need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life

[easysurfer]

So I think she was just venting and asked for advice.
I have none to give, other than for her to leave it alone and not contact him for a while, and when she sees him at events be cordial but don't get too chummy talking.

It was something I never would have dreamed would happen. On the surface he does not seem like someone who would ever cheat. Of course he is and did. But he's not a person one would think would do that. And she's not a person who ever slept with a married man, she thinks its wrong and feels bad about it. But she did.

One thing I've learned is outward appearance can be quite deceiving. The ones that don't seem like the type are sometimes just the type ... if that makes any sense .

 

[workburnout]

One thing I've learned is outward appearance can be quite deceiving. The ones that don't seem like the type are sometimes just the type ... if that makes any sense .

Yes and I know people who cheat and it's not even a secret really - people at my work - they are not even close friends but everyone knows they cheat and gossips about it.

The spouses do not know, but no one has told them.

But there are likely a lot of people who cheat and hide it very well - and never seem like they would be the "type" to cheat.

It's interesting because he is a pillar of his community, involved in local government (nothing big) and also civic clubs, girl scout leader, volunteers, and his kids really love him (both are very young).

I wonder if he cheated before. He does not seem like it and he's not even that cute - he is somewhat frugal not flaunting his money - he is not someone a lot of women even sleazy ones would normally go after - but you never know. I am not going to ask him, of course.
But I just wondered. I bet he has, but never know.

 

[easysurfer]

Yes and I know people who cheat and it's not even a secret really - people at my work - they are not even close friends but everyone knows they cheat and gossips about it.

The spouses do not know, but no one has told them.

But there are likely a lot of people who cheat and hide it very well - and never seem like they would be the "type" to cheat.

It's interesting because he is a pillar of his community, involved in local government (nothing big) and also civic clubs, girl scout leader, volunteers, and his kids really love him (both are very young).

I wonder if he cheated before. He does not seem like it and he's not even that cute - he is somewhat frugal not flaunting his money - he is not someone a lot of women even sleazy ones would normally go after - but you never know. I am not going to ask him, of course.
But I just wondered. I bet he has, but never know.

Back when I was w*rking, the department I was at had the people located mostly in the same office. Not like more modern times where telecommuting is more common place and people are not necessarily people at the office all the time. I think statistics (not exactly sure of the stats) is like around 1 out of 40 people are having an affair. So, in an department of about 120 people, I use to do the math then wonder who were the likely ones to cheat. I never really could come to a conclusion as once again, just because people are flirty at the office doesn't mean they are cheating. You never really know.

 

[workburnout]

Back when I was w*rking, the department I was at had the people located mostly in the same office. Not like more modern times where telecommuting is more common place and people are not necessarily people at the office all the time. I think statistics (not exactly sure of the stats) is like around 1 out of 40 people are having an affair. So, in an department of about 120 people, I use to do the math then wonder who were the likely ones to cheat. I never really could come to a conclusion as once again, just because people are flirty at the office doesn't mean they are cheating. You never really know.

Yes, well I telecommute most days, thankfully. However, I still hear the gossip and go over to the office now and then, so hear some of what goes on. Some people are blatant about it, and I am sure many others aren't.
If it's 1 in 40, I wonder if that is at any given time, because it seems like it is a lot higher overall. But that's just my guess, I really have no idea the numbers.

 

[tb001]

Well I made mistakes in my life (not ones I want to talk about now but they are on a totally different topic). And they accepted and kept me as a friend anyway.

So, I guess we all try to remain friends and not judge, that's how our group of friends is - at least that particular group who have known each other since then. Maybe we all are scumbags for past mistakes we have made. Now mine had nothing to do with sleeping with anyone married and I have never cheated. But I have done other stupid things I should not have done in life. Things I would not do again.

I honestly can't hate them, they have a lot of good qualities as people. But no they aren't perfect, they messed up really bad.

I get it. I'm OK with judging on this particular topic. Others I'm probably less judgmental on. As others have said, I would be surprised if it's the first time he's cheated.

FWIW, he's the party that broke his marriage vows, so I'm judgier of his behavior than hers, not that my opinion matters much here. I also think once you've been in a marriage and had kids it can change your perspective on infidelity. Speaking for myself, I don't think I appreciated just how destructive this is for a family and unfortunately kids bear the brunt of the fallout.

And I do think there is a difference between mistakes you've made as a 20 something and mistakes you make in your 40s or 50s.

 

[marko]

I just hope Matt's wife isn't a member of this forum.

OP has given more than enough information for her to figure it all out! "Gee, honey, this sounds like you!"

 

[workburnout]

I get it. I'm OK with judging on this particular topic. Others I'm probably less judgmental on. As others have said, I would be surprised if it's the first time he's cheated.

FWIW, he's the party that broke his marriage vows, so I'm judgier of his behavior than hers, not that my opinion matters much here. I also think once you've been in a marriage and had kids it can change your perspective on infidelity. Speaking for myself, I don't think I appreciated just how destructive this is for a family and unfortunately kids bear the brunt of the fallout.

And I do think there is a difference between mistakes you've made as a 20 something and mistakes you make in your 40s or 50s.

I remember when he was dating a lady for over a year when we lived overseas in our 20's and all hung out. He was with her all the time and I really don't think he cheated. He wanted to marry her. She dumped him and he was so upset - she found another guy she liked better - no cheating was involved.

She feels really bad about it even though he initiated it, she says she is just as bad. She said she should have stopped when he asked, but she allowed her hormones to take over when he asked for the massage. She was surprised he asked, and I believe it because he really is someone no one would "expect" to cheat. He may do it all the time, we have no idea, or it could have been the first time. No way of knowing.

As for his marriage, they have been married something like 9 or 10 yrs now, I forget exactly. They had 6 miscarriages and tried really hard to have kids, finally having two in their 40's, with help from fertility treatment. He really wanted kids, maybe more than she did, though I don't know her well so can't say for sure.

 

[gwraigty]

OP, I detected a familiar tone with your lengthy, rambling post. You seem to thrive on drama and getting yourself involved in other people's affairs, perhaps quite literally this time. You have enough drama with your niece in the private boarding school you're paying for.

TLDR: 2 mutual friends, Matt and Kristi, slept together after getting drunk at a funeral. Matt is married with 2 young kids. Kristi, my best friend, is single and told me this in confidence. Matt and Kristi both feel terrible, but want to pretend nothing ever happened, and continue to contact each other regularly, online and in person. What should Kristi do?

You've gotten so many great answers already, but I suspect that unless it's what you want to hear...

 

[workburnout]

OP, I detected a familiar tone with your lengthy, rambling post. You seem to thrive on drama and getting yourself involved in other people's affairs, perhaps quite literally this time. You have enough drama with your niece in the private boarding school you're paying for.

TLDR: 2 mutual friends, Matt and Kristi, slept together after getting drunk at a funeral. Matt is married with 2 young kids. Kristi, my best friend, is single and told me this in confidence. Matt and Kristi both feel terrible, but want to pretend nothing ever happened, and continue to contact each other regularly, online and in person. What should Kristi do?

You've gotten so many great answers already, but I suspect that unless it's what you want to hear...

So, when she told me, I had no way of knowing - not sure how that makes me guilty of drama.

Not sure how my helping my niece is a bad thing, or how it relates in any way to this post.....I am pretty confused as to why it would matter as my niece has nothing to do with any of my old friends and she's never met them - probably never will.

 

[marko]

OP, I detected a familiar tone with your lengthy, rambling post. You seem to thrive on drama and getting yourself involved in other people's affairs,

Or: "...I have this friend, not me, a friend..."

 

[workburnout]

I just hope Matt's wife isn't a member of this forum.

OP has given more than enough information for her to figure it all out! "Gee, honey, this sounds like you!"

She could be....never know. Although, chances are slim to none. She hates going online, hates computers.

He goes online some but not a lot.

 

[workburnout]

Or: "...I have this friend, not me, a friend..."

LOL

 

[workburnout]

I did promise her I would not tell anyone, hence my post here. It is good to get all the great feedback from this forum, and I appreciate everyone's replies, since I can't ask any of my friends.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I wouldn’t want to be involved at all because if it gets out people in the group will take sides and it could get ugly. Plus no good deed goes unpunished. Some of the group could turn on you.

 

[workburnout]

Not that it matters, but I changed a few minor details of the story on here, so it would not be easily identifiable if someone I knew were to happen to read it.
That's unlikely but I get that it could happen.

 

[workburnout]

I wouldn’t want to be involved at all because if it gets out people in the group will take sides and it could get ugly. Plus no good deed goes unpunished. Some of the group could turn on you.

Thanks for your advice. I will tell her I don't want to be involved and to leave me out of it.

To be totally honest I feel sorry for them both and I am wondering what will happen. But it was their choice. I will keep my distance from them.

After reading the posts on here it has made me realize I need to stay out of it, even though she wanted my opinion and I said I have to think about it.

 

[marko]

I did promise her I would not tell anyone, hence my post here.

Maybe it's me, but posting on the internet is the last place I'd provide such excruciating detail if I wanted to 'not tell anyone'.

 

[gwraigty]

That being said, maybe Kristi cutting off all contact other than when she unavoidably sees him at the group get togethers is best.

@2:24 PM - Yes!

Maybe I should tell her wait a few weeks, or months, before contacting him again to say hi as she always has now and then - throughout the past 20 yrs, along with all the other friends (male and female) in that particular group of friends.
To tell her never contact him ever again seems extreme, since they were good friends before, but I agree waiting a long time is best.

@2:32 PM -

 

[workburnout]

Maybe it's me, but posting on the internet is the last place I'd provide such excruciating detail if I wanted to 'not tell anyone'.

It's the first place I post on a forum like this if I want advice, if I can't tell anyone in "real life" so to speak.

I have friends I speak to in real life but I did not want to get them involved in this not even by telling them. Even if she had not said keep it a secret, I still would not have wanted to tell them.

And I value being able to get many opinions as I have here.

I could go to a priest or therapist in confidence, even several, but that would take forever.

I figure it is a lot faster to ask here and I believe sometimes the "wisdom of crowds" theory or whatever it's called. Where getting a lot of opinions sometimes is best.
But that's me. Not everyone will think that way.

 

[CardsFan]

"The Big Chill"?

I see I'm not the only one who made that connection.

If this was a first or second post by a new member, I would call Troll, but I will give OP the benefit of the doubt.

So, to OP:

1. Stay out of this and don't post about it.

2. Kristi should have NO further contact. Period. End of discussion.

 

[workburnout]

@2:24 PM - Yes!



@2:32 PM -

Yes exactly, I am conflicted on this. I go back and forth. But now I will stay out of it and tell her I can't give her an opinion, it's up to her what to do.

 

[gwraigty]

So, when she told me, I had no way of knowing - not sure how that makes me guilty of drama.

Not sure how my helping my niece is a bad thing, or how it relates in any way to this post.....I am pretty confused as to why it would matter as my niece has nothing to do with any of my old friends and she's never met them - probably never will.

Rambling on and on, saying the same things over and over again, endless "what if this" and "what if that", appearing to take delight in revealing in excruciating detail things that aren't even necessary to the point at hand, present in both topics. I was not implying that your niece has anything to do this situation. Just some interesting parallels in both topics. Moving on...

You've said that your workplace is full of people gossiping about everyone who is having affairs. IMO, that's a toxic work environment in more ways than one. I worked in such a place many years ago. I tried to just keep my head down and do my work. Sometimes it wasn't easy, but I didn't spread the gossip, or contribute to it, or involve myself in it to any degree. It can take a serious effort to not let such things rub off on you and become an unpleasant personality trait.

As to this specific situation, I see nothing to be gained from Matt and Kristi continuing to contact each other, and much to be lost.

 

[gwraigty]

She has totally gotten off Facebook due to this - at least for now. She did not delete her account but she never goes on there.
She did tell him she's getting off for a while and they have not texted or been in contact in a few days.

She could be....never know. Although, chances are slim to none. She hates going online, hates computers.

Except when she's online with Matt, I guess.

 

[tryan]

These two love birds need to cease all contact so they can move forward with their lives and stop revisiting the "fling" ..... All good things come to an end.

 

[workburnout]

Rambling on and on, saying the same things over and over again, endless "what if this" and "what if that", appearing to take delight in revealing in excruciating detail things that aren't even necessary to the point at hand, present in both topics. I was not implying that your niece has anything to do this situation. Just some interesting parallels in both topics. Moving on...

You've said that your workplace is full of people gossiping about everyone who is having affairs. IMO, that's a toxic work environment in more ways than one. I worked in such a place many years ago. I tried to just keep my head down and do my work. Sometimes it wasn't easy, but I didn't spread the gossip, or contribute to it, or involve myself in it to any degree. It can take a serious effort to not let such things rub off on you and become an unpleasant personality trait.

As to this specific situation, I see nothing to be gained from Matt and Kristi continuing to contact each other, and much to be lost.

I would disagree that it's "delight" as you mentioned, because what I'm feeling is stress about it, as I was with the different situation with my niece at the time I posted -that has all been resolved now, in part thanks to advice I got here.

I tend to sometimes stress about things too much and maybe it comes across as delight on here but it's not.

I do tend to vent or want to "let things out" by talking about them when I get stressed, I'll be the first to admit. If it something like this, I am not able to talk about it to anyone I know personally. Plus I like hearing a multitude of opinions not just one or two.

I agree, best not to spread any of the gossip, about affairs, work or otherwise. I don't really care, as you saw I was replying to another poster. Not really sure why I should need to defend myself for doing that.

One main purpose of being able to write questions on a forum is to get opinions from people outside your regular circle of friends/acquaintances.

The bottom line is Matt and Kristi will be seeing each other socially in group settings - due to mutual friends - maybe once a year on average. Hence there is no way for them to never contact each other again - they share the same friend group from way back. I will let her decide and not give an opinion other than tell her work it out for herself. She should not have asked me really.

I now - after reading all the opinions given here - believe she really should limit contact as much as possible - be cordial if they bump into each other but don't initiate contact with him. They probably can't talk anymore like they used to - chit chatting every few weeks or months to say hey hows it going. She has no interest in him other than friends like before. If he divorces she still won't want him - other than friends.