Accepting My Mortality

[ExFlyBoy5]

I ran into a guy that I had to do business with the other day in my working days. I sked him if he is retired and he said no. He told me he has 45 years in with the same county job. He said he wants to stay longer than the record holder with the county. That record holder had 45 years and 6 months. He said he would think about retirement when he reaches 45 years and 7 months. Lol

He is 66 or 67 years old now and not a picture of health. I look at people like that and feel sorry for them but again they are doing what they want to do. He will have a great pension and 401K and is very frugal person.

That is the most depressing thing I have read in a long time.

 

[mountainsoft]

Question I have is what is your wife's understanding or feelings of your mortality concerns?

She gets it and feels the same way.

She has had a few health scares over the years, and I suppose we got used to that. But as she said "you never get sick", so I think it was a shock for her too to see me taken away by ambulance. This was complicated by COVID restrictions that prevented her from being with me when I went to the hospital. It was the first time she had been at home alone overnight.

We both have a new outlook on life now and try not to take each other for granted. I'm sure the intensity will fade over time, but despite the scare it has been a bonding experience for both of us. Retirement can't come soon enough... There's so much we want to do together.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Taking medications to keep us alive is a good thing as opposed to not having treatment to keep us healthy.

Last year, a new doctor after seeing a list of my prescriptons said to me that I was taking so many medications and yet I was pretty healthy. I take about 20 pills a day. Taking meds is just a routine which I do not associate with mortaliy. I have a friend who just turned 65, takes 1 medication and whines constantly about needing to take medication. She saw that we carry indivdually pill boxes which a bunch of pills for morning and night and finally asked us last week if they were vitamin supplements. We simply said no and they were medications which we needed.

 

[braumeister]

Having never been in prison, I find it quite easy to accept my morality.

 

[athena53]

Up to a couple of years ago I was "Go, Granny, go". I competed in the local corporate athletic competitions and was still doing sprint triathlons at age 66 and taking hikes with names like "Boulder Bash" up mountains with 30-somethings. I knew it was partly my own efforts- regular exercise, maintaining a healthy weight eating healthy 99% of the time- and the rest was good genes and luck.

A little over a year ago I started having problems with shortness of breath on exertion. In June of last year I was diagnosed with heart valve regurgitation. Ejection fraction is 65-70%, which isn't awful, calcium score is 1 (as in, they found almost none; 100-300 is considered OK) and my cardiologist is VERY supportive of my continued exercise. Echocardiogram results 6 months later showed it was stable and he doesn't want to see me for another year. He said it was just one of those "stuff happens" things- nothing I did caused it.

I turn 69 soon and this has really taken some getting used to. I can still bicycle 18 miles on the level, paved-over RR trail just outside my neighborhood, I did some great kayaking in Alaska but skipped the mountain hikes. My sister, 2 years younger and just as skinny and healthy, had a bout of breast cancer 4 years ago. (Yes, I get extra screening for that.)

It's hard to have to cross some activities off my list and yet I realize how fortunate I am compared to others, many of whom had the same healthy habits but were hit with "stuff happens". I have no aspirations to live past 90 or so- Dad died last year in LTC at 90 and his last year was pretty low quality of life. Same for my maternal grandfather, who lived to 95 and outlived 2 wives and 2 of his 5 children.

I just wish travel would get back to normal- I want to do major trips again and this has really made me realize time may be short before I have to limit my activities further.

 

[Amethyst]

There's just no telling. My dad had a mild heart attack at 50, quit smoking, watched his weight, and Mom watched his diet. Dad survived to 87, only to die from injuries sustained in a car accident (i.e. he could have lived even longer).

His family history was pretty bad. Mother died at 31 (of a disease that is easily treatable today), his father at 55 (cardiac), and every other man (that we know of) in his line died before the age of 50.

Lots of hugs are good for what ails ya, too

Unfortunately, long lives are not in my genes. My dad and uncle both died before they were 51, and my grandparents/great grandparents died in their late 60's or early 70's. So I'm already on borrowed time.

By living a healthier lifestyle I'm hoping for at least mid-70's, but who knows. I could "wake up dead"(?) tomorrow, or last into my 80's or 90's. At 58 I still feel young, I do all the same things I've always done, it just takes me a bit longer now and I'm a bit more tired afterwards.

I'm not afraid of dying, there's just so much life I still want to live. I would much rather die young than live a long drawn out life in poor health.

Realistically, I don't worry too much about the time I have left, but my recent heart situation did scare me. It turned out to be a relatively minor thing, but I couldn't help but think "what if this is it" and life stopped now. If nothing else, it made me appreciate the time I have left, to the point of probably being overly theatrical about making the most of my available time. I'm hugging my wife constantly and letting her know how much she means to me. I'm sure it's getting annoying by now, but I'm just thankful to be alive and have everything I have. She just wants to get her work done.

 

[Retch The Grate]

Yeah, I look at my grandfather on my dad's side and my grandmother on my mom's, both of whom went out in their late 90s after very active and enjoyable old ages as my goal. But my grandfather on my mom's side I never really knew, he died at 50, and my grandmother on my dad's side passed away in her 60s I think and had a not great time with emphysema and a hole in her throat for oxygen.

I've definitely already noticed some of the physical impacts people mention, injuries are more common and last longer, my close in vision started noticeably deteriorating a couple years ago, recuperation from activity takes longer, etc. Hopefully we'll get medical treatments for more of that, but life extension/anti-aging tech hasn't progressed at the rate I hoped for when I was a kid.

Overall I'm hoping I get lucky and live into my late 90s (and I plan for 100 in my optimistic FIRE model), and it is weird to think that at best I am about to hit the halfway point for my very optimistic plan. Life is awesome and I don't want it to end. Fortunately it seems like focusing on learning and novel experiences makes perception of time passing be slower. So when I retire my hope is to fill my life with learning and new activities so as to maximize my experienced time.

 

[mountainsoft]

It's hard to have to cross some activities off my list and yet I realize how fortunate I am compared to others, many of whom had the same healthy habits but were hit with "stuff happens".

First, bravo on your active life style. Sadly I haven't remained as active as I should have. Despite my bad habits I have been blessed with good health anyway. Like you, I have had many friends and family who died early or are battling diseases at much younger ages than me. I really shouldn't cry "woe is me" when they're dealing with much more serious conditions.

We are planning a vacation this summer that we postponed several years ago due to forest fires. Back then I was planning a strenuous 8 mile hike on a steep mountain trail. It would have been beautiful, but I knew it would be beyond our current abilities. We're a little older, a little rounder, with new physical limitations. It's sad to give up on that dream, but I have planned a few short hikes that we should be able to manage. I'm sure we'll still have a great time and make lasting memories.

 

[street]

That is the most depressing thing I have read in a long time.

It is very depressing!! I would no way want that title of the longest person working for the same company. Lol OMG more to life than that record.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Athena, I feel the same about trips. I am going to Ireland in June for 11 days and hoping it really happens.

 

[Koolau]

This subject (mortality) seems to come up in conversation among many of the folks I hang out with (go figure!) I'm guessing at least once a week, I'll find myself saying one of the two following statements:

I don't mind GETTING old. I just mind BEING old.

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of lingering.

With those happy thoughts in mind, I need to check the calendar and see which doc it is I'm supposed to see on Friday. IIRC I now have 7 docs following me. Hooray for Medicare! YMMV

 

[jollystomper]

I have been aware of my mortality from a young age, and at this point am simply grateful from having made it this far. Spending my early years in a neighborhood where one found dead drug addicts ("junkies" in old school parlance) in your apartment hallway, or had a good friend shot to death at age 13, or the times weapons have been used against me ,makes me very aware of it... I did not think I would make it to 18, so making it to 63 has been a blessing that I do not take for granted.

My Dad lived to 72. Mentally I cannot envision living beyond that, even though given my current health I am very likely to. Perhaps because I gained so much respect for him as I got out on my own and really understood the sacrifices he made for me and my siblings. I chatted with my oldest brother when he turned 72 (he and another older brother, who is 71, are my aging "canary in a coal mine" guides ), he also felt strange about reaching the age our dad died at.

I take nothing for granted or entitlement. I'm one of the those who ask "why me?" when good things happen to me, and "why not me?" when bad things happen to others. Regarding aging, I have no complaints about my life, whether I have one more day or live to 100, I have already been blessed in some many ways (which was my dad's attitude when we knew he was dying). I am more concerned with leaving things in an orderly fashion for my family.

 

[aja8888]

I try not to think about how old I am (78) and how short the remaining time is for me (and DW). I hang out with about a dozen "ROMEOS" and we have coffee together every morning at a local Burger King and also take some local trips for lunch occasionally. We also (some of us) play golf each week, given the weather conditions. The group ages are between 60 - 86.

This last year, two members had strokes and are in bad shape, but one guy has almost fully recovered. The other, my neighbor and golf partner, is in assisted living right now trying to get his left side motion back and he lost sight in one eye. Not one member of our group has passed since we started meeting 10 years ago. Some have dropped out, but the "core" fellows are still there.

So it's good to have friends your age and do things together. My DW is in failing health and physically can't do much more than push a walker around the house with an oxygen supply hose in her nose. I am her caretaker, I guess.

A long time ago, 1976, I was in a very bad car accident and almost died. I woke up in the hospital and the first thing I saw was a priest about to give me my last rites. My mind must have been blank at the time and I don't recall much else, but I don't remember being scared or wishing I had taken that vacation to the islands. I guess being in shock is a good thing as you don't feel pain and are kind of oblivious to the surroundings.

I survived the accident and was mended back together through several operations and placement of metal parts here and there over a three year period. I can still see that priest standing over me in the Emergency Room and him saying whatever he was saying. But I don't recall worrying about dying at that time.

 

[Time2]

At 66yrs old, mortality is something I think about, as in, "I probably have about 20 years left" I went through 10 years of back pain which is mostly resolved, a couple years ago I had a shoulder problem, pain and limited motion, 6 weeks of PT took care of that. Then the opposite shoulder did the same, I did my own therapy, it got better, but I still have a slightly limited range, but no pain. In 2021 I did 3 weeks of house rehab and ended up with swollen painful left knee, a course of steroids and that seemed to get better, then on 1/1/2022, I woke up at 2:15 am with a painful right knee, I waited (suffered) 23 days, thinking, it will get better, before going to the orthopedic surgeon. I had a huge limp and basically could not do anything. My thinking, time usually heals, it will get better in 7 days, or if I go to the doc it will be a week! Anyway, doc gave my a steroid shot in the knee, next day, Pain is reduced 90% and mostly no limp. I should have went two week earlier!!!
I'm not highly motivated, but sure looking at an exercise program to keep myself flexible.
I was walking 10 miles a week until I had the first knee problem, 5 months ago and haven't got back to it. I hope to soon.

 

[ddoorn]

I've been living with atrial flutter and a pacemaker for the past 15 years, am 65 now and haven't slowed down too much. I still join with my fellow bike club members on 30-40 mile bike trips in good weather. I overcame the jitters of bicycling while taking blood thinner medications (Eliquis is kinder than wicked Warfarin!) which had me off the bike for much of the season when I first started.

Carpe Diem!

 

[GaryInCO]

I was always pretty healthy, no major problems into my early 60's.

Then 2019 hit. In the space of 6 months:
* Diagnosed with prostate cancer
* Flipped a bike and cracked 5 ribs
* Diagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma, the exact evil stuff that slowly killed my dad. Mayo &etc said it's incurable, expect 2-3 years. Based on my dad's experience, it was NOT going to be pleasant. I expected a gradual slide into greater and greater suffering and disability until death. I was freaking, considering suicide options, etc.
* Several surgeries, biopsies, implanted radioactive pellets in the prostate, etc.
* Minor rotator cuff tear escalated into a frozen shoulder, couldn't lift my hand above elbow-to-shoulder height.
* My mom passed.
* Oh and there was this pandemic thing...

So it was a scary time. I'm not that afraid of dying, but I DON'T want to spend years suffering.

Now I'm 65. Fortunately my oncologist said the Mayo&etc data was outdated. He put me on a new drug regimen -- just a couple of pills every morning, zero side effects -- and it's totally in remission. Doc says that should hold me at least 5 years, and if it quits working, by then there will be better options available. (Thank God for insurance... these drugs are $1000 a DAY.)

So it's time to act like a retired person and enjoy myself. Unfortunately my DW left me 10 yrs ago so I can't do many things I would have liked to, like travel adventures with my bestest buddy and partner-in-crime. I don't like traveling alone, but I would have been doing a lot more trips lately (the bike accident was in Bordeaux, and I was in Tuscany the year before that) but Covid put a kink in those plans. The lymphoma makes me VERY susceptible to Covid, with a 50% fatality rate if I get it. So I've been isolated in my house for 2 years. I am (/was) very social and the enforced isolation is driving me bonkers.

So I can't get into a plane or anything like that. But I'm picking up a new Tesla in March, and I plan to do some road trips and car camping. Gotta get out there and LIVE while I still can.

 

[ERhoosier]

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of lingering.

Amen to that.

 

[ERhoosier]

GaryInCO-


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[Ronstar]

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of lingering.

+1 - And I'm super afraid of going into a nursing home.

 

[razztazz]

So it's time to act like a retired person and enjoy myself.

I can relate to this. I find myself often getting frustrated because "I can't do this, and I can't do that... anymore". But really, I don't know many other 64 yr olds who are still doing them and the few who are, are complaining about it.

 

[51togo]

I turned 58 in November and feel like I'm in fairly good health. I've never had any kind of surgery, never had a major medical concern, and never took any medications until my blood pressure shot up last year. Unfortunately, I have not tolerated the BP meds very well, either they didn't do much of anything, or the side effects were unbearable. After 6 months on Losartan I finally ended up with an irregular heartbeat and a scary 911 ambulance trip to the emergency room. Thankfully it wasn't serious and I have improved greatly since stopping the Losartan and switching to different meds. Still, it was my first significant medical emergency and it "put the fear of God in me".

Since then I find myself trying to come to terms with how little time I have left, even if I don't have any other health issues going forward. If all goes well, I may only have 20 or 30 years left in this world. We have already been in our "new" house for 17+ years, our daughter is already 32 years old, and those both seem like they happened yesterday. Heck, I'm not even retired yet. It's scary to think how quickly my remaining time will pass.

@mountainsoft your post instilled me on reply to a reluctant but realistic topic. Funny my user name was created when I was 49 … assuming that if I’m to live to 100. I retired 56, just barely able to make it to FIRE and thanks to the good folks on this site I was able to retire with confidence. Now at 65, generally healthy but I also found my BP to be getting higher in the last 5 years to a point where I start tracking it daily. I’m also on Losartan for many year now adding Amlodipine to keep BP under control. I felt something is not right and saw a Cardiologist last month, to my surprise he diagnosed Arrhythmia irregular heartbeat and I’m now on Xarelto. I am lucky to find out early although not afraid of dying but it would be horrible if I would be disable from a stroke. This incident reminds me of many of the precious things around us, in my case very fortunate to be able to spend much time with my grandkids as I travel a lot in my working years and my DW kidney transplant reached 20 years milestones. Me too …hugging my wife often to a point of annoying. It’s better to think about our immorality earlier than later, although I try not to dwell on it but it had been on my mind a lot recently. So … you’re not alone in this and remind us that it’s not so much the number even if it’s 100, but the journey getting to the end. Wishing you and everyone best health and happiness!

 

[F.I.R.E User]

BP can be controlled with diet and exercise.

 

[Montclairbobbyb]

Time... is flowing like a river...

The decision to retire typically comes down to several factors, with perhaps one being the primary driver. For me, it was to maximize my most important resource...TIME.

Think about that, and good luck (...AND good health!)

 

[SVHoper]

Hi Mountainsoft,

Having a father die at 52 when I was 8 probably gave me a heightened sense of mortality from a young age. Also probably contributed to my ER at ~52. I try not to spend any time on dwelling on my mortality but try to "live by having minimal regrets, if I die tomorrow".

I understand the importance of genetics, but also can't emphasize how much weight, diet and exercise may be able to influence health indicators. (Again, I understand how exercise can be difficult for those with e.g. joint issues). Specifically, BP, blood sugar, aerobic performance, cardiologist if you have no heart issues: regularly get and keep pulse > 120 with your exercise. I regularly ride 40m with 85 year olds who have made a lot of wise lifestyle decisions. They are my aspirational 85 year olds, not only to get to that age, but able to still be active.

Of course, there are only some causes of death you can influence with diet and exercise, but I try do what I can :-( I recently got knocked off my bike by a driver starting from a stop sign, luckily minimal damage and statistically my guess is I will die from cancer or dementia no matter what I do... just trying to delay it with quality life until then.

I accidentally fell into a more active lifestyle late in life and after retirement (invited by a friend) and am soooo grateful.

 

[sengsational]

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of lingering.

It's just the opposite of jumping off of a tall building; while traveling down, everything is fine, it's the quick stop at the end that's the bad part. But traveling down hill health-wise is not at all fine. The eventual stop at the end is probably going to be a relief.

We all will traverse from healthy to dead. The idea of "healthspan" was something I liked more than "lifespan". The graph would be relatively flat in the above 90% healthy range, maybe gentle slope down for a while, then a cliff. That, as opposed to a steady downward slope, 70%, 60%, 50%, 40%. I don't know what it would be like to be 40% healthy, but I'd guess it's no fun.

It's been said many times on this board and elsewhere, that you're perfectly healthy until suddenly you're not. At that point, you start thinking more about the shape of the graph and at what angle you'll be hitting the X axis, and what that ride down is going to feel like.