Awkward situation with friends

[ivinsfan]

Everyone has given excellent advice.

OTOH, my experience has been that people who like to drink a lot of alcohol (four drinks with dinner qualifies as a lot, to me - after two and a half, I'd be in the bathroom throwing up) generally don't keep company with non-drinkers. It may be more than the friendship is worth, to call attention to the situation.

This thread turned into a game of telephone..the OP said 3 or 4 drinks between them which is different then 6-8 per couple.

 

[Dtail]

My additional response is in FLA, they even ask you upfront about separate checks most of the time and will never refuse separate check request.
A different point is I am not sure that the other couple wouldn't realize that their portion of the bill would naturally be larger and is just not saying anything.

 

[Ronstar]

It's way less awkward to ask for separate checks, what if the non drinking couple has an extra app or a more expensive meal.

True, but I’m thinking that if you don’t ask for separate checks up front, splitting a single check between 2 cards works almost as well.

 

[Midpack]

This wouldn't be a big issue with real friends IME.

We have longstanding friends who have always asked for separate checks, and others who don't - in which case we split the bill. Any friends of ours who spent a lot more than we did would proactively pony up more than half. We are more than happy to go either way, and let the other couple(s) take the initiative. When we are in a splitting the bill in half situation, we are mindful not to order noticeably more than the other couple, not saying we add things up in our heads - just order similar to the other couple regarding courses.

If any "friends" really took advantage of us at a restaurant, it would be a long time (if ever) that we went to a restaurant with them again. Never had that happen, though we did have a friendship that we consciously let die because the other couple wanted to go to expensive restaurants far more often than we do. Guess we've never had real friends that would find this awkward...

 

[marko]

Separate checks and split checks are not the same thing. Unless you tell the server up front that you want separate checks, he/she has to then go back and remember who had what meal, what appetizer, what drinks, desert etc. Just what they need on a busy Saturday night!

My dear, recently departed mom would say "...if it's that big a deal to you, you should stay home!" (harumpf!)

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Separate checks and split checks are not the same thing. Unless you tell the server up front that you want separate checks, he/she has to then go back and remember who had what meal, what appetizer, what drinks, desert etc. Just what they need on a busy Saturday night!

My dear, recently departed mom would say "...if it's that big a deal to you, you should stay home!" (harumpf!)

Although it been YEARS since I waited tables, most servers know to ask about splitting checks if it looks like they might not be "together" as it saves a LOT of time. Plus, most places that are efficient also train the staff (or have a system) to know who orders what...each table has a numbered seat which *should* be noted when taking the order. Any server who doesn't do this will learn very quickly to adapt or perpetually "be in the weeds." And...I do NOT miss those days!

 

[jollystomper]

There is a saying about friends: "those who matter do not mind, those who mind do not matter".

I would not hesitate to bring up to your friends "we do not drink anyone". If they feel you should still be paying for half their drinks, well... I wonder how good friends they are. Personally I choose not to buy alcoholic drinks for other people, and no one has ever given me an issue over that.

Rare today is the restaurant that will not do separate checks. Sometimes it depends on the size of a group. But for 2 couples, that is a no brainer. Be sure to always tell them up front. We have done with with as many as 10 couples (we did make it easier for the server but having all the couples sit together). I question a restaurant that would not do that and choose to lose business. Do not assume, ask them.

P.S. Sometimes, even when we have asked for separate checks, one couple will tell the server to bring them all of the checks and pick up the bill for the entire meal. So one can still choose to be generous with separate checks.

 

[FindingForward]

It amazes me that your friends have not noticed you are not drinking and said anything about paying for their drinks separately!

Exactly! Maybe I'm just overly conscious about stuff like this, but as soon as I saw that the other couple was not ordering any alcohol, I'd immediately offer to cover my drinks 100% on my own, then split the rest of the check. Or ask for separate checks and explain why - so they don't have to pay for my drinks. I would never put the other couple in the awkward position of having to bring this up...I feel the obligation is on me to do that.

When I'm out with a good friend, we just take turns picking up the tab, but she tends to order pricier entrees/apps, etc than me and I tend to enjoy a cocktail or two, so it all evens out. lol

I don't believe this couple is that clueless that they aren't seeing the disparity - I think they're just ignoring it.

 

[RobbieB]

I agree. I would notice non-drinkers at drink #1. Three or four each? No way Jose.

Or you could do the "RobbieB" as suggested and get steak & lobster to even it out -

 

[Teacher Terry]

It might be a west coast thing about the checks. Many places won’t do separate checks for 8 or more people and some won’t do them at all. Everyone that belongs to my dining group knows that you need to have cash. This is the only part of the country that I have experienced this.

 

[COcheesehead]

Almost any place can do split checks. Its an option on the merchant credit card software. The split can be by amount or percentage.

 

[Scuba]

When you're looking over the menu, ask yourself the following question.

What would Robbie order?

That should even things up some. Might even get your friends to ask for separate checks.

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

[Scuba]

Thank you all for your responses. Some really helpful thoughts for sure. I would be most comfortable just getting separate checks in the future. That way we can all order whatever we want and pay only for what we consume. It’s rare that we share any dishes, so that won’t make it difficult and even if we did share something we ordered occasionally, I wouldn’t mind covering the shared dish.

I think the direct approach without making it into a big deal feels most natural to me - “Since it looks like we aren’t going to be drinking alcohol most of the time now, are you ok if we ask for separate checks?” Said as we sit down before the server takes orders. I can’t imagine a “no” answer to that - what would someone say - “No, I would like you to continue to pay for my drinks.” Doubtful anyone would say that.

I organize small and large events for my social group and have talked with literally dozens of restaurants about separate checks. Most of the restaurants we work with will not do individual checks, but will offer one check per table, even if we only have a few tables. However, I haven’t asked about separate checks if it’s only two couples so perhaps they’ll accommodate that. I can certainly call and ask in advance before we select a restaurant.

Reflecting on what some have said about $30 here and there not being worth jeopardizing a friendship over, my issue is that I resent being taken advantage of. It may be completely unintentional, but it’s hard for me to think that’s the case because DH and I have always offered to pay more when we are out with others and we order more courses and/or drink more. I can’t imagine ordering $60 of alcohol with tax and tip while another couple drinks water and expecting them to split it with me.

Our friends are well aware that we no longer drink alcohol, as we have socialized several times over the last several months and we’ve made it very clear that we don’t drink any more. They are not excessive drinkers, but each person typically has 1-2 drinks each if we are out at a restaurant and the restaurants we tend to patronize charge $12-$18 per drink before tax and tip.

I admire those of you who could just let this go on a continuing basis and not sweat it. I guess I’m too frugal/cheap to do that, and if this were to continue indefinitely, I would no longer want to go out with these friends as I would feel taken advantage of. I’d rather not let the friendship go without addressing this, so for me it’s better to just be direct and ask for what I think is right and if they have an issue with it and no longer want to spend time with us, that will be their choice. I hope that won’t be the outcome.

It occurs to me that this could happen with others too. Virtually all of our friends drink alcohol. We have only recently begun to dine out again given the time needed for recovery from our health issues. This situation made me realize that we had better get comfortable with the simple and direct approach with all of our friends as it could happen with others if we don’t say anything up front.

 

[Finance Dave]

State your feelings upfront in a pleasant truthful way when you are not in the restaurant.
Good friends should understand this concept.

+1...I don't know why people beat around the bush with friends.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

We have had a few restaurants over the years refuse to do separate checks for 2 or 3 couples, but probably 90% or more around us are usually okay with it. It is different for bigger groups. DH has a club that goes out to lunch, and they have a limited number of restaurants they circle through that will do separate checks for 10 - 15 customers.

 

[Luvtoride]

Scuba, I’m glad this lively and passionate thread you started helped bring clarity to your dilemma. Please keep us posted as to how it goes when you take the “asking if they mind getting separate checks” approach next time you socialize with the couple.
Good luck.

 

[marko]

+1...I don't know why people beat around the bush with friends.

Sometimes that the best way to stay friends.

 

[Aerides]

I think the direct approach without making it into a big deal feels most natural to me - “Since it looks like we aren’t going to be drinking alcohol most of the time now, are you ok if we ask for separate checks?” Said as we sit down before the server takes orders. I can’t imagine a “no” answer to that - what would someone say - “No, I would like you to continue to pay for my drinks.” Doubtful anyone would say that.

They almost certainly won't, but personally I'd bring it up at the next invite - whether phone text, etc., so it's asked/answered before you get to the restaurant. That way if there's any discomfort, it's shaken off long before you sit down.

You are right though, if it were me and DH, having two drinks each while you had none, I'd offer to pay all the tip or something to even things out a bit if separate checks weren't planned.

(And for those on the "lots of alcohol there!" front - a dinner for 4 is gonna take a couple hours. 2 drinks over 2 hours is not a heavy drinker)

 

[kgtest]

A little off subject but a funny story nonetheless. When DW and I first started dating her family would always celebrate birthday's with dinners out to moderately upscale and somewhat spendy/trendy restaurants around town. I remember the first birthday dinner out for her family (it was her father's) I tried to offer to pay for at least my portion of the bill and her father laughed at me a little. Not a rude laugh, but just a chuckle.

FF about a year or so later of this dinner out for birthdays tradition and it was her father's birthday dinner again. I think I made a comment like I can cover ours and your portion of the bill. He chuckled again and paid the bill. Then it was my WIFE's birthday and I had stopped asking at that point. When the bill came, he tossed the billfold over to me and smiled. They all ordered appetizers, expensive drinks, spendy entree's and desert. I believe I remember seeing a number that started in the $900 range...I did the math and was like, daang after tip this one meal will cost us over $1000. I politely closed the ledger and gave him back the leather billfold that held our "tab".

I stopped asking from then on out. Nowadays, we do take them out to dinner maybe once a year, but it nowhere even's up the "tab" in terms of how often they pay for us to dine.

 

[pb4uski]

Scuba, I’m glad this lively and passionate thread you started helped bring clarity to your dilemma. Please keep us posted as to how it goes when you take the “asking if they mind getting separate checks” approach next time you socialize with the couple.
Good luck.

I don't think you even really need to take up the issue with the couple. At your next outing as you are ordering just tell the waiter... could we have a separate check please, we are together (motioning to your DW).

If the other couple asks why then you can either guise it as you want to splurge on a nicer meal and pay for the extra cost yourself or you can get into the drinks issue.

 

[NW-Bound]

... we drank water while they had 3-4 drinks between them...

3 or 4 drinks between them? Yesterday, at a restaurant in Vieux Lyon, I had 4 drinks for myself.

I started out with a carafe of 1/4 liter of rosé (called a quart here, good for 2 glasses) to share with my wife, but she did not drink. So, I had to finish it myself. Then, when the main dish of quenelle came out, I switched to a glass of Beaujolais. Then, after dinner, I had a shot of Chartreuse.

Oh, but back to the thread topic, we don't eat out with friends often, so this dilemma does not happen.

And by the way, I don't usually drink that much. But we are traveling, and I was having a good time. Afterwards, we just strolled back to the hotel, so there was no danger of driving drunk. And to tell the truth, I did not feel tipsy at all.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

Yes, this is an awkward situation! I'm not sure what I'd say to smooth it over, but I sure wouldn't pay for half their drinks. Maybe I'd grab the bill first, and say, "now, subtracting the drinks first, looks like our share for half of just the food is $40, and $40 for your half plus $60 for drinks is $100." ?

That's what I do when I'm a 5th wheel out with 2 couples. I figure out the cost of my meal, tax and tip and toss my payment out there first. Even when everyone else is offering to pay since they invited me, I just make it clear that I'd rather pay my own way being that everything is costing so much these days.
When I was working, I picked up the tab all the time for family get togethers but now I'm on a fixed income and I no longer feel the need to do that.

In the OP's case, I'd just say do you mind if we get separate checks since we're no longer drinking alcohol these days and have that conversation before you order. If it offends them that much then they're not real friends.

 

[youbet]

I don't get the idea of two or three couples getting a single check and splitting it. Whether differences in each couples' tab are from alcohol, appetizers, desserts or expensive entree choices doesn't matter. (This thread focused on alcohol, but the differences don't have to be limited to that!) A single check makes dining with a group way too complicated and constraining. DW and I want to order and enjoy whatever we want to order and enjoy without the constant backdrop of wondering if you are offending anyone by having cocktails, dessert, wine, appetizer, etc. Nor do we want to subsidize others if they're in the mood to run up the bill that day. Everyone order what they want and enjoy your meal unconstrained by how your choices are impacting others!

 

[youbet]

In the OP's case, I'd just say do you mind if we get separate checks since we're no longer drinking alcohol these days and have that conversation before you order. If it offends them that much then they're not real friends.

Why even link the choice to do separate checks to alcohol? When the server comes to take orders, just immediately and casually say "separate checks please." I think there is more likelihood of the other couple being offended by you connecting your separate check choice to their moderate alcohol consumption vs your zero alcohol consumption than if you just ask for separate checks and leave it at that.

 

[ivinsfan]

Why even link the choice to do separate checks to alcohol? When the server comes to take orders, just immediately and casually say "separate checks please." I think there is more likelihood of the other couple being offended by you connecting your separate check choice to their moderate alcohol consumption vs your zero alcohol consumption than if you just ask for separate checks and leave it at that.

The long standing arrangement for these guys had been to split checks..so either way would work,