Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[harllee]

I know it was a different time but I cannot imagine living with my parents at age 26. After college I got a job and an apartment. I could not afford a nice apartment so I got a cheap ugly one but it was OK. I saw my parents every month or so, they lived about an hour away, to be honest once a month was enough to see my parents even though I loved them. At age 22 I was ready to live on my own and I would have done most anything to avoid moving back in with my parents. I cannot understand a 26 year old still living with their parents but maybe that is just me.

 

[ivinsfan]

I know it was a different time but I cannot imagine living with my parents at age 26. After college I got a job and an apartment. I could not afford a nice apartment so I got a cheap ugly one but it was OK. I saw my parents every month or so, they lived about an hour away, to be honest once a month was enough to see my parents even though I loved them. At age 22 I was ready to live on my own and I would have done most anything to avoid moving back in with my parents. I cannot understand a 26 year old still living with their parents but maybe that is just me.

I think it's the inflated cost of college that is a big part of the problem. A teaching degree can easily take 4 and a half to 5 years including student teaching. We have to be consistent, we can't tell kids to save money in college by living at home and then criticize them when they do that. Graduate from HS at close to 19, spend 5 years in college and you are at least 24.. it's not like the OP's daughter has been living at home for years while fully employed.

 

[Sgare]

I think you have two issues and they are not related......

Issue #1....Fear of Corona Virus....According to the CDC, the survival rate for folks 69 or lower is 99%.....You certainly need to make your own decision on that but not sure that means no-one in your home can socialize....Again, your decision but check out the science.

Issue #2....Daughter living w/you.....That's a tough one and if it is your house, it's your rules. This may be the time for your daughter to decide to move on.....

I'd work thru them as two issues.

Good luck...both issues are tough and there is no right answer...just decisions.

Yes to 1 and 2.

 

[GravitySucks]

My friends 23 year old son brought the virus from a party to his home. My friend is fairly high risk and said the saddest part was his son spend his quarantine in his room crying thinking he endangered his father's life.

 

[tmm99]

I know it was a different time but I cannot imagine living with my parents at age 26. After college I got a job and an apartment. I could not afford a nice apartment so I got a cheap ugly one but it was OK. I saw my parents every month or so, they lived about an hour away, to be honest once a month was enough to see my parents even though I loved them. At age 22 I was ready to live on my own and I would have done most anything to avoid moving back in with my parents. I cannot understand a 26 year old still living with their parents but maybe that is just me.

I think parents nowadays pamper their kids longer. They got soft and their kids got used to it?

 

[ivinsfan]

I think parents nowadays pamper their kids longer. They got soft and their kids got used to it?

I dunno, how much do you think the cost of college, or rent, or running a car have gone up compared to entry level wages...not sure pampering is the right word here. There have always been kids "spoiled" by their parents and kids that grew up in families that had nothing and HAD to fend for themselves. The group of kids that need a little extra support from their parents before launching has probably gotten a little bigger. If your kid is in school, working at an entry level job and needs a hand, most parents with the means with give a little bit of aid.

 

[Dreamer]

We went on vacation to Ocracoke Island, NC the end of August with my DD and her family. They have our only grandchildren and I love being with them. We have not seen them since 08/29/20. Our DD invited us to dinner and to play games in September and I told her that we would love to come, as long as they were covid 19 safe. She said they had only been with her DH's family (who works outside the home) and that they were safe and it had been a week and everyone was fine. I told her that we would have to pass, because I don't know what being safe means to that family and that people who are asymptomatic feel fine. I told her if there is a time that they have not been around anyone for 2 weeks to let us know and we would come visit. I think that it upset her and I did not hear from her. I texted her and told her, we could drive up (they moved to Pittsburgh PA) and go for a walk outside with them. She said they already had plans. We used to talk almost daily on the phone, but she would not answer her phone or call me back. I must admit that I cried over this several times. However, I accepted it. I do not want my DH (who is obese according to BMI or myself to end up in the hospital or worse. DD finally reached out to me earlier this week and said this weekend will be 2 weeks and would we like to have the grandkids for the weekend. They are bringing them tomorrow and we will take them back home Sunday. I am ecstatic.

I agree with the majority of the posters who replied that you must take care of yourselves and do whatever it takes to keep safe. I think there have been some good, kind responses and I would take them into consideration.

 

[ivinsfan]

Dreamer it's hard, we have settled on a week or so timeline with family. Everyone works from home and they mostly see family. So we feel that in 7 days if neither they nor the family they had seen earlier have any COVID issues we are in good shape. I know if anyone in the extended family had gotten ill, they would tell them.

Now if I had younger kids who were out and about in public or at bars and things, I probably lean more towards the 2 week timeline. It all depends on your comfort level. Enjoy seeing your grandkids this weekend...

 

[Rianne]

OP, when this pandemic became reality in March, I watched the PBS documentary about the 1918 flu pandemic. A documentary made by...say Ken Burns who interviews, examines and puts truth to the screen is so necessary right now. The science, the personal stories, the background in reality has to be condensed for all to get how serious this virus is. All the data is so scattered right now. You hear bits here and there. What’s true? What’s not?

We don’t have a current documentary like that yet. Sit her down and make her watch the 1918 documentary. She’s ignorant right now. She doesn’t get the seriousness of this virus and how her actions can have severe consequences.

 

[Born2BRetd]

My daughter is in a post grad program. When we shut down in March her boyfriend stayed with us for a couple of months then moved back an hour away when his work reopened. His work has high contact with people so my daughter didn't see him for several months. It eventually became too much and she moved back up to be with him. She comes down for a couple days a week for her in person clinical classes. When she is in our house, she wears a mask unless she is in her room and she eats her meals outside and we join her when we can. She is very conscientious about doing everything she can while she is here to prevent any possible spread.

 

[tmm99]

I dunno, how much do you think the cost of college, or rent, or running a car have gone up compared to entry level wages...not sure pampering is the right word here. There have always been kids "spoiled" by their parents and kids that grew up in families that had nothing and HAD to fend for themselves. The group of kids that need a little extra support from their parents before launching has probably gotten a little bigger. If your kid is in school, working at an entry level job and needs a hand, most parents with the means with give a little bit of aid.

Maybe not pampering but spoiling as you said. I do believe many parents perpetuate the situation by "enabling" the children too long IMHO. Maybe they want to control the children's lives/outcomes instead of taking actions that encourage them to be more independent. (Some parents do want to keep their children with them as long as their children would let them.) Maybe it's been this way for many families even in the past (Mine wasn't.)

 

[Calico]

The 50's are calling you

Too true!

 

[P.S.]

Maybe these type of discussions shouldn't occur at the dinner table..
OP what do you want to happen here? Do you want your DD to go nowhere but school and home? Do you want her to move out? If she moves out, lives with roomies and socializes, do you plan to never see her until this is over? Maybe your DD will move out, her roomie will give her CV and she'll be one of the unlucky young people that doesn't make it. Maybe your DW with bring CV home from school and give it to your DD. The possibilities of bad outcomes here is endless. So so many posters here have piled on the DD.

Everyone here who piles on the daughter as if she is a horrible person are sure quick to judge.

Just finished a rather unpleasant conversation with my 26 y/o daughter at the dinner table, she got up and tossed her food away and left the table crying...She says it's unfair and has to live her life ...

I doubt the daughter is horrible: she is a schoolteacher of young children, and is probably lovely. She is though very selfish and emotionally immature. At 26, she should be able to at least remain at the table and debate this out, and while continuing to eat is not too much.

Of sound mind, 7 months into a pandemic, she possesses a clear understanding of the SARS2/COVID (definitely... courtesy her school system, if not the media), has weighed the odds, and decided her 60-90 min of pleasure is more important than potentially infecting her parents, esp. her dad who is a cancer survivor. Yes, the possibilities are “endless,” but at this point in the game, the probabilities are clearer. This pandemic probably will drag on, it will probably be many months before non-medical, non-high risk groups are immunized, and your daughter will probably have many more social events (conversing, laughing, and eating so probably unmasked the whole time).

It is thus likely, and I would wager very likely given the numbers game, that she will be exposed to someone actively shedding the virus while socializing. Given that persons have contracted COVID despite minimal always-masked contact with the outside world, I think the more appropriate dilemma is not whether you could get the virus from her, but when she brings home the virus to you... how will that manifest in your body?

Sometimes it is difficult financial situations or an unwanted pregnancy that causes someone to grow up. Sometimes a war, or a pandemic. And sometimes... the loss of a parent.

 

[brett]

Implement the Golden Rule....he who has the gold makes the rule.

It is time for 'my way or highway baby'.

Just ask her to give you a forwarding address and be done with it.

Don't risk your health and your spouse's health and well being by being a wimp. Now is the time to get this sorted.

Forget all the kissy kissy, lovey dovey, touchy feely, what if she never speaks to us again nonsense. Now it not the time for bleeding hearts.

You are all adults and your daughter is playing you like a fiddle.

Do the right thing for you and your spouse. Get 'er done!

 

[timo2]

In the meantime, maybe the members of the OP household could wear masks and social distance, much like if it was a hotel. We were considering that in-laws might visit us, and that was going to be our plan with them visiting.

 

[nhcycling]

She’s 26 and feels like she needs to live her life, she’s an adult. It is time for her to move out. Yes it’s expensive in a HCOL area, find roommates. I can see her POV and yours. There’s no compromise living in the same household. Time to have that talk.

 

[iloveyoga]

I know it was a different time but I cannot imagine living with my parents at age 26. After college I got a job and an apartment. I could not afford a nice apartment so I got a cheap ugly one but it was OK. I saw my parents every month or so, they lived about an hour away, to be honest once a month was enough to see my parents even though I loved them. At age 22 I was ready to live on my own and I would have done most anything to avoid moving back in with my parents. I cannot understand a 26 year old still living with their parents but maybe that is just me.

I've thought about this and I agree times were very different. My folks were not involved at all with where I lived or the money and I was very young when I first moved out. I assume that is how their parents handled things too.

 

[pjigar]

OP,

You need to have even harder conversation with your daughter. I have had to to this to my dad and my bother both of whom lived in the same household. It is very normal in our culture to have a large multi-generational household. My brother who immigrated last year was desperate to find work few months back so we had a candid conversation. I told him that he has to form a different household if he wants to work outside. I found him a safe job in a different state and he has been doing fine but still little upset with me. My dad, on the other hand, was very reckless despite his age and socialize with every stranger on the street. I had to send him back to his home country until this is over. He was happy to be out of the restrictions of our household! To each his own.

It is tough and my brother may not have a same relationship with me in the future. Desperate times...

 

[Rushmore]

It is tough and my brother may not have a same relationship with me in the future. Desperate times...

That’s the sad part for many of us. Between Covid and politics I find myself withdrawing more and more.

I do remember my mom saying to me as a teen. “This day in my life is just as important to me as this day in your life is to you.”

 

[KrisQuit]

Difficult. With three adults living in the same household, regardless of relationship, there needs to be better communication and agreement to what behaviors in or out of the house impact others. Should one of you decide to take up smoking, for example, and chain smoke in the living area of the house, it would impact everyone — as everyone would then be “smoking” in some way, first-hand/second-hand. Should one of you decide to take bagpipe lessons and then practice each day in the house, loudly — everyone would be experiencing bagpipe lessons, whether they want to or not.

It appears that recognition of (or concern for) the impact her behavior has on others may not be fully understood. Yes, she should live her life and do what she wants, but she is in (at the very lease) a social contract with others in the household, and she is now violating that contract.

Talk it through. Let her make a decision of how to handle the dilemma with the expectations and concerns you have; this is HER issue, not yours. Good luck.

 

[Markola]

It is very normal in our culture to have a large multi-generational household.

It would be a positive development in this country if multi-generational households became common. I heard a podcast discussing the topic and I agree there would be many social, emotional, healthcare and economic benefits if more families could make it work. Unfortunately, the commentator also said that, for it to work out, American families would need to learn much better patience, flexibility, respect and interpersonal skills at getting along with each other than most have, such as honoring and respecting strict safety rules to protect each other during a pandemic. Honestly, I’m not sure how well my own family would fare in that scenario. Nice idea though.

 

[ratface]

Making progress

I have found many of the posts helpful. I have never lived thru a pandemic so there was a learning curve. With help from posters I was able to drill down to the most basic issues. In retrospect perhaps we should have set down some basic rules and expectations during this Pandemic but it did not occur to us. The pandemic changed home dynamics in very subtle ways until one evening it just all boiled over. I think assessing ones risk has to be a continual process because the virus is also continual and evolving. At times it was difficult to read some of the more poignant post and those sparked more introspection. I am grateful to everyone who supported my daughter's right to express her side of things as well. The pandemic hits every generation in different emotional targets or mindsets and it was important to get that perspective. In just a couple of days we have been able to talk it all out without hurting our family relationship and are making great progress. It is crucial to slow your roll in these situations as many here pointed out. DD may have already found a very nice apartment less than a mile from us at a price she can afford. She filled out the application last night and we are all actually very excited about her moving forward. Thank-You all!

 

[Badger]

I have found many of the posts helpful. I have never lived thru a pandemic so there was a learning curve. With help from posters I was able to drill down to the most basic issues. In retrospect perhaps we should have set down some basic rules and expectations during this Pandemic but it did not occur to us. The pandemic changed home dynamics in very subtle ways until one evening it just all boiled over. I think assessing ones risk has to be a continual process because the virus is also continual and evolving. At times it was difficult to read some of the more poignant post and those sparked more introspection. I am grateful to everyone who supported my daughter's right to express her side of things as well. The pandemic hits every generation in different emotional targets or mindsets and it was important to get that perspective. In just a couple of days we have been able to talk it all out without hurting our family relationship and are making great progress. It is crucial to slow your roll in these situations as many here pointed out. DD may have already found a very nice apartment less than a mile from us at a price she can afford. She filled out the application last night and we are all actually very excited about her moving forward. Thank-You all!

Good for all of the family. Best wishes for continuing health.

 

[gerntz]

The only way I could understand this ^^^ line of reasoning is: it is OP's daughter's house, and OP moves in with her

The greater the number of times I've read that, the more I think it's sarcasm.

 

[harllee]

rat face--so glad that things are working out. Going forward maybe you can still see your daughter frequently in a safe way--outdoor picnics at the park is something we are doing to see friends and family.