Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[Walt34]

The FA surprised everyone when she moved the VOW guy to business.

I love it when that happens! Applause for the Flight Attendant!

 

[ivinsfan]

I once witnessed an argument with a very loud man on a plane demanding to be moved to business class (econ sold out) because the very overweight person next to him was taking his space. The FA surprised everyone when she moved the VOW guy to business.

Point of story: maybe you could consider moving out for a spell and see how your daughter feels about that...

If there is some logic there, I don't see it. What point are you trying to make?

 

[RunningBum]

I once witnessed an argument with a very loud man on a plane demanding to be moved to business class (econ sold out) because the very overweight person next to him was taking his space. The FA surprised everyone when she moved the VOW guy to business.

Point of story: maybe you could consider moving out for a spell and see how your daughter feels about that...

Yeah that is a great story...but I'm not sure how the point applies?

OP moving out of the house sounds nothing like a business class upgrade.

 

[frances]

Life isn't fair

I see so many replies in this thread saying "you're not being fair to your daughter."
Well, a hard lesson for me to learn growing up is that LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
Get over it.
Your house, your rules. If your daughter can't abide by your wishes (and I assume she's not paying you any rent) then IMO either she needs to do what you request or find another place to live. Period.
I had a child who, upon graduation from college, stayed with us for about a year. We requested participation in home care (clean the bathroom, take out the trash, mow the yard occasionally, pick up after yourself). When it came to light our requests were being ignored and a conversation was met with arguments we invited said child to find another place to live.

 

[Joylush]

Hopefully, you can get your wife on board.

I would suggest a calm talk with your daughter.

We understand that you are feeling frustrated in having your activities limited. On the other hand, your mother and I are dealing with our own frustrations. We are frightened that our daughter is going to bring home a disease that could kill or permanently disable one of us; and we are sad and hurt that our health does not seem to be of concern to you. You were intending to move out in January, however, under the circumstances, we believe that you should start looking for your own place now. That way you will be able to enjoy your independence, without putting your parents at risk. We will miss you of course, but hope you will call often.

I would actually lower my voice and talk slowly, softly and gently. And - don't feed into a hysterical scene. Bottom line, you do love her, but are not willing to be subject to that type of behavior.

Then I would not sully her independence by offering her money.

Is this the way you wanted this to go down? No, but I had one or two rough launches, and things worked out in the end.

I like this, minus those two line because they are manipulative and dis ingenious sounding. Shaming never works.

 

[imnontrad]

A tough situation and I am sure she is under a lot of stress. But the person who owns the house makes the rules.
Maybe she can look at getting an apartment with a fellow teacher. Or maybe look at a way to carve out an "in-law" apartment that she can rent from you and then only have socially distanced events with her.

 

[veganbetty]

Maybe it's worth subsidizing her housing until she makes better money. Determine what she can afford and then make up the rest. That might be cheaper in the long run than if you end up suffering from long term effects from Covid.

 

[Backdraft57]

26, employed full time, no special needs. Time for little sissy lou to spread her wings and leave the nest! Good grief.

 

[Gumby]

You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago.

It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

 

[Exwallstguy]

Sorry but this is quite clear

It is difficult but quite clear. You cannot risk your lives just so your adult daughter who prob should be living in her own, can go to a few parties. I’ve known others in similar situations and it’s very simple. If she stays with you, she will expose you to everyone she comes in contact with. 1. She can choose not to go out until she moves out, which will probably get her out sooner 2. She can move out 3. Stay with some friends until she can afford to move out.

You guys have a right to stay alive trumps her right to live her life. 6 months is not a big deal to not go out.

 

[tmm99]

You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago.

It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

I've been following the thread since the beginning and made a couple of posts before Post 122, but as far as I know, the only thing I know is that they had a talk and the daughter filled out an application for an apartment (which is progress). I hope she has a moving date by now.

 

[Backdraft57]

Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

 

[ivinsfan]

Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

No,you should read a little before commenting...especially on a long thread.

 

[Backdraft57]

No,you should read a little before commenting...especially on a long thread.

Nope.

 

[meleana]

Just finished a rather unpleasant conversation with my 26 y/o daughter at the dinner table, she got up and tossed her food away and left the table crying. I'm heartbroken. We live in Illinois. Positivity rate is just above 5% and climbing everyday. It's evident things are getting worse. Our mayor was on TV yesterday begging folks to wear masks and wash hands. Information was presented about how most folks are getting infected by family members at home. My wife and I are in relatively good health at 61 and 62. Both my wife and daughter are school teachers to young children and currently work outside the home. I'm retired. We accept the circumstances given the precautions in place at the schools. My daughter attended an outdoor bonfire with peers over the weekend. I voiced concern. This coming weekend she is planning a wine tasting with a small group of friends. Again, I voiced concern citing the sharing of glassware/wine in a group setting. She is also planning on attending an upcoming Halloween party. Again I relayed my concern. She says it's unfair and has to live her life and I argue that we have to hunker down for the next 6 months and protect each other. My heart breaks for her but feel her plans are endangering our family. I cannot get the gravity of the situation across to her. Has anyone else had this conversation with an adult child living at home and have any thoughts on how to best approach it.

Can’t she just wear a mask in your home and keep 6 ft distance from you? And make sure she washes her hands more than normal? She can wipe stuff down in the house?

This is what the experts tell us. Wear a mask and distance.

We are in our 60’s and we have a 32 year old son who does not live at home but he’s welcome here any time. He works two jobs.

We do hug briefly and we don’t do masks in our home. I can’t say that we even distance in our home. This is our choice, but back in March we did tell our son to stay away until things got sorted out. By May we had enough and decided what we would be comfortable with.

Not saying that is what you should do because we are retired and you are teachers so it’s a bit different for sure since you work outside the home and with children and other coworkers. Everyone’s comfort level is different, too.

I hope you can resolve this amiably and maintain a good relationship with your daughter. She does need to live her life but she also must respect you and your rules in your home. She certainly needs to understand your concerns for your health.

Good luck!

 

[rodi]

Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

That may work on nextdoor, but not on this forum. Long threads don't get deleted. Posts in violation of the community rules sometimes get deleted by the moderator team, but rarely long threads.

 

[timo2]

Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

You can go in and opt out of notifications to a thread. Lots of us like to read the thread, even if it is older.

 

[MuirWannabe]

You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago.

It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

Why let a pesky thing like a problem resolved get in our way of offering our helpful/unhelpful opinion. [emoji3]

 

[Vinnygret]

Umm, seriously? I was waiting to find the humorous ending to your post, but it never came. Can you explicate in what way you think it would be a mistake, and how it could possibly be "unfair"?

I was also waiting for irony. This is really more than a disagreement. It's a disagreement with potentially fatal consequences. Covid 19 kills older people. Whose house is this? Who is in charge? If I still had a young adult at home, her opinion in this disagreement would be acknowledged and overruled. If it's unfair, welcome to adulthood, welcome to the uncaring world. It was unfair that people had to cancel weddings, didn't get to graduate with their classes or have graduation parties. It's unfair that people are in debt, can't pay utility bills, had to watch loved ones die without even being able to kiss them good-bye. In light of all that and more, I cannot imagine a more selfish position for a young adult to take. If this is the biggest disappointment this young woman sees in her life, she will be truly blessed. Just say no, nope, negative, sorry.

 

[Rosedala]

At 26, I would tell her that it's time to move out of my house if she can't follow some basic, common sense safety rules. In the meantime, I would do what I could to isolate myself and my spouse from contact with her. Let her eat in her bedroom and keep to her own bathroom until this is resolved. This is not about fairness and she's not 14. It's about protecting her parents and herself from a deadly disease.

EXCELLENTLY SAID! I think she sounds rather selfish and as irresponsible as a child. Your advice is great, I hope the OP follows it. That's what I'd do if in the similar situation.

 

[Rosedala]

Yes I realize this can hurt the relationship. I'm here to use the forums as a sounding board for my viewpoint and so encourage dissenting opinions. I always find intelligence here. I also anticipate the Board will be skewed in my favor given the demographics of a retirement community thus peaking my interest in arguments favorable to her point of view?

...and may I add that if you take the decision of reminding her to follow your house rules, whether or not she contracts the covid at some point in her life, she's going to regret enormously not to have listened to you.

 

[Elizrogers]

I lived in my parents home off and on till I was 30. We had no deadly diseases to worry about, but I still had rules to follow to keep my parents from worrying, being disturbed, or compromising their personal beliefs. It was their house, I was usually in a financial bind and being allowed to live free and they deserved to feel safe and comfortable in their own home. When I was 40, I built a house and they moved in with me. I had an apartment like area (5 rooms) built at the opposite end of the house from them with a private entrance/exit. My den had a wet bar with small frig and microwave, so I could hibernate if I wanted, or have friends over.

At the very least, you need to make her quarantine in her own room after these public gatherings, for your own protection. Maybe get her a small frig, like they use in motels and a microwave. She can eat in there, have her own drinks, and ask her to mask up if she'd like to join you for conversation or tv in the main rooms. "Better safe than sorry" is a better motto at this time than "Asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission." It may be too late to ask forgiveness when you are in the hospital and she is never again allowed to see you.

 

[audreyh1]

You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago.

It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

It must be that weekly newsletter email. It seems to bring in a lot of newer folks who haven’t visited recently.

 

[seachange]

I'm incredulous at the mentality of these people who don't want a virus such as this to spoil their social lives. I'm in NZ and we've done the hard yards with isolation and lock downs. And as a result we're enjoying our freedom. And yes I've got a 16 and 19 year old so I know all about the social isolation, trying to keep kids on task doing schooling at home and all the other 'fun' things with social isolation. Your daughter is behaving like a child and a selfish one at that. As you said you're older and at more risk with this virus. If she wants to behave recklessly with no thought for her parent's safety then I'd say its time for her to have a taste of true independence and move out. As someone else said your house your rules. Do these people who want to live life as normal have any consideration whatsoever for all those health professionals who put their lives on the line every day nursing and caring for Covid patients?

 

[Calico]

I'm incredulous at the mentality of these people who don't want a virus such as this to spoil their social lives. I'm in NZ and we've done the hard yards with isolation and lock downs. And as a result we're enjoying our freedom. And yes I've got a 16 and 19 year old so I know all about the social isolation, trying to keep kids on task doing schooling at home and all the other 'fun' things with social isolation. Your daughter is behaving like a child and a selfish one at that. As you said you're older and at more risk with this virus. If she wants to behave recklessly with no thought for her parent's safety then I'd say its time for her to have a taste of true independence and move out. As someone else said your house your rules. Do these people who want to live life as normal have any consideration whatsoever for all those health professionals who put their lives on the line every day nursing and caring for Covid patients?

No - no, they don't.