first wedding, and my sibling knows the long struggle I've had over many years to find that special someone. Which is yet another reason I'm puzzled about the gift.

Ah. In that case Congratulations! Send me your address and I'll double his gift.

 

[Car-Guy]

Sorry, but IMO, it's the thought that counts. Let it go.

 

[ivinsfan]

No, the last thing I want is for this to create any tension or awkwardness in my relationship with my sibling. But, the way I feel right now, I don't see how to just "get over it". It's there, it's in my head, and I can't unring that bell. Every time my sibling (or anyone in her immediate family) mentions the wedding to me, I will reflexively think back on the gift. I imagine the feelings of disenchantment will diminish with time, but I'd prefer to figure out a way to deal with it sooner, and less passively. Looking for ideas and suggestions on how to do that. Thus, I started this thread.

While you are thinking about this see if there are an past issues kicking around in your head. This seems a little out of proportion, but if you feel it, you feel it.



You found your life partner had a lovely wedding in the midst of Covid but the first thing you think about is the amount of your bros present? I'm guessing there is something else there that is triggering this.


Just think about it....

 

[target2019]

Write the gift giver out of your will. You can settle up in the next life?

But seriously, I'm coming into focus on the entire wedding thing (not mine). Since we and she and he have plenty, all gifts are un-necesssary. But I know their will be some drama over gifts.

 

[Sojourner]

While you are thinking about this see if there are an past issues kicking around in your head. This seems a little out of proportion, but if you feel it, you feel it.

You found your life partner had a lovely wedding in the midst of Covid but the first thing you think about is the amount of your bros present? I'm guessing there is something else there that is triggering this.

Well, it definitely isn't the first thing I'm thinking about, but it is something I'm thinking about right now, given the timing of recent events. I just received the gift a few days ago, whereas other wedding-related stuff (planning, parties, etc.) has been happening fairly continuously for weeks on end now.

And I am not sure what you mean by "something else there that is triggering this". Every sibling-sibling relationship has a few underlying issues, I'm sure, but we get along very, very well and have had nothing but harmonious, happy relations for years now.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

With all due respect, how did it get into your head?
Do you normally put a value to everything or did someone bring this perceived slight to your attention. It's never a good sign when the drama starts before the wedding.
Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

 

[Sojourner]

At this stage in my life, I don't expect gifts and can buy anything I want. It would be hard to buy anything for me and I can see where one might be tempted to gift money, though, I don't need that either. With close relatives we have agreed to just quit with the gifts, as a sincere card or note is more appreciated.

Maybe you are in this position, too.

I'm definitely in this position and would be very happy to not give or receive gifts from family members going forward. It's been on my "to do list" to try to broach this subject with my parents and siblings for a while, now. At least when there's a "no gifts" policy that everyone observes, there are no opportunities for unnecessary grumblings, recriminations, or hurt feelings.

 

[tmm99]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle? Let's say the gift amounted to about the same as the sibling and spouse would spend on a typical dinner out at a decently nice restaurant. Or that the gift was less than the one-night cost of a hotel where they'd typically stay while traveling or vacationing. This is a sibling you are very close to, spend many hours per year (happily) with, and there is no strain or trouble (that you're aware of) in the relationship. Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

So it was around $200-300? Is that small? It doesn't seem small to me unless you had a big wedding with huge dinners and lots of drinks, etc. They have a spendy lifestyle, you said, but maybe they spend a lot of money on themselves, but not as much for others? I imagine you're already fairly established? I can imagine them giving tons more for a young couple who's just starting, for example...

But you know your sibling better than I do. Maybe there's some hidden meaning. Or maybe not. Maybe you told him at one point that you didn't want anything. I don't know. I would just put a question mark on the meaning of it in my mind and store it away for now. Maybe you will find out later if there was any hidden meaning. In the meantime, I would probably allocate this money for a nice dinner out with the bride and maybe take a photo with the champagne glasses raised and send it to them with a thank you note.

By the way, congratulations on finding someone very special!!

 

[ivinsfan]

Well, it definitely isn't the first thing I'm thinking about, but it is something I'm thinking about right now, given the timing of recent events. I just received the gift a few days ago, whereas other wedding-related stuff (planning, parties, etc.) has been happening fairly continuously for weeks on end now.

And I am not sure what you mean by "something else there that is triggering this". Every sibling-sibling relationship has a few underlying issues, I'm sure, but we get along very, very well and have had nothing but harmonious, happy relations for years now.

I meant some underlying squabble, long past thing that has bugged you about brother.


I'm just asking...you've kind of implied your bro likes to indulge himself and maybe showoff by super large tipping and such. But to say his gift seems cheap because he left a massive tip at a restaurant is a puzzle.


So I think you are saying your brother show what he values by spending larger money on it and since you didn't get large money, you don't feel he values you?


BTW good for you for actually coming here and sharing this.

 

[Aerides]

But, the way I feel right now, I don't see how to just "get over it". It's there, it's in my head, and I can't unring that bell. Every time my sibling (or anyone in sibling's immediate family) mentions the wedding to me, I will reflexively think back on the gift. I imagine my feelings of disenchantment will diminish with time...

Your brain is smarter than that, and can be trained. Every time you think of the wedding, you need something else to replace that reflexive negative thought. Instead of thinking of the gift, you replace that in your mind with the image of your bride's face saying I do. And then you go over to her and give her a hug.

And honestly comparing the amount to what he tips a waiter is not very tasteful. It's a bit tacky... why would you have made note of that? Unless this sib makes a big show of big tips, in which case those are not real, those are him showing off and hiding some insecurity, and that's a whole other bunch of issues. He doesn't have to show off with you, and you're not a waiter relying on tips.

 

[ivinsfan]

With all due respect, how did it get into your head?
Do you normally put a value to everything or did someone bring this perceived slight to your attention. It's never a good sign when the drama starts before the wedding.
Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

I don't know about RALI but when an idea pops into your head it pops into your head! There a reason the OP is thinking about it and that's OK...

 

[Aerides]

So I think you are saying your brother show what he values by spending larger money on it and since you didn't get large money, you don't feel he values you?

Oh, you're good, i'm coming to you if I need the couch!

 

[Sojourner]

With all due respect, how did it get into your head?
Do you normally put a value to everything or did someone bring this perceived slight to your attention. It's never a good sign when the drama starts before the wedding.

Since the gift was cash, there was no effort involved in "putting a value to it". The value was there in black and white (and green). And it was only natural to look at the amount given by my sibling in comparison to, say, a distant cousin or uncle who gave a (relatively) more generous gift. Heck, a neighbor down the street whom I've only known in passing for five years gifted us something nearly as valuable/nice as my own sibling! I'm not sure how one could avoid naturally doing these kinds of comparisons, unpleasant and crass though they may be.

 

[ivinsfan]

Your brain is smarter than that, and can be trained. Every time you think of the wedding, you need something else to replace that reflexive negative thought. Instead of thinking of the gift, you replace that in your mind with the image of your bride's face saying I do. And then you go over to her and give her a hug.

And honestly comparing the amount to what he tips a waiter is not very tasteful. It's a bit tacky... why would you have made note of that? Unless this sib makes a big show of big tips, in which case those are not real, those are him showing off and hiding some insecurity, and that's a whole other bunch of issues. He doesn't have to show off with you, and you're not a waiter relying on tips.

So to share about myself too, I have a brother we have a good relationship.



We would try to meetup when we snowbird maybe 200 miles from where he lives. One year a disagreement occurred about if/when we should meet . I swear something my brain broke and we exchanged a couple unpleasant emails and a very unpleasant phone call. After I cooled off I realized I was way too sensitive about this and it dated back to our rather strange and unhappy childhoods.

I called him at home and we talking openly for almost 90 minutes about some things. Mom had died about 10 years prior and this let us talk more openly about failings both our parents had and that we had to let go of some feelings of emotional abandonment from both our parents.



We both spoke more honestly to each then we had in our entire lives. When I hung up the phone, I was ready to let go of my emotional baggage and try to be a good sister.


I do think the brain is smart and there reason the brain is bothered by the wedding gift. Maybe just listen to your brain instead of retraining it.

 

[Sojourner]

I meant some underlying squabble, long past thing that has bugged you about brother.

OK, that's what I thought you might have meant. No underlying squabble, no significant, long-simmering resentments or issues that I'm aware of. I have occasionally heard the snide remark from sibling's spouse about my early retirement, but only in jest (or so it seemed). Something like "Must be nice! Heck, I'll be working until I'm 90 years old at the rate I'm going!" Perhaps that's a bigger issue for them than I realized.

So I think you are saying your brother show what he values by spending larger money on it and since you didn't get large money, you don't feel he values you?

Bingo. Except I wouldn't say that my sibling doesn't value me. The relationship is very good, as I've repeatedly said. It's just that maybe there's an "asterisk" there that I never really realized until now. What that asterisk is all about, and what it means exactly, I don't know.

 

[ivinsfan]

OK, that's what I thought you might have meant. No underlying squabble, no significant, long-simmering resentments or issues that I'm aware of. I have occasionally heard the snide remark from sibling's spouse about my early retirement, but only in jest (or so it seemed). Something like "Must be nice! Heck, I'll be working until I'm 90 years old at the rate I'm going!" Perhaps that's a bigger issue for them than I realized.



Bingo. Except I wouldn't say that my sibling doesn't value me. The relationship is very good, as I've repeatedly said. It's just that maybe there's an "asterisk" there that I never really realized until now. What that asterisk is all about, and what it means exactly, I don't know.

It means your human, that's what it means.

 

[Sojourner]

So to share about myself too, I have a brother we have a good relationship.

We would try to meetup when we snowbird maybe 200 miles from where he lives. One year a disagreement occurred about if/when we should meet it. I swear something my brain broke and we exchanged a couple unpleasant emails and a very unpleasant phone call. After I cooled off I realized I was way too sensitive about this and it dated back to our rather strange and unhappy childhoods.

I called him at home and we talking openly for almost 90 minutes about some things. Mom had died about 10 years prior and this let us talk more openly about failings both our parents had and that we had to let go of some feelings of emotional abandonment from both our parents.

We both spoke more honestly to each then we had in our entire lives. When I hung up the phone, I was ready to let go of my emotional baggage and try to be a good sister.

Thanks for sharing this. Definitely something for me to think about. I do not want to get hung up on a relatively trivial perceived slight when it comes to something as important as the relationship with a close family member.

I do think the brain is smart and there reason the brain is bothered by the wedding gift. Maybe just listen to your brain instead of retraining it.

Makes sense, thanks. I will dig a little deeper to see what might be lurking underneath the surface here.

 

[lucky penny]

There are very few good reasons I can think of that would justify souring a relationship with a sibling. This is not one of them.

I would trade a living cheapskate sibling who is otherwise on good relations with me and mine for what I have today - a sibling I can only visit at the cemetery.

Well said, Chuckanut.

OP, if you lost your sibling tomorrow you won't be thinking about the value of his gifts.

 

[pacman1234]

I personally dislike receiving and giving gifts and find the whole process stressful due to people having expectations. My wife and I pretty much give somewhere between $200-$300 for all the weddings we attend. We don't round up or down depending on how much we like or dislike the people. In all honesty, we probably give more when the stock market is up since we are feeling extra generous (embarrassing, I know). At our own wedding, some people gave less and others more and none of that bothered me. I was mostly grateful that people took time to celebrate and show their support for us.

 

[Calico]

I wouldn't read anything into it. If I were to make any judgement on anyone involved in this story, it wouldn't be the sibling.

+100

 

[ivinsfan]

After baring my emotional soul, another thought came into my mind.
Is it possible your brother is an "all hat no cattle" type guy.


Maybe all his spend is CC spend and when he needs to come up with greenbacks things get tight?


After all to give a cash gift your actually need cash in hand or in the bank...


This would be a simple explaination and jive with his spouse saying she needed to work until 90...

 

[ivinsfan]

I wouldn't read anything into it. If I were to make any judgement on anyone involved in this story, it wouldn't be the sibling.

I dunno about you but I'm pretty happy that I don't get judged on the thoughts in my head. Some of them pop up out of nowhere and make no sense.


Or maybe I'm the only person that happens to.

 

[travelover]

I'll offer some perspective. I've got four siblings and I haven't heard from three of them in years and the fourth I hear from on Christmas and on our birthdays. Relationships can be fragile and I wouldn't screw this one up over basically nothing.

It seems like weddings are designed to join couples and generate long term family grudges over whatever slights can be garnered from the forced interactions. Forget it, move on, life is short.

 

[retire-early]

Maybe the spouse didn't want to give more.

 

[rodi]

Well, honestly, I wouldn't have started this thread if it had been a larger amount. And, in case I haven't been clear about it, the actual dollar amount is irrelevant. It's the amount relative to what I see this sibling spending in day-to-day regular life, or relative to more run-of-the-mill things like birthday gifts, that I find so puzzling.





Ultimately, yes, of course I'll have to just let it go. I do have a very good relationship with this sibling, and I know the dollar amount of this gift is not indicative of the value of that relationship. I can't help but wonder if perhaps there was some sort of argument or disagreement between sibling and spouse that led to the meagerness of this gift. Given everything else I know to be true about our relationship and the positive, exuberant feelings that have been expressed about this marriage, it's hard for me to believe that sibling genuinely would have felt this gift to be generous and thoughtful enough for the occasion. Sibling is well known within the larger family as a "gift-giver".

I assume your sibling is happy for you, and has shown you this (emotionally). You say you're close. You also say your sibling is still working and knows you're FIREd.

Here's an alternate idea of where the $ amount came from. I know when I was younger/poorer if I gave cash, I made sure it was enough to cover my presence at the wedding/reception. Or at least what I thought they were spending per person. So typically $100/person (IOW $200 if I brought a date.) Could that be the thinking?

Alternate idea #2 - your sibling has no clue what is appropriate. (I am a terrible gift chooser and sometimes have no idea what I should give in terms of money or gift.

You are comparing this to a hotel stay, or nice meal out... I don't think that's a valid comparison. See alternate ideas above.

But, as others have said - I wouldn't stress about this. Especially if your sibling showed you/told you how happy they are for you.

Congrats on your nuptials. I was late to marriage (38 when I married, hubby was 47 - first marriage for both of us). 21 years later still enjoying life with my husband and no regrets.