The Case Against Remarriage

[haha]

the-case-against-remarriage: Personal Finance News from Yahoo! Finance

Also take a look at the comments. It seems that an article giving the advantages of avoiding remarriage, also for men at least is a good tutorial on why one should perhaps avoid marriage altogether.

I enjoyed being married, but when I got divorced I had not one moment's doubt that I would be forevermore single. I just don't like playing with a stacked deck. I am more lonesome single, but also more free.

I had dinner a few nights ago with a 40 year old guy in my building who is very attractive to women, but says he would never even consider marriage. (I know he is attractive to women because I sometimes see the lookers leaving his aprtment on Monday mornings.) His current GF, an 8th year neurosurgery resident, is very pretty, and obviously smart and will be very high earning starting next year.

My friend is a union negotiator, who was formerly an Ivy League philosophy instructor. To him, the analysis is simple. He cannot know what it is like to be in a marriage without running the risk of a difficult and expensive exit, so he analyzes it from the outside. Almost 50% of couples divorce, more than that % in our city. So marriage is a failing project for at least 50% of men. (leaving aside that for some women and some rare men it can be an emotional failure but a financial success). Of the 50% who do not get divorced, how many stay for financial reasons or other reasons different from emotional gratification within marriage? How many would love to leave, but don't want to pay the fee? It cannot be none, so marriage is therefore a net loser for men as a group, and possibly for women.

Love is a wonderful thing, but perhaps it is best to keep it on a leash?

Ha

 

[Meadbh]

Speaking from inexperience, IMHO the only logical reason to get married is "for the kids". Past the age of parenthood (at least for females) marriage seems to introduce unnecessary complications.

 

[chris2008]

Do not ask me - female happily married for more than 28 years now.
Reasons? I can't remember - we just knew we wanted to spend our lifes together.

 

[keegs]

Picking the right partner can be difficult, particularly when you're young. Perhaps this might be more from the male perspective, but the relevance of the things that initially attract you to someone, e.g. desire and sex, diminish on the scale of what's necessarily to sustain a marriage over time.

I won't make any assumptions about the disposition of marriage other than to say it's not for everyone.

 

[Tigger]

I have a girlfriend. She would love to get married, but for me that would be a high risk move with only disadvantages, no advantages at all. (we don't want kids; we're not religious; I'm the one who works and has a good financial situation)

I'm even starting to doubt if I'd ever want to get into steady relationship again if I'd become single. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I would be unlikely to remarry if my marriage ended in death or divorce. Too high risk, as Tigger and Ha pointed out. I certainly wouldn't want to consider dating or marrying someone with kids.

We have two confirmed bachelors among our friends and I actively discourage them from even considering marriage as they approach 50, while everyone else they know is setting them up with "marrying types".

 

[Automatika]

Though I have been married for 25 years and am ecstatic about my marriage, I would probably never remarry for the reasons others have stated above. If having children is not in the picture I really don't see the point. When the inevitable conflicts arose in my marriage my kids were a major incentive to work things out. With a new relationship it would be too easy to call it quits when things got tough.

 

[rescueme]

Do not ask me - female happily married for more than 28 years now.
Reasons? I can't remember - we just knew we wanted to spend our lifes together.

I guess it was the same with us (can't speak for DW ).

Anyway, after 40+ years, I have no regrets

 

[donheff]

Explain to your buddy that the divorce rate drops rapidly for marriages after age 30. Once you are over 35 you have a 90%+ chance of staying married. He should go for the surgeon

 

[Moscyn]

I would be unlikely to remarry if my marriage ended in death or divorce.

Same here. The thought of remarrying (if my marriage ended in death) actually makes me wonder on the impossible situation of let's say, I meet both husband no. 1 and 2 in heaven (assuming we all end there) - who do I stay with then?

 

[Emeritus]

Interesting. DW and I are married 35 years. all 5 siblings are married , 2 after divorces. My parents were married 62 years. Father in law was widowed after 35 years and remarried for 19 until he died.
Next generation down all 12 couples that are in serious relationships are married or getting married. 3 singles. My Daughter who just got married is the youngest of this crew (age 25)

Perhaps it runs in families.

 

[Emeritus]

I guess it was the same with us (can't speak for DW ).

Anyway, after 40+ years, I have no regrets

I always say we are married 35 years but DW says it feels like 50

 

[FinanceDude]

I always say we are married 35 years but DW says it feels like 50

Sounds like she's a saint.......

 

[youbet]

We started dating at 16, married at 22 (went to different colleges) and are now in our 60's. It's been a great run. But I think everyone, especially older folks considering remarriage, needs to look at the legal and financial implications prevalent at the time to determine whether legal marriage or just cohabitation is best for them.

In the worse of the marriage penalty days when we knew we'd save several kilobucks a year if we were filing fed taxes as singles vs MFJ, we actually talked to our lawyer about divorce. The plan would have been to divorce, change ownership and other legal contracts as necessary and go on with life telling no one and DW not changing her name. Just our little secret. We eventually decided not to.

Everyone needs to look at the financial and legal details of marriage vs. single before entering into a legal relationship. Then if you can handle the outcome of that investigation (ie, be married or not) follow that course of action.

It's a real plus/strength in today's world if a couple can separate the emotional and romantic aspects of their relationship from the financial and legal aspects and act appropriately. For older folks, say someone considering remarriage past mid-life after a death or divorce, the gov't is stacking the deck against marriage from a financial point of view.

 

[jimday1982]

Extremely timely post for me as I was married back in May of this year to the woman who I was 99.9% sure was going to be my partner for life.

Here we are, six months later, and I'm filing divorce papers before the end of the year. I'm sure many of you will make assumptions along the lines of us not giving it enough effort or time and I won't bother to get into the details, but I will tell you that those assumptions would be incorrect.

That being said, neither of us is bitter toward each other and at 28 years old, I still have high hopes for meeting someone who I'm a little more compatible with and eventually, get married and start a family. Whether that's realistic or not, I haven't a clue, but I'm definitely not the jaded type who has completely given up on the institution of marriage. The key is finding the right woman - and vetting the living hell out of her

I realize that I may be a bit of an exception in this case being that I was married and will be divorced at such an early age, however I just wanted to offer an additional perspective.

 

[Emeritus]

Sounds like she's a saint.......

Or as my family described her that poor deluded girl
But I can cook, so for 35 years if I've been at home and not sick, she never cooked a meal.

 

[CoolChange]

I have a girlfriend. She would love to get married, but for me that would be a high risk move with only disadvantages, no advantages at all. (we don't want kids; we're not religious; I'm the one who works and has a good financial situation)

I'm even starting to doubt if I'd ever want to get into steady relationship again if I'd become single. Your mileage may vary.

This describes my situation two or three years ago almost perfectly....Now, I am almost sure that I would not want another serious relationship.

Nothing has really changed except me: My hermit tendencies increase with every passing year.

 

[Emeritus]

I would be unlikely to remarry if my marriage ended in death or divorce.

Same here. The thought of remarrying (if my marriage ended in death) actually makes me wonder on the impossible situation of let's say, I meet both husband no. 1 and 2 in heaven (assuming we all end there) - who do I stay with then?

Joke time
joke time

My dad always said he took the "till death do us part" seriously and then he got to look around again. My mom would say "we will ask God and see what She says




not a serious comment on anyone's religious beliefs

 

[Tigger]

Interesting. DW and I are married 35 years. all 5 siblings are married , 2 after divorces. My parents were married 62 years. Father in law was widowed after 35 years and remarried for 19 until he died.
Next generation down all 12 couples that are in serious relationships are married on getting married. 3 singles. My Daughter who just got married is the youngest of this crew (age 25)

Perhaps it runs in families.

That's certainly a possibility. In my family everyone is married.

I'm the "different" one who doesn't want marriage nor kids and who wants to ER. I suspect either the mailman was from a family that doesn't marry or that drop on my head when I was a kid wasn't harmless after all.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Although I dearly love being married--the nonfinancial sharing is what makes a happy marriage to me--obviously it's not for everyone.

There's no more "having" to get married anymore in today's society, so no shotguns being put to anyone's head.

 

[youbet]

There's no more "having" to get married anymore in today's society, so no shotguns being put to anyone's head.

There ya go...... And that's one of the reasons why financial and other legal considerations go into the decision to either remarry or cohabitate in later life. If remarrying is going to cause issues with pensions, SS, retiree medical coverage, taxes (a big issue) or cause complications with estate planning and that sort of thing, then to heck with it, just live together.

 

[growing_older]

I was married. Loved it. Loved the building of a life together and the common history and achievements, including wonderful kids. But it only takes one person to force a divorce and after a very painful (yes, I tried everything including separation, counseling, etc) divorce leaving my kids and I hurt, financially upset and reeling, I would be very surprised if I remarried. First, I can no longer build a lifetime together, mine is half over including the raising kids. Second, I was SURE we were never divorcing and over the years (20+) we were so smug about how we KNEW we were permanent despite seeing others breakup. Third, ouch! Fourth, the financial hit was tremendous and even though we started with nothing, the plans we had for ER were devastated by the split. Fifth, the someone I knew better than anyone, turned out to be different than what I thought I knew. Scary, possibly permanently.

I am very reluctant to put myself in a position to lose half (or more) of what I've built up, and as a successful saver, I'm much more likely to be contributing the majority of assets to any future division of property. I suppose, love conquers all, so if the right person and right situation presents itself, I can never say never. But I'd be astonished, not to mention who'd be interested in bitter, hurt, old me.

 

[dex]

The reasons for marriage and the expectations for marriage have changed over time.
The reasons for practical marriage - social pressure, children, man works, woman takes care of the home are mostly gone. (I also think it was those things that kept previous marriages together.) While romantic love - soul mate - has gained focus - it is an unrealistic situation. Add to it that we live longer now and being with one person for 50+ years is a bad bet.

I was married for a short period of time and realized it was not for me. I even declined an offer of marriage from a woman once.

So what happens because of people who think about marriage/divorce, finances and the state of the world?

 

[Nords]

Guys, I was under the impression that married men live longer, even after accounting for relativistic temporal distortion caused by marital stress.

There's no more "having" to get married anymore in today's society, so no shotguns being put to anyone's head.

Other than the military's co-location policy...

 

[haha]

Extremely timely post for me as I was married back in May of this year to the woman who I was 99.9% sure was going to be my partner for life.

Here we are, six months later, and I'm filing divorce papers before the end of the year. I'm sure many of you will make assumptions along the lines of us not giving it enough effort or time and I won't bother to get into the details, but I will tell you that those assumptions would be incorrect.

That being said, neither of us is bitter toward each other and at 28 years old, I still have high hopes for meeting someone who I'm a little more compatible with and eventually, get married and start a family. Whether that's realistic or not, I haven't a clue, but I'm definitely not the jaded type who has completely given up on the institution of marriage. The key is finding the right woman - and vetting the living hell out of her

I realize that I may be a bit of an exception in this case being that I was married and will be divorced at such an early age, however I just wanted to offer an additional perspective.

Thanks for sharing Jim. IMO, the best divorces are often the quickest.

You are not alone- one of my sons was marreid at 22, divorced at 25. A 53 year old woman friend of mine was married at 22, divorced at 24, then stayed single until she allowed herself to become pregnant at 39. She then married the father, and they are very happy Unfortunately he is now very ill, so they are facing that issue now.

Ha