DD and Wedding

[jjquantz]

Both of our daughters were given a dollar figure and were told that they were responsible for 50% of everything over that figure. The family of DD#1's fiance had only boys, was southern, probably were aware that they had more money than we did and they offered to pay 50%. We left some things out of the final tally when we accepted their offer but felt very fortunate to have them help out.

 

[Pilot2013]

BTW, our son in-law did the same gentleman thing, made my wife cry.....we were so happy.

Mine too! I got a little confetti in my eye as well.

 

[Pilot2013]

Both of our daughters were given a dollar figure and were told that they were responsible for 50% of everything over that figure. The family of DD#1's fiance had only boys, was southern, probably were aware that they had more money than we did and they offered to pay 50%. We left some things out of the final tally when we accepted their offer but felt very fortunate to have them help out.

That seems reasonable, assuming the future SIL's family is at least in the same situation financially. I believe ours is. I WILL NOT ask anyone anything as I think that would be suicide (or at least invite sever bodily harm).

 

[W2R]

DD1's boyfriend got me and DW together about week ago and asked permission to pop the question. Very much a gentleman, and a noble thing to do, although I thought for a minute (OK, maybe a few seconds)about saying "I'm sorry, but I just don't think so..." just to see what he would say. He popped the question last night and they both are very excited. Apparently she didn't have the same thoughts as I did.

Now, we live (grew up) in the South, and things are a little different here, just in case some of you didn't know that. The Bride's parents seem to be on tap for all but the Groom's dinner or something like that. All of a sudden, I'm not feeling so Southern any more.

We have not had conversation about this with the two of them, or his family, but just wondering what some others have done when faced with DD's weddings. By the way, there is, as is inferred by DD1, a DD2.

I guess I'm Southern then, because like you I thought the bride's parents were required to foot the bill for everything except the Groom's dinner.

My daughter decided on a wedding date that was about two weeks before my retirement date, back in 2009. Talk about feeling old! Oh well, the date she chose allowed me to get THAT expense behind me before I retired.

Anyway, I am divorced and I didn't have much confidence that my ex would give her anything for the wedding since I wasn't sure he understood these things. So, I gave her a check for an amount that would completely cover a reasonable though not lavish wedding.

Since she lives in another state and was 30 years old, she made all the arrangements herself. The wedding was absolutely perfect, and far nicer than I thought could be done on that amount in her high COL part of the country. So, I think either she and her DH contributed to it too, or else my ex came up with some money for it. I never asked.

 

[Pilot2013]

Money spent on weddings is a huge waste, IMHO. Back in the days when you truly 'gave away' your daughter and she became a member of her husband's family and they took care of her from then on, well... that was different.

Yeah, but you know what they say... "You only get married for the 1st time, once!"

I can't worry about what might happen, just hope that they have a great life.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have 3 sons and only 1 is married. She was from Poland and wanted a big Polish church wedding but she had to come here first and they had to get married within 3 months. He had to turn Catholic which took a year before they could get married in Poland. So the kids and her parents paid for the Polish wedding which she wanted and I paid for the wedding he wanted here. It cost me 4k. He wanted to be married in a beautiful park, had the reception outside on our huge patio with a tent cover in case it rained, catered some of the food but made at least half of it. I rented china, glassware, tables and chairs, fancy silverware, etc. I bought a ton of booze and my good friend set up a bar. People thought we hired her and tried to tip her. A year later we flew to Poland for a traditional 2 day Polish wedding. 10 years later they are still very much in love and I have a great DIL.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I love a good wedding. DD's inlaws asked to pay for the liquor so we let them, but would never have asked them. We only have one DD and just paid for whatever she wanted (downtown hotel, band, etc.). Looking back, ten years later, we're glad we did. It was a great party of family and friends who all knew DD or DSIL very well (no parents coworkers, etc.) and people still talk about it to us. We contributed almost as much to DS's wedding which was in another country but DDIL's family paid a lot more. Wonderful memories of that too five years later. Everyone is still married and happy.

DH and I are pretty frugal otherwise and never discussed weddings or budgets at all with either child, so I'm thinking we probably subconsciously expected to do whatever they wanted. I do remember pulling up to the reception for DD and my DH self-parking in the garage to save $10 vs the valet rate....

This is just how it worked out for us--everyone does what is best for their own situation and we are financial idiots (now there's a blog I could write!) so we are still amazed everything worked out for us.

 

[pacergal]

We are smack in the middle of DD wedding planning now! We gave them a budget. They are pitching income of their own and future in laws offered to pay a set amount towards the caterer. We have known each others families for over 5 years, so it is working out well.

For DS, we paid for the rehearsal dinner for bridal party, families and out of town guests, and helped pay for some of the wedding.

 

[rodi]

When my sister got married dad (frugal to the nth degree) offered her $5000. She was fine with that budget since the reception was held at their condo's social space, and it was "catered by costco". Downsides: Sis and Mom got into when mom kept inviting her friends - but wasn't willing to kick in extra $$ to feed said friends. I was maid of honor - emphasis on maid.... I spent much of the reception in the kitchenette in my maid of honor gown, heating up hors d'oeuvres. I swore that would not happen at my wedding. Dad offered me the same $5k (10 years later, no inflation adjustment) when I got married. We had the small wedding on the beach. (Costs of minister and rented chairs), then a brunch at a beachfront restaurant (low cost since it was a New Years day special and only 20 people.) Even with travel and our honeymoon in Hawaii we managed to stay within the $5k. Since the wedding was held in San Diego and my in-laws and DH and I lived back east - my mom hosted the rehearsal dinner at my parents house.

I guess my advise is to
a) not be *too* cheap.
b) DO set a budget and let your DD figure out how to work within it.
c) Don't impose a large wish list of your friends and extended family unless you're willing to pay more... Your DD and future SIL will want *their* friends there. If they have only met your second cousin George once (or never) - keep him off the list.

 

[Moemg]

When my daughter got married I gave her a set amount plus paid for the dress and the veil .Shopping for that dress was so special . I cried a lot that day.After I gave her the amount I butted out and let her plan the wedding . Her in laws did pay for the flowers and her Dad ( we are divorced ) paid for the photographer and the liquor . Great wedding ! Well worth the money I spent .

 

[Sue J]

I never thought a topic about your child's wedding would apply to me. We have 2 sons, 30 and 32 and neither one has had even a hint of a girlfriend.

Our 30 year old son has had a "good friend" from Beijing, China for about a year. They met in Kauai and have kept in touch and now she is visiting here and "suddenly" this has all changed. Although no one has formally defined anything, it's sure looking like a romance with thoughts and plans for the future.

Once our sons were adults and out on their own I figured if a wedding were to happen the bride's parents would handle it and we would make a contribution to the couple to use how they choose, either toward the wedding or for their future.

My son told me there is a Chinese custom that the groom's parents make a payment to the bride's parents to offset the loss of her support in the future. What??!! Like a dowry? Is this a cow, 2 goats and a couple of chickens? I don't know if this is still expected or even if he was joking. If this progresses to SERIOUS I think we will need details.

We had them over for dinner last night and she met my sister and BIL. And she loved the rice from my Instant Pot (future mother-in-law brownie points) so things are looking and feeling like there is a future happening here. My son is making plans to go to Beijing later this year.

 

[socca]

We have not had conversation about this with the two of them, or his family, but just wondering what some others have done when faced with DD's weddings. By the way, there is, as is inferred by DD1, a DD2.

You might feel a little better after reading what it would cost to host an Indian wedding in the U.S.

Totaling up the above estimates you can look at spending anywhere from $40,000 to $265,000 to throw an Indian wedding in the US. Again there is a lot of variability so please forgive this Indian father of three daughters for any mistakes, but this is a subject I think a lot about since the parents of the bride tend to bear the brunt of these expenses in my culture.

Eloping really looks good to me!

 

[spncity]

Our DSIL asked to come to our house for dinner without DD1 (she was living on her own). He cleverly told us he was not asking for "permission" but for our "blessing" which he got.

We told our daughter the amount we could allocate for the wedding, and said, "You can spend it all. If you spend more, it's your dime. Or if you spend less, we'll write you a check for the difference." We did adjust the amount up 15% one time only when we had a good understanding of just how much things cost.

The two of them prioritized what they wanted and left off things that weren't important to them.

The four of us went to the venue prior to booking to have dinner to check if they liked the food and ambiance. It had all their important items, including excellent food, being outdoors at the water for the ceremony, and a tent for dinner. I went with DD dress shopping and cake tasting, helped gather addresses for the guest list, helped negotiate with the venue. She bought inexpensive gauzy, slightly sparkly fabric to make tablecloth runners. Borrowed votives. Did things like augment the fancy wedding cake with cakes from Costco (The staff were cutting and plating it in the back after the cake-cutting photos anyway, and each guest got two pieces of cake, different flavors. Many guests liked the Costco cake better, although they didn't know it was from there.)

Groom wanted a more elaborate beverage setup, so he asked his parents to fund that, which they did.

I asked to invite a few friends who did not make the cut on their guest list, but said I would pay extra if they came.

Before we gave the meal guarantee number, I calculated the no-show rate (all places were set for all guests, however). The venue had a percentage of total guests they could cover if needed. Anyway, nailed it and saved there as well.

The couple enjoyed themselves immensely and so did we. Almost thought we'd be rained out, but the clouds parted and the sun came out! So much fun.

We all had breakfast the morning after at the nearby hotel so we could all enjoy the company of the small wedding party and the relatives who had come in from out of town.

Once that day comes, you and the couple need to have decided you're going to have fun no matter what glitches arise. Don't be one of those people who complains that "such-and-such happened" and "it just ruined the day for me." Shake it off.

A few weeks later, after everything was accounted for, they had a check coming! It was almost exactly the amount we'd adjusted up. I was happy to write it.

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[ElizabethT]

We set a dollar amount, advised both DD's in turn what it was, wrote a check and then stepped aside.

The amounts were not large, $5,000 for each DD. The reason, is that we had previously shelled out $60,000 per daughter for two UC college degrees, allowing each to graduate with $0 debt, and believed those were far more important than a fancy wedding.

Both DD's elected to proceed with modest, i.e., small weddings, and neither is indicating any regret some 3-5 years down the road.

 

[Rambler]

When our DD started talking about all the "fluff" she wanted, we sat her down and explained to her that yes, we were "well to do" but that didn't mean she could spend whatever she wanted. We gave her a $15,000 budget, and told he she could keep whatever she didn't spend. This is, of course, after she told us she expected us to shell out "at least the average" of $35,000 (6 years ago). After the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth were over, she got down to planning it. She ended up having a beautiful, but low key wedding, and $6500 left over for her and SIL to use to start their new life together. BTW, she still had most of that money, even after two more years of college, an internship in Hong Kong, and then SIL's two year masters program. Today, she is grateful that we taught her about using her money wisely instead of just letting her go wild on the wedding.

 

[Sunset]

Some folks get really caught up in the social expectations of a wedding and emotions run high. Fortunately about 50% don't divorce.

One funny aspect I see a lot, is the man rents his tux. The woman instead of renting (which is easy and cheap) buys one for $1,200 -> $3,000 ++ and then either trashes it, or saves it until it yellows and her future children don't want to wear it. Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

 

[6miths]

Two daughters and two sons. They have money set aside for whatever they choose to use it for. Hopefully not much of it will be spent on wedding costs.

 

[Sunset]

......
Our 30 year old son has had a "good friend" from Beijing, China for about a year. They met in Kauai and have kept in touch and now she is visiting here and "suddenly" this has all changed. Although no one has formally defined anything, it's sure looking like a romance with thoughts and plans for the future.
....
My son told me there is a Chinese custom that the groom's parents make a payment to the bride's parents to offset the loss of her support in the future. What??!! Like a dowry? Is this a cow, 2 goats and a couple of chickens? I don't know if this is still expected or even if he was joking. If this progresses to SERIOUS I think we will need details.

....

I just asked my friend from China who often goes back to visit family and keeps in touch with her friends from there.

She said "
Yes, I heard that in some small towns or villages some people still doing that, but not all. Not in the big cities, me & all my friends never asked money neither their kids. Ring or gifts that's all, and usually girls family will give gifts back too.

That boy must be dating a girl from poor, small place, you know we have a lot rich people in China & more poor people there too"

Of course I had to ask her: how much ?

She said "
Vary from place to place, I read from few thousands to more than 10 thousands or even more, the best way is to ask the girl, I don't know either, but if he is not Chinese then he doesn't need to do that at all.
"

My thinking is:
Maybe the girl moved to Bejing or is only using city as a reference point, rather than some small town nearby nobody would know about. Like how I use Chicago when talking to folks in other States/Countries ?

Interesting comment from her about if the boy is not Chinese, then it's not a requirement ?

 

[DrRoy]

My wedding was the traditional split of the modest cost. Of course, that was almost 35 years ago. Still on DW1.

 

[pb4uski]

Both of our daughters were given a dollar figure and were told that they were responsible for 50% of everything over that figure. The family of DD#1's fiance had only boys, was southern, probably were aware that they had more money than we did and they offered to pay 50%. We left some things out of the final tally when we accepted their offer but felt very fortunate to have them help out.

Our DD was engaged last December and we are doing something similar. We told them that we will pay up to $x, and 50/50 from there up to $y and anything above that is 100% on them. DD characterized $x as 'generous'.

Like the OP, we expected to pay for the whole thing... then I read somewhere that the groom's parents are typically responsible for a the band or DJ and liquor, which was a pleasant surprise to me. Over the weekend, DD relayed that the groom's parents had volunteered to contribute about 20% of $x (without being asked), which is nice of them.

We also told them that if the cost of the wedding is less than $x that we will contribute the difference towards the house that they are building.

 

[pb4uski]

Is it still acceptable in the South to have a cash bar at the reception? I encountered this in TX but it was about 15 years ago. That could save you a bundle!

We will provide beer and wine and beyond that it will be BYOB (more casual wedding venue).

 

[pb4uski]

.... I guess my advise is to
....c) Don't impose a large wish list of your friends and extended family unless you're willing to pay more... Your DD and future SIL will want *their* friends there. If they have only met your second cousin George once (or never) - keep him off the list.

That was an issue for us as 3 of the 4 parents come from big families... between the four of us there are 20 siblings so just parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins (and spouses and +1s) of the bride and groom total over 120 people.

We've decided to bypass our (parents of the bride and groom) cousins and are inviting less than 5 couples who are our friends since the chosen venue has a capacity of 200 and the bride and groom are inviting a lot of their friends.... we figure that it is their day, not ours.

 

[Bestwifeever]

When our DD started talking about all the "fluff" she wanted, we sat her down and explained to her that yes, we were "well to do" but that didn't mean she could spend whatever she wanted. We gave her a $15,000 budget, and told he she could keep whatever she didn't spend. This is, of course, after she told us she expected us to shell out "at least the average" of $35,000 (6 years ago). After the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth were over, she got down to planning it. She ended up having a beautiful, but low key wedding, and $6500 left over for her and SIL to use to start their new life together. BTW, she still had most of that money, even after two more years of college, an internship in Hong Kong, and then SIL's two year masters program. Today, she is grateful that we taught her about using her money wisely instead of just letting her go wild on the wedding.

We set a dollar amount, advised both DD's in turn what it was, wrote a check and then stepped aside.

The amounts were not large, $5,000 for each DD. The reason, is that we had previously shelled out $60,000 per daughter for two UC college degrees, allowing each to graduate with $0 debt, and believed those were far more important than a fancy wedding.

Both DD's elected to proceed with modest, i.e., small weddings, and neither is indicating any regret some 3-5 years down the road.

Sounds like you both did the right thing for your own daughters.

 

[behindthedimes]

We paid a bunch ourselves and made some concessions (we did a cocktail party reception to save on a sit down dinner, we also didn't have bridal/groom parties). DWs parents gave us a good chunk of money and we used as little as possible on the wedding and used more toward paying down debt and a down payment on our first home. My parents paid for the 'rehearsal dinner'. Also paid for a second post wedding party near them since we couldn't invite everyone to the wedding proper.

 

[Clone]

Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

DW made her wedding dress.

A number of years ago we had the task of cleaning out DW's parent's house, as they had moved to assisted living. We came across DW's wedding dress, which had been packed away for about 25 years. DW asked 'What should we do with it?' I responded- 'You better hang onto it, you might need it again!'

That was not one of our better days...