Coming To Grips With Your Own Mortality

[Souschef]

i'll be 72 in. a few weeks and so far i've outlived my dad (dead at 48). i have health issues that i try to take care of. my wife will be 71 in october and is relatively healthy but can't drive, can't use the internet and has a poor short term memory. no kids. my concern...obsessive concern...is how will she take care of herself if i pass first. it sometimes keeps me awake late into the night.

Dear RK.
I understand your situation. I was caregiver for my wife for 12 years. At one point the stress was so great I ended up in the ER.
Please take care of yourself. Try to get someone in once in a while so you get some respite.

 

[sengsational]

It's pretty basic thinking to insist on 3 dimensions plus time, so I'm going with string theory, which requires another 7 dimensions (I think). I've always had a hard time with everything (before and after the grave) being modeled on a middle eastern monarchy from early human history. When we stay in "normal" scale, things seem normal, but get really big, really small, really fast, and it gets weird. Really weird. That tells me what humans are capable of understanding is far from the whole picture.

If I was nothing and not in eternal darkness before I was conceived and gestated, then I don't figure I'll worry too much about returning there. So the being dead part isn't too big of a problem, whether the energy continues or not. It's the process of dying that's the worry. Loosing the ability to do stuff. Leaving people behind that depend on you. And that "Me" ego that wants to be in control. As things go south, it can be a constant struggle as more control is wrested away.

I've heard there are promising studies using magic mushrooms that address existential stress of a terminal disease diagnosis. These are just popping up now, after being buried for 50 years.

 

[Koolau]

I find this to be one of the more odd things about religious beliefs in an afterlife. Why would anyone fear death (or the process of dying) if it leads to an eternity of perfect bliss and ecstasy? If I were such a believer, I certainly wouldn't fear death... quite the opposite. Having said that, I don't begrudge anyone their beliefs or feelings about death and the afterlife. These notions have confounded the mind of man since time immemorial.

If I didn't make it clear, it is the dying process I fear. I've seen too many folks die in pain. I don't fear going to sleep and not waking up (here).

 

[Koolau]

I do believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in the Christian Triune God of the Christian Bible.
I know I’m of bad moral character compared to the standard of God’s moral perfection. I need only to examine myself against the ten commandments to see that I fail every one. From a legal perspective, if I’m guilty of breaking God’s law, he will punish me. If he is just. Which he is. So I’m doomed to Hell due to my own sin. However, in addition to being just, God is rich in mercy. He sent his son Jesus to live a perfect, without sin, life. And then to die on the cross to pay my penalty. So this dilemma between being just and being merciful is resolved through the work of Jesus on the cross. My fine is paid because of what Jesus did for me. Why? Because I trust in Jesus for my salvation and I repent of my sins and am spiritually reborn into living a life in obedience to God’s commands as best I can. Not because it’s required for entry into Heaven. But because of the gratitude for what Jesus has done for me. I’m very far from perfect on this side of Heaven. But I struggle on to live as God wants.

This knowledge of salvation provides great peace to me when considering my own mortality and what’s to come. Think I would be terrified otherwise.

The people I knew who believed this, even if they died in pain, died with hope. I'm praying for no pain, but I will take what comes. Thanks for the gospel summary.

 

[rk911]

I remember a quote from a program about aging. The quote went like "Everyone wants to get to heaven, but no one wants to get on the bus.".

"Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna go tonight..."
Joe Diffiie, Prop Me Up Beside The Jukebox

 

[rk911]

Dear RK.
I understand your situation. I was caregiver for my wife for 12 years. At one point the stress was so great I ended up in the ER.
Please take care of yourself. Try to get someone in once in a while so you get some respite.

thanks for the post. the present...it's under control. i do the shopping, meal prep and laundry. we have a bi-weekly housekeeper and a crew that cuts the lawn and does snow removal. my wife is ambulatory and can perform most daily tasks. i hire out other major tasks that I can't or don't wan to do.

the future...that's what worries me. trying to put as much on auto-pilot as possible. but i don't see how she will care for herself or the house or our finances when i'm gone. assisted living or CCOC is about the only answer. we do have a trust in place but this is never far from my thoughts.

again, thanks and my condolences on your loss.

 

[Dash man]

A few years back I turned my life around. I had been a “Christian” all my life, because I was raised as one, but didn’t really live as one. A few years back I started studying the history of the church and read about the history behind the reformation and before that, the early church fathers. I realized how I had been misled, and became a member of the church Christ founded. There is so much bad information out there, you really need to read a lot to understand the Christian faith. It’s changed my life and I believe there is paradise awaiting those who persevere to the end.

 

[street]

If I didn't make it clear, it is the dying process I fear. I've seen too many folks die in pain. I don't fear going to sleep and not waking up (here).

Yes, I'm not concerned with death, but I don't want to end up in a nursing home.

I'm not afraid of death but when I go, I hope it is with my boots on not in a bed.

As a Christain it makes it much easier when those hard times come so I don't worry about it.

 

[Koolau]

Yes, I'm not concerned with death, but I don't want to end up in a nursing home.

I'm not afraid of death but when I go, I hope it is with my boots on not in a bed.

Heh, heh, don't own any boots, but I know what you mean. I'd be okay with dropping dead watching yet another beautiful sunset, putting up our miniature Christmas tree, sitting by the beach and watching the waves roll in. But, my ideal is simply not to wake up some wonderful morning. What a way to go! Uh, but not just yet.

 

[Chuckanut]

"Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna go tonight..."
Joe Diffiie, Prop Me Up Beside The Jukebox

Didn't St. Augustine write something like "Lord, make me chaste and celibate, but not yet."

 

[skyking1]

I'm with Midpack's first post. Don't put things off. Not because you may not be around, but for most folks, you won't be more capable later. Do it while the doing is good!!

 

[donheff]

For some reason death doesn't worry me at all (yet). I even reacted with equanimity when an orthopedic doc looking at my broken hip Xray mistakenly advised me that I had cancerous spots on the bone - likely from metastatic prostate cancer. It took about a month to confirm that I had no such thing but in the meantime I was surprisingly calm about a rapid death sentence. Now approaching 74 with slowly developing Parkinson's my concern is not fear of death but rather control of death if my quality of life deteriorates. I expect this to become the primary issue facing me within about 10 years. There are no good options in the US and I don't want to fly to Switzerland to end my days.

 

[old medic]

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
In 36 years as a medic, the reality of mortality has been ground in. It will get here whether I worry about it or not, so if I worry about anything, its going to be about something I can change.

 

[street]

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
In 36 years as a medic, the reality of mortality has been ground in. It will get here whether I worry about it or not, so if I worry about anything, its going to be about something I can change.

You said it all and how it will be.

 

[jollystomper]

Because I saw sudden, violent death too many times by my early teens, I came to grips with my mortality many years ago. So I feel blessed to have made it this far, and just take every day as a blessing. I will have no complaints whenever my life on earth does end .

 

[Midpack]

…my concern is not fear of death but rather control of death if my quality of life deteriorates. I expect this to become the primary issue facing me within about 10 years. There are no good options in the US and I don't want to fly to Switzerland to end my days.

+1. Losing quality of life scares me WAY more than death itself - all the reason more to stay mentally and physically active and as healthy as possible. Voluntary sedentary is asking for trouble IMO. My Dad lived to be 96, he would have chosen to end his life years sooner.

 

[oldphd]

At age 39 I had an unexpected emergency life saving operation. Docs estimated I had about 12 hours to live without intervention. I spent 5 days in the hospital recovering. Plenty of time to consider one's mortality. It changed my outlook on how I conduct my life, finding a balance between live for today and save for tomorrow. This change in attitude helped me to retire early and enjoy my years more than I would have otherwise.

At age 54, I experienced another life threatening event. I wasn't entirely coherent during this event, but when it started, I had a couple of minutes where I thought I was a goner, and mainly wanted to get back into my house so my wife wouldn't find me in the backyard. As luck would have it, I made it through. I recall thinking that it wasn't a painful way to go, just sort of fading away into nothingness.

Lots of interesting comments here, some I agree with, some not so much. One that strikes home is that I've seen two different people live into their late 90s in a condition that they didn't enjoy, and would've preferred to end it sooner. Here's hoping we can all find a balance to Live Long AND Prosper

 

[Calico]

I never gave much thought to my mortality.

Then in 2018 I was diagnosed with cancer. During the next 6 months of treatment (and 12 months of recovery from said treatment) I had a LOT of time to think about my mortality.

I am now four years cancer-free. I consider every day to be a gift, and I don't take life for granted any more.

As far as what happens after we die, I think we fade to nothingness. Which is fine with me.

I'm more interested in having a positive effect in the lives of my loved ones; hopefully a few folks will remember me fondly after I'm gone. That's enough for me.

 

[brett]

For some reason death doesn't worry me at all (yet). I even reacted with equanimity when an orthopedic doc looking at my broken hip Xray mistakenly advised me that I had cancerous spots on the bone - likely from metastatic prostate cancer. It took about a month to confirm that I had no such thing but in the meantime I was surprisingly calm about a rapid death sentence. Now approaching 74 with slowly developing Parkinson's my concern is not fear of death but rather control of death if my quality of life deteriorates. I expect this to become the primary issue facing me within about 10 years. There are no good options in the US and I don't want to fly to Switzerland to end my days.

This is my only fear. I have had a charmed life up to now.

Fortunately medically assisted dying (MAID) is legal and available where we live.

DW and I at are very opposite ends of spectrum about this. I believe firmly that I have the right to choose and that no one should deny me this right. Being at opposite ends of the spectrum would not change my opinion/decision should the time come.

The trick is to make this choice and move forward with it before being declared mentally incompetent to do so.

 

[Gumby]

Military service when you are young can cause you to come to grips with your own mortality. When I was a submariner spending months at a time under water, death was only an inch or so of steel away, every minute of every day. There were two memorable occasions when it was unclear whether we would survive the next ten minutes.

I'm sure that those who were in other climes getting shot at with malicious intent had their own epiphanies.

 

[marko]

To each his/her own beliefs. Before I was born H2ODude had no conscious awareness, I certainly don't recall any preincarnation existence. I don't expect anything after this one. And that's OK. Tough to take in many ways, but that's just it for me.

When our nephew, now a grown man, was about 4 or 5 years old, he would constantly comment about having done this or that "when I was big and lived with the other people ". Spooky.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I want to stay as healthy as possible, enjoy my remaining years and keep my family healthy, too. We're doing extensive biomarker testing insurance doesn't cover, much more than a regular physical, and the results have been amazing. We've flagged a number of conditions linked to serious health issues so far already. It is not a 100% guarantee of good health, but I'm all for upping the odds, especially when the tests are so simple and cheap, and most of the fixes relatively easy with diet adjustments and natural supplements. We have the money, so what better way to use it than for better health.

 

[Turbo29]

Verus, leaving Lucilla behind, then Lucilla. Maximus,
leaving Secunda. And Secunda. Diotimus, leaving
Epitynchanus. Then Epitynchanus. Faustina, leaving
Antoninus. Then Antoninus.
So with all of them.
Hadrian, leaving Celer. And Celer.
Where have they gone, the brilliant, the insightful ones, the
proud? Brilliant as Charax and Demetrius the Platonist and
Eudaemon and the rest of them. Short-lived creatures, long
dead. Some of them not remembered at all, some become
legends, some lost even to legend.
So remember: your components will be scattered too, the
life within you quenched. Or marching orders and another
posting.


--Marcus Aurelius, Meditations


And the book ends like this:


You’ve lived as a citizen in a great city. Five years or a
hundred—what’s the difference? The laws make no
distinction.
And to be sent away from it, not by a tyrant or a dishonest
judge, but by Nature, who first invited you in—why is that so
terrible?
Like the impresario ringing down the curtain on an actor:
“But I’ve only gotten through three acts . . . !”
Yes. This will be a drama in three acts, the length fixed by
the power that directed your creation, and now directs your
dissolution. Neither was yours to determine.
So make your exit with grace—the same grace shown to
you.

 

[razztazz]

I recall thinking that it wasn't a painful way to go, just sort of fading away into nothingness. ....

...One that strikes home is that I've seen two different people live into their late 90s in a condition that they didn't enjoy, and would've preferred to end it sooner. Here's hoping we can all find a balance to Live Long AND Prosper

I've mentioned it before. Two yrs ago I was literally watching the clock count down the seconds. Fortunately, it never got to zero and I didn't get to see "The Other Side." It was almost shockingly underwhelming. Nothing like what I imagined. One "good thing" to come out of the heart attack is my chances of living long enough to suffer years of deterioration, feebleness, Alzheimers are only slightly better than zero. And any other major medical event e.g. stroke, Parkinson's, etc will be beyond my ability to withstand for very long. So, it's like nothing but good times ahead because I won't survive anything else.

 

[pacergal]

Interesting topic. I don't think I deal with it well but my main focus is to live my life knowing that tomorrow is not a given. Frankly, I'm dealing with a big dose of that right now.

A few weeks ago back in June, I would have told you I was pretty healthy. Going about my business and doing fine. Since then, due to an odd/rare autoimmune issue, I have lost all kidney function and am on dialysis the rest of my life unless I get a transplant. Further, the treatment for the autoimmune issue is not a lot of fun plus the way they treat it is to shut down the immune system. All to say, my outlook of living to 90 like my father has now changed. So dealing with mortality is in the front of my mind these days, but it still boils down to one day at a time. I guess that's how I deal with it. Some days are better than others.

Jerry1--You are in my prayers.

My belief system allows me to know/feel that I will move on to a better place, spiritual and loving, no pain or sorrow and be with those who have gone before me.
Leaving will be hard, the physical part being here with family. But I believe I will be with them in spirit, as I often feel my parents and others are here with me as I walk my path in life.
The most worrisome to me, is what happens beforehand. Hopefully/wishfully, I am healthy and well until suddenly I am gone. I do not wish for a lingering passing.