Awkward situation with friends

[youbet]

DH and I have friends we have dinner with regularly, often in our homes but sometimes out.

Scuba......... Do you keep some alcohol on hand to offer these friends when they dine at your home? Or now that you're not drinking, is it "water with a twist" for everyone?

Perhaps you could let them know what you're serving so they could BYOB their own wine if they'd enjoy a glass with those sumptuous rib-eyes you're grilling ?

Dining at home seems like a touchier situation to cope with than handling checks when dining out if the precedent at home has been for you to offer a cocktail during pre-dinner gab sessions and perhaps a glass of wine with dinner and now are stopping cold turkey. At the restaurant, you can likely switch to separate checks and everyone gets what they want. At home, well it just seems more complicated to figure out and yet hasn't been mentioned in the thread beyond your mention that at-home dining is common for you and your friends.

 

[Sunset]

....

Reflecting on what some have said about $30 here and there not being worth jeopardizing a friendship over, my issue is that I resent being taken advantage of. It may be completely unintentional, ...

I would feel the same, and always prefer to pay for our own food/drinks etc so I don't pay for freeloaders (have 1 relative like this) or worry I'm ordering way too expensive items compared to others.

Best to deal with it.

 

[CaptTom]

I read this whole thread. I keep feeling like maybe if the OP is "touchy" about asking for separate checks, their dinner companions might feel the same about suggesting it. They might be relieved if the subject is broached.

I would never have gotten into the habit of splitting a check in half to begin with. I know some people prefer that, but it seems a bit pretentious to me. A BTD attitude, if you will.

 

[youbet]

I would never have gotten into the habit of splitting a check in half to begin with.

+1

Splitting checks is generally a bad habit with eventual bad feelings IMHO. I'm forced into it from time to time, primarily with groups of buddies out for lunch and I usually feel like I'm way under or way over average and either subsidizing others or getting subsidized. Blaaah........

I go to these events for the companionship and camaraderie of being with some fellow geezers I've known and liked for decades. I don't really need what I order (expensive or inexpensive) to be part of the group dynamics. So just give me my own check without fanfare or discussions as to what the group tip should be, etc.

I also don't like to spend lunch listening to others go on and on about the frugal strategies (water with a twist instead of a beer, soft drink or coffee for example) they use to keep their bill down. If that's their thing, fine, and they'll get their own separate check reflecting their savings they can quietly and privately reveal in. I don't need to spend lunch listening to it and since it's not going to be a group bill, what folks order is nobody's business but their own.

 

[Scuba]

Scuba......... Do you keep some alcohol on hand to offer these friends when they dine at your home? Or now that you're not drinking, is it "water with a twist" for everyone?

Perhaps you could let them know what you're serving so they could BYOB their own wine if they'd enjoy a glass with those sumptuous rib-eyes you're grilling ?

Dining at home seems like a touchier situation to cope with than handling checks when dining out if the precedent at home has been for you to offer a cocktail during pre-dinner gab sessions and perhaps a glass of wine with dinner and now are stopping cold turkey. At the restaurant, you can likely switch to separate checks and everyone gets what they want. At home, well it just seems more complicated to figure out and yet hasn't been mentioned in the thread beyond your mention that at-home dining is common for you and your friends.

Good question. We are very generous when people come over to our home for a meal. We have a substantial wine collection and enjoy sharing it with others we're entertaining. Just because we aren't drinking much any more is no reason to waste good wine. We also have a pretty full liquor cabinet which we are happy to share with those who prefer liquor, although we tell people to bring their own mixers if they want anything that isn't very basic since we don't have an extensive selection of mixers for craft cocktails.

Eventually we may run out of wine and liquor, but it will be a long time. When we do, we'll probably buy some wine for visitors to enjoy, and I imagine over time as our friends appreciate that the change we've made is long term, they'll BYOB.

 

[aja8888]

Good question. We are very generous when people come over to our home for a meal. We have a substantial wine collection and enjoy sharing it with others we're entertaining. Just because we aren't drinking much any more is no reason to waste good wine. We also have a pretty full liquor cabinet which we are happy to share with those who prefer liquor, although we tell people to bring their own mixers if they want anything that isn't very basic since we don't have an extensive selection of mixers for craft cocktails.

Eventually we may run out of wine and liquor, but it will be a long time. When we do, we'll probably buy some wine for visitors to enjoy, and I imagine over time as our friends appreciate that the change we've made is long term, they'll BYOB.

Even though neither of us drink alcohol, and haven't for a long time, we still have a stock of wine and hard spirits at home for guests. Beer can spoil so I don't keep any and will go get some if I know there are beer drinkers coming over.

 

[Scuba]

Even though neither of us drink alcohol, and haven't for a long time, we still have a stock of wine and hard spirits at home for guests. Beer can spoil so I don't keep any and will go get some if I know there are beer drinkers coming over.

Same.

 

[mystang52]

I didn't see all replies so this obvious-to-me solution may have already been mentioned. If they are true friends, you can just nicely tell them that you enjoy dining with them, but since you no longer drink you would prefer that the cost of the drinks not be part of the bill that you split. Frankly, I have a hard time accepting that your friends are not aware of the disparity, and if true that says something about them. FWIW, good friends of ours do not drink. When we go out to dinner with them, we usually get there a bit earlier. We order - and pay for - our drinks ahead of time. If our friends get to the restaurant first, we don't drink at all.

ETA: I found this thread interesting so have now read all replies, and see that the OP already wrote follow-up comments. Drinks add a substantial amount to the bill, so it makes sense that a drinking couple should pay the full freight of their drinks. Other than that, I would not bring up the issue of separate checks. When DW and I dine alone, we often split one entree, or may even order an appetizer as our main meal. When we go out with another couple, we will each order our own entree - that's what doggie bags are for when there are leftovers.
We almost never eat appetizers, but many of our friends enjoy them. I have no problem splitting the check even though we usually don't partake in the appetizers.

 

[jesaco]

I agree, suck it up or stop going out with such friends.

Let me throw in one other variation of this "inequality" in dining costs. I had gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago and since then my food consumption is very limited. When my wife and I go out (by ourselves or with friends) we order ONE entree and share it (she isn't a big eater either). So regardless of whether there is alcohol drinking involved (sometimes there is) or not, we are always less than 1/2 of the food bill. We ALWAYS split the check equally when with friends. Some friends have been "uncomfortable" at first and offer to pay more or add the tip to their portion of the charge. We usually decline and just say its ok, we don't mind. We don't view this as BTD, but rather the price we pay for maintaining our social relationships.

As others have stated here, either stop going out as often with the big drinkers or suck it up. I wouldn't raise it and risk the friendship.

Totally agree. My wife and I are the same. sometimes we split the check evenly, sometimes we pay it all, sometimes our friends pay it all, if our friends pay the bill, we offer to pay the tip and vice versa. We cannot imagine losing our friendship and spending a good time being together just for money. If its not going to break the bank, Let it go unless money is more important than thier friendship.

 

[Teacher Terry]

The posts that say to just suck it up and pay as it’s the cost of friendship are ridiculous. A real friend doesn’t want you to pay more than your fair share and take advantage of you. Good friends are considerate.

For example during the past year another friend and I have been helping a guy we were friends with at work whose wife abandoned him because he is sick. Her and I have taken him to many doctor’s appointments, packed and unpacked him twice to move to assisted living, make all his appointments, pick up his medications, etc. He takes us to lunch afterwards if up to it. He has tried to pay for our gas but we said no. That to me is what a real friend does.

 

[pacergal]

Agree. True friends will not take advantage of you, which is why I remain amazed that Scubas drinking friends have not recognized that scuba and spouse are Not drinking and said something.
When we go out with good friends, we either split 50/50 or take turns picking up the entire check. It usually evens out over time. If at any time, I was feeling being taken advantage of, it's either time to say something or re evaluate that friendship!

 

[jesaco]

The posts that say to just suck it up and pay as it’s the cost of friendship are ridiculous. A real friend doesn’t want you to pay more than your fair share and take advantage of you. Good friends are considerate. p

As was mentioned, Sometimes WE pay, sometimes THEY pay...so no one is taking advantage of the other. "Sucking it up" means you pay ALL the time and the other party just joins and not contributing to anything. I believe a real friend does not treat everything friends do together as a business transaction.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Jesaco, I agree with you and actually my post was directed towards the people that said paying more was the price of friendship. Taking turns paying definitely works also.

 

[Badger]

The posts that say to just suck it up and pay as it’s the cost of friendship are ridiculous. A real friend doesn’t want you to pay more than your fair share and take advantage of you. Good friends are considerate.

+1 Absolutely



Cheers!

 

[Time2]

Just order a couple of big expensive steaks cooked rare, TO GO. Then reheat them tomorrow. I love next day steak! Always cook extra on the grill for later.

Anyway, they may bring up the fact that it's not fair, and then say, maybe we should get separate checks.

 

[SecondAttempt]

The posts that say to just suck it up and pay as it’s the cost of friendship are ridiculous. A real friend doesn’t want you to pay more than your fair share and take advantage of you. Good friends are considerate.

If I were the one paying, I would want my friends to have a good time and not feel like they have to skimp. I would not care that they had drinks and I did not by choice. I don't agree with your first sentence but I do agree with the rest. I have never been a big steak eater, though I do enjoy one occasionally, I typically don't order the most expensive thing on a menu (unless it is lobster). But I do find myself looking more carefully at price if someone else is paying so I guess that is being considerate.

I guess to me it would really depend on the relationship. Close friends I would not hesitate to be honest with. But if they are just "foodie friends" that I just enjoyed dining with and not much else then I would probably just suck it up and not worry about it.

 

[Katsmeow]

I gotta say I don't understand this concept of splitting checks down the middle. I don't think I have ever done that in my life. I've sometimes paid for the whole table when I didn't want to deal with figuring out people's shares or separate checks weren't possible. But, I would feel constrained regularly splitting checks. That is, I would feel I had to eat from the middle of the menu for example or might not order a side dish if my companions weren't.

So, for me, I would get separate checks (check with the restaurant in advance if you think it might be an issue). If the restaurant wouldn't do them I would probably eat elsewhere. If I chose to eat there, I would whip out my phone and do the math for my share plus tip and pay that. (In cash if necessary)

I would never have the established splitting that OP had so would just explain why the change. But, in future, would do as above from the start.

 

[youbet]

Splitting a single check seems to focus the dining event on how to pay the bill, what to order and silly tricks to “even things out.” Separate checks completely removes finances from the meal. When your check comes, pay it. No fretting over who had drinks, split a single entree, ordered dessert or whatever.

 

[marko]

93 posts and a lot of angst over 30 bucks worth of drinks.

 

[Dtail]

93 posts and a lot of angst over 30 bucks worth of drinks.

It's the concept. Always separate checks with our friends and then one can truly just concentrate on good food and conversation.

 

[marko]

It's the concept. Always separate checks with our friends and then one can truly just concentrate on good food and conversation.

Understood. Just seems like a lot of energy spent over an insubstantial sum. When they say "it's not about money, it's about the principle....it's usually about the money "

When we go out to eat, what it costs is the last thing on my mind; with rare exceptions it's always going to be "around" X dollars, plus or minus. I've already spent that money in my head before we even left the house.

Maybe it's me. It usually is. Mom didn't cook so we grew up in restaurants; breakfast, lunch and dinner

 

[Aerides]

93 posts and a lot of angst over 30 bucks worth of drinks.

Sure, for one meal, but this is a regular couple the OP dines with. So, frame it as about $300 a year. Now it's more of a thing.

If I were the OP, I'd be in the "i wouldn't bother bringing it up" camp in general
But
If I were the OP's friend, I'd have been first to say "i'm out-ordering you, we should get separate checks" - or, I'll get the tip, or something.

So if this has happened more than twice so far, then, sure. If it's only once or twice, they might catch up on their own.

 

[athena53]

If I were the OP's friend, I'd have been first to say "I'm out-ordering you, we should get separate checks" - or, I'll get the tip, or something.

I agree. I might let it go for one meal but not on a regular basis. It's also possible to agree on how to divide the check and tell the server, "Put $X on this credit card and $Y on this other card".

 

[Gumby]

Ideally, considerate friends would notice the situation and correct it. The question is really what to do when they won't. If I liked their company, I would probably just let it slide.

 

[NW-Bound]

Ideally, considerate friends would notice the situation and correct it. The question is really what to do when they won't. If I liked their company, I would probably just let it slide.

+1

I only have 2 close friends, whom I don't see but only once every couple of years because they don't live in town. The last time we went out with one couple, we were fighting for the check. I won because I said I was the one inviting and picking the restaurant. They felt that they had to reciprocate, and picked the restaurant for the next meal. And of course, I let them pay the next time.

Just now looked up Quicken. It was way back in 2013, and the bill was $193.40. My gosh, time flew. And the date told me that it was before I went in for a big surgery. It could be my last big meal.

And I remember clearly that we did not eat much, but had 2 bottles of red wine. And it was just for my friend and me, because my wife did not drink, and his wife had her glass of white wine.

And it was at a local French bistro owned by a French. And our dinner was more than 2 hours long, just like they do in France. Ah, it was good time.

But back on the OP's story, it's OK to ask for split checks if you go out with these friends often. And if I feel that my friends are not as considerate as they should be, I will cut back on outings with them if the nuisance is more than the joy of the company.