Social life ... or lack thereof

[GaryInCO]

Apologies for some TMI backstory ... I've always been a social outgoing guy. When I started at Megacorp I made a bunch of deep friends, many of whom I still stay in touch with 40 yrs later. I really enjoyed getting together with my buds for cookouts, skiing trips, etc.

Then I got married. I loved her dearly but she was an introverted hermit. I wanted to spend all my time with her, and that kinda pushed my friends away. Then we had kids and I focused all my energy on them.

Then 13 years ago, she dumped me and took the kids with her.

I spent about 2 years in a black depression, but eventually I crawled out of the hole. I'd lost close touch with most of my friends -- many had moved away. I was self-employed since 1990, working out of my house, so I didn't have much contact with new folks. Eventually I discovered Meetup.com and started connecting with a bunch of new friends.

Then I got 2 forms of cancer and Covid hit. With immunity issues, I basically hid in my house for 3 years. There went the social circles I'd started to build.

Now the cancer is in remission and Covid is basically gone. I've re-joined some Meetup groups but haven't made any strong connections -- it seems harder post-Covid. I do stuff at the senior center and the health club, but that's mostly a "hi, I recognize you" level of connection. No real friendships yet.

No better luck with romance. I've wasted too much time on every online dating service you can name. I've worked with a couple of matchmaker services and those were actually fairly good, but no magic yet.

Whine whine whine. Poor me. Bottom line is, I'm lonely. I spend too much time in my house by myself. Retirement would be a lot more fun with a partner-in-crime and travel buddy. I really loved sharing my life with a loving partner, but that's hard to replace. Even connecting with new friends is challenging. I'm starting to look for volunteer possibilities.

What are your favorite ways to connect with new people? More than "I recognize you," more like "Haven't seen you in a while, c'mon over and we'll throw some steaks on the grill."

 

[JoeWras]

Absolutely volunteer activities. I've made deep connections with 2 organizations and from these, I have developed new friendships.

Just going to the food bank once a week for an hour won't do it. These are more committed opportunities. For example, I've mentioned disaster relief on this board many times. When you go on a trip and live with strangers for a few days, you learn a lot about each other and make new friendships.

BTW: you started your post talking about working at Megacorp and making friends. That was my experience too. I can't believe everyone wants to work from home now. There's going to be a lot of missed opportunities for social connections if this trend persists.

 

[rwdflynavy]

My best friends are those I've met through my church and our men's small group that meets weekly.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

I think the answer is just do it. Next time you meet someone that seems cool, invite them over to grill. You may hit it off and if not, it cost you a steak and a few beers and gave you something to do. Hosting a party or meet up (not necessarily at home) makes you the MC and you'll get a chance to meet everyone there where as a member in a large group you'll more likely just meet a few each time and being MC is an instant icebreaker as they can ask about the event and/or just thank you. People gravitate towards leaders too.... especially single women (this is anecdotal but the male hosts of groups I am in seem to get more dates and attention). Following up with interesting people is important too.. I think, if you are on FB, sending a friend request shortly after having a good conversation keeps them in mind, lets them know you are interested in being "friends," and FB messenger gives a means to reach out directly to them. Except for meet ups that are very specific to an interest, most people are there to make connections and friends... stay in a group long enough and you'll see the ebb and flow as people form cliques or romantic relationship and break off and come back if those relationships wane.


I'm a fairly outgoing introvert and I have to psyche myself up to initiate... especially with guys as it can seem weird doing so in western society.



Dating sites are bad for mental health IMO but maybe a necessary evil so if you find yourself doomscrolling on them or "swiping right" on "maybes" just because you want a shot, log off for a while. Check out firedating.me... I've meet some cool people there but you may need to consider a wider geographical area to get matches. It's the only quality dating site IMO but it's super niche with a FIRE focus and low population.



It's not just you. Search "lonely men" and you'll find lots of contemporary articles. I had one "come over and hang out friend" and he recently moved away. I'm intentionally, but not desperately, looking for a romantic partner and keeping patient and maintaining my standards. If you were closer, I'd invite myself over and we could commiserate over a steak. LOL


One last thing, if you find yourself getting depressed, please reach out to a therapist or friend or at least be conscious of what you are feeding your mind. -Listen/read positive media and avoid negativity loops.

 

[DrRoy]

I'm not much good at it either, and you are doing what I would usually suggest. If you like to travel, you might try EF Go Ahead Tours. They specialize in group travel for individuals.

 

[Aerides]

What do you love doing solo besides being in your house? What do you do in the way of self improvement? Answer those two things, and they will likely mean activities - that's where you want to focus.

 

[njhowie]

I do stuff at the senior center and the health club, but that's mostly a "hi, I recognize you" level of connection. No real friendships yet.

There you go - that's your opening...next time, instead of just a "hi", why don't you go a little further - "How about we workout together"? "How about we grab a coffee/lunch/drinks afterwards"? Etc.

 

[levindb]

I would recommend volunteering to be an usher at your local theater. This gets you out of the house, exposes you to other ushers on a regular basis, as well as forcing an interaction with theater patrons...a few of which could be season ticket holders.

Interacting with people may get your extrovert vibes going again...try it for a while and see if it makes you feel better.

 

[eytonxav]

Look for breakfast clubs, church social groups, and certainly volunteering in your town (sr center, library, citizens on patrol, various local government councils, etc).

 

[COcheesehead]

Making friends is just like dating, you eventually have to take a risk. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. Men generally bond by activities. So as others have said invite an acquaintance for a hike or bike ride or whatever you want to do. Be upfront about it. Say hey I am looking for someone to join in doing X.
It sounds stupid, but I have a good friend who we just do exploratory lunches. Trying new places in search of the world’s best patty melt.

 

[jollystomper]

In addtion to the above items, sports -either playing or watching - has been a big way to connect for me. Most of my current friends I met through some type of sports related activity. For example, I most recently made friends with a guy who joined me on the golf course and found we had both similar interests and different view on things that we were able to laugh about. I'm going to go play with him next week at his member golf course and have lunch.

For men, in terms of meeting women, DW and I started going to ballroom dancing events over 10 years ago, and how the women outnumber the men there. The events we attend have 30-60 minute lessons before the event, and in the lessons you rotate through partners, so that is a good ice breaker. Even as a married man I get asked to dance by other women of a wide range of ages (DW gives me permission ). While I have good rhythm it can be tough for me to consistently follow a "pattern" to lead a dance partner, but that does not seem to matter, everyone if there just to move and have fun.

 

[MarieIG]

With regard to your old friends, can you self-impose a schedule to call one at least once a week to see "what is new" with them? (Have a little bit of interesting conversation on your end - but be prepared to listen more than talk.) Don't keep them on the phone too long - save something for next time and be prepared to follow-up on some of the info they gave you during the prior telephone conversation. This may reestablish some of the older friendships - although be prepared, some may no longer want to pursue a relationship.

Participate in activities in which you have an interest. That way, you enjoy yourself no matter what (and people who are having a good time tend to attract other people). Try to schedule an activity each week.

Do you like animals? If so, would you be interested in "fostering" a pet until it is adopted? That might be a way to dip your toe in the water without a permanent commitment.

Do you enjoy travel? Maybe plan one or two trips a year. (Personally, as a mature person, if I were traveling solo, I would spring for an all-inclusive type trip - where everything would be taken care of - to a location of interest to me, i.e. Ireland/England.)

"Magic" is hard to find. Look for a bit of non-romantic companionship. Maybe you will find magic along the way - maybe not. Also, are you being realistic in what you are seeking in a relationship? I have heard that those swipe left sort of dating apps are unrealistic and frankly can be somewhat depressing so I would be leery of those. (One of my young friends, who recently became engaged, used to give me the blow-by-blow updates. BTW, the now fiancée, a good guy, was a former co-worker friend/ turned romantic, not a swipe left.)

 

[badatmath]

Absolutely volunteer activities. I've made deep connections with 2 organizations and from these, I have developed new friendships.

Just going to the food bank once a week for an hour won't do it. These are more committed opportunities. For example, I've mentioned disaster relief on this board many times. When you go on a trip and live with strangers for a few days, you learn a lot about each other and make new friendships.

BTW: you started your post talking about working at Megacorp and making friends. That was my experience too. I can't believe everyone wants to work from home now. There's going to be a lot of missed opportunities for social connections if this trend persists.

I liked working in the office when young - because the coworkers I had became friends. Due to constant reorgs at the company, the last 10 years of work the "coworkers" I had were spread across the US in several states - never met a single one in person. Everything was a phone call (at first) or a skype meeting (later). There would be no point to driving somewhere under those circumstances. I did not mind so much while working but now . . . I live in a place I know almost no one and the ones I did know have died. I personally don't have the budget to travel or much interest really.

 

[JoeWras]

I liked working in the office when young - because the coworkers I had became friends. Due to constant reorgs at the company, the last 10 years of work the "coworkers" I had were spread across the US in several states - never met a single one in person. Everything was a phone call (at first) or a skype meeting (later). There would be no point to driving somewhere under those circumstances. I did not mind so much while working but now . . . I live in a place I know almost no one and the ones I did know have died. I personally don't have the budget to travel or much interest really.

Well, good point. One reason I retired.

They wanted me to come into the office so I could have meetings based in India. Something is wrong.

 

[nhcycling]

I retired in June and have met a lot of really nice people playing pickleball in my town and the surrounding communities. I’ve also met folk at the local community center. Try some activities that you like daily and meet people that way!

Edit to add: my local university offers classes to retirees and I’m signed up
for a couple this fall

 

[emmaswan]

Making friends is just like dating, you eventually have to take a risk. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. Men generally bond by activities. So as others have said invite an acquaintance for a hike or bike ride or whatever you want to do. Be upfront about it. Say hey I am looking for someone to join in doing X.
It sounds stupid, but I have a good friend who we just do exploratory lunches. Trying new places in search of the world’s best patty melt.

I love the exploratory lunches idea. And when I lived in Texas, the world's best patty melt could be found in any Whataburger!

 

[Trailwalker]

I retired in June and have met a lot of really nice people playing pickleball in my town and the surrounding communities. I’ve also met folk at the local community center. Try some activities that you like daily and meet people that way!

Edit to add: my local university offers classes to retirees and I’m signed up
for a couple this fall

I have found the same re: pickleball. I get texts several times per week from guys who are interested in playing/drilling. That usually leads to a beer or two later. DW has put an ixnay on doing that with women. Find something you are passionate about and people who share your interest.

 

[38Chevy454]

Can't add much new from what has already been suggested. Just confirming that do activities you like and meet people with the same common interest in that activity. Gives you an outlet from the house, and meeting new people. Then take a risk and try initiating a different meeting. I like that lunch search idea as an example. You have to be a friend to make a friend.

 

[JBTX]

https://www.hellawealth.com/blog/work/cruise-job-gentlemen-hosts/

I’ve heard of this - volunteering to go on cruises due to the number of single older females on trips. I guess you have to know how to ballroom dance (mentioned above). I have no direct experience with this.

 

[aja8888]

After my wife passed away last December, I went into a funk as expected. We had several good friends (couples) and those friendships kind of drifted off since we could not spend time with them as a couple anymore. That was to be expected.

I have a good group of real friends here in The Woodlands where I have lived for 30 years now, and I meet with some of them almost daily for coffee, etc. It's our ROMEO club and most of us have been friends for a good long time. We all come from different walks of life and all had different careers. They have been a big help to me getting past the grief period I went through. Actually, I'm still in it. I think.

Many of the PM's I got from folks here during that grieving period really helped me think through what I have in front of me. Thank you all!

But my ROMEO friends are all married and after we meet, they go home, etc and I am left to be. Once in a while, we go out for a group lunch or four of us go play golf (once month, maybe).

BUT.....like Gary, I am frequently feeling pretty lonely without the love of my life who passed away. And even with friends and some things to do, there is this emptiness that settles in me when I go home at night and just sit there in an empty house.

I've tried to stay busy, as that is a help, and I am outgoing and make friends easily, but it seems that I can't find the opportunities to do that all that easily. And I am running out of things to stay busy at.

One friend suggested joining a Meetup Group in the area and see how that goes. Maybe I'll do that......


Gary, I can't give you any advice that you haven't heard already here in this thread, but you are not alone with these feelings.

 

[Teacher Terry]

When you have been married most of your life it’s a big adjustment to being alone. My 2 Maltese fill a big void plus I have many friends since I have lived here 26 years but I still get lonely sometimes. I have taken EF go ahead solo tours and they have been all women except for one man. People were very welcoming inviting others to join them during free time.

One of my sons is also local and I see him every week and I still do a little consulting. I miss little things like having someone to talk to whenever you want and having a built in companion to do things with on the spur of the moment.

 

[MC Rider]

DW and I moved last November and didn't know anyone here. After a while I realized almost every house I can see from ours is a vacation house, and usually empty. So much for friendly neighbors. I signed up for a hiking group on Meetup and go out next weekend to try that.

 

[COcheesehead]

DW and I moved last November and didn't know anyone here. After a while I realized almost every house I can see from ours is a vacation house, and usually empty. So much for friendly neighbors. I signed up for a hiking group on Meetup and go out next weekend to try that.

You bring up an interesting point. We explored moving to more of a mountain resort community, think Vail, etc. I talked to someone who had a house there. He said most of the year, the homes around him are empty and when they aren’t, it’s filled with a renter. He said there was no sense of community, hard to make friends that way. We passed on living in a tourist town and moved instead to a town with tourists - there is a difference.

 

[6miths]

https://www.hellawealth.com/blog/work/cruise-job-gentlemen-hosts/

I’ve heard of this - volunteering to go on cruises due to the number of single older females on trips. I guess you have to know how to ballroom dance (mentioned above). I have no direct experience with this.

This sounds great. DW and I discussed a QM2 cruise in the past but always figured it would be too high brow for us. Reading the article I can see that I would not qualify as a company gigolo as I am 0 for 3 on the pre-requisites - ballroom dancing, being sociable and having excellent manners. I have decent manners but no way they would cut it as 'excellent' with the QM2 crowd.

 

[ls99]

From the perspective of an introvert. My DW passed nearly 7 years ago. After a short while, I took up Argentine Tango classes.
The intent was to learn dancing and have human connections. No intent on finding a partner. After classes I went home. Did not go to open dances.

I like and am comfortable with my own company, always have been.
There is a "Usual suspects" meetup on random bases at one of tha cafes I frequent. We shoot the breeze and go home. Most are widowers or divorcees, none married. We could also pass for am Old Codgers giving Advice club.

As other passtime I own a 14 acre camp, great for fiddling about and getting peace and quiet.
I do try different dance classes, Charleston and Bachata recently, again, fun time in class, then I go home.
Next up, will be auditing a French class at local College.
So, for my purposes, all of the foregoing provides human touch and encounters of various kinds.
Kind of a moderation to my cormudgeon nature.
YMMV