Time to let a friend go.

[mountainsoft]

I've counted men among my closest friends my whole life. And I'm sure countless men here have wonderful female friendships too.

I think it's great that many men and women can have platonic relationships. Sadly, I don't fit into that group. I develop feelings for women too easily, and no it has nothing to do with sex. I suppose it's my own weakness that I let my heart and emotions go so easily, but knowing my faults I avoid situations where I might be tempted. Not that the ladies want to be alone with this old fat fart anyway.

I actually wrote an essay on this very topic back in college over 35 years ago. The instructor read my paper out loud to the entire class and I basically became a laughing stock for my backward outdated views. I was extremely embarrassed, but it was an honest assessment of my feelings and that hasn't really changed over the years. I've been happily married to the same woman over 32 years, and we've been together almost 37. She is my best friend, I don't need other female friends, platonic or otherwise.

 

[Aerides]

I think it's great that many men and women can have platonic relationships. Sadly, I don't fit into that group...

Thank you for sharing, and for acknowledging that's just how you are wired - you didn't attempt to project your thoughts onto your entire gender, or the intentions of the other one.

 

[kcowan]

It’s probably only once a year that he spent the night. It’s not often. It’s only if he has been drinking and is tired. I really don’t ever expect to see him again.

This!

Just stop responding and let the relationship die. No need for a confrontation. Expect him to attempt it when he is drunk. Just say you don't like his behaviour. Cold turkey.

I cut off all relations with an old friend because he was always making outrageous decisions and wanting to proselytize to us. Google FI, Dr Ho, Roomba, and many others where they were not relevant to our needs (or beliefs).

I had a chat with my financial adviser and he made me see that personal cost was not worth it. He had been the best man at my first wedding so it was a long-time friendship.

Best to cut and run, locomotive style!

 

[Bestwifeever]

“Ghosting” is just a new term for a very effective way to shut things down. Do it.

If I told DH I didn’t like a friend of his, he would trust my reaction and drop the relationship. I of course would do the same without question. Maybe that’s just us.

 

[Gulfbeach]

I just read this entire thread in one go and it looks like Teacher Terry has the personal insight and professional skills to have made a good choice for herself on this matter.

 

[kgtest]

Funny you mention knives. I had visited a friend a month or two ago, he was drinking a few beers...red in the face. he pulled out a knife that was kind of just sitting on a workshop table and started pounding it on the table mad about some other women he "let go" or something and how me bringing her name up stabbed him in the heart.

I left immediately as soon as I felt safe and have not been back since.

 

[Teacher Terry]

KG, that’s scary. BW, our couple friends both have to like. Our individual friends not so much. Plus my husband doesn’t hate him. He just found him annoying and not his cup of tea. He was part of a couple when we first met and we all really liked her.

 

[cnocmmz]

We have moved a lot and friendships have stayed or gone. I have a male friend that I met 15 years ago thorough mutual friends. He has let it be known if my husband was gone he is interested. Strictly platonic for me. He comes over for dinner and cards twice a month. He does have ADD so can be socially inept. He has a older sweet golden who is good with my 2 little Maltese. The routine is they bark at her and I take them all outside. I make dinner and he brings a salad. I came in and he said this knife is dirty and literally threw it across my tiny kitchen and hit the sink missing me and not breaking my dishes in the sink. I said do you need a sharper knife and he said no and told me to get away from him and go into the living room. I did until the timer went off for dinner. Then he drank wine and wanted to spend the night like he has done before and I said no after 5 hours. My husband said maybe I just need a one month break. I think I need a permanent break. Should I ghost him or tell him the truth?

I am not sure you need friends like this, and, it seems he may have had a few drinks prior to dinner? There may be some underlining issues about his feelings for you? In any case, I say make it a PERMANENT break, although I do not get a vote!

 

[Teacher Terry]

No worries it’s permanent!

 

[Mdlerth]

Of course it's possible to be close friends but not lovers

I'm a woman... but I've counted men among my closest friends my whole life. And I'm sure countless men here have wonderful female friendships too, with no thought of poles or "requirements" or any of that nonsense.

DW and I have a number of friends who are writers. If you've ever shared your writing with others, you know it can be an intensely revealing and intimate experience. About 90% of writers are women, and from time to time one of them will spend the night in our house. Has DW ever had the odd jealous thought enter her mind? Well, probably she has.

But there's no substance behind such notions. I'm devoted to my bride, and to my female friends, we're merely fellow passengers on the same journey.

 

[albireo13]

Just tell him you are not interested in any of that nonsense and that he can take it elsewhere.
See ya ....

 

[Teacher Terry]

Md, I appreciate that you shared your story. Thanks

 

[HI Bill]

If a guest in my home threw a knife (butter, steak, or otherwise) past me into the sink, in a way that almost harmed me, the sink, or my dishes, they'd be gone. Never invited to return. Especially one who professed interest in me while I was still married and had exhibited bad behavior before.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Bill, I was taken by surprise and shaken. I should have got my husband and threw him out but I am not thinking clearly when something like this happened. My husband was in his office and unaware. It’s been over a week and haven’t heard from him so maybe he noticed I unfriended him on Facebook.

 

[Souschef]

KG, that’s scary. BW, our couple friends both have to like. Our individual friends not so much. Plus my husband doesn’t hate him. He just found him annoying and not his cup of tea. He was part of a couple when we first met and we all really liked her.

We had a similar situation. We used to play bridge with a couple, but as time went on, his drinking got worse. My late wife finally told him that there were too many things in life she had to do and this was not one of them.
Sadly, he passed away a few years later.

 

[akidagain2018]

If a guest in my home threw a knife (butter, steak, or otherwise) past me into the sink, in a way that almost harmed me, the sink, or my dishes, they'd be gone. Never invited to return. Especially one who professed interest in me while I was still married and had exhibited bad behavior before.

This, and ADD socially awkward would be a no, for me. ADD and socially awkward was equivalent to deep seated narcissism in my experience with someone like this, in an intimate relationship. NEVER AGAIN!!

Put your mask on before helping others.

 

[Kroeran]

General thoughts, not directed at OP

My experience and observation is that there is either an asymmetry of need or attraction, or more dangerously, for a married couple, a plausible future match being nurtured as a plan B.

I wonder how many second and third partners were such platonic friends during a previous marriage.

Compassion towards divorced friends is a consideration, but how far do you go with friendship as charity? Where is the ex wife you liked more?

My wife having lunch with a younger male protege is no problem, especially as we are occasionally invited out as a couple and he is married. She once had lunch with an older, divorced colleague from her agency, and I explained to her what was going on.

When we socialize with couples, a red flag is up if the guy is more interested in my wife than me, and vice versa. Where there is an age gap, ie I get along better with the woman who is an older couple, the flag is tolerated.

We are both first married mid thirties after a lot of experience, and have similar instincts.

All this plays out in an interesting way in Florida gated community life, which can feel like high school.

 

[Backdraft57]

If it was me and this was my wife (you), and some dude was hanging around and saying I'd have you if this guy (me) was dead, I would have nixed him a LONG time ago. Single man hanging with married couple? Weird IMHO. Dump him.

 

[Retire2013]

Make yourself and your husband unavailable for any future get-togethers, i.e., ghosting. His behaviors have been so inappropriate and erratic so I would not want to take the risk of a very unpleasant and possibly violent reaction from him if you were to attempt a direct discussion with him that you found his behaviors unacceptable.

 

[trumpeting_angel]

Interesting thread. I don’t think ADD can explain all of this. Maybe somewhere on the autism spectrum or, as someone suggested, serious narcissism.

Initially I thought, just ghost him. He will know why. Then others thought he might imagine all sorts of
victimization. Possibly. If he asks, one can simply text “knife throwing.” I still think he will know. Outrageous behavior.

 

[Tiny Kingdom]

My teenager has ADD. Part of that is impulse control, but frankly, if he threw a knife he'd be walking to school for the next six months. I realize you've decided, justifiably, to end this friendship, but in case someone thinks ADD is remotely a reason for this behavior--it's not. Inability to sit still, concentrate, shift from one task to another etc. doesn't cause knife-throwing. Social ineptness doesn't cover not knowing that throwing things isn't appropriate.

If my child thew a knife into my sink, he'd be doing worse than walking to school. Mom collects useless breakable things and throwing anything in my kitchen might make Mom lose impulse control.

 

[eleighj416]

Time to punt this guy by whatever means you are comfortable with. He has made you very uncomfortable and threatened. Time to stop the psychological review and move on for your own piece of mind.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Kroeran, he wasn’t married to his partner and they lived in different cities. When she broke up with him after 5 years we don’t see her because she lives in a different town. We have other female friends that aren’t part of a couple and we still invite them to our parties. One of my friends is 84 and was part of a couples group for 30 years. Thankfully she is still included in the group after her husband died.

 

[gwraigty]

Interesting thread. I don’t think ADD can explain all of this. Maybe somewhere on the autism spectrum or, as someone suggested, serious narcissism.

My teenager has ADD. Part of that is impulse control, but frankly, if he threw a knife he'd be walking to school for the next six months. I realize you've decided, justifiably, to end this friendship, but in case someone thinks ADD is remotely a reason for this behavior--it's not. Inability to sit still, concentrate, shift from one task to another etc. doesn't cause knife-throwing. Social ineptness doesn't cover not knowing that throwing things isn't appropriate.

Agree. Neither does being on the autism spectrum. My son has autism and does not behave in a violent or angry manner. He's actually quite shy.

 

[WWDog]

I didn't read all the replies but my first impression is run don't walk away.