Wedding gift disenchantment

[Sojourner]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle? Let's say the gift amounted to about the same as the sibling and spouse would spend on a typical dinner out at a decently nice restaurant. Or that the gift was less than the one-night cost of a hotel where they'd typically stay while traveling or vacationing. This is a sibling you are very close to, spend many hours per year (happily) with, and there is no strain or trouble (that you're aware of) in the relationship. Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

 

[RunningBum]

I wouldn't read anything into it. If I were to make any judgement on anyone involved in this story, it wouldn't be the sibling.

 

[Ready]

I have enough money to buy whatever I need so I really prefer that people not give me gifts. It’s usually something I have no need for. So if they give me something small it’s perfectly fine with me. I would not read anything into it.

 

[Aerides]

If you are THAT close, enough to say "have I offended in some way to warrant this paltry offering?" and know that you'd joke about it later, go ahead and say something like that.

But if you have to be subtle, nope. If you can't really say something like "hey what is up with this?" then no. You let it go. You don't even spend another minute on it, you don't gossip and wonder why, or try to read into it, or think less of them. If you don't, it will sour your relationship.

If it's only this one gesture, it's meaningless. If there's more to it, it will manifest in other ways, or would have already.

 

[Sojourner]

If you are THAT close, enough to say "have I offended in some way to warrant this paltry offering?" and know that you'd joke about it later, go ahead and say something like that.

But if you have to be subtle, nope. If you can't really say something like "hey what is up with this?" then no. You let it go. You don't even spend another minute on it, you don't gossip and wonder why, or try to read into it, or think less of them. If you don't, it will sour your relationship.

If it's only this one gesture, it's meaningless. If there's more to it, it will manifest in other ways, or would have already.

Thanks, this is good advice.

 

[Sunset]

We have had some wedding invitations with Crazy Wild expectations and others reasonable ones.. A bit too little info.

The other issue is counting the value of each gift is like equating $$ to love.

Finally I know, for a wedding when the folks are new kids just starting out, they really NEED things/etc.... for a couple of middle-age or older folks , they already own everything needed and have (should have) good sized bank accounts.
I tend to gift more on the ones that NEED more than the older ones.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

If you are THAT close, enough to say "have I offended in some way to warrant this paltry offering?" and know that you'd joke about it later, go ahead and say something like that.

But if you have to be subtle, nope. If you can't really say something like "hey what is up with this?" then no. You let it go. You don't even spend another minute on it, you don't gossip and wonder why, or try to read into it, or think less of them. If you don't, it will sour your relationship.

If it's only this one gesture, it's meaningless. If there's more to it, it will manifest in other ways, or would have already.

I agree wholeheartedly.

However, how does this sibling gift during the holidays? I think this would be somewhat telling as to the "normal" behavior. Also, I would assume this sibling knows you are FIREd and I *assume* they are still w*rking? That could also add something to the mix.

One more add: Since I know the OP, could the reason be your age/station in life? I simply ask because sometimes folks assume the older you are, the less gifts you would "need."

 

[lucky penny]

...If it's only this one gesture, it's meaningless. If there's more to it, it will manifest in other ways, or would have already.

Let it go.

 

[pacergal]

I do not gift as much at Second marriages , not because I think less of the couple, but more because generally, they have already enough to start life (household goods, etc) and are usually older.
The card and gift is a token, really to let folks share in your happiness.
Now, if something else is going on between you and sibling, it has either shown up already, or may in the future. Then it can be addressed.
For now, be happy with your new wife and life!

 

[Amethyst]

You didn't say what the item was. Maybe they thought it was perfect for you? Was it something you really don't like, or are you just annoyed they didn't spend?

 

[Sojourner]

However, how does this sibling gift during the holidays? I think this would be somewhat telling as to the "normal" behavior.

This sibling spends around 3/4 as much on typical Christmas gifts as on the wedding gift in question. And recently, I have seen this sibling tip the wait staff at a restaurant/bar almost as much as was spent on the wedding gift. That tip was easily 5x the amount one would typically tip (even generously) in that situation.

Also, I would assume this sibling knows you are FIREd and I *assume* they are still w*rking? That could also add something to the mix.

Yes, sibling definitely knows about my FIRE status, and sibling is still working.

One more add: Since I know the OP, could the reason be your age/station in life? I simply ask because sometimes folks assume the older you are, the less gifts you would "need."

This has crossed my mind, for sure. But it doesn't really comport with how much gets spent by the sibling on other, run-of-the-mill gifts (Christmas, birthday).

Another factor in all this is looking at the sibling's gift in relation to other gifts received. A much less "well to do" cousin who lives in another state and is not that close (only a few hours spent talking/together every few years) gave a gift very nearly as "nice" as the sibling's gift. And more distant cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. gave unexpectedly generous gifts, too. Enough to make sibling's gift seem noticeably—almost comically—stingy.

 

[Sojourner]

You didn't say what the item was. Maybe they thought it was perfect for you? Was it something you really don't like, or are you just annoyed they didn't spend?

It was money. And it's not that I'm "annoyed", exactly. Just really puzzled and, as the thread title says, disenchanted. I honestly would be happier right now if I had not gotten anything from this sibling, because at least then I could tell myself they simply forgot or overlooked it by mistake.

 

[easysurfer]

Let it go.

+1

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

This sibling spends around 3/4 as much on typical Christmas gifts as on the wedding gift in question. And recently, I have seen this sibling tip the wait staff at a restaurant/bar almost as much as was spent on the wedding gift. That tip was easily 5x the amount one would typically tip (even generously) in that situation.



Yes, sibling definitely knows about my FIRE status, and sibling is still working.



This has crossed my mind, for sure. But it doesn't really comport with how much gets spent by the sibling on other, run-of-the-mill gifts (Christmas, birthday).

Another factor in all this is looking at the sibling's gift in relation to other gifts received. A much less "well to do" cousin who lives in another state and is not that close (only a few hours spent talking/together every few years) gave a gift very nearly as "nice" as the sibling's gift. And more distant cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. gave unexpectedly generous gifts, too. Enough to make sibling's gift seem noticeably—almost comically—stingy.

Well, the only other thing I *think* it might be is your choice in bride...perhaps a little passive aggressive move on his/her part? Have they done this in the past with some of your decisions? I have other thoughts, but will probably sent that via PM.

 

[Amethyst]

1. Money, hmmm. The universal gift...and the one that takes the least thought. Assuming a traditional American upbringing (I don't know yours), people typically give money to those who have less (kids, grads, first-time newlyweds, needy parents).
If it had been a much larger amount, would you like it better?

2. You're spending an awful lot of energy analyzing this gift, comparing it to what others have gotten. Once we all grew up, I daresay neither of my siblings would notice what anybody spent on anybody, unless they bought them a car or a giant diamond, or such. Let it go! If your sibling didn't approve of your marriage, you'd already have an inkling. Let. It. Go.

It was money. .

 

[Gremlin]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle? Let's say the gift amounted to about the same as the sibling and spouse would spend on a typical dinner out at a decently nice restaurant. Or that the gift was less than the one-night cost of a hotel where they'd typically stay while traveling or vacationing. This is a sibling you are very close to, spend many hours per year (happily) with, and there is no strain or trouble (that you're aware of) in the relationship. Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

I’d recommend being grateful for the gift and let it go. Why “read” anything into it at all? How they TREAT you is the real marker to pay attention to.

 

[Chuckanut]

There are very few good reasons I can think of that would justify souring a relationship with a sibling. This is not one of them.

I would trade a living cheapskate sibling who is otherwise on good relations with me and mine for what I have today - a sibling I can only visit at the cemetery.

 

[Sojourner]

1. Money, hmmm. ... If it had been a much larger amount, would you like it better?

Well, honestly, I wouldn't have started this thread if it had been a larger amount. And, in case I haven't been clear about it, the actual dollar amount is irrelevant. It's the amount relative to what I see this sibling spending in day-to-day regular life, or relative to more run-of-the-mill things like birthday gifts, that I find so puzzling.

Let it go! If your sibling didn't approve of your marriage, you'd already have an inkling. Let. It. Go.

I’d recommend being grateful for the gift and let it go. Why “read” anything into it at all? How they TREAT you is the real marker to pay attention to.

Ultimately, yes, of course I'll have to just let it go. I do have a very good relationship with this sibling, and I know the dollar amount of this gift is not indicative of the value of that relationship. I can't help but wonder if perhaps there was some sort of argument or disagreement between sibling and spouse that led to the meagerness of this gift. Given everything else I know to be true about our relationship and the positive, exuberant feelings that have been expressed about this marriage, it's hard for me to believe that sibling genuinely would have felt this gift to be generous and thoughtful enough for the occasion. Sibling is well known within the larger family as a "gift-giver".

 

[JT90505]

Let it go 2

Let it go.

Absolutely let it go. Is this something you really want to create a potentially awkward situation over?

Don't overthink it.

 

[Gumby]

I never expect gifts of any amount for any occasion. In fact, throughout my life, I have not actually enjoyed receiving gifts. But, in light of the fact that virtually everyone (including me) enjoys giving, I am gracious and thankful to people who do give me things.

As others have suggested, I would just skip the drama, say thank you and let it go.

 

[travelover]

At this stage in my life, I don't expect gifts and can buy anything I want. It would be hard to buy anything for me and I can see where one might be tempted to gift money, though, I don't need that either. With close relatives we have agreed to just quit with the gifts, as a sincere card or note is more appreciated.


Maybe you are in this position, too.

 

[wmc1000]

Maybe the sibling just feels that since you are FIRE'd and he isn't you are already set for life, no financial needs, so a gift that would let you and the bride go get a nice dinner is enough?

 

[Bestwifeever]

Is this your first wedding? I'd probably give less for that than for a first marriage, and I'm definitely the most generous person in my and DH's family. Plus I don't keep track of who gives me what (or what I give to other people), so I'd send a sincere thank you letter for anything.

 

[Sojourner]

Absolutely let it go. This this something you really want to create a potentially awkward situation over?

No, the last thing I want is for this to create any tension or awkwardness in my relationship with my sibling. But, the way I feel right now, I don't see how to just "get over it". It's there, it's in my head, and I can't unring that bell. Every time my sibling (or anyone in sibling's immediate family) mentions the wedding to me, I will reflexively think back on the gift. I imagine my feelings of disenchantment will diminish with time, but I'd prefer to figure out a way to deal with it sooner, and less passively. Looking for ideas and suggestions on how to do that. Thus, I started this thread.

 

[Sojourner]

Is this your first wedding? I'd probably give less for that than for a first marriage, and I'm definitely the most generous person in my and DH's family. Plus I don't keep track of who gives me what (or what I give to other people), so I'd send a sincere thank you letter for anything.

This is my first wedding, and my sibling knows the long struggle I've had over many years to find that special someone. Which is yet another reason I'm puzzled about the gift.