A Friendly Gesture Cheapened - Am I Overthinking This?

[Vincenzo Corleone]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

 

[Jerry1]

You’re overthinking it. It’s natural for people to want to reciprocate. Enjoy the wine and get out there and talk to your neighbors a bit more. Think of this all as a bit of an ice breaker.

 

[Scratchy]

As you are so carefully examining your neighbors motivations, consider that by your own account, were it not for the fact that you happened to have excess baked goods from preparations for your family gathering, your neighbors would have received nothing from you.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

As you are so carefully examining your neighbors motivations, consider that by your own account, were it not for the fact that you happened to have excess baked goods from preparations for your family gathering, your neighbors would have received nothing from you.

While I understand you getting that impression from my OP, the fact is that my wife and I discussed making this gesture days before she made the first batch of cookies.

 

[Scratchy]

It was a nice gesture from you. And I think the neighbor's prompt reciprocation was also very nice.

 

[Ian S]

It was a nice gesture from you. And I think the neighbor's prompt reciprocation was also very nice.

+1

 

[RetiredHappy]

Don't over think it. Maybe next time take a bit more time to chat with your neighbors. I would certainly feel awkward if a neighbor leaves something by my door without even ringing my doorbell to say hello to me.

On a similar note, our practice amongst close friends is that we do not exchange Christmas presents or any gifts for that matter. We tell them to donate to their favorite charity with the money they would otherwise have spent on gifts for us, as we do for them. Well, we know this couple from across the street, we golf with them a little bit and invited them to our home for dinner. They later reciprocated with a dinner invitation a month later. Last week, they left a Christmas gift by our door and texted me to let me know that Santa just visited. Oops, they are not close friends enough to know that we don't do gifting. In the bag were some trinklets which will never be used and will go to Goodwill on our next trip. Regardless, we felt that we had to reciprocate and we put a nice bottle of wine with a box of Godiva truffles in a gift bag and took it over to them a couple of days later. Would we have done it if they had not left the bag by our door? No. It was just awkward. I usually order Godiva truffles (12-piece box) and leave them in the fridge exactly for situations like this. I had just ordered 5 boxes 2 weeks before and now I am down to 1 box, which I would like to have for myself. No more surprise gifting!

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

I would certainly feel awkward if a neighbor leaves something by my door without even ringing my doorbell to say hello to me.

Covid has really made some people squeamish about having extended chats face-to-face. One of the neighbors I referred to are in a high-risk demographic. Moreover, I've noticed that other neighbors have this ritual of leaving bags of homemade food for each other on their doors. I wonder if it's so unusual.

But, anyway, I get the feeling I'm overthinking things.

Edit to add: And, to be clear, this reciprocation happened within an hour or two of us leaving the baked goods at their door. The expeditiousness in which it was done, I think, is the sticking point for me. Of course it's natural for people to want to return a kind gesture at some future point. But, for some reason, the swiftness of it made it feel more like - "OK, let's just get this over with so we can call it even".

I know - I'm nuts. Moderators, please feel free to delete this thread.

 

[captain3d]

If you say hello to the neighbor and they say hello back. Is it the same problem?

 

[Sunset]

OP - In some cultures it's basically mandatory to gift back to a person that gives you a gift. It's an obligation/rule.

From the other side viewpoint, it could be that your unexpected gift felt uncomfortable.

We have a relative that gives us a gift and every year we tell him not to bother. But he does, so we feel obligated to give him a gift.

<edit> I do think it was a nice thing for you to do. Use the wine for cooking if you consider it too cheap to drink.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Some people have neighbors that cause all kinds of problems.

You have some that gave you wine.

Appreciate what you have.

 

[Amethyst]

I fail to see anything wrong with what your neighbors did.

Your neighbors returned your kind and unexpected gesture, with one of their own. I might have done the same thing, although I probably would have rung your doorbell before leaving the gifts.

Perhaps you are disappointed because they did not come over to personally thank you for the baked goods? Maybe they are shy, or maybe you didn't answer your doorbell.

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

 

[Amethyst]

One more thought - did you and your wife include a note with the cookies, inviting the neighbors to stop by for a chat when they had a chance?

If not, they may have wondered, themselves, why you chose to leave it on the doorstep without ringing their bell. Might they have assumed you made too many cookies, much as people go around leaving excess zucchini on people's doorsteps in late summer?

And now I am overthinking, so....

Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays!
Happy New Year!

 

[njhowie]

Sure, they felt obligated to return the gesture. If the shoe were on the other foot and they left the wine first and you hadn't already considered giving them the baked goods, which caught you off guard on Xmas Eve, would you not feel obligated to return the gesture? Let's suppose the neighbors didn't leave you anything, let it go, and you never heard a word from them - would you feel better about the situation? Do you feel as though your gift/gesture was cheapened because your wife spent the time baking and they just grabbed a bottle of wine they had laying around with no effort?

You're overthinking it. Going forward, maybe it will be the start of a new friendship? Maybe, after the holidays, when the weather is nicer (depending where you live), invite the neighbors over for a barbecue one afternoon, or maybe dinner?

 

[PaunchyPirate]

Overthinking it.

 

[Midpack]

You’re overthinking it. It’s natural for people to want to reciprocate. Enjoy the wine and get out there and talk to your neighbors a bit more. Think of this all as a bit of an ice breaker.

It was a nice gesture from you. And I think the neighbor's prompt reciprocation was also very nice.

Says it all.

For more than 40 years DW bakes Christmas goodies every year, and gives them to friends and family***. She’s scaled back the “operation” but at her peak one year she made 144 dozen (1,728 cookies) - it took about 2 weeks! This year she also gave some to about a half dozen neighbors, some we know, some we’ve barely met (we’re new to the neighborhood). Some reciprocated, some said thanks, some haven’t said anything - and all are good.

We learned long ago we give with NO expectations. We give because we enjoy it, not because we have ANY expectations. And we don’t think more or less of people for how/if they respond.

***An interesting corollary: DW’s tradition has created expectations. Some family members have asked ‘if she’s making cookies this year.’ And one of her friends expects cookies from DW every year to share at their family Christmas gathering. One “friend” took the cookies DW gave her to her office XMas party and claimed she’d made them (DW cut her off thereafter).

 

[aja8888]

Some people have neighbors that cause all kinds of problems.

You have some that gave you wine.

Appreciate what you have.

Exactly. Around here, neighbors are one of the good points of this "neighborhood".

Get to know them a bit. Someday, you may need the help of one.

 

[Aerides]

You've chosen a negative narrative and assumed a lot about your neighbors. And what if the worst is true - they felt obligated and pulled out a bottle any old bottle to feel "even" - so what? Isn't that kind of to be expected and normal?

So, rewrite it in your head... Right now you have:
(neighbor)
"Oh damn Jim left us cookies, what can we get him so we don't look bad?"

instead, imagine it's:

"What a lovely gesture that Jim left us cookies, we are now inspired to do something!"

Life is a lot nicer when you assume positive intent.

 

[LoneStarJeffe]

A nice gesture was made and reciprocated. Just as before, when no nice gesture was made, none was reciprocated. Think carefully about which wolf you want to feed going forward. That is the wolf who will win.

 

[Gumby]

For the last several years, I have bought discs of fancy Mexican stone ground chocolate from TAZA, in Boston, and some little Christmas bags and cards from the dollar store. I write a friendly holiday note to each of the neighbors on our street, put the note and chocolate in the little bag and hang it on their door knob. It's a very small street and I just want them to know that I appreciate them as neighbors. I sure hope they don't feel stressed out about it.

 

[Fermion]

Some people have neighbors that cause all kinds of problems.

You have some that gave you wine.

Appreciate what you have.

+10

First world problems for sure when your biggest complaint about the neighbor is that they are leaving you bottles of wine instead of running a meth house with two unchained pitt bulls on the front porch.

 

[isisdave]

Most folks old enough to be considering retirement have learned not to impute meaning to others' actions without SOME basis. You probably have too. In some neighborhoods, folks just don't talk to each other. In others, it's a regular community. If you want to make it warmer, you can start -- just as you did. Happy New Year!

 

[pacergal]

It was a friendly, thoughtful gesture on Both you and your neighbor.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy a Merry Christmas!
Tomorrow or whenever you see them, start a conversation and get to know each other better.

 

[Keim]

Seems like niceness all around. Your next move:. Invite them over for a glass of wine in a few months.

 

[Midpack]

Most folks old enough to be considering retirement have learned not to impute meaning to others' actions without SOME basis. You probably have too. In some neighborhoods, folks just don't talk to each other. In others, it's a regular community. If you want to make it warmer, you can start -- just as you did. Happy New Year!

+1. Having moved around a lot, I can attest to this. Some neighborhoods it's normal to know each other (where we live now), and others hardly anyone knows their neighbors - not even next door some times. In my current neighborhood, almost everyone waves at each other driving or walking, whether they know you or not. We walk everyday, and it's the complete opposite in the two neighborhoods right next to us - drivers and walkers don't even make eye contact much less wave or smile, even though we wave at almost everyone (why not?). I have no idea why...