I'm a saver, she's a spender

[W2R]

Another compatible woman is not hard to find seeing that there are:

Around 49.6 percent of the world's population is female, with a total female population of 3,710,295,643.

Subtract one: I'm not available. 3,710,295,642.

 

[brett]

Danger.

Hold on to your wallet (very tightly) and run.

Never expect that a person will change. It happens, marriage won't make it happen.

 

[haha]

Reno-Jay might have got all he wants of us. On a broader scale, does it ever make sense to tie up with someone that you have important issues with?

 

[Bigdawg]

I don't think she meant it the way you are thinking.

sarcasm

 

[Amethyst]

I see your sarcasm and raise you silliness

sarcasm

 

[travelover]

So....are we approaching a consensus, yet?

 

[NW-Bound]

I re-read the OP's post.

It does not look like that they are cohabitating. The joint account is only for activities they do together, like eating out or traveling, etc..., not for living expenses.

Given that he is already irritated by her comments, whether he or she is right there seems to be a problem with compatibility and if it is severe, the relationship may not progress further.

 

[Olbidness]

I don't know if the group here has helped the OP, but they have certainly helped me. I had an Ex show up on my doorstep last week and I'm sure she was testing me for a do-over. Similar circumstances which led to her being an Ex.
I was second guessing myself, but not now.
Somehow seeing the responses on the screen had the ring of truth. It's sad but facts are stubborn things.

 

[Ready]

In all fairness, the OP opened his post indicating that he wanted advice.

True, but I bet he's regretting it now. He seems to have disappeared.

My experience is that most people who ask for relationship advice really don't want it, especially when it conflicts with what they want to hear.

 

[MarieIG]

So....are we approaching a consensus, yet?

Well yes WE are. In the meantime OP is out on a date with GF. He's telling her to skip the appetizer and she's calling him cheap.

 

[aja8888]

I don't know if the group here has helped the OP, but they have certainly helped me. I had an Ex show up on my doorstep last week and I'm sure she was testing me for a do-over. Similar circumstances which led to her being an Ex.
I was second guessing myself, but not now.
Somehow seeing the responses on the screen had the ring of truth. It's sad but facts are stubborn things.

One of my friends married the ex and then divorced her again. Rinse and repeat was not much fun for him.

 

[Calico]

Well yes WE are. In the meantime OP is out on a date with GF. He's telling her to skip the appetizer and she's calling him cheap.

 

[Olbidness]

One of my friends married the ex and then divorced her again. Rinse and repeat was not much fun for him.

Oh no, Ex girlfriend not Ex wife. No way would I remarry the Ex wife. Occasionally I have a nightmare that I've remarried the Ex wife, I think it's something like PTSD.

 

[aja8888]

Oh no, Ex girlfriend not Ex wife. No way would I remarry the Ex wife. Occasionally I have a nightmare that I've remarried the Ex wife, I think it's something like PTSD.

Oh, you had me shocked.

Not too many people will actually marry the ex-spouse, but it does happen. Strangely enough, he still has a sweet spot for her and helps her out financially from time to time. I think he is nuts, but what do I know.

 

[REWahoo]

Not too many people will actually marry the ex-spouse, but it does happen.

Yep, it does. My sister married her second ex-spouse and was separated from him when he became seriously ill and died. No, I don't think she poisoned him...

 

[Looking4Ward]

I hope the sex is good because it sounds like the rest of the relationship sucks.

 

[tps7742]

You did ask, tell her "well bye!"

 

[Amethyst]

The whole thing does remind me of Mr. A. and myself, 30+ years ago. He was a spender, I was a saver. But we had very similar views about credit and debt. One is a tool; the other is a burden. So once we were married and had similar goals, he took on more of my frugal ways. Oh, and he did make some remarks to the effect that I could dress better. I wasn't the least offended. In fact, I took him up on it and started spending more on clothes and hair care. He liked it. So did I!

If there *is* a bottom line, it is that if you have differences, you'd better work 'em out. And to do that, you have to actually like each other. I have a theory that by the time somebody gets to the point of writing to an advice columnist - or an ER forum - about a relationship, the people involved have started to dislike each other (as opposed to getting on each other's nerves, which is not the same thing).

 

[RenoJay]

Hi, I’m the OP. Thanks for all the comments, particularly the ones that called me out and recognized that these things are not always as simple as they seem. I’m a weird kind of frugal…constant spending on little things bothers me. It feels like sitting in a cab in NYC in traffic with the meter running. I’d much rather give someone a lump sum and say, “Enjoy this, spend it how you choose.” This will be my final comment on this thread, but I just wanted to address a few things:

1. The reason for the joint account is that I’ve found people are much more diligent with their own money than with others’ money. That’s proven true in this case, as we’ve come in way under budget since putting the account into place. Also, given my “weird kind of frugal” mentioned above, putting in $X/month feels much better to me than just grabbing the check at dinner when we go out. It puts a cap on my monthly spend so I can forget about it. Even if it costs more per month, I relax more with this system.

2. The earnings discussion wasn’t explicit, but stuff just sort of comes out after a certain number of months. I’m not into keeping secrets from those I’m very close to.

3. Early on, I nearly quit my day job when the b.s. bucket got high. My GF’s response, which I found quite endearing, was, “Ok, then we’ll start eating a McDonalds. Do what you need to do.” I liked that response a lot.

4. She likes my kids and they like her.

5. It’s the snippy comments which are the issue to me. Clearly we need to have a heart to heart about core values. I find snippy comments usually fly when you inherently are judging someone else’s core values and are trying to find a middle ground. Granted, she’s not the first person to call me frugal (another friend made a snippy comment to me over the weekend) so I have some soul-searching to do myself, about finding the right balance of being true to my values vs. loosening up a little and fitting into the actual world, not the idealistic one I have in my head where everyone thinks like I do. The general logic is that being frugal is great during accumulation so that you can live better later. For me, it’s “later” and I’m trying to find that right balance while being true to myself and also not being a drag on those I care about. In a similar vein, my dad is extremely generous in that he paid for my education, lent me money for my first house (and didn’t hassle me for a return of the funds until I offered, years after selling the house) and plans to leave a big inheritance. BUT, when we go to a restaurant, I get a little embarrassed about how closely he scrutinizes the bill, how his clothes look like they’re from the dumpster behind goodwill, etc. So I get the point that people have made about me. For some of us, there’s pride in exemplifying the Millionaire Next Door, but for those around us, it can be a bit much.

6. For those who suggested, “Just find someone else,” trust me, I dated a lot. The challenge with dating a lot during your life is that ultimately each relationship ends for a reason. Eventually, you end up with a huge list of “deal-killers” that makes it very challenging to find an actual live, human-being who doesn’t have at least one of them. So my goal in large part is to learn to be accepting of others, and only push back if something truly violates my values. I’m still figuring that out in this case. Again, it’s the snippy comments, and not anything about the actual spending, that bothers me. Overall, she stays within budget and does pay for her own condo, life, etc.

7. There were a few comments about gambling. Yeah, I find it pointless, too. She finds it entertaining, as do many people I know here in Nevada, and she puts a reasonable cap on what she'll lose in a night. I don't love it, but it's not an out-of-control kind of thing.

Thanks again! Now I hope someone else will share some juicy personal stuff so I can participate in the advice.

 

[haha]

Thanks again! Now I hope someone else will share some juicy personal stuff so I can participate in the advice.

Much more fun to give advice than to hear it from others, that's for sure!

 

[bclover]

Wow, pretty unequivocal advice. Thanks guys. I'll take it into consideration.

Jeez, Reno.

I guess I'll be the voice of opposition. first of all, I always say it scares me how quickly people will kick someone to the curb at the first hint of trouble.

Seriously.

I was married for 33 years, we would never had made it if my husband had the attitude of others here. first personality different..DIVORCE...

So I'll start with a basic question.

Evidently you love SOMETHING about this person or it never would have lasted a year. what you need to decide is how much that person means to you. Is she worth the effort to make it work? only you can decide that.

I am a proud spender, my husband loved me madly and I brang (whats the past tense of bring, darn it) many fine qualities to the marriage. for example even though I'm a spender, I get the best bang for the buck. I look for sales, etc etc where my husband would not.

anyhoo, my concern is the "snide" remarks and the belittling. that is a no-no making some one feel bad is never the way to a happy home. so I'd address that.
Call her out on it, I'm a Native New Yorker so I'd admit to saying some snarky thing or another thinking I'm "witty"
So next time she makes a remark about the way you dress, challenge it. In my church I counsel "youngins" and I'm always amazed at how one partner will say they were furious with their spouse and I'll say "what did he say when you told him" only to be told "I never said anything".

good luck

edited to add: Once my hubby and I had a chat about money and spending, we ended up with a lot in common. we both were big "goal" setters, we both had no problem with working towards those goals and we both agreed to talk instead of letting stuff fester. so no one was thinking of "getting a new" anything.

 

[Amethyst]

#4 is huge. YUUGE. But you knew that.

Ouch!

Hi, I’m the OP. Thanks for all the comments, particularly the ones that called me out and recognized that these things are not always as simple as they seem. I’m a weird kind of frugal…constant spending on little things bothers me. It feels like sitting in a cab in NYC in traffic with the meter running. I’d much rather give someone a lump sum and say, “Enjoy this, spend it how you choose.” This will be my final comment on this thread, but I just wanted to address a few things:

1. The reason for the joint account is that I’ve found people are much more diligent with their own money than with others’ money. That’s proven true in this case, as we’ve come in way under budget since putting the account into place. Also, given my “weird kind of frugal” mentioned above, putting in $X/month feels much better to me than just grabbing the check at dinner when we go out. It puts a cap on my monthly spend so I can forget about it. Even if it costs more per month, I relax more with this system.

2. The earnings discussion wasn’t explicit, but stuff just sort of comes out after a certain number of months. I’m not into keeping secrets from those I’m very close to.

3. Early on, I nearly quit my day job when the b.s. bucket got high. My GF’s response, which I found quite endearing, was, “Ok, then we’ll start eating a McDonalds. Do what you need to do.” I liked that response a lot.

4. She likes my kids and they like her.

5. It’s the snippy comments which are the issue to me. Clearly we need to have a heart to heart about core values. I find snippy comments usually fly when you inherently are judging someone else’s core values and are trying to find a middle ground. Granted, she’s not the first person to call me frugal (another friend made a snippy comment to me over the weekend) so I have some soul-searching to do myself, about finding the right balance of being true to my values vs. loosening up a little and fitting into the actual world, not the idealistic one I have in my head where everyone thinks like I do. The general logic is that being frugal is great during accumulation so that you can live better later. For me, it’s “later” and I’m trying to find that right balance while being true to myself and also not being a drag on those I care about. In a similar vein, my dad is extremely generous in that he paid for my education, lent me money for my first house (and didn’t hassle me for a return of the funds until I offered, years after selling the house) and plans to leave a big inheritance. BUT, when we go to a restaurant, I get a little embarrassed about how closely he scrutinizes the bill, how his clothes look like they’re from the dumpster behind goodwill, etc. So I get the point that people have made about me. For some of us, there’s pride in exemplifying the Millionaire Next Door, but for those around us, it can be a bit much.

6. For those who suggested, “Just find someone else,” trust me, I dated a lot. The challenge with dating a lot during your life is that ultimately each relationship ends for a reason. Eventually, you end up with a huge list of “deal-killers” that makes it very challenging to find an actual live, human-being who doesn’t have at least one of them. So my goal in large part is to learn to be accepting of others, and only push back if something truly violates my values. I’m still figuring that out in this case. Again, it’s the snippy comments, and not anything about the actual spending, that bothers me. Overall, she stays within budget and does pay for her own condo, life, etc.

7. There were a few comments about gambling. Yeah, I find it pointless, too. She finds it entertaining, as do many people I know here in Nevada, and she puts a reasonable cap on what she'll lose in a night. I don't love it, but it's not an out-of-control kind of thing.

Thanks again! Now I hope someone else will share some juicy personal stuff so I can participate in the advice.

 

[Nemo2]

(whats the past tense of bring, darn it)

"Brungerizated" works for me.

 

[ivinsfan]

Hats off to you OP for coming back. I'm one who said you should just break it off, because you kind of made it sound like the negative comments just came out of nowhere.

a careful reading of you point number 5..leads me to believe her comments probably have some validity. Another friend called you out about being cheap and you have some of the same feelings about your Dad? It's maybe not about the dollar amount but the value you place on what you buy. I could be your Dad except for the Goodwill comment. I happen to be a person that feels eating meals away from home isn't a good value. To me an appetizer is just a thing that God invented to waste money. That's just me..I wouldn't care if I never ate a restaurant meal again.
Have done college for both DD's, paid for 2 very nice weddings, down payments for houses without a second thought. Would give either my kids or Gkids the shirt off my back in an emergency yet when we go out together as a family and I see a 3 digit number on my bill it bugs the heck out of me. BUT I DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MY PROBLEM AND I WANT THEM TO ENJOY THE MEAL.

For a nice GF with her own house, a good job and is good with your kids..this stuff is just the price of poker. Pay it or don't but don't be the guy that pays and then sighs when she order an extra app or drink.

 

[Red Badger]

Hats off to you OP for coming back. I'm one who said you should just break it off, because you kind of made it sound like the negative comments just came out of nowhere.

a careful reading of you point number 5..leads me to believe her comments probably have some validity. Another friend called you out about being cheap and you have some of the same feelings about your Dad? It's maybe not about the dollar amount but the value you place on what you buy. I could be your Dad except for the Goodwill comment. I happen to be a person that feels eating meals away from home isn't a good value. To me an appetizer is just a thing that God invented to waste money. That's just me..I wouldn't care if I never ate a restaurant meal again.
Have done college for both DD's, paid for 2 very nice weddings, down payments for houses without a second thought. Would give either my kids or Gkids the shirt off my back in an emergency yet when we go out together as a family and I see a 3 digit number on my bill it bugs the heck out of me. BUT I DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MY PROBLEM AND I WANT THEM TO ENJOY THE MEAL.

For a nice GF with her own house, a good job and is good with your kids..this stuff is just the price of poker. Pay it or don't but don't be the guy that pays and then sighs when she order an extra app or drink.

+1 on the last paragraph!