Romantic Relationships Post FIRE

[athena53]

I find this post spot on and an indication of how dating conditions and norms are changing constantly, which makes it harder for people to connect.
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You mention things you like about this guy and things that aren't ideal about this guy. The difference is that at your age and life experience that's the price of poker and you aren't trying to "fix" the things you don't like, or moving on to the find the "perfect" partner.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Part of what drives my thinking is that my first husband was a "taker"- a financial train wreck who looked to me to pay for his wants after he ran out of money and maxed out his credit cards. Current friend is NOT like that. Right now I need to protect what I've built so I can provide for my LTC, put money away for my grandchildren's education and hopefully leave a legacy. The other aspect is balance. I would be VERY uncomfortable in a relationship with someone who flew me around in his private jet, picked up the tab for meals at Michelin star restaurants and bought me birthday presents from Tiffany's. I don't want to be in a relationship where either person is funding 95% of the costs.

 

[Chuckanut]

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Part of what drives my thinking is that my first husband was a "taker"- a financial train wreck who looked to me to pay for his wants after he ran out of money and maxed out his credit cards. Current friend is NOT like that. Right now I need to protect what I've built so I can provide for my LTC, put money away for my grandchildren's education and hopefully leave a legacy. The other aspect is balance. I would be VERY uncomfortable in a relationship with someone who flew me around in his private jet, picked up the tab for meals at Michelin star restaurants and bought me birthday presents from Tiffany's. I don't want to be in a relationship where either person is funding 95% of the costs.

IMO, financial equality is not needed. But, both parties must be reasonably financially independent of each other.

There is no reason a wealthier person with the available cash can’t give a ‘scholarship’ to a good friend so they can enjoy things together. But, if the wealthy person were to disappear from the face of the Earth tomorrow, the other person should not have to worry about where the money will come from for food, rent, medical, transportation, etc.

 

[ivinsfan]

IMO, financial equality is not needed. But, both parties must be reasonably financially independent of each other.

There is no reason a wealthier person with the available cash can’t give a ‘scholarship’ to a good friend so they can enjoy things together. But, if the wealthy person were to disappear from the face of the Earth tomorrow, the other person should not have to worry about where the money will come from for food, rent, medical, transportation, etc.

Thats a valid point and not having to explain why and how you are willing to spend your OWN money is a big deal.

 

[Amethyst]

I find one has to have a certain appreciation of small talk when it comes to meeting strangers. Small talk is how people can approach bigger topics. Sure, many will never get past the chit-chat, but one has to start somewhere.

Now, excessive firing of personal questions is a huge turnoff to me. This seems to be a particular issue on tours and cruise ships.

Why do people immediately have to know "where you're from" (and then make cliche comments about it), how many kids you have, where you used to work (and make cliche comments about THAT)? Me, I'm interested in what people like to do, and what interests them. Their personal details can come later!

After one of these salvos, I feel like saying, "Since it's open season on personal questions, I'm dying to know how much you weigh."

+1

But...where does one find such people?

In addition, outside of a romantic relationship, I enjoy these types of people simply as friends (of either sex), but am not meeting many IRL. I get out and do things with meetup groups, attending lectures, etc., but I'm not really running into folks who demonstrate these qualities, so the conversations are somewhat shallow, filled with "small talk".

omni

 

[brett]

I find one has to have a certain appreciation of small talk when it comes to meeting strangers. Small talk is how people can approach bigger topics. Sure, many will never get past the chit-chat, but one has to start somewhere.

Now, excessive firing of personal questions is a huge turnoff to me. This seems to be a particular issue on tours and cruise ships.

Why do people immediately have to know "where you're from" (and then make cliche comments about it), how many kids you have, where you used to work (and make cliche comments about THAT)? Me, I'm interested in what people like to do, and what interests them. Their personal details can come later!

After one of these salvos, I feel like saying, "Since it's open season on personal questions, I'm dying to know how much you weigh."

THAT is exactly the reason why, when we cruise, we no longer want assigned dinner seating.

Plus hearing about how absolutely wonderful, smart ,talented, important, and successful some fellow tablemate's cruisers spouse, children, or grandchildren are or how important their respective jobs are.

One place to start is whether the target of your potential affections is a good listener or a self absorbed chatterbox who never comes up for air or who never asks a relevant question. Not hard to figure that out IMHO, in the first 10 minutes.

 

[razztazz]

+1

But...where does one find such people?

In addition, outside of a romantic relationship, I enjoy these types of people simply as friends (of either sex), but am not meeting many IRL. I get out and do things with meetup groups, attending lectures, etc., but I'm not really running into folks who demonstrate these qualities, so the conversations are somewhat shallow, filled with "small talk".
omni

That's why I stopped that stuff years ago. Its OK if you just want to spend a few hours with people doing something that might be enlightening and doesn't involve booze but there was never any personal potential in any of it.

 

[1242Vintage]

Plz don’t let yourself become that bored government employee who spends most of his day in a tiny cubicle calculating how much his pension will be if he works just one more quarter. I’ve seen it, it’s ugly and no way to spend your days.

My advice. First go find yourself a more challenging and interesting fed govt job that you truly enjoy. This will do amazing things for your outlook on life. AND once
you do that put yourself out there socially. There are interesting, sincere and eligible women everywhere (lunch restaurants downtown, on public transit, at the grocery store check out, gym, etc) just dying to meet quality men. Having lived and worked in Los Angeles at several points in my career I know this from experience.

Only place that’s off limits is in your workplace.

Best wishes.

 

[teej1985]

Plz don’t let yourself become that bored government employee who spends most of his day in a tiny cubicle calculating how much his pension will be if he works just one more quarter. I’ve seen it, it’s ugly and no way to spend your days.

My advice. First go find yourself a more challenging and interesting fed govt job that you truly enjoy. This will do amazing things for your outlook on life. AND once
you do that put yourself out there socially. There are interesting, sincere and eligible women everywhere (lunch restaurants downtown, on public transit, at the grocery store check out, gym, etc) just dying to meet quality men. Having lived and worked in Los Angeles at several points in my career I know this from experience.

Only place that’s off limits is in your workplace.

Best wishes.

Actually, I haven't done that, but the calculation I like to have fun with is what would my pension be after X time vs. what it would have been if I had just stayed in my first government job (TSA airport screener) for 20 years. Because people do make TSA airport screening their career, and it's good enough for them. I used actual annual COLA since the beginning of my career and then 3% estimated for future years. I just finished up 5 years. if I had stayed with TSA the whole time, my pension would be something like $1700/year, but getting out and finding something better paying, if I quit tomorrow, it will be $3200/year. After 20 years, my TSA pension would be $10,846/year. To reach that number doing what I do now, I would only need to work 11 total years in the government, but I'd also be a millionaire. If I manage to land a promotion to a higher grade, then the comparison could be even less number of years.

 

[Amethyst]

This is a canard, and I reject it. The workplace is a great place to meet a mate. For one thing, you know everyone has a paying job and (at least in my workplace) probably hasn't spent time in jail, etc. For another, you get to observe your potential mate at their best (solving problems, etc.) and almost their worst (under stress). You also probably know other people who know your intended - which can be a good source of info, although gossip can also be hopelessly wrong. But at least it's info!

I met my husband at work, and a great many of my coworkers met their mates there, too. Plenty of these marriages are of long standing. Mine lasted 35 years and ended with his death. As long as you do not work for your intended, or vice versa, I can't see the big taboo.

Not having places to meet like-minded, similarly-educated people is a great disadvantage for finding a mate after retirement.

Only place that’s off limits is in your workplace.

Best wishes.

 

[brett]

This is a canard, and I reject it. The workplace is a great place to meet a mate. For one thing, you know everyone has a paying job and (at least in my workplace) probably hasn't spent time in jail, etc. For another, you get to observe your potential mate at their best (solving problems, etc.) and almost their worst (under stress). You also probably know other people who know your intended - which can be a good source of info, although gossip can also be hopelessly wrong. But at least it's info!

I met my husband at work, and a great many of my coworkers met their mates there, too. Plenty of these marriages are of long standing. Mine lasted 35 years and ended with his death. As long as you do not work for your intended, or vice versa, I can't see the big taboo.

Not having places to meet like-minded, similarly-educated people is a great disadvantage for finding a mate after retirement.

Agree. Why put artificial boundaries on this?

Besides...if IT is going to happen, it will happen. The majority of my time during waking hours was spent at work or traveling for work. Same as many others.

 

[Aerides]

Only place that’s off limits is in your workplace.

Depends.

If you work in a small office, where you have to interact directly with one another - then pass. Of course it should also go without saying, that if you are, or may ever realistically be, a superior or subordinate to the other, pass.

If it would create discomfort if things ended poorly for either of you, then avoid that person as a candidate. If you work together on the same projects, or go to lunch in the same group, that sort of thing.

But if you work in a large enough environment where you aren't going to be at the same proverbial water cooler every day, not a big deal at all.

 

[teej1985]

This is a canard, and I reject it. The workplace is a great place to meet a mate. For one thing, you know everyone has a paying job and (at least in my workplace) probably hasn't spent time in jail, etc. For another, you get to observe your potential mate at their best (solving problems, etc.) and almost their worst (under stress). You also probably know other people who know your intended - which can be a good source of info, although gossip can also be hopelessly wrong. But at least it's info!

I met my husband at work, and a great many of my coworkers met their mates there, too. Plenty of these marriages are of long standing. Mine lasted 35 years and ended with his death. As long as you do not work for your intended, or vice versa, I can't see the big taboo.

Not having places to meet like-minded, similarly-educated people is a great disadvantage for finding a mate after retirement.

When I worked in the airport, there were a whole bunch of couples formed. I haven't seen it as much in my office jobs.

 

[twirler]

Hey, I REed at 34. Take on work you enjoy. Charities and what not. Even paid work. Perhaps a cause you believe in. It gives you the answer to the question "What do you do?" at cocktail parties. I ran into this same issue.

 

[brett]

IMHO, some people seem to have many artificial boundaries around this issue.

I believe that happenstance can trump any of them in the right situation, for the right people.

 

[ivinsfan]

IMHO, some people seem to have artificial boundaries around this issue.

I believe that happenstance can trump any of them in the right situation, for the right people.

In truth couples have 3 major ways to meet IMO (remember this coming from someone who probably wouldn't do online stuff.)


School, ie HS or college.


Job


Church ( if you attend)


A great majority of the couples I know connected this way. in fact we connected at school thru one of my roommates ,my now DH was a good friend of her cousins husband to be.



Once you don't have these common connections it get much more difficult.

 

[braumeister]

In truth couples have 3 major ways to meet IMO (remember this coming from someone who probably wouldn't do online stuff.)

School, ie HS or college.
Job
Church ( if you attend)

I'll add another. We met at the annual convention of an organization we both belonged to, and married a year later. That was over three decades ago, so it seems to have worked out OK.

 

[brett]

It was happenstance for us.

Not the same school. Not the same city, not the same church, not the same job. Not the same just about everything else! In fact, city, faith, and jobs were all very different.

It just happened. No plan, no boundaries.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'll add another. We met at the annual convention of an organization we both belonged to, and married a year later. That was over three decades ago, so it seems to have worked out OK.

I get that and it would probably be good for one thing, you had something in common.


My comment was just a general comment about how people pair up..it's a lot harder if you aren't involved in things where you can randomly, yet some selectively connect with others.


For example, my youngest DD married the older brother of her college room mate. No way in heck they would have connected otherwise.

 

[ivinsfan]

It was happenstance for us.

Not the same school. Not the same city, not the same church, not the same job. Not the same just about everything else! In fact, city, faith, and jobs were all very different.

It just happened. No plan, no boundaries.

How did you actually meet each other? Sorry if you already shared the story.

 

[teej1985]

I get that and it would probably be good for one thing, you had something in common.


My comment was just a general comment about how people pair up..it's a lot harder if you aren't involved in things where you can randomly, yet some selectively connect with others.


For example, my youngest DD married the older brother of her college room mate. No way in heck they would have connected otherwise.

I would say one of my bigger life regrets is probably not prioritizing dating in college. There were so many single people around. My parents tell me to go to church to find someone but I just can't bring myself to do that.

 

[brett]

How did you actually meet each other? Sorry if you already shared the story.

I met her at a friends cottage while I was attending university. Quite by accident, I had not planned on going but changed my mind at the last minute.

I have a friend who met their spouse on an airplane/delayed flight. Another who met her future husband in a grocery store. Another married the man who sold her a new car.

My spouse has five siblings. Four of whom married into their own socioeconomic group, church/faith group etc. Three divorced within 12 years of marriage.

I have no doubt that to a person they believed that we would not last because of our different backgrounds/beliefs/outlooks.

Certainly lots of people met their spouses at school, church, job etc. there are many who did not. I believe that it is best to be more open about this and not constrain yourself or limit yourself to artificial boundaries.

There are no rules.

 

[ivinsfan]

I would say one of my bigger life regrets is probably not prioritizing dating in college. There were so many single people around. My parents tell me to go to church to find someone but I just can't bring myself to do that.

College isn't is all about dating but you do spend a lot of time in proximity to people your own age in all types of situations


In fact oldest DD met her husband on her first day on campus...when he asked her for a date she told him. "I didn't come to college to get a boyfriend" he responded "Oh OK, that's fine because I don't even know your last name" this story is family legend... they celebrated their 20th in August.

 

[ivinsfan]

Brett, I agree there are no rules, just saying it get more complicated as we age. A long marriage is never something to take for granted.



Things in common.. I grew up an Army brat, never really knew my extended family. Lived on Army bases until I was in high school.


Hubby born and lived on a farm until he got drafted. Not much common background there. But it's either a miracle or an act of God, that we even laid eyes on each other.

 

[brett]

My spouse's cousins all got sent to Bible School.

There was a running joke in their extended family that it was really Bridal School, not Bible School.

There was a great deal of truth in that.

 

[ivinsfan]

My spouse's cousins all got sent to Bible School.

There was a running joke in their extended family that it was really Bridal School, not Bible School.

There was a great deal of truth in that.

In my area we call it the Canadian spouse shopping college