Romantic Relationships Post FIRE

[brett]

I believe that there may be a tendency for some to knowingly or unknowingly become more set in their ways, beliefs, etc. as they age.

It might be slightly different for me because I spent may career in an industry that was constantly changing.

We have also experienced a fair amount of international travel over the years.

Both required flexibility and adaptiveness.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm strictly taking about getting eyeballs on someone who might be interested in dating or partnering as they get older. It's definitely harder.

 

[aja8888]

I met my last wife in 1992 when running into a friend of mine at a local restaurant who was dating her. I was with my visiting younger sister and we joined them for dinner at his request.

I stole her away...... Case closed!

 

[Koolau]

I think stories about how folks met is fascinating - especially folks who had long marriages.

My dad saw my mom in the defense plant office next to his defense plant. He fell in love at first sight. He always thought he was beneath such a "fox." So he hired a kid to take an ice cream cone to her every day. Eventually he fessed up that he was the one sending the ice cream. The rest is history and they had 45 years together until his death.

Mentioned that DW and I met in second grade when she moved into the neighborhood (block and a half away.) She used to stop into my parents' small business to browse - not buy. At school we were friends. In 5th and 6th grade we played marbles on the play ground.

We married in our 20s but had been dating since HS. This year, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, we'll reach 54 years.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Returning you now.

 

[1242Vintage]

Met my wife in the university dorms, she was the Resident Advisor charged with keeping law and order on our floor. She got tired of coming by our room and telling us to quiet down at 1 a.m.

My solution, invite her in for the party. No more problems!!!

She graduated before me and got a job managing the local pizza parlor. Her boss let her take a couple pizzas home every night. She would swing by at midnight with a couple of pies and would usually hand out a few slices as she walked down the hall on the way to the apartment I shared. She was a very popular visitor!!! Guys would drop by my place to ask if she was coming by and then hang out by the elevator waiting for her and the much coveted deep dish pizza.

Knew I had a keeper on my hands. Married in 1987 and still going strong.

 

[brett]

It is a funny old world.

At the time I met my spouse she was engaged to someone else. I was infatuated with someone else from my high school days. Four or five months later we were engaged.

Complete opposites in terms of cultural, faith, socioeconomic backgrounds.

She told me a few years ago that the first time she went to a movie was with me. Go figure. Movies were somewhat taboo in her milieu. Along with a lot of other silly (IMHO) restrictions.

I believe that one of the reasons it worked from the start is that we moved away from her home town and family environment right after we were married.

 

[Chuckanut]

I hope we have not completely confused the OP. Meeting the right person is such a messy mix of luck, planning, action, and - perhaps most importantly - perseverance.

I met my first wife (now ex-wife) at a time in my very late 20s, when I thought I would be one of those guys who spent his 30s, 40s and maybe go well into his 50s single, and then marry for companionship and mentally adopt her children and grand children as my own. It turned out to be the opposite. Man plans. God laughs.

 

[Toast]

I think stories about how folks met is fascinating - especially folks who had long marriages.

I love these stories too.

DH and I met in elementary school and were instant friends. Romantically together since high school and married right after we graduated from college.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

I hope we have not completely confused the OP. Meeting the right person is such a messy mix of luck, planning, action, and - perhaps most importantly - perseverance.

I met my first wife (now ex-wife) at a time in my very late 20s, when I thought I would be one of those guys who spent his 30s, 40s and maybe go well into his 50s single, and then marry for companionship and mentally adopt her children and grand children as my own. It turned out to be the opposite. Man plans. God laughs.

Not the OP but actively looking and I enjoy the stories. They are motivating and help me to keep my mindset such that I'll hopefully not overlook opportunities.

 

[teej1985]

Not the OP but actively looking and I enjoy the stories. They are motivating and help me to keep my mindset such that I'll hopefully not overlook opportunities.

I am the OP, and I agree, but I'm jealous of the people who seemed to find someone super young!

 

[Chuckanut]

Not the OP but actively looking and I enjoy the stories. They are motivating and help me to keep my mindset such that I'll hopefully not overlook opportunities.

A female cousin turned me on to a book called Le Seduction. It’s the art of living an attractive life. French of course.

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250007445/laseduction

 

[athena53]

I am the OP, and I agree, but I'm jealous of the people who seemed to find someone super young!

I know- I'm a bit envious of people who were HS sweethearts or met and married in college and are still going strong, and that includes most of my family. I know a few where the sizzle has gone and some barely hanging on because it's too messy to divorce but they're the exceptions. I married for the first time at 31, divorced at 44, remarried in 2003 and was widowed in 2016. The second marriage was a happy one.

My priorities are so different now- I don't have to ask myself if he'll be a good father, if I'm comfortable being on a mortgage with him, if he has a stable income to help support the household. Priorities now include being free of major emotional baggage, financially solvent, able to keep up with me physically (haven't found that yet- I'm pretty active), and just generally being good company. I still haven't found 100% of what I'm looking for but life is good anyway and I'm not sure I'd be willing to share living quarters again- he'd have to be extraordinary.

 

[rodi]

A couple of thoughts:

I agree with what a few others have said about finding a partner and retiring are separate decisions. Although obviously they can have impact on each other.

My husband was 47, never married, and I was 37 never married when we met. We knew within weeks that it was serious, or at least had potential to be. We've been married 24 years.

The statement made early on about women in their late 30's still being interested, maybe, in children is accurate. But hubster and I actually talked about this on our first date (after discussing pets.). We were both interested, and fortunately my bio clock hadn't touched the last tock.

I didn't meet my husband at work. But I did work with his brother a decade earlier, who introduced us. So keep your social connections active.

When you find the right person, you'll know. And there is no timeline for this.

 

[Aerides]

I am the OP, and I agree, but I'm jealous of the people who seemed to find someone super young!

Oh lordy I'm glad I waited! I'm a very different person than I was at 17 or 27. My first husband was a bad choice at 26. Luckily I emerged from that unscathed financially (we were both a mess) and only embarrassed by the mess.

I knew myself far better at 33 when I met DH. More importantly, by then, I knew far better what I wanted (and didn't) in a partner.

We met the new-old-fashioned way, online. 20 years later? Wouldn't change a thing.

 

[Route246]

Been happily married almost 30 years (I'm 66) so I married late and got a lot out of my system before we married. I mostly expected to be single forever as I really enjoyed being single but things happen.

Now with FI and worries about if she dies and I remarry as FI is difficult to conceal our estate could end up in the hands of non-family members if I suddenly die. It is a difficult problem and the topic of another thread going on now.

Financially, I would be an attractive target in terms of someone looking for financial security so if I ever had to go into courtship mode again it would be awkward and I know I'm susceptible to being taken advantage of because I'm a giving and generous person by nature. We acquired out FI through savings, S&P500-type investing over decades, hard work and we did not get a windfall. My professional skills are in high demand and very well-compensated, even at my advanced age. We live a stealth wealth lifestyle, too. Basically, nobody knows we have what we have although a few suspect.

If I were to enter the single world again I'm not sure how I would approach it because there is difficulty in the way that money motivates and changes people. I suppose the only candidates would be FI like myself but even that has risks. It is a tough problem, any way you look at it.

 

[GaryInCO]

When you find the right person, you'll know. And there is no timeline for this.

Sadly yes. I met my ex at work. She gave a talk to my employees, and I was captivated by her obvious intelligence and impish mischievous humor. I asked her out, and on our second date I said we should move in together. (And I had never lived with a woman before.) When you find the right one, you know.

Unfortunately it didn't last. And finding another one may never happen. (The "I know I'll never find another you" song hit close to the heart.) But I haven't given up yet.

 

[Winemaker]

I met DW and DD when she became my neighbor after she and DD escaped from an abusive husband /father. I worked midnight shift and she would be unloading her car about 430pm, when I first got up to get my mail. DD was a crying handful. Future DW left trunk open on her car and I would carry groceries/ laundry/ books to her door on her front porch. I was stealth, and had a girl friend in my home city, where I was having a long distance relationship. (she was arm candy, but learned I could never marry her). I asked future DW out several times and she declined several times, not knowing her situation. She finally made herself available once her divorce was final. We dated a year and married a year later. Just had our 40th in November, and never looked back. DD came as part of the package deal, and was around her since she was 18 months old. DW's practice husband still kept in touch with his daughter, but was never timely with his $125 monthly child support. After a few weeks and a few dates, I knew I met my soulmate. We then had daily dates when I had dinner with them every night after I got up. I gave her $250 month to cover her missing child support and my dinner. I moved in after we married. DD always brags that most parents are stuck with their children, but I chose to be her father.

 

[aja8888]

I met DW and DD when she became my neighbor after she and DD escaped from an abusive husband /father. I worked midnight shift and she would be unloading her car about 430pm, when I first got up to get my mail. DD was a crying handful. Future DW left trunk open on her car and I would carry groceries/ laundry/ books to her door on her front porch. I was stealth, and had a girl friend in my home city, where I was having a long distance relationship. (she was arm candy, but learned I could never marry her). I asked future DW out several times and she declined several times, not knowing her situation. She finally made herself available once her divorce was final. We dated a year and married a year later. Just had our 40th in November, and never looked back. DD came as part of the package deal, and was around her since she was 18 months old. DW's practice husband still kept in touch with his daughter, but was never timely with his $125 monthly child support. After a few weeks and a few dates, I knew I met my soulmate. We then had daily dates when I had dinner with them every night after I got up. I gave her $250 month to cover her missing child support and my dinner. I moved in after we married. DD always brags that most parents are stuck with their children, but I chose to be her father.

Lucky guy, nice story.

 

[athena53]

If I were to enter the single world again I'm not sure how I would approach it because there is difficulty in the way that money motivates and changes people. I suppose the only candidates would be FI like myself but even that has risks. It is a tough problem, any way you look at it.

For me, it's a good problem to have. I'd rather not be on the other side of the equation looking for a meal ticket! When I was on Match and posted pictures from my travels (an avid interest but a clear indication I have $$) I got a few obvious phonies- one was 30 years younger but said he was European and age didn't matter and there were a few drop-dead gorgeous men in my age group who were vague about their locations. I just said I was looking for someone "financially solvent" and that I was also in that position. None of the guys I met in person would have guessed what I had- I drive a nondescript sedan and rarely wear the remnants of my business wardrobe or the flashier pieces of jewelry. We always met for coffee or a casual lunch.

BF knows what I have and doesn't consider himself entitled to any of it. Generosity is nice but I learned from my Ex that when it turns into "I want X but I don't have the money, but YOU do", it's a red flag and you better run. It's never happened in this relationship.

 

[gamboolman]

Hey RetiredHappy, your $240K spend caught my eye. This is about what DW and I expect spend in retirement. Not often that I find someone on this board with comparable figures, so curious to know how your budget breaks down.

Here's what ours looks like:

Mortgage, rent		0
Property taxes		10,000
Utilities		15,000
Home insurance		5,000
Home maintenance		15,000
Wellness/Other Medical		10,000
Health insurance		15,000
Vehicles/Fuel		15,000
Misc/Discretionary		100,000
Other		0
Groceries		30,000
Restaurants		15,000
Clothing		0
Vacation/Travel		25,000
Other		0
Total		255,000

As you can see there is a lot of "fluff" like misc. and travel, so this is a very flexible budget, but it reflects the lifestyle we enjoy now - except that we'll sell our primary residence and switch to our 2nd home in retirement - and plus more spending on vacation travel in the early years.

Adding: This budget excludes taxes which could range $40-$60K per year over the life of retirement. I expect our budget could swell to $300K in high spend years (big vacations, renovation, toys) and shrink to $200K, or even as little as $150K in lean years if inflation, markets do not cooperate. Have run numbers thru i-ORP, RPM, FireCalc, etc. with green light results.

Hay LateToFire,
Glad to see it's not just ms gamboolgal and I being orders of magnitude higher in our Retirement Budget / Spends.

[/IMG]
We are approaching our 3rd Anniversary of Retirement and we are right in line with your Budget.
The difference is we have 72 individual line items in our Budget...., we like to see the "granularity" ha(brings back megacorp flavor of the month terms)

We had forecast spending to be significantly less in 2024. But we'll see what we see this time next year.

ETA - Sorry Teej1985, I can offer no advice regarding Romantic Relationships other than after 42 year of being married, my favorite thing to do is still to chase ms gamboolgal around the old 4 Poster Buck Neckid...

 

[Winemaker]

Lucky guy, nice story.

Blessed guy, really!

 

[Chuckanut]

One thing I have found is that widows are often easier to date than divorced people, especially people with two or more divorces under their belt. Multiple divorces make some people see faults that aren’t there. I assume this is the same for widowers.

And, personally, I want somebody who is someone’s mother. Having children changes how we approach life. And it’s nice to have some harmony in the area of parent-child relationship.

 

[Koolau]

A female cousin turned me on to a book called Le Seduction. It’s the art of living an attractive life. French of course.

Bien sûr!



As a young boy of 17, I did not feel seduced in France. Well, not by the people. By the art, the architecture, the food, Paris? YES!. But not by the people.



At the time, the French were not particularly fond of Americans. Seems they had forgotten a lot in a generation but YMMV.

 

[Chuckanut]

Bien sûr!



As a young boy of 17, I did not feel seduced in France. Well, not by the people. By the art, the architecture, the food, Paris? YES!. But not by the people.



At the time, the French were not particularly fond of Americans. Seems they had forgotten a lot in a generation but YMMV.

Back then the French had de Gaulle to be more offensive.

 

[CO-guy]

A female cousin turned me on to a book called Le Seduction. It’s the art of living an attractive life. French of course.

I've been with my better-half for more than 20 years, she is close to 9 years younger than me and we couldn't be happier with my recent FIREing. Given how long I've been off the market, I'm clearly out of touch with the modern dating landscape.

However, before meeting my "happily ever after" partner, I was on a bit of a late-20s sabbatical from work and absolutely practiced what friends called, "the good life" on a shoestring budget. It ended in success for me. YMMV

Rather than running around looking for "Mrs. Right," I focused on my own self-improvement (and wardrobe improvement). I had my 'regular' after-work hours yoga class several days a week. (i.e. the crowded class full of regulars). A gallery "jazz night" every Wed. I also regularly attended nightclub dance classes once a week, got chummy with the instructors and bartenders and would hang out with the regulars for a bit once things got hopping. It's not my scene so I'd be home by 11, even if I met someone and danced with them for a bit.

In addition, the emphasis with virtually everything from a trip to the supermarket or gym was turned into an opportunity to meet someone. So, while I might get my cart full of weekly staples at an off hour at Safeway, I'd save my gourmet "basket" shopping for the busy times at the Whole Foods. It's amazing how many people you can meet standing in line with a nice bottle of wine (I don't even drink), or waiting for a popular piece of gym equipment. Same with meeting friends out for the night. More often than not, my first drink of the night would be at a nearby hotel bar, hopefully a familiar one where they know I'm going to sip ginger ale, chat for a bit and leave a nice tip.

While it all seems somewhat silly, and I often felt that way at the time, the amount of romantic interest I experienced was overwhelming. While I avoided dating the regulars (gym, yoga, dance....), I made a lot of friends, most were a decade younger than me, and many of their friends were interested in meeting a guy that's into yoga, art, music, dance and is otherwise living "the good life." For me it was a game changer compared to trying to "pick up" women, but as I said, YMMV.