My thoughts on my own mortality have evolved over the years. When I was 17, I was involved in a major car accident, people died, I was life flighted, then in and out of the hospital 4 years. At one point, could possibly lose a leg, considered suicide...definitely a low point. But I recovered and looking back over everything in my life, I have concluded that for whatever reason, there has been some type of Devine intervention guiding my life forward. I realized early on that life can be gone in an instant, or worse, you could lose everything and still exist. My philosophy became Life is too Short to put up with ****!
So, for a while, I was quite the bitch, calling people out on "their ****" before I finally calmed down. Laying in the hospital, I knew I wanted to work in medicine, so I pursued that. There were so many "forks in the road" but I ended up having all my hopes and prayers answered...not always right away, but answered. A non believer can easily say it was just your drive and hard work and it was....but I certainly didn't take the easiest most direct path. That Devine intervention always picked me up and put me back on the path every single time I deviated.
So, right or wrong, I raised my sons with the constant reminder: don't ever take your life, your talents, your body for granted, because it can be gone in an instant. It drove them crazy. I heard over and over, "Mom, that car accident ruined you!" But that is how I live my life, thankful for each healthy day.
The biggest fear is a prolonged agonizing death. In my work, I saw so many close to death with such fear in their eyes. I even saw it in my own Father. That fear still haunts me, but when you see death, you do see that final calm come over them. So I hope there is a calm, although in my brain, I know that's just the muscles relaxing.
Now my biggest pet peeve and concern before I do pass on is the funeral industry. I don't want to be put in the ground in a piece of furniture. I don't think my body has to be preserved for what comes next, I don't want to be incinerated in a fire pit. I loved SCUBA diving and the underwater beauty, so I thought, aha, I'd like to be buried at sea. Just throw me out there and let the fishes have at me. Well, that's a big ordeal too and even more expensive than a funeral since I'm not military. So I've just told my sons, you can do whatever you want with my body, just don't spend a ton of money...so that might get me in the fire pit and I don't want to dwell on that thought.