Coming To Grips With Your Own Mortality

[Koolau]

I had a routine colonoscopy several years ago. While under I aspirated some stomach juice into my lungs. A couple hours later I'm in an ambulance going to the ER. Doc comes in & asks about final wishes....surprised the heck outa me. I said flippantly DNR. I then thought about it & said maybe hit me with the paddles 2x's.

This is why an advocate with authority is so important. Not all of us have such a person, but it is worth the effort to find such a person. YMMV

 

[meleana]

Other than remaining healthy and active, there’s nothing I can do so I don’t worry about it. I learned not to worry about things I can’t change many years ago - may seem easier said than done but I read several (spiritual and other) books that hammered home the point. That’s the best answer IME.

But if not, DW and I always remind ourselves that one day we won’t be physically and/or mentally able to do/enjoy some activities - so better to enjoy those things sooner rather than later. For example:

• We’re not putting off travel.
• We both participate in sport/activities as much as possible (e.g. not fretting about cost within reason), for me that’s lots of golf, sailing, biking, for DW that’s paddleboard yoga, tai chi, personal trainer once a week and lots of pickleball.
• We’re live theater season ticket holders, we never allowed ourselves that luxury during our working years (…stupid in retrospect)
• When we think of something new to try, we just do it, whereas we often didn’t when we were younger.
• We both have daily activities to exercise our minds as well, crucial IMO.

I could give more examples, but you get the idea.

I exercised and ate healthy for 30+ years and at 66 discovered that you’re healthy until your not. A simple medical test lead to aggravation of a condition no one knew I had- severe degenerative lumbar spinal stenosis and major pain that pretty much has me losing at least a half day every day until I can move without major pain.

I want to do things but my mojo has declined. I feel like I’m 90 sometimes. I’m disgusted.

My husband who never exercised and eats what he wants and is overweight feels fine. My 87 year old friend who never exercised still walks fine without a cane.

Go figure.

 

[aja8888]

I exercised and ate healthy for 30+ years and at 66 discovered that you’re healthy until your not. A simple medical test lead to aggravation of a condition no one knew I had- severe degenerative lumbar spinal stenosis and major pain that pretty much has me losing at least a half day every day until I can move without major pain.

I want to do things but my mojo has declined. I feel like I’m 90 sometimes. I’m disgusted.

My husband who never exercised and eats what he wants and is overweight feels fine. My 87 year old friend who never exercised still walks fine without a cane.

Go figure.

Yeah, Meleana, life is not fair, and I mean that. Sorry to hear about your back issues.

Heck, I'll be 79 soon and only visit the Doc once per year and only on one med for reduced urine flow, which could be fixed with a small procedure. I just finished playing 18 holes of golf with friends in 95 F + heat. Physically, i'm like most 60 year olds and my golf game is still very competitive.

My DW, on the other hand, has COPD, is on oxygen 24/7/365, has severe osteoporosis and a few other things not right. And she is pushing a walker all day too. 10 years ago, she had none of this, but now in her mid 70's, I'm her caretaker.

 

[Mansderm]

My thoughts on my own mortality have evolved over the years. When I was 17, I was involved in a major car accident, people died, I was life flighted, then in and out of the hospital 4 years. At one point, could possibly lose a leg, considered suicide...definitely a low point. But I recovered and looking back over everything in my life, I have concluded that for whatever reason, there has been some type of Devine intervention guiding my life forward. I realized early on that life can be gone in an instant, or worse, you could lose everything and still exist. My philosophy became Life is too Short to put up with ****!

So, for a while, I was quite the bitch, calling people out on "their ****" before I finally calmed down. Laying in the hospital, I knew I wanted to work in medicine, so I pursued that. There were so many "forks in the road" but I ended up having all my hopes and prayers answered...not always right away, but answered. A non believer can easily say it was just your drive and hard work and it was....but I certainly didn't take the easiest most direct path. That Devine intervention always picked me up and put me back on the path every single time I deviated.

So, right or wrong, I raised my sons with the constant reminder: don't ever take your life, your talents, your body for granted, because it can be gone in an instant. It drove them crazy. I heard over and over, "Mom, that car accident ruined you!" But that is how I live my life, thankful for each healthy day.

The biggest fear is a prolonged agonizing death. In my work, I saw so many close to death with such fear in their eyes. I even saw it in my own Father. That fear still haunts me, but when you see death, you do see that final calm come over them. So I hope there is a calm, although in my brain, I know that's just the muscles relaxing.

Now my biggest pet peeve and concern before I do pass on is the funeral industry. I don't want to be put in the ground in a piece of furniture. I don't think my body has to be preserved for what comes next, I don't want to be incinerated in a fire pit. I loved SCUBA diving and the underwater beauty, so I thought, aha, I'd like to be buried at sea. Just throw me out there and let the fishes have at me. Well, that's a big ordeal too and even more expensive than a funeral since I'm not military. So I've just told my sons, you can do whatever you want with my body, just don't spend a ton of money...so that might get me in the fire pit and I don't want to dwell on that thought.

 

[Member]

I was raised religious but no longer believe. I think when we die we cease to exist and won’t know it.

I believe in the law of the Conservation of Mass which, to me, means that the matter that makes up you is still here after you die, it's just not arranged as a human anymore. This satisfies the everlasting part of an afterlife.

Next time, some of the parts that make up you might be dirt or part of a tree or a bug. When I die I'd like to accelerate that with a "green burial". Stick me in the ground naked and un-enbalmed with a few seeds at the appropriate depth over my body. Maybe being a tree is really cool. I hope I get to find out.

I saw recently that scientists say the odds of you being born are at least 1 in 400 trillion. This is it. Knowing and believing that, I wish I acted accordingly but I don't.

 

[JohnRM]

Just do the best you can

I was recently told I have Cirhossis of the Liver, probably because of my autoimmume problems as I don't drink. It was sprung on me while I was in the hospital from an accident. When I went to the GI Dr. I thought he was going to tell me to get my affairs in order, but he just told me to lay off the salt. He is more concerned with treating some internal bleeding issues due to my low platelets (The autoimmune stuff again)

But I am about done walking with a cane and feel fine here lately.

It is kind of jarring when your train comes around that one curve and you can almost make out that final stop down the track. I go to a dark place sometimes because of it.

Sorry I have no good advice to deal with that.

Swear there ain't no heaven
But I pray there ain't no hell
But I'll never know by living
Only my dying will tell

 

[mijoy]

I quickly read through this entire thread. I was surprised to see that in 6 pages I saw 1 maybe 2 mentions of Christianity.

Many,I find believe there will be a heaven as an almost sure thing.

Someone mentioned Blaise Pascal. I learned a great deal from Pascal’s writings. Pascal’s wager is much more than meets the eye. It’s not what it seems.

Personally I think longevity is hugely overrated. I’d recommend reading Pascal. He has much to say.

 

[Rianne]

I have watched a documentary about that. They followed a boy who had recollections of flying a fighter jet and many other things. The show somehow found the person he used to be and verified with the relatives what the boy remembered.

I saw that documentary. There were several stories about children remembering their past life. One child was a movie star in the 1940s and remembered so many details the family asked to meet him. It was astonishing. Then as the children got older they forget and move on.

 

[Music Lover]

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

That's true. I can't control when I'll die but I can control my fitness and diet. It may not help me live longer but it will add quality of life to my day to day living.

I truly believe that it's harder to live out of shape all day every day than it is to exercise and eat right.

 

[skyking1]

no question. I have been in both places, twice now. My back, knees, hips are happier not packing the weight.
It does not fix my arthritis or spondylosis, but it helps.

 

[coveredbridge]

This is something that fills me with dread. I have placed my hope in the "singularity", which basically is a concept that one day computers will advance to the point where we can transfer our consciousness to a computer. Last time I checked the estimate for this is 2045, so I've got to make it to 84. I can accept leaving my mortal body behind if I can retain my consciousness. There is actually a comedy series on Amazon Prime Video that kind of addresses the concept called "Upload".

 

[steady saver]

Interesting topic. I don't think I deal with it well but my main focus is to live my life knowing that tomorrow is not a given. Frankly, I'm dealing with a big dose of that right now.

A few weeks ago back in June, I would have told you I was pretty healthy. Going about my business and doing fine. Since then, due to an odd/rare autoimmune issue, I have lost all kidney function and am on dialysis the rest of my life unless I get a transplant. Further, the treatment for the autoimmune issue is not a lot of fun plus the way they treat it is to shut down the immune system. All to say, my outlook of living to 90 like my father has now changed. So dealing with mortality is in the front of my mind these days, but it still boils down to one day at a time. I guess that's how I deal with it. Some days are better than others.

I'm sorry Jerry. I hope you find sweet surprises every single day. Wishing the best for you.

 

[Scuba]

Time to write down your wishes now via a health care power of attorney (HCPOA) which appoints a health care agent to act on your behalf when you can't, at least for those of us in the USA...use your state's model HCPOA form.

Because if you don't the default assumption is that you want everything done to you to keep you alive another day.

Most residents of the many nursing homes I saw back when mom was sick didn't do the above.

You don't want what happened to them to happen to you...Hospice is a great thing that too few end up using.

My concern is that even when you have your wishes documented, many places refuse to act on them. I used to work in the senior care industry and DNR’s are often ignored.

Also, even if you document that you don’t wish to live if you get certain diagnoses (ALS, Alzheimer’s, cancer, etc.), even states with so-called “death with dignity” laws require that you are within 6 months of death, of sound mind, and that you can physically administer the lethal meds yourself. Unfortunately many people cannot meet these criteria when they’d like to go, so they just have to wait. Sometimes for years with lots of suffering.

 

[Koolau]

My concern is that even when you have your wishes documented, many places refuse to act on them. I used to work in the senior care industry and DNR’s are often ignored.

Also, even if you document that you don’t wish to live if you get certain diagnoses (ALS, Alzheimer’s, cancer, etc.), even states with so-called “death with dignity” laws require that you are within 6 months of death, of sound mind, and that you can physically administer the lethal meds yourself. Unfortunately many people cannot meet these criteria when they’d like to go, so they just have to wait. Sometimes for years with lots of suffering.

Once again, it is so important to have an advocate. YMMV

 

[Scuba]

Good advice that I agree with. However, be careful. I was just in the hospital and unfortunately, there was a chance I would stop breathing. I’m 61 and this didn’t seem like a situation where I was going to check out. However, they did ask me about my wishes and, consistent with my documents, I told them I didn’t want extra ordinary means to be taken.

Then they left the room and I had a dose of second thoughts. “Is this how I want it to end?” “This illness doesn’t seem that bad. Maybe I would like them to do whatever they can ‘this time’.” Point is, it doesn’t always play out that you’re in your last years suffering, where most would agree on letting go.

I’m also 61 and just had shoulder surgery. The surgical center would not do the surgery unless I signed off that they would try to revive me if something went horribly wrong, despite my healthcare POA saying otherwise. I had no problem signing off at this stage of my life, although if I had been brain dead after the surgery but alive, that’s exactly the situation most including me don’t ever want to be in.

 

[Scuba]

I've never heard of a doc/medical center being "charged" with failing to follow a patient's stated (documented) wishes. I had a friend who left explicit instructions and they still tried to talk her husband into allowing extraordinary means to keep her alive - even though the doc admitted she would never regain consciousness. The pressure was intense, but the husband told them "no!" YMMV

Yep. Happens all the time.

 

[Scuba]

Once again, it is so important to have an advocate. YMMV

I agree 100% that an advocate is very important. The difficulty comes when a person is diagnosed with a terminal disease that may take years to kill them, but will involve massive suffering and loss of quality of life in the interim. The medical profession cannot legally end such a person’s life in most circumstances. If that person’s advocate assists in their suicide, even with wishes legally documented, the advocate could be prosecuted for murder.

I think Switzerland’s approach is much more humane. There, it is perfectly legal for anyone to decide to end his or her life for any reason. So, if someone is suffering from chronic excruciating pain for example, but doesn’t have a terminal diagnosis, they can get assistance to take their own life.. Or if someone is suffering from a terminal disease but may still have years to live with declining quality of life, they’re allowed assisted suicide when they see fit. My hope is that the US will see the light and pass similar laws, sooner vs later. Our current “death with dignity” laws don’t allow enough flexibility in my opinion.

 

[Souschef]

After my wife died, she was cremated. She loved our rosebushes, so I put a little of her ashes under each bush. My feeling was that each rose that bloomed would be a part of her.
[FONT=&quot]I drove out to Oxnard, where we went for most of the 29 anniversaries we celebrated, and rented a kayak. The people there were very helpful getting the two of us launched, and I paddled out to the marina entrance. It took about a half hour of paddling until I could get clear of the breakwater and out into the open sea. The conditions were not too bad, only a one to two foot swell, which made things easier for me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I opened the bag with her ashes, and slowly poured them into the sea. I said a few prayers for her, and watched as the ashes dispersed into the water. I sat there for a while, reminiscing over the 30 years we spent together, and slowly paddled back to the landing.[/FONT]

 

[Teacher Terry]

Jerry 1, 11 years ago a friend of mine needed a liver transplant and the wait was 7 years on the West coast. She was advised to move to Indianapolis and get on the waitlist because it was only a month or two. I don’t know what part of the country you live in but just wanted to share the information. Wishing you all the best.

 

[FlaGator]

After watching my previously healthy 54 y.o. late wife suffer through cancer treatment, I've accepted that the date and nature of my outcome is unknowable and random. My mother will almost certainly live to her 85th birthday in late September, and she smoked for essentially her entire adult life. Another data point for the randomness of longevity and life decisions.

I need to hang on for another 12 months to get the last kid off to college. The oldest will have her degree next May. Barring a cancer diagnosis like their mother's, I'll make it, and probably live long enough to get the youngest out of college. Hopefully well beyond that.

If I can get to next summer, I will have succeeded with my goal as single parent. If I don't, I'll die satisfied with what I have been able to teach both of them. Anything after that is a bonus. I'm planning to make the best of whatever time remains.

 

[SecondAttempt]

I'm 57. My mom died at 69. I have no other full genetic relatives. I'm in fairly good health although covid made me lazy and that had its impacts. My goal is to enjoy the next several years being active while I can, traveling, and so forth. Retire in less than 2 years and keep going. Financially I am prepared for 80s or 90s. But I'm not sure I want that. I'm inspire by the saying, live like Raphael not Micheangelo. Michaengelo was a loner who died with lots of money under his bed. Rapheal died of excessive sex with his mistress.

 

[old medic]

That's true. I can't control when I'll die but I can control my fitness and diet. It may not help me live longer but it will add quality of life to my day to day living.

As I said....
So if I worry about anything, its going to be about something I can change.
But to be honest... Running to the fridge for a beer doesn't count. I need to drink less and exercise more...

 

[raypep]

There's great lines in a song by Jackson Browne's song "For a Dancer" which goes "I don't know what happens when people die /Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try".

My last birthday, I reached a milestone decade. During my last physical I half jokingly said told my doctor that this decade is going to be brutal (as for my health decline). He just ignored me .

I find myself thinking more lately, my days are numbered. I'd be shocked if 20 years from now I'd still be around. 20 years can fly by quickly.

Which leads to topic of the thread. How do you come to grips to with your own mortality. My approach is to try not to dwell and cherish every day. Yet at the same time I have that sinking feeling of like the song can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try.

A dear friend, three years younger than me, died unexpectedly a few months ago. I was shocked . I still find myself frequently thinking of him and with that my own mortality.

I appreciate the time I have left. Every day when I awake and start the day I am thankful I have been given one more day to enjoy life.

I adore my wife and start each day with a kiss and end it with one. How much time we have left together is unknown so I want to savor it.

I love my two daughters and look for ways to help them, love them and show I care.

In a nutshell, I can say I focus on the present and appreciate the moment.

 

[Car-Guy]

even states with so-called “death with dignity” laws require that you are within 6 months of death, of sound mind, and that you can physically administer the lethal meds yourself. Unfortunately many people cannot meet these criteria when they’d like to go, so they just have to wait. Sometimes for years with lots of suffering.

My hope is that the US will see the light and pass similar laws, sooner vs later. Our current “death with dignity” laws don’t allow enough flexibility in my opinion.

Something I've never understood when this topic comes up. Who is going to stop someone (the majority anyway) who really want's to go?

There were almost 46,000 suicides in the US in 2020 according to the CDC. BTW, over 50% of those were by firearms. And surprisingly (to me anyway) that the next leading cause was suffocation with ~27%.


https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Something I've never understood when this topic comes up. Who is going to stop someone (the majority anyway) who really want's to go?

There were almost 46,000 suicides in the US in 2020 according to the CDC. BTW, over 50% of those were by firearms. And surprisingly (to me anyway) that the next leading cause was suffocation with ~27%.


https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html

Not to derail the thread too much, but I think sometimes, suicide *is* the right answer, but the government has made it much too difficult for those that might very well have a good reason. The 50% rate w/ firearms is sad to me. It's bad enough that folks have to deal with the decision to end their lives, but I can't imagine the angst some must feel about the success/failure of an attempt with a firearm and what effect that might have on someone who finds them after the fact.

As to the original subject, I do often think about it...but not too much since I know I can't control when it happens. I just hope that when it *does* happen, the road getting there won't be too bad.