Is this the Norm These Days?

[Gumby]

This makes so much sense. I got some useless stuff for gifts and could have used the money so much better.

When the young wife and I got married (at 23 and 25, respectively), we had virtually nothing. She was living at home with her parents after recently graduating from college and I was living aboard my submarine. I really appreciated the people who gave us money for our wedding present, so that we could do things like move into an apartment together and buy a bed.

 

[timbervest]

re: money for weddings my wife comes from Eastern European heritage and when we were married (many years ago and on the East Coast) during dinner at the reception, the bride and groom would circulate through the tables greeting and conversing with family and guests. My wife had a "money purse" and it was common that some (usually the older folk) would "discretely" put an envelope with a money gift in the purse during the conversation "when no one was looking" for the young couple. Was all very traditional and not at all tacky.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Interestingly all the Polish weddings in Kenosha-Chicago area where I grew up you paid the bride a dollar to dance with her. My son married a woman from Poland and the wedding was there. They had a 2 day reception but no dances for money. I will have to ask my DIL about it. When my MIL died we all lived on the west coast and anyone that didn’t send flowers sent a check in a card. That’s what’s also done in the Midwest. If the family doesn’t need it for expenses it’s usually donated in the deceased person’s name. My mom’s obituary asked for donations to the cancer foundation as that’s what she died from. She wrote her own obituary.

 

[brett]

When the young wife and I got married (at 23 and 25, respectively), we had virtually nothing. She was living at home with her parents after recently graduating from college and I was living aboard my submarine. I really appreciated the people who gave us money for our wedding present, so that we could do things like move into an apartment together and buy a bed.

Cash is King. This is exactly why we give cash for wedding gifts. The happy couple gets exactly what they want. We do not have to shop. The cheque fits into the card (we never buy gift cards). And we are generous because we know what it is like to be newlyweds with very little money. We have been there.

But...we resent the solicitation of funds via some kind of hoaky lottery. It engenders the exact opposite response from us.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

Have friends in California who had the "money dance" thing at both their girls weddings, and a friend of DH did that at their wedding 40 some years ago.

The money dance was very common when I grew up. Happened at last five weddings in my immediate family that I recall. I was young and remember my dad tossing a few bucks in the pot so I could dance with the bride too.

In retrospect, it seems a bit odd, but we didn't have a lot of money as family. These things weren't paying for European vacations -- they were paying for household necessities of a new couple. And it was a charming/fun in its own way. I always thought it was maybe a thing less fortunate Irish Catholic families (like previous generations of our family) did.

Certainly a lot better than a whiny note with an email link!

 

[Music Lover]

Yes, exactly. You don't use those terms in the US ?

Must be another UK derived thing we have in Canada, I guess.

In Manitoba they have "socials". Tickets are sold for a dance to family and friends. A DJ plays music and there is a silent auction. If well attended the couple can raise $10k or more. Sports teams and charitable groups also have them as fundraisers. They're very popular (before Covid anyway) and it was common to attend 10 or 20 a year in my younger years. Instead of going to the bar for an evening we'd all buy tickets to a social.

 

[MultiEventer]

Different cultural traditions are what is normal and refreshing. It is normal to help out a new couple, especially if they are young and starting out. You can do it by a gift (blender, couch, cookware etc..) or with cash. That is the custom in our family for generations. And that is what me and my wife do.... generously. But it's for something they need, not want or desire. But to ask friends, co-workers, family and even strangers to fund your bridal or groom weekend getaway, honeymoon or even for the wedding expenses is a new low if you ask me. A sign of the entitlement culture. It cuts me as a bit raw to be honest when people ask me for money for the own extravigences. After all, I worked my way through college with no help from parents, government, scholarships or grants. 100% me except for the free room my mom and dad let me live in as long as I did my chores and was in bed after my shift at work. Same with our wedding. My wife's family hated me so we just did a low budget, small church wedding with a potluck at my parents house after the ceremony. Except for the $100 bill my mom gave me for honeymoon expenses, my wife and I paid for all the wedding costs. Knowing I would barely have enough money to pay the photographer when that bill came due, my new wife and I spent our honeymoon at the lake, using the $100 from mom for one night at a motel and some picnic supplies. As we returned from our 1 night and 2 day honeymoon, I was sweating bullets not knowing if I had enough money to pay the photographer on Monday. Luckily I just had enough, leaving us with $20 in my checking account for food and gas until I got paid on Friday. So when I see millennials bitch about how tough they have it and expect us older people to pay for their 'dream' vacations, weddings or whatever... I just roll my eyes. Sometimes I think we deserve to be taken over by aliens [MOD EDIT]!

 

[LRDave]

Lol, a lot of lawns to stay off of in this thread......

 

[athena53]

Different cultural traditions are what is normal and refreshing. It is normal to help out a new couple, especially if they are young and starting out. You can do it by a gift (blender, couch, cookware etc..) or with cash. That is the custom in our family for generations. And that is what me and my wife do.... generously. !

Things have changed, though. The newlyweds who just moved out of their respective parents' houses and are starting with nothing, as you did, aren't the majority of couples getting married these days. When DS married he and DIL had good jobs and DS had already bought a house. Nieces and nephews getting married have almost all been two-career couples and some already owned a house or condo. Sone of their gift registry items were a little silly (I remember one included special scissors for snipping off herbs from your plants) but I was happy to spring for "wants".

 

[jollystomper]

This makes so much sense. I got some useless stuff for gifts and could have used the money so much better.

We received so many wine/drink glasses sets at our wedding 38+ years ago - that seemed to be the "quick and easy gift to give then" - that we still have about 4-5 sets that we have never opened. We never "regifted" them because I knew we would be creating the same problem for whomever we gave them to. I would donate/throw them out in an instant, but DW still wants to hang onto them for "nostalgic" reasons.

 

[CoolRich59]

Perhaps I am behind the times. ...

Are these types of funding schemes becoming common for funerals and weddings

I cannot imagine doing something like this.

I agree.

We had a somewhat similar experience. A year or so ago my nephew was getting married. Neither my DW nor I had ever met his fiancee, but a couple of months before the wedding, the DW gets what I thought was an invite to the wedding shower. But, it turned out that it was not an invitation, it was a request to send a gift to the shower.

I thought it was pretty tacky.

 

[athena53]

We received so many wine/drink glasses sets at our wedding 38+ years ago - that seemed to be the "quick and easy gift to give then" - that we still have about 4-5 sets that we have never opened. We never "regifted" them because I knew we would be creating the same problem for whomever we gave them to. I would donate/throw them out in an instant, but DW still wants to hang onto them for "nostalgic" reasons.

DH and I requested no gifts but one couple gave us a pair of martini glasses. I don't drink martinis. DH did but preferred them in a plain old 8-oz. glass. That was in 3002. They still have the Crate and Barrel labels on the bottom and I can't even get rid of them as Free Stuff on Craigslist.

 

[Shardo]

Perhaps I am behind the times.

Had a niece die last year. Could not attend but looked up the details on the funeral home web site. Much to our surprise there was a request for cash donations to help pay for the funeral expenses. It was the full meal deal....coffin, service, meal/bar. Found out there was lots of insurance. Is this normal for funerals these days. We passed on the donation. Could not attend the event.

Just got a wedding invite for a nephew. Some stag and doe event, plus the wedding. The BIG surprise to me is that the they are having a raffle at both events. Three prizes 65" TV, cooler/liquer, and ipods. Tickets $25. We be passing on the raffle, passing on the stag and doe, and probably will not fly in for the wedding.

Are these types of funding schemes becoming common for funerals and weddings

I cannot imagine doing something like this.

Were this niece and nephew related?

 

[brett]

Were this niece and nephew related?

first cousins

 

[Amethyst]

"I so, so want you to come to my party. And while you're at it, please help me pay for it!"

IMHO, this is only OK with potlucks. And that's all I'll say about that.

 

[badatmath]

I see a lot of people having car washes to raise funds for funerals. I don't understand why people do not have a minimal amount of life insurance unless they are truly poor. I am confident many of the people who need donations have nicer houses/cars/etc than I do.