Need Help for a long time friend with spending issues.

[Amethyst]

Good luck with that. Hope she realizes what she's getting into. Spendy people always seem like the fun people, until they tap out.

Now he’s moving in with his new girlfriend, who’s a nice lady. I am worried for her finances, honestly, and hope she can lay down rules to contain his impulses.

.

 

[Amethyst]

Interesting that they don't have time or inclination to do necessary/useful stuff, yet are motivated to cheat and steal (No. 11)

I realize this list is compiled from several different people, so the thieves may be separate from the lazyboneses. In addition, most of these items (1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, and especially 8) sound a lot like marble loss.

Below are some signs of mental deficiencies that I've experienced with others around me--friends and relatives.
1. They subsist on ramen noodles and tuna fish.
2. Groceries at the rear of the car in the bag, and the plastic bags have turned to powder from age.
3. Found 2,000 lbs. of cloth that was going to be used to make pillows for the church bazaar.
4. Found a ball of rubber bands as big as a softball. Also collects used aluminum foil in mass.
5. 1,000 pounds of jelly jars under the steps that were going to be used in canning, but they don't have a garden or go to any farmer's markets. I'd hate to see how much bread went into toast to use up so much jelly.
6. They get a new car and it's banged up on all corners where they'd hit other cars and objects in parking lots--and they don't know they did it. No repairs are made.
7. We cannot get them on the telephone because they didn't pay the bill. We find out the electricity has been cut off by the power company for non-payment, and the house is in a very exclusive neighborhood.
8. Papers piled up on kitchen table a foot high, and at least $50,000 in various checks were in unopened envelopes. Many checks had to be reissued.
9. They only eat organic foods, and cases and cases of food that comes by FedEx is sitting all over the house uneaten.
10. Extremely high powered computers are purchased along with $10,000 programs that produce animated films. They don't have a job to use the computer program.
11. Found pirated satellite service, cable tv and internet programs without payment. "All I have is time in my retirement, and with enough time I can figure out how to do anything on a computer." Well, go after the Russian hackers if you're looking for something to do.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm soooo tired. Meetup got pushed to Saturday and Sunday.


My own personal version of groundhog day. Four of us discuss his net income after debt repayment is about 400 a month. Property taxes are 1K a month. Ok, friend agrees it's "probably" not going to work out.


Discuss how start a sale. Friend says he needs to do 30K in yard work first because his yard looks like a dump. Friend has no money.( remember his bank overdrafted and his CC cards were frozen. The other 3 of us just look at each other because no way in double hockey sticks is one of us paying for the landscaping.


Friend then says he will need to look for a Luxury home agent because a regular agent wont' understand how special his house is.( Trashed out yard and all)


Friend then say that he's stressed out by 3 years of unopened mail dumped on his desk. Ask me if I will help, I stupidly say yes.


Only the CC bills and the utility bills have been opened. The junk mail is still there too.


I pile dive and see an unopened letter from MN Revenue (remember friend hasn't filed taxes for at least 5 years.)


MN has put a lien on his home for unpaid taxes from 2017. Continue wading and find 4 uncashed checks 3 which are over 2 years old. I find a few 1099's which make friend a liar for saying he didn't have any income. (he had it just didn't want to pay bills or taxes with it.)



Friend leaves because he's "tired" I take all the junk mail, 3 years of unopened cell phone bills. There might be 50 demand letters from Comcast for unpaid cable bill.


I leave to go babysit my grandkids Thank goodness!










Sleep over at friends house at get up at 7 AM to continue desk clearing. Still going strong sorting mail 4 hours later with my DH. Friend is sleeping.


We wake him up at 11....his desk top is clear and important bills and such arranged in proper piles.


Well he gets madder then hell because the junk mail and other stuff is still in a box on of the floor, because I think it needs to shredded.



Friend says he has a system for mail and we should have followed his system. Sees a 3 year old unopened Verizon bill and says, I need that opened, put in a labeled folder for cell phone 2018. I tell him go ahead there it is sort how you want it. He says well its going to be way harder for me now. Yes cause it's a pile in a box instead of 2 feet high covering his desk.



He then explains he isn't happy. Well sorry friend but it took 10 hours total sorting to get this far and you were here for about 30 minutes of it.



Friend then says to me Ivinsfan you seem mad, no friend I am mad.



Forgot I also found a federal tax bill from 2015.


Friend spent his borrowed money to clear bounced checks and now has 500 dollars and a net 400 bucks month from SS. 5800 hundred dollar property due on Oct 15.


Friend got over being mad and when we left he said See you soon, No not if I see you first.


Never once said thank you for the PITA mail sorting. I'm going to let him crash and burn for awhile now.


I need a Gin and Tonic.

 

[Teacher Terry]

No good deed goes unpunished. Ugh! So ungrateful!!

 

[ivinsfan]

No good deed goes unpunished. Ugh! So ungrateful!!

The maddening thing is it could have been sorted exactly how he wanted it, but he told me prior just looking started to bring on a panic attack. So he just washed his hands of it.



He didn't want a thing to do with it until I did it "wrong"

 

[Amethyst]

I hate to bang on the obvious, but this guy has at least one screw loose, and is missing some connectors.

At this point I'd run the other way if I saw him coming, and wouldn't pick up the phone if his # showed on the screen.

 

[RetiredHappy]

The maddening thing is it could have been sorted exactly how he wanted it, but he told me prior just looking started to bring on a panic attack. So he just washed his hands of it.



He didn't want a thing to do with it until I did it "wrong"

Yeah, now that he is faced with a bunch of lien, bills and expired checks, it is all your fault because you opened the mail. If you didn't open his mail then he wouldn't know about them. He is such a piece of ....

You are a very good person. I hope he acknowlege and thank you the next time he sees you after getting over his being "tired".

 

[ivinsfan]

I hate to bang on the obvious, but this guy has at least one screw loose, and is missing some connectors.

At this point I'd run the other way if I saw him coming, and wouldn't pick up the phone if his # showed on the screen.

Hubby and I agree he won't be getting any of our money...
He's definitely had a big personality change in the last few years. I expect it to get worse as he faces selling and moving.



But don't worry I let him know he was being a first class asshat.

 

[beernutzbob]

You have infinitely more patience than I. I would cut this toxic person out of my life so fast his head would Linda Blair.

Did this friend save DH's life in the war?

 

[ivinsfan]

You have infinitely more patience than I. I would cut this toxic person out of my life so fast his head would Linda Blair.

Did this friend save DH's life in the war?

No he moved to the cities around 10 years ago we have known him for over 30. Our daughters are in the cities and he threw open his home to hubby and I, We would have the entire downstairs, mini kitchen, tv room and such when we stayed. He bought us our own bedding so none of his other guests would use it.


Sometimes we stayed there for a week going to ball games or to lunch by the lake. Our daughters have wonderful memories of him from when they were younger. He lights up when he sees our grandkids. He's shared holidays with us so he wasn't alone.



His Dad died and his sisters aren't very nice ( this is true I know them). His health started failing , he started spending too much money. He's depressed no doubt about it.


Having said that I'm not his whipping girl, he's scared and broke and I know it's his own fault, but our ties go way back.



This was pretty rough weekend but I'm hoping it's a one off.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

At this point I think I would just give him a list of names and numbers for help, like your city or county senior services department and an accountant, if you have one to recommend. You tried your best, your help wasn't appreciated, and now you don't have to feel guilty if things don't end well for your friend.

You might also call adult protective services. Not opening mail for years can't be considered to be a functioning adult can it? I mean the worst thing that will happen is they do nothing. And maybe keep dropping off or having some healthy groceries delivered to his house.

 

[Aramis]

About all I have to say after reading all this is that you, your spouse, and the friend, are grade A friends. Were I ever to find myself in trouble, whether it was of my own doing, or the consequence of fate, I could only wish for friends as caring.

When I was in a very poor emotional state after my ex had an affair and left(it was a long time ago and the wounds are long healed), I leaned so heavily on two particular friends that one had to let me go. I bear her no ill will, whatsoever. I understand, and I am more surprised that the other friend managed to stay connected, although our relationship is not a strong as it. My appreciation for both of them for giving me all that they could is equal. This thread has made me realize that it is time for me to reach out to thelat first friend and say the thank you that I could not at the time.

I believe.you have the respect of everyone in this thread, and your other friends and family who know of your efforts. May you find the peace and comfort you deserve when, and however, this all plays out.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I read today's thread update with a lot of mixed emotions. Aramis said it best, that you have the respect of everyone in this thread. I can imagine what it was like going through that mail. I went through several months of my aunt's mail and completed her final tax return months after she passed away. My cousin just could not bear to deal with her mail or settle her estate.

One simple thing that can be done is to set up your friend with Meals-On-Wheels. They operate almost everywhere. Then your friend will a hot meal and a friendly interaction with someone five days per week.

 

[aja8888]

Yikes! I am pretty sure your friend needs medical help. This is too overwhelming for him.

My advice is to stay "hands off" any bills, paperwork, etc and just refer him to County mental help organizations. I think you have done all you can outside of giving him money. Apparently he has not been honest with you about income and heaven knows what else.

Good luck!

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

I can't believe the nerve of this guy to chide you when you're trying to help.
Obviously he has no intention of taking responsibility for his actions and when he gets a lot less than expected for his house due to his own lack of maintenance, guess who's fault that will be? It certainly won't be his, it will be the so called friends that could not float him a trifling 30K to get his landscaping in order. That's trifling to him, not to you or me.
I also think your other friend should not let this guy move in with him until he's off the Ambien, people do scary things when they take that drug and you mentioned he doctor shops to get more. That could be a big part of his mental issues.

 

[RobbieB]

Make sure to hire a "luxury agent" as the house is "super fine"

 

[Golden sunsets]

It doesn't seem like the "intervention" was successful. All that ended up happening is you opened his mail and as a result, he transferred guilt from himself to you. No other "to do" lists were created? No "action plan"?

The idea of hiring a "luxury broker" sounds like another delaying tactic. This will be a "distressed sale", an "as is" sale picked up by some individual willing to take on a project because the cost to clean up the property will be more than recouped. There will be nothing normal about this sale.

It seems like you've gone the last mile with this guy. Your group should let him know that fact. You all tried. There is nothing more you can do. He needs to know that replacement troops are not on the way.

 

[RenoJay]

Reverse mortgage?

 

[ivinsfan]

Reverse mortgage?

That's not gonna happen, remember the not filed taxes and the lien on his house?

 

[ivinsfan]

GSunsets there are plenty of to do lists but they our lists not his..




You're right on the last mile...I know when something is hopeless..the dude is the king of denial. I showed him the letter on the tax lien and he didn't even look at it.

 

[ncbill]

"MN has put a lien on his home for unpaid taxes from 2017."

I'm surprised the state hasn't already sold the house from under him to collect.

 

[ivinsfan]

"MN has put a lien on his home for unpaid taxes from 2017."

I'm surprised the state hasn't already sold the house from under him to collect.

It's my understanding that they will do that only for property taxes, this is an income tax lien.

 

[pacergal]

OP--
You and your friends have done all you can for him. Time for him to face consequences for his inactions. He truly has severe mental health problems (bordering hoarder) along with potential addiction/dr shopping.
Many options here, from contacting APS to setting up Meals on Wheels (although he may turn them away).
It is hard to let go, however, try to keep the happier memories and move on from this, if you can.
Bless you for trying. I don't believe you can fix this.

 

[Sunnymar]

I had a friend like this, constantly complaining, asking for advise, but never taking it, always a victim, didn't have the opportunites that we with financial health had, and on and on.
I finally realized we had a sick friendship, her immaturity didn't allow a normal adult friendship. I ended the friendship and feel sad but comfortable as I cannot help her, nor cope with her abusive attitude toward mature, responsible adults.

 

[ivinsfan]

Sunnymar, most definitely it's never their fault. When you say let's not talk about fault, let's talk about fixing the wheels come off.