Time to let a friend go.

Scuba said:
I agree with this, although if a male friend let me know he’d be interested if DH weren’t around, that would make me uncomfortable and I’d probably want to end it.
Click to expand...

+1.

I believe there is such a thing as too much "candor." As a guy, I can't imagine telling a "friend" that I want to be on the short list if hubs tips over. That's creepy.
 
Dd852 said:
Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.
Click to expand...
This might be the normal approach, but I'm not sure it's a good one in this case. I don't think it's a great idea to give this person specific events to fixate on, ruminate over, and then decide he's been mistreated. I'd just stop the invitations. If communication/explanation is necessary, I think hubby should do it or you should do it together because:
1) Hubby has known him longer and is the reason this guy is in your life
2) It makes it clear that this is a decision you've made as a couple
3) It makes clear that this is not some sort of secret spat between you and this other person. There's no gap between you and your husband on the issue.

When a guest comes to my house, behaves erratically, then tells me to get away from him and to go to a specific room--there's no longer a requirement for politeness.

I have friends and family members who seem to collect broken people with the hope of fixing them. I think they have noble intentions, but their results are poor and the impact on themselves and others in their life can be pretty high.
 
Per your notes:
1) this is the second time something like this happened
2) Husband does not like this person
3) He has shown violent, harmful behavior towards you--even if the knife did not hit you, it was thrown towards you and he told you to get out of YOUR kitchen.

I would talk with him over the phone and tell him honestly what happened from your perspective and that you no longer want to be around him. Then follow through and no longer see him.
 
pacergal said:
Per your notes:
1) this is the second time something like this happened
2) Husband does not like this person
3) He has shown violent, harmful behavior towards you--even if the knife did not hit you, it was thrown towards you and he told you to get out of YOUR kitchen.

I would talk with him over the phone and tell him honestly what happened from your perspective and that you no longer want to be around him. Then follow through and no longer see him.
Click to expand...


+1. Also, based on your telcon with him, if he lashes out, may want to have hubby close to you for awhile. This guy might be dangerous - probably not but better to be safe than sorry.
 
gwraigty said:
I agree with others in saying that this relationship needs to end. He was tacky to suggest he'd be interested in you if your husband was gone. Is he getting tired of waiting? :mad: I wouldn't call him socially inept. He's rude, demanding, and possibly dangerous.
Click to expand...
I agree. If I were married, and if a man said that to my wife, I would expect her to end the friendship right there and then. And if she respected me, she would.
 
Yes BF is best friend. We have many couple friends but also a few male and female that are single. He was a good friend of a couple we were friends with. Gradually he became one of the group. The sleeping over sometimes was when he lived a hour away in the winter in the mountains so he would stay. 4 years ago he moved into town 10 minutes from us. He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind. He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. My ex threw things and was verbally abusive so it really shook me up. We have taken care of each other dogs and he has the code to my house so will have my husband change it. Up until a month ago we just always had a good time.
 
Aerides said:
This is when the friendship should have ended. Sure, men and women can be platonic friends, but only when neither is interested.

That potential violence is now in the picture just means your ending it is even more overdue, ADD or whatever, doesn't matter, this is not a friendship, it's a risk.
Click to expand...

+1 I think it was completely inappropriate for him to express his interests in OP. Add in that scary outburst and it makes it absolutely clear this is a "relationship" that needs to end immediately. Ghosting or overtly, end it now.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Yes BF is best friend. We have many couple friends but also a few male and female that are single. He was a good friend of a couple we were friends with. Gradually he became one of the group. The sleeping over sometimes was when he lived a hour away in the winter in the mountains so he would stay. 4 years ago he moved into town 10 minutes from us. He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind. He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. My ex threw things and was verbally abusive so it really shook me up. We have taken care of each other dogs and he has the code to my house so will have my husband change it. Up until a month ago we just always had a good time.
Click to expand...

You must really trust this guy, but I caution you here. And your husband allows him to stay over without him being there? You need to fix this fast..
 
We have been such good friends for so many years that I was shocked by his 2 outbursts. I brushed the first one off but this second one is beyond what I am willing to tolerate. I wouldn’t tolerate it from a female friend either. It’s just sad and I will miss his sweet golden dog.
 
Teacher Terry said:
He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind.
Click to expand...

Gonna be blunt here. If I had a male friend, who carried a torch for me, and my husband "didn't mind" that I allowed that friend to hang out and drink and sleep over when DH was out of town.... THAT would bother me. Your husband (and 99% of them) SHOULD mind. He should hate the idea. He should understand that such visits are a terrible idea, and put you at risk, and he should say "nope Terry, I love you, I trust you, but nope." TBH, he should not be in the position to say whether or not he minds, it's a non-starter.

We already know your DH is not the confrontational type from your earlier threads, so he is going to take the path of least resistance here. So his acceptance of the situation is not a sign that things are really ok.
 
I think you know it's time to lose him. Your dogs will find other playmates. You too. Good luck.
 
I actually appreciate that my husband isn’t jealous. My ex was and it wasn’t fun. I just viewed him as another girlfriend and so did my husband. It was only the last few years where he would make a occasional joke about him and I and honestly I thought he was kidding. Regardless the friendship is over.
 
When anyone throws a knife in my house they will be escorted to the front door post haste and told in no uncertain terms they are not welcome back. Unacceptable behavior and no excuse for it, period.
 
Thanks everyone. I don’t respond well initially when something unexpectedly happens. I am usually shocked. I never did crisis work as a social worker because I would suck and have no illusions about that. My husband had no clue until he left. Anyways we are changing the code and ignoring. The thing is he had not been drinking until afterwards so no excuse for the behavior.
 
I wouldn’t accept the forward behavior or the (alcohol induced?) violence period. We haven’t had “friends” like that, but the friends we’ve dropped (for other reasons), we just quit hanging out with them and let the relationships drift apart in time. I didn’t see a need to explain or confront them, for all we know they were done with us as well. And if they really want an explanation, they’ll ask, and you can decide then what if anything to say.
 
Last edited:
"Originally Posted by Teacher Terry
He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested..."

" Aerides- This is when the friendship should have ended."

BINGO.

Additionally, "Ghosting" is weak. I was always taught if you have a problem with a person you address it directly as a common courtesy to all parties involved.

I have been ignored by a few friends over the years who, when confronted, denied any problems existed between us. I'd prefer honesty, even if brutal. I think most of us do. It allows us to learn.

My conclusion? They had done me an indirect favor by revealing their true character. Made it very easy to toss away all the years of "friendship" that had been based on false premises.

C'est la vie....


:)
 
Last edited:
I think there are a lot of respect issues here - on both sides of the equation. No way I would allow some of the actions here that have been described. There's jealousy, and then there's just giving a damn....
 
My husband and I care deeply about each other and have been together 21 years. This is my first happy marriage and for Tiger to insinuate otherwise is rude.
 
quote_img.gif
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry
He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested...

Aerides said:
This is when the friendship should have ended. Sure, men and women can be platonic friends, but only when neither is interested.
Click to expand...

Bingo. I thought the same the moment I read that.
 
He said it in a joking manner and I thought he was kidding.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Teacher Terry
Stolen License Plate
2
Replies
47
Views
2K
Teacher Terry
Teacher Terry
T
Any Leap Year Babies out there?
Replies
12
Views
316
Ronstar
Ronstar
Qs Laptop
When Friends Claim They Need to Keep Working...and You are Doubtful
2 3
Replies
59
Views
4K
TheWizard
TheWizard
T
Looking for article on annuity
2
Replies
35
Views
2K
Sunset
Sunset
Midpack
Is Taking Up A Collection For A Friend Ever Inappropriate?
2
Replies
30
Views
805
pb4uski
pb4uski

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom