Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[brett]

I do not think that this is a very difficult issue.

This is about a 26 year old working adult. Not a dependent child.

I really like the straightforward and common sense approach. Let your daughter make the decision. She either follows your rules or moves out. What is so difficult with that? Just say those few words. Why on earth put your health and well being at risk for the sake of a fear of plain speaking?

At 26, she is probably due to move out on her own or in with a friend.

Don't place this on your shoulders. This is her problem. Don't let her make it your problem.

 

[brett]

dup

 

[Navigator]

I do not think that this is a very difficult issue.

This is about a 26 year old working adult. Not a dependent child.

I really like the straightforward and common sense approach. Let your daughter make the decision. She either follows your rules or moves out. What is so difficult with that? Just say those few words. Why on earth put your health and well being at risk for the sake of a fear of plain speaking?

At 26, she is probably due to move out on her own or in with a friend.

Don't place this on your shoulders. This is her problem. Don't let her make it your problem.

+1

 

[Walt34]

Another thought comes to mind as well to tell her:

"I am not willing to risk my and my wife's lives so that you can go out and party."

 

[Brat]

+1

I saw a great saying online somewhere near the start of the plague. Might have been ER.org. Something like:

"Your grandparents were called to war. You are being called to sit at home on the couch. You can do this and it isn't hard."

That was me responding to my high school freshman grandson's whine. It is tough for youth but so is donning a uniform and fighting in a war.

The OP and his wife need to agree on a tough-love ultimatum for this daughter.

 

[travelover]

Another thought comes to mind as well to tell her:

"I am not willing to risk my and my wife's lives so that you can go out and party."

Excellent summary. This 26 year old brat needs to do a little research on Covid's long term health effects on survivors.

 

[MuirWannabe]

That was me responding to my high school freshman grandson's whine. It is tough for youth but so is donning a uniform and fighting in a war.

The OP and his wife need to agree on a tough-love ultimatum for this daughter.

My dad used to tell me how he had to get up to go to work, a half hour before he went to bed..... luxury

 

[kaneohe]

just a friendly reminder of something my mother used to say.........admittedly easier to to say than do..................it's not only what you say but how you say it.......the latter part is the hard part. Good luck!

 

[Kroeran]

Money is for a rainy day, and it sure is raining.

I would prioritize funding a rapid accelerated exit. Everybody wins. Do it as a loan if you can’t afford to give up the funds.

The ego thing of competing with the brother has to be killed. It’s a friggin pandemic. Not her fault. She’s a good girl.

You need to be safe, she IS your main risk, but she is in a narrow time window of trying to find Mr. He’ll do

Nice guys are getting tied up every social event she misses.

Age 30 is coming at her like a wall.

She should move in a big house shared with strangers of college age, college background. A new gang will offer her a new network to mine for Mr OK

Changing house shares should be done often to build her network.

Wish her happy hunting for me.

 

[jollystomper]

I do not rank high on the "emotional tantrums of my kids impact me" scale, so I tend towards the "my house, my rules" point of view. If she wants to keep her activities, fine, as long as she moves out.

Perhaps she has not experienced anyone close getting COVID-19. Our youngest DS, who lived at home at the time of the initial lock down, has. That did make an impact.



In addition, he had an "essential" job where he had to have temperature checked every every day, so while he lived at home he limited his social life (it did not hurt that he could earned lots of money working overtime so spend a lot of time at work).

 

[MarieIG]

Hopefully, you can get your wife on board.

I would suggest a calm talk with your daughter.

We understand that you are feeling frustrated in having your activities limited. On the other hand, your mother and I are dealing with our own frustrations. We are frightened that our daughter is going to bring home a disease that could kill or permanently disable one of us; and we are sad and hurt that our health does not seem to be of concern to you. You were intending to move out in January, however, under the circumstances, we believe that you should start looking for your own place now. That way you will be able to enjoy your independence, without putting your parents at risk. We will miss you of course, but hope you will call often.

I would actually lower my voice and talk slowly, softly and gently. And - don't feed into a hysterical scene. Bottom line, you do love her, but are not willing to be subject to that type of behavior.

Then I would not sully her independence by offering her money.

Is this the way you wanted this to go down? No, but I had one or two rough launches, and things worked out in the end.

 

[brett]

Here would be my whatif bottom line consideration.....

How would you feel IF you failed to address this issue and your spouse ended up in the covid intensive care unit at your local hospital??

Make a choice, arrive at a decision one way or the other, and move forward.

 

[MarkiePippo]

We lost my father to Covid-19 and were not able to see him at all in the end. We had to social distance at his funeral. The guilt is overwhelming at times. We also lost a close family friend to the virus. My brother is in cancer treatment, two sisters are breast cancer survivors so we all wear the masks. It is a real thing. Thanksgiving might be a cookout in the back yard.

 

[Ready]

At 26 years old it’s time to move out. My parents let my sister live at home in her 20’s and she never left. They were stuck with her for the rest of their lives.

Everyone has their own comfort level with how much risk to take on with COVID. Where I live people regularly flaunt the mask rules and live like they did prior to the beginning of the pandemic. I don’t judge them. It’s their life to live and they have to decide what is right for them.

But if you and your spouse are not comfortable with the level of risk, your daughter has no right to challenge that while living under your roof. It’s immature and inappropriate. She needs to move out and live her life.

 

[badatmath]

No disrespect intended but still living at home at 26 is not "doing it on your own". She wants to "live her life" she should move out and pay for it. I have certainly had strangers as roommates, worked an extra job, etc. It did me no harm and I thought nothing much of it. And of course if you want to help, fine. But I would give her a move out date either way. I think knowing she has to live with your rules only until Jan 1 or whatever would make it easier to cope with for all of you.

I would say more important right now is to talk with DW before you talk to daughter again. Make sure you are on the same page and can deal with what is to come.

Asking an adult with a job to move out with advance notice is really not the same as throwing your helpless child on the street. . . but it may feel a bit like that.

There are consequences for having a choice. Sometimes they are not fun.

 

[Sunset]

The main way the virus is spread is 1. Droplet, 2. airborne, 3. contact. All that changing clothes outside, immediate showering, washing helps only with contact, the least likely of the three. Probably only necessary with health care workers in contact with Covid patients.

There is a pandemic going on. All of our lives are on hold. Deciding to behave badly because of some perceived unfairness is immature. No one is entitled to party at the expense of the lives of their parents, who are supporting them. Throwing food is drama that should stop by age 6, if not younger.

A lot of us have adult children living with us, who don't risk their parents' lives by going out drinking and partying on the weekends, during a pandemic. DS is working at home, does his socializing online. He helps with cooking, laundry, and yard work. He has a masters degree in Music Education and has not been able to find a job in the field. He's looking at taking courses in computer work, and he's teaching himself the coding languages.

She needs to consider your health or move out. You can help finance that move if you wish, with direct rent support, if needed. But being on her own is more than just financial. It means paying for and doing many things she takes for granted, making time to shop and cook, no help with laundry, budgeting. Financing being on your own is actually a small part of the responsibility equation. And when she moves out, she shouldn't come and visit inside until the pandemic is over/vaccination. including holidays.

Have a family meeting (not at mealtime). Go over options, and the pros and cons. Work with her, but she also needs to work with you. Don't accept toddler behavior from a 26-year old.

I could not have said it better...

 

[ut2sua]

I agree with your daughter, I think you are being unfair. I think it's a mistake for you to allow this issue to cause a problem with her living her life. At the end of the day it's your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think it would be a mistake that you will regret.

The only way I could understand this ^^^ line of reasoning is: it is OP's daughter's house, and OP moves in with her

 

[Scratchy]

I hope you draw the line and don't allow your daughter to endanger your life.

 

[donheff]

Originally Posted by JustCurious View Post
I agree with your daughter, I think you are being unfair. I think it's a mistake for you to allow this issue to cause a problem with her living her life. At the end of the day it's your house and you can make whatever rules you want, but I think it would be a mistake that you will regret.

The only way I could understand this ^^^ line of reasoning is: it is OP's daughter's house, and OP moves in with her

+1 You would have to revise the wording a bit but, yes.

 

[Dd852]

I think all of us in almost every home are on edge, more emotional, and more confused than we have been in quite a long time - if ever. Some of us fear for our health; some of us fear for our futures; some of us fear for our relationships. Some of us are simply afraid. Tough talk, no matter how sensible, probably accomplishes little. Someone has to act as referee and get all the issues out on the table. Of course to us on this board, having lived our youth and had our adventures, the parents’ fears and concerns make absolute sense. But that said, the daughter needs a chance to air fully and without judgment what’s going on in her head. In your 20’s even a mis-timed pimple can feel like the end of the world - you can’t yell that away, you can’t overrule the feelings that she has. Hear her out. Reassure her as best you can. Explain your health fears. Rather than saying my house my rules, say - if you feel you must go to the party, you need to sleep elsewhere for two weeks from the last gathering you go to. You’re welcome to come back after that, but not before. We can’t and won’t take that risk. But listen first. Try to get underneath the issue.

 

[ivinsfan]

I read every post and consider them relative to our circumstances. Many good thoughts and several I had not considered. I feel there are workable solutions. I had not considered depression and will be more alert for signs but this young woman is generally stable. Fear of coronavirus is also very real, not so much the death part of it but the debilitating lingering effects are real for a small percentage of folks and can have some serious consequences. Like almost everything else in life it's a risk/assessment dilemma but this one can be deadly.

I can afford to help her with expenses but she will be able to make it with her new job. She has always wanted to do this on her own and I don't want to take that away from her. Her brother has been quite successful and she strives to follow. We have discussed room mates often but it is not so easy, many of her college friends have moved out of state or married and only a small core remain. She has approached a couple of friends but they were not ready. Moving in with a complete stranger is questionable. She is on track to move out beginning next year and I would like to see that happen of her own accord.

It's tough to be a single 26 year old woman during a pandemic living with your parents. As you can imagine dating is not so easy anymore. She has a small core of friends who are learning how to socialize without public venues. I don't see it as a right and wrong issue as we have discussed here. It will be a stressful time until a vaccine is found.

You are a very compassionate guy and if you conveying this during your conversations things will work themselves out.

Your DD is going through a life passage, something that happens to everyone, during a pandemic which is a double whammy. The posters here calling her a brat and few other names are being unkind, but luckily for your DD they are not her parent. It's already the end of October so perhaps the best move is for her to start looking for her own place ASAP.


As far as her plans for the next few weekends she is putting forth the rebuttal that she is has a small group of core friends and they apparently don't go to places like bar and restaurants among other places. You and your spouse don't want even this exposure which is totally understandable.

 

[ivinsfan]

Money is for a rainy day, and it sure is raining.

I would prioritize funding a rapid accelerated exit. Everybody wins. Do it as a loan if you can’t afford to give up the funds.

The ego thing of competing with the brother has to be killed. It’s a friggin pandemic. Not her fault. She’s a good girl.

You need to be safe, she IS your main risk, but she is in a narrow time window of trying to find Mr. He’ll do

Nice guys are getting tied up every social event she misses.

Age 30 is coming at her like a wall.

She should move in a big house shared with strangers of college age, college background. A new gang will offer her a new network to mine for Mr OK

Changing house shares should be done often to build her network.

Wish her happy hunting for me.

The 50's are calling you

 

[Ncc1701]

Show her all of the responses to your post. Sometimes when advice comes from complete strangers it holds more weight than when it comes from you.

 

[fh2000]

I did not read all the responses but maybe you can quarantine your daughter after she is out socializing with her friends?

My son and his girl friend came back to visit us few months ago. We let them stay in the master bed room for 14 days. I opened up the window screen, so they could climb in and out of that room. We put food on the door step for them.

They stayed for 14 days then came out for another 2 months. Everyone was safe and no issues.

 

[Nemo2]

"Look out kid, don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes, don’t tie no bows
Better stay away from those that carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose, watch the plainclothes
You don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows"