Wedding gift disenchantment

[W2R]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle?

I'd feel grateful that my sibling thought of me and selected a gift for me. That would seem really nice to me.

But then, I don't consider money spent on a gift, to be proportional to love felt by the giver. How can you put a dollar value on love? I also feel that expectations such as those you mention are not just useless and illogical, but also pretty tacky.

Not meaning to be hypercritical - - I don't know you or your sibling, but was just trying to answer your question about how I would feel.

 

[Dtail]

Let it go, but see what happens next time.

 

[Amethyst]

Since the relationship is otherwise close, why don't you just ask? If he knows you that well, and was sending a message, maybe he's wondering if you even noticed his gesture.

Or maybe he left the whole gift-giving business up to your SIL.

You didn't do something bigotry-triggering, did you, such as marry out of your age range, social class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. etc.? Southerner marrying a Yankee?

Bingo. Except I wouldn't say that my sibling doesn't value me. The relationship is very good, as I've repeatedly said. It's just that maybe there's an "asterisk" there that I never really realized until now. What that asterisk is all about, and what it means exactly, I don't know.

 

[Sojourner]

How can you put a dollar value on love?

I don't. Nowhere in this thread have I said anything like that. Even if my sibling had given only $10, I would still be 100% certain of the love between us.

I also feel that expectations such as those you mention are not just useless and illogical, but also pretty tacky.

Not meaning to be hypercritical - - I don't know you or your sibling, but was just trying to answer your question about how I would feel.

I appreciate your not wanting to be hypercritical, but I don't think the word "tacky" can be taken in anything other than a pretty negative, judgmental way. And I'm getting that feeling from a few other responses, too, where it seems like I'm the bad guy for having any sort of expectations about a wedding gift from my dearest, closest, wealthiest sibling. If feeling a bit slighted and disenchanted is enough to bring on the condemnation I've gotten from several posters, then I suppose this forum is populated with more saints and paragons of virtue than I thought. But I did start this thread with eyes wide open, and I'm trying to have thick skin.

Unfortunately, anonymous internet forums can be fairly myopic and quite bad at conveying one's true character, beliefs, and values. I would go to the ends of the earth for my sibling, and vice versa, and an underwhelming wedding gift will not change that one bit.

 

[travelover]

........ And I'm getting that feeling from a few other responses, too, where it seems like I'm the bad guy for having any sort of expectations about a wedding gift from my dearest, closest, wealthiest sibling..........

You asked for advice and though I'm sure your hurt is real, sometimes we need to clear away the filter of our own emotions and look at the big picture. Look at it from your sibling's perspective. He / she gave a gift with the best intentions and well wishes and you are questioning it and trying to find a faulty intent behind the choice. If you love and respect this sibling, then honor their judgment and intent by accepting their decision. Nothing good will come out of doing otherwise.

 

[Sojourner]

Look at it from your sibling's perspective. He / she gave a gift with the best intentions and well wishes and you are questioning it and trying to find a faulty intent behind the choice. If you love and respect this sibling, then honor their judgment and intent by accepting their decision. Nothing good will come out of doing otherwise.

Thanks. This is a helpful perspective. Exactly what I was looking for when I started the thread.

(FWIW, I wouldn't say that I'm "trying" to find a faulty intent. I'm actually trying my hardest not to find one, and responses like yours are helping.)

 

[athena53]

I took the OP's post more as a statement of curiosity- it seemed out of line with past practice.

My wedding gifts are a function of my closeness to the couple, sometimes with extra thrown in if I think they're struggling financially. It's not even related to how lavish the wedding is.

If I were the OP I'd let it go but take a close look at the big picture and see if something has gone wrong with the relationship. Maybe the sibling just had some major financial shock the OP doesn't know about and decided the OP didn't need a more generous gift.

 

[Sojourner]

I took the OP's post more as a statement of curiosity- it seemed out of line with past practice.

That's pretty accurate. More precisely worded, it found it incommensurate with both long-standing and recent gift-giving (and spending) practices.

If I were the OP I'd let it go but take a close look at the big picture and see if something has gone wrong with the relationship. Maybe the sibling just had some major financial shock the OP doesn't know about and decided the OP didn't need a more generous gift.

Nothing that I know of has gone wrong with the relationship. There has been nothing but unbridled harmony, exuberance, and happiness surrounding the engagement and the wedding. I'm also completely unaware of any financial shock in sibling's world, and actually there have been statements to the contrary in recent months. The puzzle, fundamentally, remains.

 

[Walt34]

Interesting discussion.

Today DW and I celebrated 33 years of wedded bliss, we just went out for a late lunch/early dinner.

I was just trying to remember what different people gave us for wedding presents, and I haven't the foggiest idea of who gave what, or even what any of the gifts were. I only remember who was there and that everyone enjoyed the party.

Which is, I think, kind of the point of a wedding celebration.

Let it go. As others suggested if there is a serious rift it will manifest itself again in other ways. And if it doesn't, then the gift doesn't matter.

 

[Calico]

That's pretty accurate. More precisely worded, it found it incommensurate with both long-standing and recent gift-giving (and spending) practices.

Nothing that I know of has gone wrong with the relationship. There has been nothing but unbridled harmony, exuberance, and happiness surrounding the engagement and the wedding. I'm also completely unaware of any financial shock in sibling's world, and actually there have been statements to the contrary in recent months. The puzzle, fundamentally, remains.

If that is the case, this would mark the first time in the history of humankind where that occurred in the lead up to a wedding.

 

[Golden sunsets]

DH and I used to give wedding gifts based on Miss Manners math, which was based loosely on the cost per head for the event, and ranged from $100/head back in the day to perhaps $150/head today( It's been a few years,, so it may be up to $200/head in our geographic area by now). That would have been for non family acquaintances. We would bump it up a notch for close friends, family(except children), or children of close friends, etc. Perhaps $500. Neither DH nor I have siblings, so no experience there. I'd say a minimum of $500. Does that seem too little to you OP?



But, but, but. You are retired and they are not, right? That could color their thinking.

You've not gone through this before, but I recall to this day, the out of range wedding gifts, both on the high side and the low side from our wedding in 1980. Not everyone thinks alike. I remember one extremely close friend gave us nothing. To this day I remember that fact.

My advice is forget about it.

 

[Sojourner]

If that is the case, this would mark the first time in the history of humankind where that occurred in the lead up to a wedding.

OK, then, more accurately stated: There has been nothing but unbridled harmony, exuberance, and happiness between me and my sibling in the days since we announced the engagement and leading up to the wedding. If there are/were any bad feelings, they have been thoroughly covered up, hidden, or suppressed.

 

[Palmtree]

It may just be their standard wedding gift. Let's just say that two or more of her friends or relatives have gotten married in the last year or so. They gave $XXX amount to each of them. You got married and so, without thinking or discussing about it much, they gave you their standard amount and didn't give it another thought. As should you.

 

[Sojourner]

Perhaps $500. Neither DH nor I have siblings, so no experience there. I'd say a minimum of $500. Does that seem too little to you OP?

I agree with your math wholeheartedly, GS. If it had been $500, I never would have started this thread.

 

[athena53]

I'd say a minimum of $500. Does that seem too little to you OP?

Dayum . I’d say if I remarry I’m sending you an invite! My limit is $200 and that’s most recently been for nieces and nephews.

 

[Amethyst]

See the topmost quote in my sig line.

I dunno about you but I'm pretty happy that I don't get judged on the thoughts in my head. Some of them pop up out of nowhere and make no sense.


Or maybe I'm the only person that happens to.

 

[Gumby]

Our standard gift for nieces and nephews has been $1000. All have been first weddings of young couples (the nephew who got married last week was 24 and his bride was 22), and we know from experience that new young couples face a raft of expenses setting up a house together. We can afford it and we are glad to help them get started. It has nothing to do with how fancy the wedding is, or even how close we are to them. I don't have any idea what their expectations were, but they would be hard pressed to draw a conclusion about our feelings from the size of the gift alone.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

I think OP's sibling is his sister, not a brother and it was mentioned early on that siblings spouse had made somewhat snide comments about OP's early retirement. If there is any jealousy there, maybe the husband made a big deal of it and told his wife give him "X" dollars, he doesn't need our money and his sister went along with it to keep the peace at home never thinking that you would even notice. If that was the case, would you even care, would you even be surprised?
I say let it go, you don't need the money and you certainly don't want to lose your relationship with your sibling over such a trivial matter.
Weddings are notoriously stressful for everyone involved, your anxiety is probably in overdrive right now.

 

[rodi]

Dayum . I’d say if I remarry I’m sending you an invite! My limit is $200 and that’s most recently been for nieces and nephews.

Our standard gift for nieces and nephews has been $1000. All have been first weddings of young couples (the nephew who got married last week was 24 and his bride was 22), and we know from experience that new young couples face a raft of expenses setting up a house together. We can afford it and we are glad to help them get started. It has nothing to do with how fancy the wedding is, or even how close we are to them. I don't have any idea what their expectations were, but they would be hard pressed to draw a conclusion about our feelings from the size of the gift alone.

I'm inviting Gumby if I ever get remarried.

 

[jollystomper]

I would just let it go, but then I just was not raised to view the closeness of a relationship in terms of money I am close enough to our siblings so that we stopped exchanging gifts close to 30 years ago. It was too much hassle, and we agreed there were (and have been) many other ways to show our love to each other. It just better, in my view, not to have any "gifting" expectation from each other.

Our standard gift for nieces and nephews has been $1000. All have been first weddings of young couples (the nephew who got married last week was 24 and his bride was 22), and we know from experience that new young couples face a raft of expenses setting up a house together. We can afford it and we are glad to help them get started. It has nothing to do with how fancy the wedding is, or even how close we are to them. I don't have any idea what their expectations were, but they would be hard pressed to draw a conclusion about our feelings from the size of the gift alone.

This is our standard too. We have even gifted to a couple of nephews who essentially "eloped" and did not have a ceremony. As Gumby said, we can afford it, and for starting out in their marriage the gifts are wildly appreciated .

 

[Sojourner]

I would just let it go, but then I just was not raised to view the closeness of a relationship in terms of money

Neither was I raised like that, and indeed I emphatically do NOT measure the closeness of relationships that way. Nowhere in this thread have I said that I am judging or measuring how much my sibling loves me based on the size of the wedding gift.

 

[travelover]

.......... I remember one extremely close friend gave us nothing. To this day I remember that fact.

My advice is forget about it.

That would be my advice to you, too.

 

[W2R]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle?

I would just let it go, but then I just was not raised to view the closeness of a relationship in terms of money

Neither was I raised like that, and indeed I emphatically do NOT measure the closeness of relationships that way. Nowhere in this thread have I said that I am judging or measuring how much my sibling loves me based on the size of the wedding gift.

Why is the amount he spent on his gift a problem, then? Maybe that is worth elaborating on a bit. It seems like several of us well meaning folks out here in internet-land just don't understand your thoughts on this.

 

[ivinsfan]

That's pretty accurate. More precisely worded, it found it incommensurate with both long-standing and recent gift-giving (and spending) practices.



Nothing that I know of has gone wrong with the relationship. There has been nothing but unbridled harmony, exuberance, and happiness surrounding the engagement and the wedding. I'm also completely unaware of any financial shock in sibling's world, and actually there have been statements to the contrary in recent months. The puzzle, fundamentally, remains.

One spouse SIL says they will need to work until 90 and then they are apparently talking about how well off they are?


OP in your shoes I'd be inclined to chalk it up to something financial going on that you are not privy to and if you can, shrug it off.


In my mind that's a more likely explanation then it being a deliberate thing.


Once again to some posters here, is OK for Soj to think to himself my brother who I love dearly and seems to be really rich, gave me X dollars. Hope that doesn't mean he not happy for me or doesn't like my wife ...in his mind it's an oddity and oddity make us wonder.



Don't pummel him so hard.

 

[jollystomper]

Neither was I raised like that, and indeed I emphatically do NOT measure the closeness of relationships that way. Nowhere in this thread have I said that I am judging or measuring how much my sibling loves me based on the size of the wedding gift.

Your original post used the phrase "less" than you were expecting - in my view, expecting anything implies a level of measurement of that relationship.