Wedding gift disenchantment

[RetiredHappy]

Our standard gift for nieces and nephews has been $1000. All have been first weddings of young couples (the nephew who got married last week was 24 and his bride was 22), and we know from experience that new young couples face a raft of expenses setting up a house together. We can afford it and we are glad to help them get started. It has nothing to do with how fancy the wedding is, or even how close we are to them. I don't have any idea what their expectations were, but they would be hard pressed to draw a conclusion about our feelings from the size of the gift alone.

Can you be my uncle, please?

 

[RetiredHappy]

I would try not to tie the amount of the gift to the closeness and love of a sibling. Your sibling could have simply not thought through about an appropriate amount to gift. Some are more touchy feely than others and put thoughts into things like that and maybe your sibling is not one who is so.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

Neither was I raised like that, and indeed I emphatically do NOT measure the closeness of relationships that way. Nowhere in this thread have I said that I am judging or measuring how much my sibling loves me based on the size of the wedding gift.

But you did say if it was $500, you never would have started the thread so you must have a number in mind that would have met with your approval.
If it's so important to you and you can't get past this, then go ahead and approach your sibling and get it off your chest but I don't think that's going to end well.
I personally would never risk my relationship with a family member over such a trivial matter as a few hundred dollars, that would be insane.

 

[audreyh1]

I’m so glad we don’t get invited to weddings nor give wedding gifts!

 

[RobbieB]

Quite. He (she) knows that you don't need it and perhaps gave it to someone who did.

 

[skipro33]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle?

Appearances are sometimes misleading. Perhaps Close Sibling isn't as close as you perceive. Perhaps they are not doing as well financially as their lifestyle makes them appear? Things change, including wealth. It might be time to compassionately check into sibling's well being, financially and otherwise.
We all have struggles and we may be ashamed of them. Drugs, gambling, a hidden lifestyle, there are millions of skeletons in millions of closets and while you may think you know all the intimate details of another as close as you may think you are to your sibling, you also might be surprised or even heart broken. Give sibling benefit of the doubt. Don't judge unless you know for fact their situation. That is my advice.

 

[street]

^ nicely said.

 

[pullmyfinger]

One spouse SIL says they will need to work until 90 and then they are apparently talking about how well off they are?


OP in your shoes I'd be inclined to chalk it up to something financial going on that you are not privy to and if you can, shrug it off.


In my mind that's a more likely explanation then it being a deliberate thing.

That's my thought too. The brother is not as wealthy as it appears. The spouse's comment about having to work until age 90 is quite telling. There may be some resentment that you are retired and they are not. Or maybe they didn't feel it was necessary to "show off" with a big financial gift for you since you are financially in good shape and you are close.

 

[truenorth418]

There is far too much attention paid to wedding gifts. That the cost of this gift is even questioned tells me it was more than what was deserved.

 

[harllee]

I would give the amount of the gift to a very worthy charity. I would then just forget about it.

 

[Calico]

your original post used the phrase "less" than you were expecting - in my view, expecting anything implies a level of measurement of that relationship.

Bingo.

 

[travelover]

We definitely need a new forum category. I'd call it "Dear Ann Landers"

 

[ERD50]

This sibling spends around 3/4 as much on typical Christmas gifts as on the wedding gift in question. ...

So many replies that I could "+1" that I guess I'll just skip it and say:

I have never, and can't even imagine, analyzing gifts to this degree. I don't know what the gifts people get cost, and I don't look at it that way. And that's from someone who analyzes just about everything, and never says never.

But I' will say that the very first reply said it perfectly:

I wouldn't read anything into it. If I were to make any judgement on anyone involved in this story, it wouldn't be the sibling.

-ERD50

 

[ivinsfan]

So many replies that I could "+1" that I guess I'll just skip it and say:

I have never, and can't even imagine, analyzing gifts to this degree. I don't know what the gifts people get cost, and I don't look at it that way. And that's from someone who analyzes just about everything, and never says never.

But I' will say that the very first reply said it perfectly:


Originally Posted by RunningBum
I wouldn't read anything into it. If I were to make any judgement on anyone involved in this story, it wouldn't be the sibling.



-ERD50

Isn't it nice that we all don't have to think the same way....my thoughts.. it's ironic that having mixed thoughts about a gift is bad but judging other people and the way they react to something is fine.



Did you happen to read any more then the first two posts on this thread?


The OP hasn't done or said anything to deserve these kind of posts

 

[Gumby]

Everyone, calm down. Be nice.

 

[ivinsfan]

This thread totally shows me a gift is very seldom just a gift..


I propose a ban on all gifting, let's just all buy our own gifts and be done with it.


I could be persuaded to make an exception for young kids.

 

[aja8888]

At my old age, I can't remember any of the wedding gifts we got, and that goes for all my marriages....all three of them! And if I did remember any of the gifts, I doubt I could remember who gave them to us.

It's all small stuff in the whole scheme of things.

 

[MarieIG]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle? Let's say the gift amounted to about the same as the sibling and spouse would spend on a typical dinner out at a decently nice restaurant. Or that the gift was less than the one-night cost of a hotel where they'd typically stay while traveling or vacationing. This is a sibling you are very close to, spend many hours per year (happily) with, and there is no strain or trouble (that you're aware of) in the relationship. Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

Well, I'll give this a shot. I suppose the expectation would be that a gift basically cover the seats, although if guest could not afford to gift, they would be just as welcome.

I did not expect my more well to do relative to give me larger gifts, although my uncle did at my wedding. BTW, he slipped me a second envelope (most likely to preserve harmony with my aunt).

With your sibling, maybe he/she wanted to buy you a gift, but didn't know what to choose so decided on money at the last minute. Being that the two of you are mature, not young persons just starting out, and you are retired, maybe sibling thought that giving you a large money gift would be insulting; as if you couldn't afford to take care of yourself.

You mention the sibling being a gift giver within the family. Is this to other siblings, or to his/ her children? I don't think you can compare the two.

My only concern would be whether my sibling was for some reason annoyed with me; having spouse issues; or was undergoing financial strain (even if only temporary).

What happened with your uninvited relatives? Did everything work out with that?

 

[Out_the_Door]

I have two brothers that got married and it never even occurred to me to get them something...

 

[Amethyst]

She's been dead for years. But I agree, we need an Agony Aunts and Uncles category. Maybe a thread called "My Family Are Driving Me Crazy."

We definitely need a new forum category. I'd call it "Dear Ann Landers"

 

[Amethyst]

Keeping it all in the family

I have two brothers that got married.

 

[Dtail]

This thread totally shows me a gift is very seldom just a gift..


I propose a ban on all gifting, let's just all buy our own gifts and be done with it.


I could be persuaded to make an exception for young kids.

Yeah, for us Christmas gifts was turning into what do you want and that becomes the gift.
So now we just gift each other randomly and infrequently and without asking.

 

[Aerides]

If the OP is still reading.. has the wedding taken place? And the honeymoon? Are all the gifts in?

The reason I ask is something we do in my family (no recent weddings, but...) often we'll take trips for b-days or anniversaries. And then often someone else in the fam, who is not on the trip, arranges for a gift while they are there.
Like... a nice bottle of wine and chocolate strawberries when I arrived in Naples on my bday. A wine and cake congratulatory spread in their room for my parents when they arrived in Hong Kong for their 40th (that was fun to arrange), or loading a cash credit onto my sisters hotel account before she checked in so she arrived with "BTD" money added to the trip.

Stuff like that. That's what I'd be doing for a deer friend or family member, who has all their stuff and doesn't need money, if they were getting married now. I'd find out where the honeymoon was going to be and arrange for a gift there that they aren't expecting, that would make the trip nicer.

 

[Golden sunsets]

That would be my advice to you, too. [emoji23]

Oh I have never held it against him. A single clueless guy, he has always been. But it did make an impression on me, obviously.

 

[Jerry1]

How would you feel if you received a wedding gift from a close sibling that was quite noticeably "less" than you were expecting, given their fancy, spendy, country-club lifestyle? Let's say the gift amounted to about the same as the sibling and spouse would spend on a typical dinner out at a decently nice restaurant. Or that the gift was less than the one-night cost of a hotel where they'd typically stay while traveling or vacationing. This is a sibling you are very close to, spend many hours per year (happily) with, and there is no strain or trouble (that you're aware of) in the relationship. Would receiving such a paltry gift from this sibling make you feel like they are sending a not-so-subtle message about how relatively little they care about your new marriage, or perhaps, about you generally? How much would you read into such a gesture?

So they gave you the gift of dinner at a decently nice restaurant. That’s not a bad gift at all. At this point in my life, I wouldn’t want anyone trying to give me anything material/physical. I’m in downsizing mode. The gift of money allows you to do whatever you want.

Of course in this case, the amount is the concern. I wouldn’t read anything into it. Gift giving is not easy. Too little and people think you’re cheap or, as in this case, you have an issue. Too much and people think you’re showing off. You just accept gifts at face value and move on. They thought enough to give you something. That’s a good thing. Go have a decently nice dinner and enjoy the day.