How much for daughter's wedding

[Sue J]

We sent my daughter a text message saying "Hi Jenna and John we missed you last night hope you are feeling better. We would like to stop over and give you some stuff including yuor scarf. Let us know." She wrote back "I'm very disappointed w u and don't want to see u now. U can drop my scarf off in the mailbox."

Needless to say, that will be our last overture to her. I am afraid only Godly intervention will help at this point. Oh well, I guess the Christmas checks will not be cashed. Seriously we won't play her game. At this point she will have to seem genuinely appreciative to get anything for her wedding.

"Well, we are very disappointed in you, too. But we'd love to see you when you have decided that $2500 is all you're going to get and that you'll be darn grateful for it. The offer of the $2500 is good until 01-31-09. After that your future husband will have to pay for your princess attitude and your dream wedding.

PS - Your scarf is now a chew toy for the dog, who appreciates it very much. He wasn't expecting anything and seems to love us unconditionally."

 

[Bestwifeever]

Sorry, Crispus. For all she knew "give you some stuff" could have meant a check toward the wedding costs.

 

[ladelfina]

SueJ, what a funny PS! Love it.. (but it's something I'd write and then throw away.)

Crispus, sorry to hear your daughter acting so immature. There are just those girls (I won't say women) who can't get the princess-wedding idea out of their heads. My niece by marriage was one of those. In her case the fantasy wedding dreams were aided and abetted by her mom, who started gearing up for the nozze the minute the niece found a new beau after a previously tortured relationship. Of course the gift registry was chock-full of pricey items and we sprang for $300 of crystal that got relegated to a box in someone's garage somewhere as the guy had been cheating all along (and still went through with the wedding) so the "dream marriage" didn't even last a year! There are some 'girls' (I think she was 29 or thereabouts) who are more in love with the idea of the wedding than anything else, and she was one of them. Forcing or allowing your daughter to re-group and re-consider is not a bad thing.

That said, I would still calmly go along with the $2500 check no matter what her offensive behavior. A.) she's still your daughter, after all and B.) you need to demonstrate that her shenanigans aren't going to sway you one way OR the other. You're just the ship of state that's going to stick to its course. That's my humble opinion.

Best of luck!

 

[clifp]

Having enjoyed a close relationship with my family all my life, I've never understood how people can be estranged with their children.

I am starting to see the light. Crispus you have my sympathy.

 

[Achiever51]

Crispus, I'm sorry for your situation. This is sad.

Several of my daughter's friends are engaged or recently married, and I have heard more than a few details of their "dream weddings." I can understand the desire to have a memorable event, but I find it a bit alarming that so much effort and detail is put toward the wedding day...with little if any thought put into the marriage. My daughter's last roommate, Laura, was a prime example. She didn't have a permanent job and was engaged to a nice young man who had just graduated from law school and was seeking his first job. Between them they probably had about $5,000, yet Laura planned a wedding that cost more than $35,000! Her gown alone was nearly $4,000...and Laura's mom basically gave her a blank check when she told her daughter "I want you to have the kind of wedding I never did."

Well, the wedding WAS beautiful, but in a way it was kind of sad to watch because I really got the feeling that the groom was nearly an afterthought in all the planning. Sure enough, less than a year later they broke up.

I think you should contribute whatever you think is the right amount toward your daughter's wedding and make no apologies or rationalization about it. You should offer it with an open heart and a sincere wish for her future happiness. It shouldn't be a bribe nor come with any kind of strings attached. It is a gift, period. And if she feels it is not "enough", well, that speaks volumes about her. I wish her and her future hubby much luck -- I suspect they will need it.

 

[FinanceDude]

Having enjoyed a close relationship with my family all my life, I've never understood how people can be estranged with their children.

I am starting to see the light. Crispus you have my sympathy.

I could write a book about how my stepmom managed to destroy the relationship between my sister and I and my dad...........

 

[FinanceDude]

Not many things are worth giving up a relationship with one's daughter and potential future grandchildren, in the long term.

My dad chose that path...........

 

[CuppaJoe]

That's so sad. My aunt kept her 3 kids away from my side of the family. There is only one of them left and I never saw my cousins again after their parents' divorce.

 

[clifp]

I could write a book about how my stepmom managed to destroy the relationship between my sister and I and my dad...........

Well if the finance dept business goes south or gets boring, nice to have other options. I know there is a market for these type of books.

 

[ladelfina]

In my afore-mentioned niece's family there are lawsuits between her paternal aunt and her paternal grandma.. so you all count yourself lucky if it does not arrive to that. Suing your own mother over the inheritance left by the father!

FinanceDude's story sounds like it could be very interesting. Here there are no end of interfering in-laws who, unwittingly or not, bust up marriages.

It could all be worse. My 84 y.o. MIL recounted that her parents accompanied her, the new bride, and her groom on their honeymoon. Woo-hoo!

 

[thefed]

Wow,I just found this thread and it really bums me out! i have 2 young boys and cant imagine the feeling you and your wife must feel. I'm sure you did whatever you could to raise her right, and still love her no matter what. just keep your head up and hope she turns around without a life-altering event causing the change


good luck

 

[FinanceDude]

Well if the finance dept business goes south or gets boring, nice to have other options. I know there is a market for these type of books.

It's my plan "B".........

Finance business is far from boring.........2008 will forever be remembered by me as "The Perfect Storm", except no George Clooney or fishing boats, just 50 foot killer waves of the financial kind.......

 

[kombat]

...people have told me all my life I was/am wrong for not having children.

Don't let it get to you. They're just trying to defend their own decision and stifle their own regrets. Misery loves company.

 

[spark0506]

Crispus,

I feel your pain and I feel like I may be in your same position some day. I’m long past divorced from my son’s mother, my son is 24. After many, many years of financial support and help in every way imaginable, including 4 years of private college I recently hit a cross roads with him where I told him that I could no longer finance his lifestyle. I’ve failed to teach him the difference between needs and wants and the importance of living within your means; he just doesn’t “get it”. In order to try to preserve a healthy father son relationship I told him that I can no longer pay for his current of future lifestyle in any way. After so many years of trying to get him on track and understanding money issues I’ve come to realize that I just can’t get him to see things the way I believe they need to be viewed. I told him that I don’t give up easy on anything but I didn’t think there is any way I’m going to get him to realize that he must find a way to live within his means. Of all the arguments and heated discussions we have had most are related to his childish use of money. I made it very clear that I don’t want to hear about his financial problems and that he needs to figure it out on his own. I really hope he hunkers down and that a little bit of all these years of teaching and showing by example have sunk in more than it shows but I really have my doubts. As a parent it’s the most frustrating thing I have been thru up to now.

I can see the same scenario some day when he meets that special girl. After the few hundred thousand that I’ve spent on him up to now I have no stomach for funding a wedding or anything else. It’s high time I focus on other things, mainly making sure my lovely wife and I can get of this treadmill someday…..sooner than later……and hopefully join the ranks of some of you lucky dogs……..

Good luck with your situation with your daughter. Remember you’ve done nothing wrong. Stand your ground and be true to yourself.

 

[canadianteddy]

We then drove 3 hours to San Diego for a weekend honeymoon - splurged on a fancy hotel at the Embarcadero & went to the Zoo. We were both back at work Mon morning. .

Wow, you had a honeymoon. We saved for 4 years then finally went south. Our honeymoon was at home, as I recall, we enjoyed ourselves

 

[nicolette]

Crispus,

I feel your pain and I feel like I may be in your same position some day. I’m long past divorced from my son’s mother, my son is 24. After many, many years of financial support and help in every way imaginable, including 4 years of private college I recently hit a cross roads with him where I told him that I could no longer finance his lifestyle. I’ve failed to teach him the difference between needs and wants and the importance of living within your means; he just doesn’t “get it”. In order to try to preserve a healthy father son relationship I told him that I can no longer pay for his current of future lifestyle in any way. After so many years of trying to get him on track and understanding money issues I’ve come to realize that I just can’t get him to see things the way I believe they need to be viewed. I told him that I don’t give up easy on anything but I didn’t think there is any way I’m going to get him to realize that he must find a way to live within his means. Of all the arguments and heated discussions we have had most are related to his childish use of money. I made it very clear that I don’t want to hear about his financial problems and that he needs to figure it out on his own. I really hope he hunkers down and that a little bit of all these years of teaching and showing by example have sunk in more than it shows but I really have my doubts. As a parent it’s the most frustrating thing I have been thru up to now.

I can see the same scenario some day when he meets that special girl. After the few hundred thousand that I’ve spent on him up to now I have no stomach for funding a wedding or anything else. It’s high time I focus on other things, mainly making sure my lovely wife and I can get of this treadmill someday…..sooner than later……and hopefully join the ranks of some of you lucky dogs……..

Good luck with your situation with your daughter. Remember you’ve done nothing wrong. Stand your ground and be true to yourself.

You are not alone. I know of many parents who have financially supported their Gen X and Y kids. And until we change our 'habits', they won't change theirs. Perhaps you were financially supportive of your son due to guilt being divorced as I also know of one particular father who was divorced and gave his kids $$ because of guilt. His kids are now nearly 30 and he just had the conversation with them last year.....count yourself lucky to have 'saved' yourself 5 years!

 

[nwsteve]

Crispus,
I made it very clear that I don’t want to hear about his financial problems and that he needs to figure it out on his own. I really hope he hunkers down and that a little bit of all these years of teaching and showing by example have sunk in more than it shows but I really have my doubts. As a parent it’s the most frustrating thing I have been thru up to now.

Spark0506
We brought our DD up with a lbym mentality but she has still struggled wanting to do all the activities her circle of technie friends can afford.
We got a bit of surprise when DW put together a budget spreadsheet with her numbers so she could see how her "desires" outstripped" her cash flow. Her response was significant wake up call--she had never quite "seen the data (she is very much a non data person) quite that way".
Since then she has taken over the spreadsheet budget as hers and seems to be making those tradeoffs. Recently dropping some cable services and starting to take her lunch for work.
Your son just may not have cognitively and emotionally engaged in the reality of cash flow--
Consider checking to what degree he really does understand his spending and funds he does have available. You may get an eye opener--we did.
Nwsteve

 

[Texarkandy]

We then drove 3 hours to San Diego for a weekend honeymoon - splurged on a fancy hotel at the Embarcadero & went to the Zoo. We were both back at work Mon morning.

Wow, you had a honeymoon. We saved for 4 years then finally went south. Our honeymoon was at home, as I recall, we enjoyed ourselves

What can I say - we were young & foolish.

 

[crispus]

Originally posted by spark0506
I’m long past divorced from my son’s mother, my son is 24. After many, many years of financial support and help in every way imaginable, including 4 years of private college I recently hit a cross roads with him where I told him that I could no longer finance his lifestyle. I’ve failed to teach him the difference between needs and wants and the importance of living within your means; he just doesn’t “get it”.

My son came over for dinner last night. He is a college senior and moved back in with his mom when her husband died last Jan. Recently they bought a golden retriever puppy along with a cage to keep him in when they are not at home. Last night I asked my son how his dog was doing and he told me he is in his cage often. I asked where his mom was and he said that she is staying with her new boyfriend and has been at his place all week. I could tell he was embarrassed, so I did not pursue it. They have had that dog for 3 months now and he still does not know how to go for a walk. My son chains him up out back, he does his business and he puts him back in his cage and goes out for the evening.

My wife and I feel sorry for Jake the dog and my son Mike. We always offer Mike a place to stay or a home cooked meal, but he feels more at home at his mom's and rarely accepts.

So I know how divorce can ruin relationships with your kids for life. I used to hope that they would grow out of it, but now I don't hold out much hope. My wife and I are conservative and frugal in our lifestyle and as we see eye to eye on most things we could never compete with a mom who always aloud total freedom along with lack of sound financial judgement.

It's both sad and reasuring that so many share simular problems.

 

[haha]

My wife and I feel sorry for Jake the dog and my son Mike. We always offer Mike a place to stay or a home cooked meal, but he feels more at home at his mom's and rarely accepts.

So I know how divorce can ruin relationships with your kids for life. I used to hope that they would grow out of it, but now I don't hold out much hope. My wife and I are conservative and frugal in our lifestyle and as we see eye to eye on most things we could never compete with a mom who always aloud total freedom along with lack of sound financial judgement.

It's both sad and reasuring that so many share simular problems.

Painful situation Crispus. If you can avoid getting angry or rejecting, he may be different when he has children of his own. In the meantime, you have behaved well, there is nothing more you need to do.

Ha

 

[canadianteddy]

Painful situation Crispus. If you can avoid getting angry or rejecting, he may be different when he has children of his own. In the meantime, you have behaved well, there is nothing more you need to do.

Ha

Well said. I second that.

 

[freebird5825]

...So I know how divorce can ruin relationships with your kids for life. I used to hope that they would grow out of it, but now I don't hold out much hope. My wife and I are conservative and frugal in our lifestyle and as we see eye to eye on most things we could never compete with a mom who always aloud total freedom along with lack of sound financial judgement.

It's both sad and reasuring that so many share simular problems.

I am watching this go on, up close and in real time. I have no kids myself. Parents who buy their kids everything on the smallest whim or whimper and impose no boundaries are creating the next news headline.

 

[Achiever51]

...they bought a golden retriever puppy along with a cage to keep him in when they are not at home. ...how his dog was doing and he told me he is in his cage often. I asked where his mom was and he said that she is staying with her new boyfriend and has been at his place all week. I could tell he was embarrassed, so I did not pursue it. They have had that dog for 3 months now and he still does not know how to go for a walk. My son chains him up out back, he does his business and he puts him back in his cage and goes out for the evening.

.

OK, I feel bad about the situation with the daughter, the wedding, the whole deal. But this infuriates me!

No one should bring a puppy/dog into a home if a responsible person is unwilling to spend some time training and caring for the animal. Keeping Jake in a cage for hours on end is no way to care for a pup!!

<We will now return to regularly scheduled programming....>

 

[mews]

Achiever, I have to agree.

Everyone else in the drama is a (more or less) functioning adult.
The puppy is being mistreated because of its &*^%-up humans.

Not fair.

ta,
mews

 

[ladelfina]

Agreed.. what a cruel situation for the dog.

If neither the son nor the ex-wife actually like the dog enough to spend time w/it and treat it right, then WHY did they get it? The best thing for all concerned in that situation would be for them to take it to a shelter, contact a 'rescue' group, or find some other loving home, since it is obviously only a burden to them and they should face up to that now. There's nothing shameful about admitting that you are just not interested or capable of giving the dog the attention it needs and deserves at a certain point in time.. or that you've underestimated the task.

Sounds like Mom and Son both want to 'do their thing' w/o having anything cramp their style. The only harm in that is that they shouldn't pretend otherwise and let the innocent animal suffer their lack of self-awareness.