Awkward situation with friends

[youbet]

You could order an extra entree to-go. Make sure it's about the same cost as the bar bill.

Or, you could pull up your big boy pants and mention to your friends (which you haven’t yet) that you no longer consume alcohol and would now like to modify the long ago established rules of the game from a split check to separate checks. It’s really up to OP to bring it up since their change is recent and they haven’t mentioned it to their friends yet. The friends are just continuing a long established format that no one has yet asked to change.

Wouldn’t ordering food to-go to “show them” be a childish way to communicate your desire for a change from a long established tradition between the couples to a new way which accommodates their recent health situation?

Or maybe you were just making a joke?

 

[JJpop]

#1….Tell the restaurant that if they want your business they need to do separate checks
#2……Anyone who would be upset with paying for their own drinks is not a friend worth having. Really.
I can’t even imagine myself being upset about that. Then again they should have addressed it themselves, which is what a considerate person would do.
They deserve to be embarrassed and I hope they are.

 

[youbet]

They deserve to be embarrassed and I hope they are.

Really? They’ve been dining together frequently for years using the split the check evenly format. Now OP and DH stop ordering alcohol cold turkey without saying anything for the last two dinners. And they’re upset their friends didn’t immediately notice and change the billing/paying format?

OP needs to speak up. The friends have no reason to be embarrassed at this stage.

 

[steveark]

Separate checks

I just don't believe you are correct about restaurants not providing separate checks for two couples. That's not a real thing any more. I suspect you have not verified that. Too many people are on expense accounts where that kind of documentation is necessary. I've never been told that and I have paid tabs up to over $2,000.

 

[Dtail]

OP has already decided on the action to be taken in post 121.

 

[CRLLS]

I just don't believe you are correct about restaurants not providing separate checks for two couples. That's not a real thing any more. I suspect you have not verified that. Too many people are on expense accounts where that kind of documentation is necessary. I've never been told that and I have paid tabs up to over $2,000.

I thought so too. Until today. We are going out this week with another couple. I was checking the online menu. Guess what I found.

 

[JJpop]

Really? They’ve been dining together frequently for years using the split the check evenly format. Now OP and DH stop ordering alcohol cold turkey without saying anything for the last two dinners. And they’re upset their friends didn’t immediately notice and change the billing/paying format?

OP needs to speak up. The friends have no reason to be embarrassed at this stage.

I would have noticed, especially after 2 dinners. Not ordering drinks if that is your usual thing, is VERY noticeable and I am certain their was a mention of it as well.

I guess it depends on what kind of person you are.

 

[rayvt]

Poppycock!

Agreed.

If they say they won't do separate checks, tell them that you are two separate couples and are just sitting at the same table.

 

[youbet]

Why are you certain since that’s not OP’s stance? And why did OP split that first check 50/50?

 

[maestro]

Let them order first, and then you and DH order the lobster with steaks, or the shrimp appetizer, to 'even' things out.

 

[JJpop]

Why are you certain since that’s not OP’s stance? And why did OP split that first check 50/50?

The same reason they split the second check. They were embarrassed to say anything.
Anyway, I am done here and stand by my thoughts about what a real, thoughtful friend would do.
There is simply no way the couple was not aware of the drinks and they did what they wanted. We are talking 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks, not one glass of ice tea. They knew. Maybe they were drunk…..there you go for an excuse.

 

[youbet]

Anyway, I am done here.

Excellent choice!

 

[JJpop]

Excellent choice!

It says a lot about someone who would go through 2 dinners with friends who all of a sudden quit drinking and not notice it as you seem to claim.

It also says something about a person who believes that is perfectly normal behavior to not even notice.

If you think about it it would be impossible not to be aware of it

What a person chooses to do after that says a lot about that person.

No excuses or rationalizations needed.

I guess we will agree to disagree on that.

Now I am done.

 

[Teacher Terry]

JJ pop, I agree that the friends are taking advantage because they certainly have noticed that the other couple is not drinking.

 

[Aerides]

Two things can be true:

The other couple noticed that Scuba and her DH were not drinking, it was discussed, as were their health concerns. The other couple enjoyed one or two drinks each over the course of a meal, as they had always done.

And

The other couple didn't connect the dots that there was an imbalance in their overall purchases. They simply did as they have always done when the check came, a couple of hours later.

Or, for all we know, perhaps the other couple is wondering if they should offer to have separate checks, but are just not comfortable bring up financial stuff, especially since it's tied to health in this case... and will be relieved when Scuba brings it up.

We don't have to demonize the other couple here...sheesh... "what I would do" does not mean anyone who does something different is a terrible person (and that goes for literally anything).

 

[rodi]

On the topic of restaurants not doing separate checks... My experience in SoCal is that 90% of restaurants have no problem with 2, maybe 3 checks per table. (2 or 3 couples for example).... but MANY draw the line on individual checks for groups larger than 6 people. I noticed this at restaurants we'd frequent at lunch from work - group lunches meant math.

On the topic of friends and inequitable ordering (drinks or appetizers + dessert)... I have a good friend that I *ALWAYS* do separate checks unless we've prearranged that one of us is treating the other (for a birthday, for example). He always orders drinks, he always orders appetizers - if it's flaming shrimp, all the better, and always orders dessert. It became a big enough deal that at group office lunches he was told to put in extra money... by our boss. But he orders what he wants and enjoys it. I'm still friends with him despite my retiring 8 years ago, and we go to lunch 2-3 times a year to catch up. And we still do separate checks.

 

[athena53]

We don't have to demonize the other couple here...sheesh... "what I would do" does not mean anyone who does something different is a terrible person (and that goes for literally anything).

If there's one thing I've learned in the process of adulting, it's that people do not have ESP and sometimes they need to be told what I like/don't like. Maybe the other couple thinks it doesn't bother the OP and her husband since they haven't said anything. For that amount of $$ on a regular basis, I would suggest separate checks or some other way to even things out. If the other couple objects, the OP and her DH can decide what to do next.

 

[CaliKid]

I'd say life is too short to worry about it. Enjoy their company! Hopefully eventually they'll realize their faux pas and do something to make up for it. If not, then not.

 

[Scuba]

Or, you could pull up your big boy pants and mention to your friends (which you haven’t yet) that you no longer consume alcohol and would now like to modify the long ago established rules of the game from a split check to separate checks. It’s really up to OP to bring it up since their change is recent and they haven’t mentioned it to their friends yet. The friends are just continuing a long established format that no one has yet asked to change.

Wouldn’t ordering food to-go to “show them” be a childish way to communicate your desire for a change from a long established tradition between the couples to a new way which accommodates their recent health situation?

Or maybe you were just making a joke?

Just to be clear, our friends definitely know we don’t drink any more. In addition to a couple of meals out, we’ve dined in each other’s homes a few times and we specifically mentioned that we’ve chosen to continue to abstain from alcohol for the foreseeable future. We have of course poured nice wines for them at our home and brought wine for them when we dined at their home.

You are correct that we didn’t bring the restaurant check issue up yet. I assumed they would realize that their drinks added a lot to our combined tab and would offer to cover them. We would certainly have done that if the tables were turned. But since they apparently either haven’t noticed the disparity in cost or don’t care, we will have to bring it up because I’m not willing to continue to absorb their alcohol costs. Sigh.

 

[Scuba]

You could order an extra entree to-go. Make sure it's about the same cost as the bar bill.

First of all, this feels like playing games vs addressing the real issue. Secondly, I am not a big fan of to go food so this isn’t a good option.

 

[Scuba]

If there's one thing I've learned in the process of adulting, it's that people do not have ESP and sometimes they need to be told what I like/don't like. Maybe the other couple thinks it doesn't bother the OP and her husband since they haven't said anything. For that amount of $$ on a regular basis, I would suggest separate checks or some other way to even things out. If the other couple objects, the OP and her DH can decide what to do next.

Agreed. We thought they would notice on their own since we’ve had discussions about our health issues and have clearly said we don’t drink anymore and it’s also IMO a noticeable behavior change even if we hadn’t because we almost always ordered cocktails and/or wine before. It’s obvious now that we either have to suggest separate checks or agree to subsidize their drinks and spend several hundred dollars extra per year to do it. We will be asking for separate checks going forward with all of our friends. Probably a better practice anyway, but definitely so now.

 

[Scuba]

Two things can be true:

The other couple noticed that Scuba and her DH were not drinking, it was discussed, as were their health concerns. The other couple enjoyed one or two drinks each over the course of a meal, as they had always done.

And

The other couple didn't connect the dots that there was an imbalance in their overall purchases. They simply did as they have always done when the check came, a couple of hours later.

Or, for all we know, perhaps the other couple is wondering if they should offer to have separate checks, but are just not comfortable bring up financial stuff, especially since it's tied to health in this case... and will be relieved when Scuba brings it up.

We don't have to demonize the other couple here...sheesh... "what I would do" does not mean anyone who does something different is a terrible person (and that goes for literally anything).

Yes, I’d like to believe they just haven’t “connected the dots” as you suggest. I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as we have always enjoyed their company. This was an awakening for us. They are the only friends we’ve been out with where it wasn’t a celebration for which one couple picked up the entire tab, so this is a conversation we will likely need to have with many friends.

 

[Ronstar]

This doesn't really address OP's 1 time situation, but works when a group has multiple purchases to split.

When we go on trips with other couples, we use splitwise https://www.splitwise.com to account for expenses. People in our group take turns picking up dinner checks, taxis, Ubers, groceries, rental cars, airbnb's and enter the purchases into the app. The app figures out who owes what to whom. At the end of the trip, we settle up with Zelle.

 

[phil1ben]

Perhaps simply suggest going to a bring your own restaurant. You might say let's "try X Restaurant because it is a bring your own since DH and I don't drink anymore". This may gently provide a hint and cause them to to pay for their own drinks.

 

[latexman]

When the server arrives to take the first order, whether drinks, appetizers, or whatever, simply tell the server, "separate checks, please". Then, you are done. No emotions. No shenanagins. It's what you want. It's that easy.