FIL wants to get married after knowing woman 2 weeks!

[donheff]

For a little perspective put yourselves in the shoes of her kids worrying about your gold-digger FIL. Let it be...

 

[dixonge]

at least he won't have to worry about birth control or child support

And unless he has a sizeable estate to worry about, 'gold-digging' probably isn't a concern...

 

[athena53]

My dad "married" late in life. They had a church wedding and signed an agreement for things like how the house would be handled (his house, but upon his death, she can live out her life in it if she wants). They just found it easier to handle their financial affairs by staying separate legally.

How did that work? I was always under the impression that it was illegal for clergy to perform a religious ceremony and then not report it to the state. (My grandfather wanted to do this when he remarried and the priest said he couldn't.). Was it some sort of commitment ceremony that didn't count as marriage in the eyes of the state?

 

[Idnar7]

My DF married a women a couple years younger at 81. They had a church wedding. I was best man and her daughter was maid of honor. They kept their finances separate and didn't change their wills. She owned a home and he paid her some rent. They spent most of five years happily traveling and wintering in Florida. He passed at 86 and she passed the next year. There is no way he would have lived those five years otherwise.

 

[Bigdawg]

FIL has been a widow now for 2 years this month. He's met a woman and after 2 weeks they are talking about getting married!

DH and I are freaking out. We know he's lonesome, but 2 weeks is a little soon!
He lives across the country so we haven't met her and we know nothing about her family.

I've done a background check as much as a civilian can do. It doesn't appear she has any bankruptcies, criminal issues, or other unsavory past, but we're still worried about him.

The suggestion to live together won't fly. They're both 81 and live in rural Arkansas, so "what would the neighbors say!" is what they would tell us.

I realize bottom line it isn't any of our business but we're worried and don't know how to talk about this with him without upsetting him. We could care less about his "estate" just don't want him to get hurt.

Any advice?

My mother and her man (rural Northern Arkansas) were going to do the same thing. I called his lawyer son and we had a long talk. His son wasn't happy. He and I prevailed. My mother and his father have been happily dating for four years now. My mother wears a ring. They tell anyone who asks that they are married. They spend a few nights per week at my mother's apt (progressive care facility) and a few nights/week at his house. They have travelled the world together. They split costs. He is more well of than my mother. Their arrangement seems to work very well for them. Once they found out that the family did not care if they were "living in sin" all seemed fine.

Good luck

 

[rodi]

My dad was 72 and my stepmom 75 when they met... they were talking marriage/union within 1 month. (They ended up doing a registered domestic partnership to preserve pensions/SS... but still had a legal union and public joining.) It was the happiest 5 years of my dad's life (he died after 5 years. They made sure to set up their trusts so that their assets went to their respective kids (with some protection for the surviving spouse not getting kicked out of a shared home.) Most of the respective kids were on board because it was obvious they were totally smitten and great together.

My brother lived in another state and was very upset... He never bothered to meet our step-mom till after dad died. (And unfortunately, my brother died 2 months later) It caused a huge rift.

I agree with the idea to go out, visit, look at how happy (or not) your dad is... If it's genuine, encourage him to go for it. Life is short.

 

[ivinsfan]

My mother and her man (rural Northern Arkansas) were going to do the same thing. I called his lawyer son and we had a long talk. His son wasn't happy. He and I prevailed. My mother and his father have been happily dating for four years now. My mother wears a ring. They tell anyone who asks that they are married. They spend a few nights per week at my mother's apt (progressive care facility) and a few nights/week at his house. They have travelled the world together. They split costs. He is more well of than my mother. Their arrangement seems to work very well for them. Once they found out that the family did not care if they were "living in sin" all seemed fine.

Good luck

Isn't it interesting how it's somehow more okay to manipulate or coerce seniors? Imagine if this post had been about a couple of 30 something adult kids instead of 2 seniors? The use of the word "prevailed" isn't anything I would feel good about in regards to my parents.

These seniors "pretend" marriage after pressure from 2 of their children. And it works out "well for them". good enough I guess.

To the OP I suggest you read the above solution and see what your gut reaction is to it.

I've voting with the posters who say. "we love you and want you to be happy, we wish you all the best." If you need us, call us and we are so looking forward to meeting this special lady. Your FIL is finally recovering from the loss of his spouse, yes it could be a mistake to marry so quickly, but IMO it's their call....

 

[Aerides]

Tough spot. He's 81, a normal courtship is time-a-wasting. That said, I'm sure you'd feel 10x better if this was 2 months vs. 2 weeks.

Definitely go meet them both, if nothing else than to be supportive children at the wedding. If they are so traditional that the neighbors' opinion is a big driver of the rushing, then having family there should also fit in their values.

Beyond that, hide your apprehension and worry or you will only end up annoying and alienating your FIL in these late years, which is a higher probability outcome than any other.

 

[Nemo2]

At 81, two weeks is comparable to accelerated dog years.

 

[tmm99]

I could be wrong, but in their days, maybe they had to be engaged (or even married) before they could sleep with each other? And that's the only reason they are getting married?

 

[athena53]

The use of the word "prevailed" isn't anything I would feel good about in regards to my parents.

These seniors "pretend" marriage after pressure from 2 of their children. And it works out "well for them". good enough I guess.

My mother is terminally ill and probably won't live through the end of the year. We're all dealing well with it; she's 85, she's led a full life and Dad has plans to move near my brother and SIL after Mom is gone.

Dad is pretty financially savvy but if he found someone else he wanted to marry, I'd remind him that unless she had LTC insurance or was quite wealthy, his own assets (about $800K) could be spent on her LTC if she needs it before he does, or on her unreimbursed medical expenses. The other factors- making sure kids from previous marriages inherit only their natural parent's assets- can be taken care of with the right legal paperwork, but some entanglements are a part of legal marriages and cannot be discharged.

Whatever is left of Dad's estate will be split among my 4 siblings and me and the amounts won't be life-changing. If he spends it all, we don't care. I'd just want to make sure he would understand the legal implications of remarrying.

 

[FIYes]

Marry in haste ...repent at leisure. There is some truth to these old sayings. I would be concerned about this quick wedding. My mother had two unhappy marriages after age 70 that she rushed into. In both cases she did not take the time to get know the person she was marrying. The stress of an unhappy marriage and divorce is difficult at any age, but like many things advanced age makes it even more difficult.

They are adults and can make their own decisions, but your concerns about a hasty marriage are reasonable. I guess that I am less concerned about the financial aspects (a prenup can mitigate some of these risks). I am concerned about the emotional turmoil and stress that can occur.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Bruceski44]

As far as keeping finances separate, is Arkansas a community property state? If so, I think the division applies to pre-marriage assets, but post-marriage assets and income I think will be commingled. I'm not sure about this, but perhaps you should look into it. The state may overrule any agreement they may have if it's a community property state.

 

[Katiek]

I like the advice about going to see him and see how happy he seems (and your impressions of her). Ultimately, this is his decision to make unless he's suffering from a mental deterioration that renders him unable to decide for himself. If you do talk to him about protecting himself financially, make sure the emphasis is on making sure that he is able to use his resources for his health and well being and not about any assets that might be left to his heirs.

I hope this is a case of him finding a well suited companion and that this relationship brings them both joy in the years they have remaining.

 

[athena53]

If you do talk to him about protecting himself financially, make sure the emphasis is on making sure that he is able to use his resources for his health and well being and not about any assets that might be left to his heirs.

Absolutely. I thought of two more points to make about the implications of legal marriage: if she's getting Widow's benefits from SS she loses them (could be somewhat offset by Spousal benefits if she remarries). She also loses Survivor benefits from any annuities or private pensions her late husband had. My grandpa was hoping to do a church marriage without it being legally recognized so his new wife's SS benefits wouldn't decrease.

My grandpa nearly went through his savings before he died at age 95. He'd outlived the second wife and was in failing health but wanted to stay in his individual unit in the Continuing Care community. Unfortunately, aging in place was costing $10K/month for 24/7 home health aides and he had to move into the "Health Center" (the nursing home unit) his last year.

He spent a whole lot more on the second wife (her "upgraded" engagement ring diamond that he bought for their 5-year anniversary was bugger than my one-carat stone) and every time one of Grandpa's CDs came up for renewal it got moved into her name. She'd brought very little into the marriage (her adult kids had told her she needed to find a husband in order to live decently) but was sending $300/month to one daughter. My mother and her siblings had no problem with Grandpa dying with almost nothing but I can tell you they would have been very annoyed if they'd had to chip in to support him those last years.

 

[Jerry1]

How did that work? . . . . Was it some sort of commitment ceremony that didn't count as marriage in the eyes of the state?

Yes, a commitment ceremony, but it was the same as any other wedding I had ever been to. I was the best man, they said vows, they exchanged rings . . . Only thing different was that no paperwork for the State was filed. I'd have to discuss with my dad on the details I do know they had to discuss it with the preacher/minister, but I was not involved with that part of the discussion.

 

[athena53]

Yes, a commitment ceremony, but it was the same as any other wedding I had ever been to. I was the best man, they said vows, they exchanged rings . . . Only thing different was that no paperwork for the State was filed.

Thanks. We know an Episcopal priest who has quietly done a few of these for older couples. I'm sure he worded the ceremonies carefully so that the state (NJ at the time) didn't consider it a marriage he had to report.

 

[pb4uski]

....The suggestion to live together won't fly. They're both 81 and live in rural Arkansas, so "what would the neighbors say!" is what they would tell us. ....

Since when did 81 year olds anywhere give a tinker's damn what the neighbors think?

 

[Watertree]

Go visit FIL ASAP. Get FIL to an attorney and put together an irrevocable trust. If fiance is upset, then you will know she is a golddigger!

 

[ponyboy]

How much is FIL worth?