Annoying MegaCorp people !!!!!

[Luck_Club]

Hold-it-in Hal. This guy would save up his bowel movement until he got to work, then unload the pits of hell in the bathroom. He once bragged his kid finally clogged a toilet, as if it were a right of passage into manhood.

This reminds me of our friend's son. He went from house to house unleashing death clogs within 20 minutes of arriving to the party. I just recently replaced the head on the boat from a Hold it in Hal guest.

Thankfully have been home office for 22 years, so other than seeing how the cubicle dwellers live, never had to really experience the life. It's lonely but somebody has to do it.

 

[38Chevy454]

Kim Chee, the stinky lunch queen. What ever she was heating up in the break room would occasionally set off the fire alarm and almost always stunk to high heaven.

Related to the Popcorn Burner, the person that burns popcorn in the microwave, whereby the resulting burn smell permeates every space within 200 ft of the microwave.

 

[CaptTom]

I recall Harriet Holiday Hater. She’s the one who scheduled meetings at 4-5:30 the day before thanksgiving, last minute meetings before three day weekends, even non essential meetings on Christmas Eve. Always the same narrative “it’s just another work day”.

Our whole management chain was like that. Scheduled project implementations the day before a holiday or long weekend, assuring that we'd miss the whole thing working out the bugs.

But wait, I have a GOOD cube neighbor story:

I was once in the next cube from a guy who would have been a very successful stand-up comedian. Think sharing a cube with Robin Williams. My favorite was when his phone would ring, he'd very loudly pretend to pick up the headset. Then he'd "answer" the call with loud, obnoxious and hilarious greeting, pause for effect, and only then politely answer it for real. His timing was perfect.

All day long there was a steady monologue coming out of his cube.

I'd be rolling on the floor laughing some days. He went on to a career in sales. I bet he did well.

 

[MRG]

OMG I am splitting my sides!

Also ... "Stall Meeting Sal" ... the guy who is sitting in the stall, unleashing the spawn of hell, and carrying on some meeting on his cell phone!!

(all real, observed at my MegaCorp)

I beat Sal!

My good buddy is on the can trying to negotiate a multi-million mortgage on his little mansion while building the big one.

I listened for a minute and chose to be a Bathroom Mentor:

I don't know what his mortgage broker thought was going on in the stall next door. I attempted to make it sound like a birthing process, before or after the 9 months.

Based on our conversation after, I was successful.

 

[JoeWras]

I have nothing witty, since I'm still in the morass.

<edited out. Too much anger. Maybe some day I can laugh. Not yet.>

 

[Amethyst]

I think office frenemies, back-stabbing cow-orkers and subordinates-who-undermine are the bane of all large offices.

I inherited a team of 15 NCO's, all male, who had run amok over the previous boss (who wanted to be their pal). The ringleader was a charismatic guy, very right-wing religious, and all the others looked up to him. He really hated having a woman boss, because that, as we all know, is against the Bible. So he did everything he could...in this sleazy, smiley, I'm-so-harmless way...to withhold information, do my job for me, basically try to make me look bad and stupid.

I tried to forge a good relationship with him, but it was no dice - he was far too comfortable with the status quo. Everything was going his way, right up until I got my sea legs in the new job, and by then I was really mad, and performance reviews were due. I ended up driving him out and replacing him with somebody I could trust. And in case you're wondering, I did gain the others' respect. As I suspected, they had just been munching their popcorn, biding their time, to see who won ;^>

 

[John Galt III]

'See and screw' Sam. The manager who, when he sees you in the hallway will screw you over by assigning you some awful, boring task that will take time away from your current deadline. If you don't ever encounter 'See and screw' Sam in the hallway, you're safe, you won't get the awful assignment. Must be a Dilbert episode about him somewhere.

 

[CaptTom]

Related to the Popcorn Burner, the person that burns popcorn in the microwave, whereby the resulting burn smell permeates every space within 200 ft of the microwave.

YES! You guys are bringing back memories!

We had a couple of co-w*rkers who would chip in on a double-garlic pizza for lunch sometimes. This came from an authentic Italian pizzeria which made very good pizza, and used REAL, fresh garlic.

The stink would permeate the entire floor for days afterward.

A few of us realized that we couldn't beat them, so we joined them. We'd chip in on the garlic pizza lunch days. It was pretty good, and you didn't notice the smell so much after eating a few slices. At least for the rest of that day.

Eventually all the managers on the floor got together and banned it.

 

[John Galt III]

Mangler Marsha. She's the smarty-pants smug contract programmer who thinks she can 'improve' your PL1 program by taking out the cpu-intensive array processing, and replacing it with a more efficient algorithm. The project leader approves and moves the new 'mangled' code into production. All is well for a few weeks until it encounters some data that the 'improved code' doesn't handle properly and the program is sending out thousands of incorrect notices to phone customers thanking them for signing up with megacorp phone service, even though they haven't. By now, Marsha Mangler is off somewhere else, as is the project leader, leaving the cleanup to those of us (me) left holding the bag. I take Marsha Mangler's code out of production and replace it with my saved code that works properly, and I explain to my manager that Marsha Mangler screwed up the code, but even so........ wow.... what a pita that smug Marsha Mangler was.

 

[ChicagoGal]

4. The Hackers
These unfortunate folks have health problems and hack, cough, and spit up all day in their cubicle … much to the chagrin and disgust of nearby cubicle dwellers. They refuse to take a sick day. Instead, they sacrifice for the company … unfortunately infecting many other employees.

In response to the Hackers, there is Lysol Lucy, who probably goes through a can of Lysol a day hosing down her desk, the phone, the trash can, anything in sight, leaving a fog of Lysol mist within a 3 cubicle radius so thick a gas mask might be warranted.

And then there is Fake Privacy Frank, the guy who thinks that just because those cloth cubicle walls are 5 feet tall, no one can hear him have lengthy, very personal, detailed conversations with his doctor.

And don't forget Disappearing Dan. Dan doesn't have any reason to have meetings in his job, but is never actually at his desk. Where does he go? What does he do? Only the Shadow knows.

 

[MRG]

The PM who's status meetings are always scheduled through lunch. Oh I hated those.

I finally had my fill of being hungry and fixed the situation for that team. The PM ate at Subway 3 times weekly, I don't care much for Subway but I hate being hungry.

After a couple of meetings I went and broght myself several Subway sandwiches to the meeting. One was just for aroma, unwrapped and smelly! I sat in his meeting and made a big show of unwrapping and enjoying my sandwich while everyone is miserable. He and I both had management titles, no one on the team felt they could do anything. I got all riled up at him.

Funny he somehow found money in his budget to provide subway for lunch meetings.

 

[scrabbler1]

These are a real hoot to read. Thanks for all the great laughs. I can add a few from back in my working days.


Misplaced Matt - I had a boss who always lost documents he was given by staff and others, mainly because his office looked like a filing cabinet exploded. I and others who worked for him needed to keep a special folder named, "stuff I give to <boss> in case he loses it." And we knew early on never, EVER give him an original!


B.O. Bo - he's the one who for some reason always had a bad case of B.O. and was tough to be around for more than a minute or two. My B.O. Bo finally cleaned up his act some, so to speak, after getting married in his late fifties.

 

[athena53]

The PM whose status meetings are always scheduled through lunch. Oh I hated those.

Yes, I'd add Calendar Cathy to this list. While having everyone's Calendar available electronically greatly simplifies scheduling meetings, it can be abused. Lunch-hour meetings are an example. most people don't voluntarily book something at that time so it's an easy target. My Toastmasters Club meets from noon to one and frequently someone can't make it because of a noon meeting that got put on their calendar at the last minute.

Then there are the people who just ignore whatever is on your calendar and schedule the meeting when they want. Sometimes it's inevitable, when you need 10 people to get together and some are in London, some in Zurich, some in California, etc. I've seen it happen with much smaller meetings, where an e-mail asking if I can move whatever is on my calendar at that time would have been the polite thing to do. Maybe I never got very far because I was too polite.

 

[kgtest]

Related to the Popcorn Burner, the person that burns popcorn in the microwave, whereby the resulting burn smell permeates every space within 200 ft of the microwave.

And then explaining how popcorn gives him constant gas, then furthermore proving it. Don't miss that guy he was also a guy that I would have to IM my co-worker to ring me just to lose him, but even then my "fake" phone conversation was sometimes less important to him then his babbling.

 

[kgtest]

Door Dinger Don/Dawn. Watched them ding people's cars for over three year's straight. They had wide doors. Never park next to someone who has a 2 door.

 

[Geld ist Freiheit]

We have a Magnanimous Microwave Mary.
Puts lunch in microwave, sets for 1 minute, pulls it out after 54 seconds.
Can’t be bothered to wait the last few seconds or even push the Clear button.
I guess she figures those last seconds are her gift to the next person.

 

[JoeWras]

We have a Magnanimous Microwave Mary.
Puts lunch in microwave, sets for 1 minute, pulls it out after 54 seconds.
Can’t be bothered to wait the last few seconds or even push the Clear button.
I guess she figures those last seconds are her gift to the next person.

Along with the swamp fish smell she left to help infuse your meal with the wonderful aroma.

 

[Carpediem]

We have a Magnanimous Microwave Mary.
Puts lunch in microwave, sets for 1 minute, pulls it out after 54 seconds.
Can’t be bothered to wait the last few seconds or even push the Clear button.
I guess she figures those last seconds are her gift to the next person.

And there is also "My Microwave Mike" who puts his lunch in the microwave for 2 minutes and then disappears for 5-10 minutes leaving co-workers waiting for the micro to wonder if they should remove his lunch from the microwave.

 

[albireo13]

Fish-Head-Fred:
reheats leftover rank fish, stinking up the entire office area

 

[Cassius King]

These are great. Please keep this thread going,lol!

 

[kgtest]

Negative Nancy's really annoy me. They are never positive, never smile or say hi, their spouse's are terrible, their kids are loser's, they never have enough time to do their work, they complain about a lot of pointless things, generally lack serenity and grace, and appear to clock-watch for everyone but themselves, complaining they worked late last night, extra the night before, came in early today etc. etc yet their results never seem to match up with their bi%#ing

 

[travelover]

Dedicated Dan. If asked how he is doing, he immediately spews out how over worked he is, how important he is to the company, how much overtime he has to work just to get his important job done, how he might have to work a holiday due to his vital function in the company.

Generally seen roaming the halls with a cup of coffee, looking a little lost. Never seen after 4:30 or on weekends.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

I worked for many years in a newspaper newsroom. Movies get the basic setting down pretty accurately: desks butted up against each other, piles of paper everywhere, a constant, low-level hubbub. The "sports fan" never seems to make an appearance, though.

At night, TVs (which are on constantly) are turned to the nightly Big Game. Right around the copy deadline, while editors are trying to sort through a reporter's convoluted math, some action on TV prompts the "fans" to send up a cheer and chatter excitedly about what they had just seen. Conveniently, the most pressure-packed time on the news desk coincides with the climactic stretch of each night's televised game.

Toward the end of my career, enlightened newsroom management moved the entire sports department next to the news copy desk so we could all share in the excitement of the big game. The news-side editors could squeeze in a little work while waiting for Bo Belinski to score his big slam-dunk.

 

[Revlefty]

Killin' Time Kenny. "I have an hour and a half before I have to go to a doctor's appointment and I thought I'd come over to your office to see what was going on..." Those people who are just killing time, so they figured they'd kill it with you--as though you weren't doing anything important anyway.

 

[skipro33]

Chronically Sick Sam, the coward
This is the project leader who inevitably is out sick the day the project goes live. The ONE guy who has the authority to make any changes to the project on the fly and he's out sick. But... if you call him at home during this time, he doesn't answer. Coward!